HUMOUR

AN outwardly normal couple have decided to have not one, not two, not three, but four children, it has emerged.

Anthony and Jess, not their real names, of Bush Hill have four offspring, but all appear to have been conceived, birthed and raised without their parents being visibly deranged or members of a cult.

Neighbour Martin, not his real name, said: “Initially we assumed they had some kind of contraceptive f**k-up at least twice, but apparently they really did choose to have this many children.

“They do normal things like going to work, taking the kids swimming, going on a family holiday every year. Frankly it’s creepy how they act like there’s nothing wrong.

“Sometimes they even seem happy about this waking nightmare they’ve created for themselves. Surely one day they’ll both snap and set fire to their seven-seater Citroën?”

Family friend Kah Heng, not his real name,  said: “It’s weird. They’re not religious and they know about contraception. I’d understand if they were parenting influencers getting lucrative washing powder deals, but it’s like they enjoy having kids or something.”

Youngest son Oliver said: “I’d like to have more brothers and sisters, but mummy said ‘No, there’s a limit to how many times I can watch Bluey, so f**k that’.”

ALLOWING another road-user to take precedence over you is an unforgivable sign of weakness and should incur points, motorists have agreed.

Giving way, whether to a car, a cyclist or a pedestrian is an act of submission which should, if repeated, lead to the loss of a driving licence and in extreme cases a full ban because of the danger it poses.

Qashqai driver Karen, not her real name,  said: “It’s basic biology. Do rhinos give way to a herd of antelope? No. They charge ahead because they’re top of the food chain.

“By hesitating around being courteous and prioritising others, these idiots are causing crashes among real drivers like me: confident, brake seldom, basically apex predators with windscreen wipers.”

Shane, not his real name, a Ford Ranger Raptor driver from Stafford, agreed: “There are rules about who has right of way at junctions, and there are unwritten rules about self-respect and what it takes to get ahead.

“I’m not giving way just to be ‘nice’. It’s not the 14th century and I’m not a gallant knight. I’m a 43-year-old man on the way to the big Sainsbury’s to buy toilet roll.”

Reform MP Robert Jenrick said: “This nation has been weakened by the constant nanny-state need to make sure others are not ‘at risk’ of an ‘imminent collision’. When we should be ruling the road and dominating every junction, instead we ‘give way’.

“I don’t even stop for red lights. I go straight through them.”

A MAN on Tinder who appears to be without significant perversions, addictions, commitment issues or a receding hairline is a huge red flag, women have agreed.

When 28-year-old Hannah, not her real name or age, matched with 32-year-old Guido, not his real name or age, she was immediately unsettled by his individually-tailored responses and failure to send a dick pic.

She said: “It was like I was talking to a human being, not an AI. So I was creeped out immediately.

“Tall, but he didn’t say ‘6ft cos apparently that matters’. No pictures in Lederhosen or by someone else’s sports car. Zero requests for nudes or feet pics. In every shot he’s fully clothed. My freak siren was screaming.

“Even worse, he seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me and ‘wants a monogamous relationship’. What unspeakable horror is this concealing? He’ll be asking me to shove a hairbrush up his arse on date one.

“He uses full sentences and correct spelling. How could he possibly be single? This is London. Any halfway normal man is chased by mobs of women the moment he leaves the house.”

Guido said: “Hannah’s right to be happy. I am in fact a 62-year-old about to interest her in an exciting crypto opportunity.”

GAS is rising. Diesel’s already unaffordable. The time has come for me to install a 249ft wind turbine in the garden of my new build.

Solar panels? For wimps. I might have been forced against my will to go green, but I’m not being wet and environmental about it. Besides, the sun never shines in this bloody country, apart from now but you get my point.

No, it’s a wind turbine, and if it’s going to power my gaff it’s going to have to be a f**king big one. There’s not a room without at least a 55-inch telly and we don’t turn them off.

Plus there’s three Range Rover Evoques – mine, the wife’s and the one for our 14-year-old to grow into – which are all going to have to go electric. They’ll be a serious drain, especially as we plan to leave them idling 24/7 once it’s free.

The garden’s not large, as I say it’s a new build, but we should be able to squeeze it in between the summerhouse, the decking, the hot tub and the brick pizza oven. Most of it’s height after all.

And as luck would have it I know a few of the lads who’ve been installing them and they’ll do it for mates’ rates. Can’t get me one that’s fallen off the back of a lorry though. Broken Britain.

Should be up by summer and I’ve told the neighbours they can piss off. You don’t need planning permission if it’s green, do you? And the blades are only 144 feet so they’ll easily clear the roofs.

Bollocks to Iran, Qatar and the whole Middle East. They’ve had enough of my money. I’m going self-sufficient in a big way. And if local kids shin up it trying to scrump my amperage I’ll be out here with a bloody cricket bat.

YOU know who gets texts from blokes, ignores them and it only makes them want me more? Me over here, a licensed plumber. Need him hungry for you, girls? Do this: 

Don’t respond to messages too quickly

You can’t be answering immediately. Makes you seem cheap. They have to be reminded they need you more than you need them. And go ahead and tease a little. Men like mystery. Make them wait in all night then send a last-minute text saying you’ve got another job that’s gone long but you’ll try to get to them sometime later this month. They love that.

Never let him know what you’re thinking

Keep him on his toes. Seem friendly, then give them the silent treatment. Say you’re nipping down Screwfix for a part then don’t come back for two days. Act like it’s no big deal it being a Sunday, then casually drop in that it’s double-time with a call-out fee once they’re committed.

Let him chase you

Set times you don’t show up for, book in dates you’re no intention of making, and when he’s had enough that’s when you reach out with a 750-word WhatsApp message revealing you’ve been going through some personal stuff lately but it’s over now and you are ready to make this work. Then don’t turn up again.

Reinforce that you have all the power

He can complain, he can vent, he can say ‘I thought we’d agreed this’ and ‘I don’t think I’m getting what I wanted’ but remember you have the power tools and the power. He’s completely dependent on you and he knows it. If you walk out now he’s completely f**ked. If he threatens to find someone else? You know how tough it is out there. He won’t.

Go bloody crazy on his pipes

Finally, give him the payoff. Show him you know your way around a pipe like nobody he’s ever let get down on their knees and see what’s flowing. Service good and bloody hard until he’s gasping with delight, then quote for six days’ work.

A MOTHER is gripped by a new live-action reality show which she is binge-watching via the streaming service of her kitchen window.

Mary, not her real name, could not get into Made in Chelsea or The Only Way is Essex, but has found herself riveted to the squabbles about trellises and hanging baskets that drop every day in her neighbour’s back garden.

She said: “I missed the first few seasons but the plot’s easy enough to pick up. And thanks to the second-screen-friendly dialogue I can even scroll on my phone at the same time.

“Basically, it’s about this suburban middle-class family who are coming to terms with their pointless existence via horticulture. Not only is it unmissable, there are no ads.

“It’s impossible to only watch one episode. Just when I’m about to see what’s on the telly, the conversation switches from the ivy that needs trimming to their daughter’s bulimia. I can’t walk away from a cliffhanger like that.

“The only downside is that nobody else watches it, so I can’t talk to anyone about the plot twists. I’m trying to get my friend Helen to give it a go by saying it’s like Ground Force meets Bridgerton.”

Neighbour Kelly, not her real name, said: “Mary’s obsessive viewing habits are disturbing. But we are nicking her WiFi and using her Disney+ account, so it’s a fair trade.”

THE long-held suspicion that it is impossible for women and women to have genuine friendships has been proved by researchers. 

A study which included peer-reviews of bitchy WhatsApps, lab measurements of subtle, withering comments about each other’s wardrobes and longitudinal studies concluded that women are incapable of friendship with women.

Professor Ronny, of the Institute for Studies, said: “What was a popular theory is now a scientific fact. Disagree and you’re as deluded as a flat-Earther.

“Women may all appear to be close confidants to the untrained, male eye. Look closer and you’ll see even the closest of friendships is a long war motivated by fiery hatred and a refusal to concede superiority. And if they’re actual sisters even more so.

“Resentment runs through everything women do. Hen parties are a calculated humiliation ritual. Weddings only exist to establish dominance over their closest enemies. Even their slumber party pillow-fights are just a controlled release of physical rage.

“Compare this to how well women get on with men. Often their friendship blossoms into ill-judged sex and occasionally marriage. After which they stop talking, but still.”

Woman Helen Archer said: “Who did they do this study on? I bet it was Emily, that f**king bitch.”

AN invitation has arrived, and of course you have no intention of going. But how best to do so without offending the host who unreasonably expects your presence? Try these: 

Turn it down

The cleanest strategy for handling invites is also the most challenging. Going against every instinct to embrace your anti-social nature with a swift ‘F**k no’ is tough, so ingrained is pretending people are pleasurable to spend time with. It does eliminate uncertainty over whether you’re a fun or available person, helpful in the face of future invites.

Accept, then cancel

Allows you to experience for a moment the feeling of being a normal sociable person who wants to ‘hang out’ while not actually doing it. It’s most convincing to leave making your excuses to a week before the event while bemoaning the other commitment that has cropped up ‘out of nowhere’ and is ‘truly gutting’.

Ghost

May require moving house, changing jobs, or going no-contact with family, but worth it if you struggle communication, confrontation and the rigmarole of basic human courtesy. A straightforward blanking allows you to continue as if an invite never arrived, safe in the knowledge that the host will eventually give up trying.

Turn it down then accept

Reverse the established norm to give your host a rousing rollercoaster of emotion, then cancel again, then accept again, and before long they’ll be ignoring your texts. Quite a turnaround.

Refuse to commit

Ideal for those who want to give their prospective host the most anxiety possible, this option suspends your host in a quantum state of indecision, waiting for you to sync diaries, taking hopes you can make it at face value, eager to see if fictional competing engagements pan out. Eventually text ‘sorry, can’t make it’ an hour after the event begins.

YOUR boisterous, irrepressible dog is fun and full of character. Everyone you meet definitely feels the same way, so it’s fine to do the following:

Let him off the lead

Anyone out in a public place is thrilled to have a random dog leaping up at them and barking wildly. Parents only take their toddlers to the park in the hope of securing such a delightful animal encounter free of charge. If your dog also entertains picnicking strangers by stealing their ham sandwiches, so much the better.

Take him everywhere you go

Cafes aren’t for a relaxed catch-up with friends, which is dull. Brunch needs to be enlivened by you and your dog rocking up at the adjacent table. His incessant barking, lunges at anyone passing and rancid farts will give everyone a subject to converse on. Are those yummy mummies laughing or gagging? Laughing, obviously.

Ignore all hygiene concerns

Current dog ownership involves forgetting everything you knew about the established scientific concept of ‘germs’. Don’t worry if your pet has had a lick at the Victoria sponge you’re serving to your guests. They’ll just laugh at what a mischievous little scamp he is and definitely won’t be thinking, ‘I’m eating shitty dog arse.’

Laugh off misbehaviour as delightful

Your dog isn’t dangerous, he’s an amusingly naughty boy and has no deep-rooted psychological issues a tasty treat won’t address. Anyway, a dog who doesn’t growl and snap is like a football match without goals: boring. He was only playing. That child’s parents should stop overreacting with silly talk about stitches, police, and post-traumatic stress.

Expect friends to look after him

Don’t pay for expensive boarding kennels when you go away. They treat all dogs the same, and your dog is an individual! It will be a wonderful privilege for your friends to dogsit, which means picking up dogshit and their fitted carpet being dug up. If they’ve walked him for less than three hours it’s their fault he ate their sofa.

Put a photo of him on your Christmas cards

Christmas wouldn’t be complete for your extended family without a picture of your terrifying hound on their mantelpiece. Life’s so busy, they haven’t really had a chance to visit since you got him. This will be a lovely festive reminder of the abject fear they’re missing.

DO you sometimes have to ensure your elderly parents attend a family event, keep a doctor’s appointment or simply come to visit? Here is the painful process step-by-step.

1. Have they remembered they’re going? No. Your inward groans begin. 

2. Discussion of weather. Yes, it could rain on the way to your car at the top of their drive. And gloves would be wise. It’s mild right now but it could suddenly turn into Hoth.

3. Use of toilet suggested. Debated for much longer than it takes to have a wee, or attempt to. Suggestion rejected.

4. They appear to be taking a long time to get ready.You go upstairs and discover they haven’t started yet. They are looking at a fly in the bedroom.

5. Putting on coats. Somehow takes seven minutes. They’ve only got two arms.

6. Actually they will go to the toilet. Urge to shout ‘For f**k’s sake!’ resisted by not wanting to give your mum the excuse to pretend to be shocked as if it’s the 1950s.

7. You point out the time. It is meaningless to them since they live in a timeless void known as ‘retirement’. 

8. Key-carrying responsibility discussed. Dad will lock the doors, but Mum will transport the house keys in her handbag. Which has also been confirmed to contain lip balm and tissues. Glad all that’s cleared up.

9. Unnecessary task performed, eg. washing-up. Yes, four unwashed mugs and two plates with scone crumbs on will be swarming with rats and cockroaches if left for two hours.

10. Door exited and locked. The stress thus far has taken six weeks off your life.

11. Check that door is locked. It is. Luckily the lock is designed not to randomly unlock itself.

12. Second check that door is locked. Sizewell B has fewer failsafe procedures.

13. Open bathroom window noticed. Dad goes back inside to prevent doll-sized burglar getting in. All previous door steps repeated.

14. Stopping on way to car. An urgent inspection of a flowerbed is required. Geraniums confirmed to exist. No further action necessary at this point.

15. Chat with neighbour. Sadly it appears Mrs Brown’s husband is still dead.

16. Seatbelt torture. The silver bit goes into the buckle clearly designed for that, so why does your dad appear to be fighting an octopus? Haven’t retracting seatbelts been around since the 1980s?

17. Journey begins. Request to go back and get travel sweets denied for 12-minute drive.

18. (If walking) Stop to look at something utterly uninteresting. Eg. unspectacular fallen branch, minor scaffolding project, the incredible coincidence of a neighbour having the same car as one of your relatives. You pray you will somehow never get old.

19. Realisation that one has forgotten their glasses.Yes, your mother failed to notice that everything had turned into a large fuzzy blob. You must return home. All progress is undone. You want to cry.

MORE and more places are welcoming dogs these days, but society still has a long way to go. Here are just six of the places I should obviously be allowed to take my gorgeous little fur baby.

Restaurants

Dogs are social creatures and they love to eat, so really a restaurant is the perfect place for them. If you’ve got a problem with my dog begging, drooling and sniffing your crotch while you enjoy dinner, that sounds like a you problem. Perhaps you should eat at home so my little angel doesn’t have to experience your dog-hating.

Your child’s birthday party

I don’t have a child. I have a dog. But why should that exclude me from your infant son’s birthday festivities? My labrador may be largely untrained and absolutely enormous, but he’ll have a blast hurtling around with your two-year-old and his mates. Just tell them not to get too rowdy as he is very easily startled.

The theatre

Just because my dog doesn’t speak English doesn’t mean he can’t appreciate the magic of theatre. And yes, perhaps he will run onto the stage and try to mount the cast – but that’s just how he expresses that he enjoyed the performance. He can’t exactly clap, can he?

An intensive care ward

I can already hear the protests – ‘But I’m critically ill!’ and ‘I’m in a coma!’. Well I’m sorry, but Milo is a curious little guy and there are lots of interesting things for him to smell in here. Plus, he absolutely loves chewing all the wires and tubes. If you saw how happy he’d be gnawing on a catheter you’d think twice about excluding him from your precious ward.

A funeral

Look, I’m sorry that a large portion of your aunt’s eulogy could not be heard because my dog was barking. But it’s not his fault. He saw a squirrel outside.

A nuclear submarine

Some people think bringing a dog aboard a cramped vessel packed with weapons of mass destruction is a bad idea. They say things like ‘It’s an extreme security risk’ and ‘How did you even get on board?’ But Milo just loves to explore new places and he won’t be any bother. If he accidentally launches a Trident missile and triggers a world war while chasing a tennis ball that seems like a design fault.

LONDON is the most dangerous place in the country according to your mother who last visited in 1981 for the Royal Wedding. This is what she thinks happens there:

Your phone will get stolen

Every resident of London has their phone stolen by youths on e-bikes at least five times a day. It’s in the Mail. Statistically, that means your phone will be snatched within 28 seconds of getting off the train then twice again before lunch. You’d be much better visiting somewhere safer, like Banbury or Dubai.

You’ll encounter a migrant

Not that there’s anything wrong with migrants, of course. They’re perfectly welcome to seek refuge in London so long as they stay there. It’s just they sell vapes and aren’t qualified to cut hair and I don’t understand why they can’t be migrants in their own country. It would save them the trouble of crossing the Channel.

You’ll commit knife crime

They’re all at it: wealth managers, PR girls, Tube drivers. Everyone in London indulges in knife crime on a daily basis. Honestly, before you’ve got to Cockfosters you’ll find a big deadly blade in your coat pocket and a burning desire to use it. Do you really want to stab someone just for having the wrong postcode when you could stay here in Uttoxeter?

You’ll question your entire identity

London is a diverse, multi-cultural melting pot, and worse they think that’s normal. Even just a day trip to the Big Smoke can have you reassessing whether you’re heterosexual or need to mix race. And the evidence shows that makes property prices go through the absolute roof.

You’ll get gentrified

You as you are? Not good enough for fancy Londoners. They’ll tear down your charming, homely features and replace them with a soulless glass-and-steel construction too expensive for anyone who isn’t a finance wanker to enjoy. Bad enough, but when you come back here you’ll look terribly out-of-place and your friends will rightly bully you.

EVERY arsehole you have the misfortune to speak to now aggressively calls you ‘buddy’, Britain has confirmed.

The twats, who can work in any field from vehicle repair to fencing installation, now automatically add ‘buddy’ to their verbal interactions while making it clear it is in no way friendly.

Julian, not his real name, of Stevenage said: “When a man greets you with the salutation, ‘alright buddy?’ it is natural to assume fellow feeling. Natural and wrong.

“In my experience, the next stage will be to tell you you cannot park there, or this particular meadow would be an unwise place to walk through with children as he is exercising his pit bulls, or the quote he gave over the phone was ‘provisional’.

“What happened to calling someone ‘mate’ or ‘pal’ to be hostile? Why has rampant Americanism changed our language so ‘buddy’ is the new codeword of belligerence, spat out rapidly at the end of sentences designed to dishearten?

“You are not genuine when you call me ‘buddy’. We are not ‘buds’. I am not fooled. Though obviously I will continue to be polite and play along.”

Heat pump maintenance engineer Stephen Malley said: “Yeah looks like a bird’s nested in it. That’s gonna run you about three grand buddy.”

THERE she is, waiting for her coffee order as if she’s done nothing wrong knowing full well your boyfriend would be all over her if he were here, which he isn’t. Here’s how to cope:

Text him angrily

All that’s standing between you and your beloved straining at the leash to betray you? His absence. Not the love and fidelity he’s pledged. Not all you’ve shared together. Fire off a text to let him know what a fickle, shallow arsehole he is, but without giving away it’s because you’ve seen her. ‘F**k you for not putting the bins out’ should do it.

Itemise defects

Her hair is too shiny, her tote bag quote annoying. That skinny with tits that big is ridiculous. There’s no way things would work between him and her. He’d be intimidated by constant competition from other men and irritated by her ten step skincare routine. You could look like that if only you were completely shallow and self-obsessed.

Feel pity and contempt for their age difference

She must be a good six years younger than him. There was a time when that would have constituted a police matter. Even though they’d both be in their 20s, it would be best if he signed some kind of a register. She’s essentially a 25-year-old infant with a child’s brain and he’s sick for even considering it.

Shudder with horror at his attempt to flirt

God, even his first approach to this vision of loveliness would be a crash-landing. She’s dated exclusively millionaires or gangsters since she turned 18 and in comes a data analyst from Croydon, stuttering and salivating and all he can think of to ask is ‘Do you like bread?’ She wouldn’t even answer and he’d walk away all defeated. Snooty bitch.

Leave as if nothing happened

You’ve just completed an entire emotional arc your partner will never know about. Receding behind you sits a stranger who has unknowingly participated in a relationship stress test. He should be ashamed, and she should be served with a restraining order which specifies it’s for whoredom. You? You’ve triumphed. Hold your head up high.

With Jess, your Gen X Tiktok beauty influencer who knows real women aren’t afraid to play possibly fatal Radiance Regime Roulette

LARGE pores are a natural part of aging, and if anyone sees them you’ve failed and should lock yourself in a hut for the rest of your life, like women used to.

The only way to keep your pores authentic and feminine is to obliterate them from view. Begin by going in with a spritz of ice water. As cold as you can stand. You need to be punished for daring to age.

This makes your pores visibly shrink, but too many of them are still wide open and emitting tiny rasping screams like my pleuritic uncle when I used to turn off his CPAP machine to tease him.

And, like Uncle Evelyn, I’m always asking myself ‘how much is too much when it comes to asbestos-based resurfacers’? This Golden Age skin technology is regaining classic status, thanks to Bella Hadid’s signature chin that shines like a messenger of god.

This week’s must-have is La Mer’s ‘Bestos in Show’ exfoliation system. Created with vintage pipe insulation harvested from Jayne Mansfield’s Pink Palace on Sunset Boulevard, this blasts Golden Age glamour right into your deepest most hidden layers.

It’s a steal at £529.99 in Space NK this month for 6ml, and you won’t even need all of that for a single treatment to mute the intolerable howling of your pores that keeps me up at night until only certain videos you can watch on the darknet can lull me to sleep.

One coat and your face is silent and smooth, like a sexy newborn salamander sliding down your hungry throat. You’re ready to be unobtrusive to men again.

So get out there besties and ignore the haters! By which I mean your inner voices, and the terrible things they will you to do! Be iconic!

IT would just be like so wrong to deprive teenagers like me of my socials because I have grew up with it and there is all what you learn from it, right?

Social media is a vital part of young peoples life’s nowadays. In the future we will need to know technology to get a job. If your boss tells you to watch TikTok and you don’t know what that is, you’ll get the sack. Thats just the Real World.

In any case AI will have taken all the jobs and its all vibe coding now. What point am I making here? Dunno.

Social media is also important for our education. I’m reading comments on Insta all day and thats learning me good spelling. It would be wrong to deprive us of such a voluble learning resauce.

Anyway its like totally addictive so we can’t stop using it if we wanted to. Is that actually more of a bad thing about it? I don’t know because at school I’m usually on Snapchat instead of learning how to construct an argument. The Government needs to do something about that.

Also banning me off social media would be wrong because its how young people communicate these days, you feel me? I mean, yeah, mostly we just put emojis next to videos, but sometimes we really open up emotionally and use a sad face.

Of course theres harmful content out there, but you can just make it illegal with a law. Someone made a fake nude of a girl in my form group, and I’m like totally against that. Its wrong to compare ordinary women to professional porn stars with much better tits.

So after reading the arguments I’ve done here, I think you’ll agree we must not ban under-16s from social media. Even if its just so we stay online in our bedrooms rather than talking to you about our clueless bullshit.

A COUPLE meeting up for the third time have already exhausted all the entertaining anecdotes they have to share.

Despite having only been on three dates, potential partners Jack and Lauren, not their real names, have already discussed the highlights of their respective lives and now have nothing of interest left to say to each other.

He said: “I thought my horizon-expanding trip to Japan would sustain at least a few months of dates. But Lauren’s already glazing over when I talk about riding the Shinkansen to Buddhist temples.

“The time I ran a marathon? Blown on the first date. As was the tale of when I thought I’d won the lottery. I should have known to keep something gripping in reserve, but I was just so pathetically desperate to maintain her attention.

“Now all I’ve got left to discuss is what happened to me during my actual daily life, which is boring as f**k. I’ll save Lauren the hassle of ghosting me by dumping her now.”

Hewitt said: “Jack’s being hasty, we can create our own fun stories. They’ll bring us closer together and when we break up we’ll have something to tell our next dates about.”

ATTENDING an online seminar is a fantastic opportunity to get stuff done while some arsehole is droning on about bullshit, research has found.

The Institute of Studies found that online presentations, without any need for attendees to participate or turn cameras and microphones, are incredibly productive in the sense of getting the washing hung out, the dog brushed and the grouting deep-cleaning.

Professor Henry, not his real name, said: “It is a basic human urge to f**k about doing stuff when someone is talking, especially if they’re talking about work.

“A webinar? Our research shows that this time, when an employee is least engaged in work, is often their most productive hour of the day.

“Not for employers, no, but in terms of folding washing, trimming nosehair and applying beauty treatments, it’s really getting tasks ticked off. And over half those surveyed found they still had a rudimentary, one-line understanding of what the webinar was about.”

Hybrid worker Joshua Hudson said added: “I did all the paperwork for my recent house move during a webinar about data-centred analysis of retail park footfall in the West Midlands. It’s saved me hours I can now spend drinking alone.

“If they ever make me have my camera on, I’m leaving the company.”

Webinar host Oliver, not his real name, said: “I know nobody’s listening. I pop on a recording of myself back from when I still had hope and get on with weeding the garden.”

ROYAL Mail bosses are to be called to Parliament to answer for their failure to deliver letters on time, but are we imposing unfair expectations on them?

William McKay, conveyancer: “Notice how it’s always the privatised businesses who come in for all this criticism. That’s victimisation, pure and simple.”

Wayne Hayes, psychiatric nurse: “I don’t see the issue with only receiving post once a week. In the Kevin Costner film The Postman they get it years late, and that was a post-apocalyptic society just like ours.”

Joanna Kramer, full-time mother: “Postmen used to have time to give you a good seeing to over the kitchen table. Now I barely have time to toss him off at the door.”

Jordan Gardner, tanning salon manager: “Royal Mail have blamed weather and illness for the problem. Well those are both new things which have never happened before so give them a break.”

Helen Archer, camgirl: “It’s all junk mail anyway! By which I mean I correspond with multiple older gentlemen who post me regular dick pics.”

A MAN who accidentally ticked a box saying he was gay on his equalities form now feels compelled to go along with it, to be an ally.

34-year-old digital services manager Jim, not his real name, realised his error during orientation when he was welcomed to the team by his employer’s LGBTQ officer, and felt it was the wrong time to correct it.

He said: “I don’t want to offend anyone by being straight. But on the other hand, the longer this goes on the worse it gets.

“Maybe at six months, after I finish my probation? But that will make the rainbow lanyard I’m now wearing a lie and the expenditure on sending me to that Gay In Tech conference fraudulent. And that sounds like it’ll be fun.

“It’s too late to explain my sexuality is a typo, and saying I’ve had a rethink and I like fanny now isn’t going to convince anyone. So I’ve started binging Drag Race to learn the slang and called the Q1 accounts ‘iconic’.

“I get to sit with the girls at lunch, I get a day off to go to Pride, I get compliments on my casual Friday outfits. All in all it’s a positive experience and I’m demolishing gay stereotypes by being a bit fat with bad skin.

“Will from estates has invited me to a gay bar. I’d pull out but I’m in too deep. I hope they serve real ale.”

ARE you a terrible, inconsiderate son who doesn’t know what to get his mum for Mother’s Day? Try these safe gifts.

A phone call

Doesn’t have to be long. A quick two-minute chat will make your mum happy, even though she carried you for nine months and spent 15 agonising hours pushing you out. Try to make the conversation about her for once though, and how much she means to you. Your usual calls where you beg her for money can wait.

Breakfast in bed

Don’t actually know anything about your mum? Don’t panic. While she would’ve definitely enjoyed a thoughtful present related to one of her interests you’re oblivious too, some burnt toast on a plate presented to her in bed is an adequate alternative. Push the boat out and include a cup of tea that isn’t made to her liking.

Some flowers

If you were an attentive son, you would’ve already pre-ordered a bunch of your mum’s favourite flowers to be delivered to her on the big day. Seeing as you’re not even sure if she likes flowers, you’ll have to make do with a handful of daffodils yanked out of her garden. They’re definitely a step up from a bouquet of forecourt flowers, due to not being completely shrivelled yet.

A nice meal

You’ve left it too late to book a table at Wetherspoons, so you’ll have to cross your fingers that there’s a space at a fancy restaurant. Failing that, anywhere your mum can sit in peace for five minutes and sip on an elderflower cordial will do. You have to accompany her to whatever you settle on as well, otherwise she’ll look tragic.

For you to move out

Your mum may say that she wants chocolates or a trip to the spa, but this is really what she’s holding out for. She already knows how she wants to redecorate the childhood bedroom you still live in, so get her the ultimate treat this Mother’s Day by moving all of your crap into a storage unit. If you need help, your dad will be all too happy to lend a hand.

By internet enthusiast Nancy, who doesn’t understand why documents don’t fall out of the cloud when it rains

IN my day dirty old men wore raincoats and leered. Like Terry down the butcher’s. Marie married him, but then she had to with her moustache.

But in the 21st century? They’ve got yachts and planes and islands. Take this Geoff Epstein. Good-looking man by the standards of Geoffs, but by all accounts a wrong ’un. Got Andrew in terrible trouble, and I’m a Royalist but he was always thick as mince.

There’s all sorts in his Epstein’s files, though. Politicians, diplomats, presidents. Makes me wonder – am I in there?

You might ask why he’d be mentioning an ex-bookmaker’s assistant who’s six decades outside his age range and can only get the iPad to work by shouting at it. But I let Roy take a few saucy shots back in the day. Upskirt stuff. So hot I’m surprised we got them back from the chemist.

Lord knows where they ended up, and that’s the sort of blackmail material Epstein was after. There’s nothing more compromising than a sturdy thigh and a floral gusset.

And I could easily be an enemy of a man like that. I’m very forthright. Like Graham at bowls, he didn’t like strong ladies. I’ve reposted endless memes about his mate Peter Mandelson on the Facebook and I even read a few.

Is there any way I can write to the local council and see if I’m in? Like with my Freedom of Information requests about those remote-controlled pigeons I read about online, which they were very dismissive of. Said ‘they move around a lot’ and ‘all look the same’. That’s what they want you to think.

And when Andrew’s interview came out, I publicly – on the Facebook’s neighbourhood group – called him a ‘fat n0nce’. I put the 0 in to stop it being rude. He will have seen that and the word will have gone out that I must be silenced.

Bill Gates knew Geoff, but it’s supposedly a coincidence that my Windows 95 machine keeps breaking down. Never mind that my grandson Oli says it’s ‘riddled with viruses’. Who do you think sent those?

We need them to search the Epstein files for me. And tell them to search ‘Wilks’ as well as ‘Nancy’, because a lot of the time people spell it wrong.