TV host Jeff Brazier admits he has made too many mistakes bringing up sons Bobby and Freddy.
He became a single dad after his ex, Big Brother star Jade Goody, died from cervical cancer in 2009 aged just 27.
Jeff — who has since had years of therapy — believes that if model Bobby, 23, and Race Across The World star Freddy, 21, had been raised by the man he is today, they may have escaped some of the trauma, turmoil and family fallouts.
He told the Sun on Sunday: “You always look back with hindsight and feel like, ‘If only I was the version of myself I am today 20 years ago, how much of a better experience of me they would have had’.
“Maybe that might have eliminated some of the bumps in the road we’ve had . . . you look at the things you could have done better.”
Those “bumps” have at times proved particularly painful for Freddy, with much of the family tension centred around his close bond with his maternal grandmother Jackiey Budden, 69.
READ MORE ON JEFF BRAZIER
Jeff has always considered Jade’s mum to be a bad influence on the boys.
And Freddy, who has been to rehab, been sectioned and suffered manic episodes, has previously claimed Jackiey got him “hooked” on cannabis.
Things got so bad that last year, a concerned Jeff started legal proceedings in a bid to keep Jackiey away from his son.
Yet despite their clashes, Jeff and Freddy have always found their way back to each other — most recently in March following the arrival of Freddy’s daughter Isla with his on-off girlfriend Holly Swinburn.
Jeff, 47, says: “Thanks to all the mistakes and all the lessons and the learnings along the way, I get to love Isla with a sense of confidence.
“The strength of connection you can have with a grandchild is really special.
“With Isla, it just feels natural, effortless and easy, and there’s no complications around it.”
Jeff can often be seen on This Morning, has worked with The One Show and TNT Sports and now fronts the Let’s Save Water campaign, urging families to make small changes to help tackle Britain’s shortage after the hot summer.
But the TV star admits he has struggled since his sons moved out of the family home in Essex.
“When they left, I went through nine months of what felt like absolute grief,” he admits.
“It’s not just the absence of your children. It’s more the grieving of the role that you played, that you got really comfortable playing.
“It felt like a slow relinquishing of control and responsibility, to the point where you feel redundant.
“Life is a lot quieter right now — the peace can be deafening — but there’s also part of you that’s, like, ‘Shouldn’t I be doing something for someone somewhere?’ ”
Jeff’s home is also quieter following the end of his seven-year marriage to PR executive Kate Dwyer last year.
Yet Jeff, who first found fame on reality show Shipwrecked in 2001, is learning to embrace this new chapter and finally put himself first.
He is also discovering how to play again so that he can be the best grandfather possible.
It was Freddy, who suffers from ADHD, who first told him he needed to loosen up, while they filmed Celebrity Race Across The World in 2024.
Jeff, who spent much of his childhood in foster care, said: “He basically hit the nail on the head.
“As a child, I probably didn’t play that much, or feel safe to play. I’m trying to undo that.”
In a bid to become more playful, Jeff has even signed up to wrestle strangers after discovering the unusual kind of therapy at a spiritual festival.
“The more you do it, the more you free something up and heal something,” he says.
“Obviously, no one’s allowed to hurt anyone. But to go and enjoy retreats like that, you’re basically taking your inner child with you.
“That’s where I hope I will be in ten years — running a retreat on a renovated farm in the countryside.
“I would still be exercising and showing up for people, and I’d be looking after numerous grand- children and feel all the love.”
Could that future also include finding love again?
“I hope so,” he says. “Yeah, I believe that will happen to me.”