HUMOUR

THE 1990s were every bit as perfect as your nostalgia-clouded memories make them out to be, a research project has discovered.

A team tasked with investigating whether Oasis, doing pills in superclubs, voting New Labour and Two Dogs alcoholic lemonade were actually as good as they are claimed to be has found that yes, they were at least that great and probably more so.

Professor Swift, not his real name,  of the Institute for Studies said: “Our working hypothesis was the years 1990 through to 1999 only seemed a non-stop thrill ride because you were in the prime of your life still aflame with possibilities. Bollocks. They were just brilliant.

“The Berlin Wall was down, you could smoke indoors, lad mags were getting all the hottest girls on telly to pose naked and university was free. It was the definition of a golden age.

“Even the news was fine. The recession was benign and kindly. War in Yugoslavia barely touched us because it was a bit confusing and America busied itself with the OJ trial. Footballers still got pissed and Mars bars were the size of your fist.”

He added: “Remember that ‘Hello Boys’ advert? Good times.”

51-year-old Ronny, not his real name, said: “Best decade ever, no competition. Nobody’s going to look back at the 2020s fondly. Who’s getting wistful over shit memes about worse mental health?”

By Josh Gardner, who is killing intergenerational healing

TIME to admit it: millennials are more cooked than pub chips. Boomers think we’re snowflakes, Gen X think we’re entitled pricks, and Gen Z think we’re cringe uncs.

For what? Because we believe a £15-a-day takeaway coffee habit is totes reasonabs? Because we ran a viciously Maoist social media regime? Or because we took self-obsession to new levels and can’t let go of Harry Potter? I honestly can’t tell.

Either way, we’re losing the war between the generations. Unless we lock in soon we’ll be L plus ratio’d into oblivion forever. So we have to launch a pre-emptive strike on Gen Alpha.

It’s strategic genius, and not in the actually-the-opposite-of-that Donald Trump sense. Their oldest members are 14, so their banter’s going to be weaksauce. And the youngest are mere months old. Even our most blue-haired can beat that.

And as they’re yet to be defined, we can project whatever bullshit stereotypes onto them we want. Maybe their saying 6, 7 is killing the housing industry? Millennials took more shit for less.

I decided to get in there early by bullying the first Gen Alpha I could find. It was a 13-year-old on TikTok, so I rinsed him by pointing out that he’ll never be able to buy cigarettes.

But rather than ragequitting, he said ‘Sir, you appear to be in your thirties and concerned with media-generated tribal conflicts. Don’t you think that’s a little tragic?’

‘Not to mention the fact that the Tobacco and Vapes Bill will likely lead to the creation of a black market instead of permanently eradicating them, as with cannabis.’ Yeah. He was crashing out alright.

Then I heard sniggering behind me and turned to find a cross-generational grouping laughing – unbelievably – at me. Saying my attack was just ‘typical millennial copium’.

‘You’re just like me and you hate me!’ cackled a Boomer. ‘That was more cringe than when you got a moustache tattooed onto your index finger!’ laughed a Zoomer.

They weren’t wrong. In my haste to assert dominance I’d fumbled big time. Oh well, I’ll get another chance when Generation Beta comes of age. Those f**ks are going down.

A FATHER believes the Covid inquiry’s verdict that lockdown irreparably damaged a generation of children pretty much gets him off the hook.

Chris, aged 46, not his real name or age, decided that as his children, aged seven and nine in 2020, were among those for whom ‘ordinary childhood was brought to a halt’ and were left with ‘lasting scars’ none of their subsequent behavioural issues can be blamed on him.

He said: “Bad father and bad role model, my arse. It’s lockdown. That’s why Jed wags school to go shoplifting, because the government basically told him to.

“He was at an impressionable age, and the prime minister’s on telly telling him staying off school will save lives? That’s going to sink in. Subconsciously, he’s still playing the hero.

“And it says here that nobody was prepared for the sudden and enormous task of educating children in their homes. I certainly wasn’t, what with having no GCSEs, which is why I delegated that job to YouTube. Turns out it’s not all tuition videos on there.

“That two years off school – I didn’t bother sending them in between lockdowns, I could see which way the wind was blowing – did so much damage. I couldn’t fix it. I knew better than to even try.

“Next time the school calls me in, probably Tuesday, I’ll tell them they never learned basic arithmetic or that bullying’s wrong or how to read or punctuality or when not to swear or the UK drinking age because of lockdown. Thank God. For a moment there I blamed myself.”

THERE is no experience available to humanity more shameful than finding another person attractive, research has found.

Although depicted in literature and music as a feeling that lifts the soul, actual sufferers of crushes report symptoms including anxiety, blushing, overheating and hyperawareness of their own face.

Tom, not his real name, who desperately fancies his colleague Grace Wood-Morris, said: “Oh God, it’s mortifying. Every evening is a catalogue of painful regrets. And this is meant to be good?

“When I’m scrolling her Instagram, listening to Dusty Springfield and imagining our life together it seems alright. None of that survives even fleeting contact with Grace. All I do is overthink and say idiot things and wish to sink painlessly into the earth forever.

“I’m 32 with a mortgage and moles. Do you know how humiliating it is to plan outfits? To change my email signature from ‘best wishes’ to ‘kind regards’ lest it betray my fluttering lovelorn heart? There should be a cut off of 18 for this sort of thing, like with acne.

“Today she offered me a cup of tea and I reacted like it was a marriage proposal. To be fair she was giving out blatant sexual signals such as wearing a nice jumper.”

Professor Amice, not his real name, of the Institute of Notes said: “A crush creates anxiety by raising levels of stress hormone cortisol. It’s the body’s fight-or-flight response. And the answer is ‘flight’.”

CHANGING rooms are carefully designed to make you feel repulsed by yourself, the items you are considering buying, the whole concept of clothing and the world, it has emerged.

Along with maddening layouts and disdainful staff, the harsh overhead lighting is chosen to confuse, demoralise and shatter all self-esteem, making shopping less a leisure activity and more an existential assault on the soul.

Changing room designer Eleanor, not her real name, said: “We pick ultra-harsh light fixtures usually associated with evening sporting events and position them six inches above you.

“The resulting aggressive glare makes your semi-naked body look as dusty and cratered as the surface of the moon while casting shadows on your lined face that make you look at least a decade older.

“The longer you stand starkly illuminated against a dun wall like a prisoner of war, the lower your will to live. You’ll move from asking why this dress makes you resemble sweating cheese through abandoning all social events to never leaving the house again.

“We want our customers to feel like disgusting little blobs in petri dishes being observed through microscope by judgemental gods who will write them up for the Mail’s sidebar of shame.”

Customer Hannah, not her real name, said: “I really appreciate how changing rooms put me off ever buying or wearing clothes again. However I’m unsure about it as a business model.”

MANY aspects of modern dating are weird and distressing, even ‘happy’ relationships. Here are some nightmare partnerships the digital age has served up.

Therapy-speak Gen Zs

Can you even call them a couple? They prefer to be referred to as a stable situationship or an anxiously-attached ambivalent pairing, but rest assured you’re going to hear about it in f**king detail. You start to wonder if they’re aliens – do they know you can have sex using your genitals, or do they just spend all their time together analysing things?

Fitness freaks

Often spotted out on morning, evening, and possibly even smug nocturnal runs, this couple lives to punish themselves. With their main topics of conversation limited to reps, sets and targets, they probably only have sex to get their heart rate up. ‘Was it good for you?’ probably requires them to check Strava.

Business buddies

They didn’t so much date as connect over work, which they love, and together have become the final boss of boring with their own brand of business blandness. They’ll need to ‘circle back’ on their plans for dinner, but after ‘touching base’ they can confirm that sex is ‘a deliverable’.

#CoupleGoals

The Insta-worthy duo never misses a chance to document the inane details of their lives together. Expect entire online sagas about matching outfits and buying each other dull gifts. Worse, they might feed their endless content mill with cute coupley ‘pranks’, although ‘humiliating your partner and filming it’ seems more accurate to you.

Edgy creatives

Ready to crap condescension into any conversation, this couple is convinced they live on a different plane to the rest of you normies. Your ignoble Netflix and chill nights could never match their penchant for Russian cinema or East London ‘algoraves’. Just knowing what those are should be punishable by being forced to listen to 5,000 hours of Val Doonican.

Together to split rent

The days of couples hating their partner should have ended with ‘her indoors’ boomer humour, but property prices are causing more miserable matches than ever. Listening to their barely concealed loathing will make you determined to be financially independent, or at least prepared to live in a tent by a lay-by in blissful singleness.