HUMOUR

RESEARCH has found that the older you are, the guiltier you feel about taking time off sick. And it can definitely cause some deeply irrational thoughts, like these:

‘It’s morally wrong’

Does taking a day off sick even count as a moral or immoral act? Not unless you’re skiving off to commit a murder, in which case you’ve got more to worry about than what your boss thinks. Also, disposing of a body would be horrendous with this cold.

‘I must sound ill on the phone’

When phoning in sick, it’s almost impossible not to put on a feeble voice and give a little cough to prove your case. It’s unnecessary and frankly a bit silly. What’s next? A video call while you’re sitting on the toilet making vile noises to prove you’ve got a tummy upset?

‘Will I get the sack?’

The classic paranoid sickie thought. Get a grip and imagine your boss explaining it to their boss: ‘A staff member I have no real complaints about, who takes a normal amount of time off sick, claimed to have a flu-like illness common in the UK, so I fired them.’ ‘Excellent work, Emma, that’s how to run an effective business.’

‘I am betraying my co-workers’

Yes, Gavin and the others are heroically battling through a normal workload while you fail to do your duty like a coward. Oh, hang on, you’re an office worker, not a squaddie abandoning your mates to die in a Taliban attack. You wouldn’t need to lose weight if you were.

‘Will someone come and check on me?’

Might your boss dispatch a colleague to your home? Not unless they are deranged and seriously overstaffed, and even then it’s probably illegal harassment. Your ill, paranoid brain can’t accept this, so you do the sensible thing of sitting away from a window and trying to look miserable instead of laughing at the comforting YouTube shite you’re watching.

‘I wish I had a more serious illness’

Are you ill enough to justify taking time off? It’s a question you’ll be obsessed with for hours, until you wish you were suffering from something clear-cut like a broken leg. Hopefully your next sickie will be the result of being hit by a car, you reason. Your horrific injuries will mean you can relax then.

‘They’ll discover they don’t need me’

Could your job actually be done by your colleagues, and you’re paid tens of thousands of pounds a year unnecessarily? Clearly ‘yes’, because modern companies are notorious for employing way more staff than they need. That’s why they keep you entertained at work with dancing girls and an office jester.

COMPLAINING about people behind their backs yields better results than talking to them directly, scientists have found.

Research showed that while being more cowardly, bitching is a safer way of venting your frustration than telling someone how awful they are to their face, which could get you punched or fired.

Professor Frost, not her real name, of the Institute for Stories said: “Evidence suggests bitching is an evolutionary advantage. None of our ancestors ever got mauled for secretly slagging off a predator.

“Bitching is probably why humanity learnt to talk in the first place. Not to express needs or abstract thoughts, but to mock the sabre-toothed tiger skins the neanderthals in the cave next door are wearing. Civilisation as we know it has these snide comments to thank.

“However confrontation escalates until one side backs down or dies. The only risk associated with bitching is when someone grasses you up. And even then you can lie your way out of it if you’re a nasty little creep.”

She added: “Plus you can bitch from the comfort of your sofa with a big bottle of wine. What more proof do you need?”

Researcher Karen, not her real name, said: “We’re confident our findings are accurate. Unless Hannah f**ked up her data again, but what do you expect from a lazy cow like her?”

STARTING at university? You will meet so, so many middle-class girls, usually studying psychology, that you fancy. But they will also have these infuriating traits:

Not fancying you

While wilfully being attractive, the nice girls suddenly surrounded by are annoyingly sensible about who they sleep with, and how long it takes them to decide to. Is it too much to ask that universities are required by law to include ‘ease of getting laid’ in their prospectuses?

Having oddly-named friends

Hang out with middle-class-verging-on-posh girls and you will discover a social circle filled with Arabellas, Octavias, Harriets and maybe even a Jocasta. Worse are the nicknames: Minty? Cheski? Boodie? Were they made to swap names with their horses?

Making the most of university life

Nice girls fling themselves into activities such as rowing or the debating society, tempting you to follow. But nobody, however lovely, is worth getting up at 6am to sit on a cold, wet, miserable river for. Or worth listening to smartarse debates by 18-year-old twats who want to be Tory MPs for.

Questionable music taste

Uni has always been about being into cool bands, but trying to pull a girl devoted to an artist who was her favourite at her Gloucestershire grammar school is work. After your third Idles gig, you’ve been preached at so much you’d rather go to f**king church.

Having privileged existences

Young women at the upper end of the middle-class affluence scale do not realise it. It’s disconcerting when they say ‘You mean you’ve never been to Santa Fe?’ totally aghast, as if you’d just admitted your family lives in a sewer pipe.

Their alternative lifestyle choices

All students explore alternative choices at uni, not least middle-class girls finally free of their parents. Typically that means veganism or New Age woo, both equally hard to put up with. Eventually you will say ‘No, Olivia, I am not going with you to the Cornwall Festival of Druidism.’

Already having boyfriends

It’s disappointing in any circumstances to discover someone you fancy is attached. However at least at university this is the smallest romantic challenge you face, because as everyone knows sixth-form boyfriends last until mid-October.

A 42-YEAR-OLD who was a pariah in youth for not drinking, not having sex, being right-wing and having a mullet is gratified to see those things become cool.

Martin, not his real name, has realised he was not a teenage loser but well ahead of the curve, and believes the person he was 26 years ago would be the most popular kid at school today.

He said: “Sad wanker, they called me, just for having more than 2,000 porn mags. Well Gen Z boasts about how much they goon. Who’s the sad wanker now?

“And joining the Young Conservatives was death for my social life. With today’s edgy online teens, the only concern was that they’re not Nazi enough for lols.

“Being a politically incorrect loner who stays in, doesn’t booze, doesn’t shag and gets socially anxious is ‘based’ now. Pokémon, high-waisted trousers, socks and plastic sandals, and calling everyone a paedo are rewarded behaviours.

“My wispy moustache was mocked. My glasses got me called Deirdre Rashid. I was boring for not going to the pub. Staying in watching The Office was called being a friendless twat then, and now it’s normal. I feel validated, but I’d much rather have been popular.”

Marttin added: “I posted some photos of myself at 20 online and had DMs from hot girls asking which charity shop sold me that cool vintage cardigan. I cried.”

A WOMAN whose boyfriend is sulking and refusing to speak to her is actually treating it as a lovely break from his wittering.

Following a row, Anthony, not his real name, has barely spoken to Jess, not her real name, for two days, failing to anticipate that for her it would turn out to be one of the happiest times in their relationship.

She said: “”Ant’s” in a strop about something and thinks he’s punishing me with his silence. I’d argue the punishment is not that effective, because I’m bloody loving it.

“No pathetic hint-dropping that he wants sex, no tedious work anecdotes I couldn’t give a f**k about, and best of all I have full control of the TV remote. I turned the football over to watch Corrie last night and because he’s so determined not to speak there was nothing he could do about it.

“It got me thinking, if life is so much better without his perpetual blathering, how great would it be if I didn’t have to look at him either? So I’m thinking of dumping him before the weekend then going out on the pull with the girls.”

Ant said: “To be honest, I’ve forgotten what I was in a mood about, but I’m not breaking my vow of silence. That would just be an admission I was in the wrong. About something.

“Jess’s putting a brave face on it and smiling all the time, but I can tell she’s incredibly upset underneath. I’ll start speaking to her again on Friday so I’ll get a shag at the weekend as usual.”

ON A date, but prefer to keep all that getting-to-know-each-other conversation to a minimum? Choosing these will make the evening as silent as a long marriage:

Cinema

Watching a film together quietly will be excellent practice for the rest of your relationship. But since going to an arthouse flick is cooler than slumping in front of Ludwig,you’ll both be able to invest in the fiction that you like each other and are compatible before moving things along to sex.

Theatre

Like the cinema but more so, the theatre only truly exists to persuade couples they’re doing something other than facing in the same direction while not speaking. Doing this as a date? Legitimises your shared pretence you are classy so means you can skip straight to rutting like beasts, because they did in Pretty Woman. 

Gig

Trickier, as you need to agree on an artist you both like. Or pick someone entirely unknown and hope the audience is cool enough to validate it. But has the appeal of conversation being impossible and you can hold hands so as to not lose each other in the crowd, and once you’re holding hands you may as well do oral later.

Comedy club

Suggests you’re fun because you like to passively enjoy other people being fun. In reality it’s likely to be either dull (weekday) or drowned out by pissed arseholes (weekend) but at least the poor bastards on stage will be the ones straining to say something interesting, rather than you. And it encourages drinking, which encourages sex.

Ice skating

Introduces very real danger into the equation. Your date will be so busy concentrating on not falling over, making a tit of themselves and breaking an ankle they’ll forget to ask if you have a good relationship with your mother or have any pets. Also they’ll clutch onto you a lot and be so grateful it’s over you’ll be banging as soon as you’re in proper shoes again.

Silent disco

Taking off the headphones is cheating, you explain, adding that it’s also expected to move around the venue and you needn’t stick together. Then groove to your heart’s content, meeting up with them at the end. Remove your headphones and say ‘So, fancy coming back to mine for full intercourse?’ It might work.

A WOMAN who listens to podcasts about violent crime in every spare moment would prefer never to be the victim of a violent crime herself, she has admitted.

Crime aficionado Maria, not her real name, loves nothing more than tales of innocent women being brutally murdered by persons unknown but, despite her obsession, plans to live into old age and to die of natural causes.

She explained: “I watched a documentary about Ted Bundy as a teenager and I’ve been fascinated ever since. There’s not a serial killer I don’t know, even the niche hipster ones.

“I know loads about victimology, criminal profiling and how dangerous predators are caught, but nonetheless I personally would hate to be kidnapped and held in a cellar by a psychopath? Is that weird? It just gives me the ick.”

Criminologist Dr Helen, not her real name, said: “Maria is wrong. When it comes to murder, as with many things, women get confused about what they actually desire.

“If she likes finding out about things it automatically follows she would enjoy being personally involved in those things, even if it does inevitably lead to a shallow grave in the woods.

“The contradiction is further compounded by the fact that Mary, as a young, attractive woman with her life ahead of her, fits the profile of the ideal murder victim. It’s a tragedy for the true crime community. Imagine the content we’d get out of it.”

A NAIVE 18-year-old has decided to take a degree that will do nothing but deepen her understanding of the world and appreciation of the human experience.

Lucy, not her real name, has condemned herself to a lifetime in debt by choosing a course which only broadens her mind and enhances her life instead of leading to a solid middle-management position.

Friend Ellie, not her real name, said: “I explained the point of university is to give yourself an unassailable advantage when applying for white-collar positions at blue-chip companies. But she kept talking about her ‘passion for learning’.

“What can she possibly learn by studying English Literature? All the books are summarised on Wikipedia now anyway, and if you need to do critical thinking about them there’s ChatGPT.

“Closely analysing incredible works by great writers is a waste of three years. All she’ll develop is a keen sense of empathy and a rich cultural understanding of the world around her. Employers don’t give a f** about that.

“And when she’s not making her way through the canon, she’ll be out on the piss and hooking up with boys doing sports science. I couldn’t think of a more dreary existence.”

Lucy said: “Yeah, well if I regret my decision I’ll be able to articulate my despair in a Petrarchan sonnet.”

IT’S hard to believe, but not everyone likes you as much as you do. These are a few tell-tale signs people actually find you f**king irritating:

You get no eye contact

In the brief face-to face interchanges you have with colleagues, particularly females, they never seem to talk to you directly. Is this because you’re so ruggedly handsome that they fear gazing at you directly? No. It’s because your eyes are routinely transfixed at their chest and they’re all secretly bitching about your pervy ways.

You get fixed eye contact

Male colleagues, on the other hand, give you a fixed, unblinking glare. This isn’t the stoic glower of masculine approval you naively believe it to be. Instead, they’re pissed off because you either stole one of their clients, got the promotion that was rightfully theirs, or hit on their partner at the work do. Or, knowing you, all three.

They take non-existent phone calls

Constantly being on your phone around others is rude. That’s unless the person in question doesn’t like you, in which case it’s the perfect defence barrier. Notice how co-workers and acquaintances only seem to get calls when they see you approach, and how they always have to duck out and take it in private. It’s no coincidence. You’re that annoying.

You’re only in one WhatsApp group

Even tolerable people get roped into several WhatsApp groups like ‘Mark’s birthday gift ideas’ and ‘Soph’s leaving do’. Meanwhile you were only invited to one titled ‘Work’, and that was due to an administrative error. Although considering how annoying WhatsApp groups are, your terrible personality has done you a favour on this occasion.

You’re not invited to social events

Your mates invited you to their birthday parties and weddings a long time ago, but not anymore. And as for your work colleagues, they tend to keep their after work drinks to themselves. You get copied into the Christmas party email, but only because the company is legally obligated to. This behaviour is due to a little thing called your personality.

You’ve been punched in the face

People who are a pleasure to be around are sometimes punched, but only lightly and on the arm. A swift blow to the face is a coded message that your banter is grating and that everyone is tired of your constant one-upmanship. Your failure to pick up on this is also an indicator that you’re thick as shit. A quality that often goes hand-in-hand with being annoying as f**k.

WOMEN have reminded their boyfriends, husbands and male family members that they can see who they follow on Instagram and have no intention of pretending they cannot.

The warning has shattered men’s collective belief that tapping ‘Follow’ on the account of an attractive stranger was a private act nobody would ever discover, much less judge.

28-year-old Jess, not her real name, said: “It’s sweet how naive they are. Imagining we don’t go straight to their follower list once we find their accounts. I’ve done it from the car park after first dates.

“And it’s all there – Only Fans models, ‘fitness’ videos clearly designed only to give your wrist a workout and obvious AI scam bots with names like ‘Big Tits Zilla’ and ‘Legs Daily’.

“They always say ‘I don’t know her’. Of course they don’t. She’s a porn star living in LA and they’ve hardly left Doncaster. But they seem to think liking all her posts is the first step to a sexual relationship.

“It’s not like we’re hacking into the Pentagon, boys, there’s an actual search button. We’re also looking for exes, anyone a bit young for you, friends you’d clearly bang given the chance and any sudden, suspicious interest in women’s sports.

“Why don’t they understand the whole world can see when you comment under a thirst trap with ‘yummy’? I haven’t been able to look at Grandad the same way since.”

Husband Anthony, not his real name, aged 39, said: “Jess’s is a massive hypocrite. She claims she’s following my ex for ‘fashion tips’.”

A secondary school teacher could not care less what some kid they taught 20 years ago is up to these days.

Upon being approached by a former pupil while doing the big shop, history teacher Martin, not his real name, made it clear he had no interest in reminiscing about his underpaid day job.

He said: “Apparently I was an inspirational Robin Williams from Dead Poets Society figure to this guy. Shame I didn’t inspire him to leave me the f**k alone. He’s blocking the frozen chips.

“Why would I be happy to see him? He’s a grim reminder of the relentless passage of time. Since I last saw him he’s all grown up, yet I’m still droning on about Nazis to a bunch of Year 9s who don’t give a shit.

“What did he expect to happen? That I’d be overwhelmed with nostalgia and we’d pick up where we left off? The last thing we talked about was probably the failure of the League of Nations, which isn’t the basis of a friendship.

“To be honest I don’t even remember him. Pupils blend into one greasy, amorphous blob after a while. The only ones us teachers recall are the arseholes. We like to read in the local paper when they’re sent down.”

Martin’s ex-student Cad, not his real name, said: “I thought he’d be happy to hear my knowledge of history had led to a fulfilling career. But all he said was his hasn’t.”

ACTING isn’t the preserve of the good-looking, the talented, or even their nepo babies. Ordinary people like you perform, and these six turns in particular deserve an Oscar:

Sober at work

The Academy would be blown away if they’d seen your convincing portrayal of a sober person at work the morning after a heavy night. Your liver was still metabolising 12 pints, but like an Equity card holder you didn’t keel over and throw up once. With these talents you should be performing Shakespeare. Hamlet’s soliloquies would be a piece of piss in comparison.

Delight at receiving gift

Traditionally a difficult role to nail. Overdoing your enthusiasm looks hammy, underplay it and people get suspicious. You threaded the needle perfectly when your wife got you that spa weekend gift voucher instead of the Nerf gun you’d dropped hints about. And that ad-lib about how you’d already been thinking of buying a relaxing hotel break for yourself? Inspired.

Interest in other people’s exercise regimes

Meryl Streep has never pretended to look fascinated as someone drones on about their 5K personal best. That’s because it’s beyond her abilities as an actor. You made it look effortless though when you nodded through your colleague’s tedious explanation while thinking about Terminator 2. Have you ever thought about getting an agent? Your talents are going to waste in the office.

Happy to stay friends

When you were in a relationship you gave a convincing portrayal of somebody who wasn’t boring. Once your ex saw through your charade and binned you off though, you gave an even better performance as ‘man happy to stay friends’. It’s hard for actors to cry on cue, but it’s even more difficult to hold back tears when you’re heartbroken like you did. Bravo.

Fascinated by friend’s young children

Parents are allowed to find their kids irritating or tedious, but other people are expected to be enthralled when they throw food on the floor. You went full method actor by feigning interest in a child’s crap finger painting when they weren’t even in the room. Either you’re this generation’s Marlon Brando or you have no artistic taste.

Pretending to be fine

The toughest of all acting roles. It would’ve been so easy to slip out of character when your friend asked how you are, but nobody wants to hear a Brechtian monologue of despair and alienation. Smiling and saying you’re fine is your career-defining part, but now you’ve been typecast into doing it every day until you die.

PARENTS demand presents but want nothing. Your attempt to treat them to something different will be resented and reviled:

His driving experience

He was an avid Top Gear watcher and you’ve put up with years of him claiming Lando Norris is shit, so he should love this. Until discovering he now hates modern cars for not being diesel, thinks anything two-seater is for ‘show-offs’ and when he hits the tarmac drives like he’s manoeuvring a Ford Fiesta around Aldi car park.

Their tasting menu

When food isn’t labelled with Prince’s or Hellmann’s it’s already wrong. And this becomes an attempt to poison them when espuma sits on a page that reads like a GP pamphlet. Every fresh course is not gastronomic genius but a fresh humiliation for you, apparently proving the foul local chippie has been unbeatable since 1976.

Her night at the opera

Mum’s bragged about wearing her gladrags and going for a classy night out to all the girls at aquaerobics, but didn’t fully understand it would mean three hours of fantastical nonsense being shouted at her in German singspeil. She sits in complete silence throughout and will never mention it again.

Their murder mystery evening

The perfect gift for a dad who still does Morse impressions and a mum who treats Richard Osman as a religion. But for all the murder night’s pomp, because it isn’t real they’ll say there was too much try-hard over-acting and they thought the other man did it. Other relatives are briefed at length to ‘get us anything except that bloody murder’.

His clay pigeon shooting day

Dad loves war in all its forms, which is why there’s a framed painting of a Spitfire in the lounge and he corrects strangers about the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact. Does that translate to him enjoying a day shooting a gun? It does not. Apparently, you learn later from your sister, it was ‘nothing but bang bang bang. Space Invaders for idiots’.

Their hotel getaway

Luxury, staff, duck-down pillows and a complimentary high tea. Except first they moan about getting there because it’s miles from a motorway, then they feel the staff are looking down on them, then there aren’t any sandwiches they like, then they ‘couldn’t sleep’ because ‘someone had been in our room’, then they steal the slippers.

ALRIGHT, you’re not that fascinating, but your company is less predictable than the 10,000th hour of Tank Wars. Get that phone down with these techniques: 

Make a polite enquiry

Interrupt his Block Blast! flow by passive-aggressively asking questions about his day, the weather, if what he’s doing is important or a waste of a life. Place the correct stress emphasis to help him understand that although these might seem like polite enquiries, they are in fact strict instructions to stop what the f**k he’s doing and pay you attention.

Give practical support

If your partner is on Disney Dreamlight Valley, move over and begin suggesting alternative strategies and admonishing silly mistakes. She’ll be delighted by your presence and grateful for your help. If she continues to make errors, ask her to give you the phone so you can show her how to do it properly.

Create a distraction

Interrupt Wordle with texts asking if it’s okay to substitute yoghurt for fabric softener, or calling a friend to say ‘Yeah the medical results are through. Yeah positive. Yeah I can’t really talk right now.’ In extreme cases, call the police and claim she’s holding you hostage. It’s emotionally true.

Hack his phone with AI

Apparently rogue AI are swarming all over the internet looking for hacking targets, so recruit one and set it on your husband’s phone. Suddenly his game of Alto’s Adventure is interrupted with achievements like ’10,000 hours you’ll never get back played!’ and ‘Congratulations! Your wife hates you!’

Offer sex

Come on to him, which happens so infrequently it’s up there with solar eclipses, and lure him away from the tense, equally matched game of Fibbage. If he’s ignoring actual real-life boobs for an online opponent and a screen, then cut off his cock. It will be a mercy.

Threaten to leave

When a high score is imminent on PUBG Mobile, it has to be stopped. He can’t be allowed that dopamine. Wheel in a suitcase and calmly tell him it’s the game or you. Expect him to choose the game, then change the wifi password from the car outside and wait for the anguished screams as a place on the leaderboard is denied him. Drive away without regret.

IS your holiday is a gruelling test of your love for your partner? Here are some behaviours you wish they’d saved for when you’re not in their company 24/7 after spending a fortune.

Sulking

Sulking is childish and annoying at the best of times, but worse if it’s over some trivial holiday thing like not wanting to buy a hideous souvenir donkey. If the relationship isn’t too serious you may even feel they’re a pain the arse you should split up with. Although you won’t be telling them immediately, because it’s nice to have someone to eat sardines with and shag on holiday.

Total lack of basic planning skills

It’s clearly hot, so did they bring a bottle of water? No. Let’s go back to that shop you pointed out earlier which sold it. They didn’t bring sunscreen either? Well, it’s the last thing you’d think of when going to the beach. Their sunglasses are back at the hotel, so can they borrow yours? Of course, my sweet… and so the irritation builds until you’re scared to go up that historic tower in case you push them off it.

Unadventurous eating

It’s rare that food on holiday is wildly exotic – you’re hardly likely to be served a whole fried monkey in the Algarve. The problem arises when your partner hates food not totally sanitised like in Sainsbury’s, and is horrified and disgusted by a fish having a head. Don’t worry, you’ll speak to the waiter and get them to turn it into oblongs in breadcrumbs.

Pointless money-saving

On holiday you’ve got to accept a fair bit of unplanned expenditure in the name of spontaneity and having a good time. However your partner may feel a holiday you’ve already spent thousands on is a good time to economise on minor costs. And who doesn’t love debating at length whether your should purchase each individual ice cream?

Worthy interests

It’s traditional on holiday to do worthy things you don’t do at home like visiting a cathedral. That’s probably why they’ve all got gargoyles – to alleviate the boredom. However there’s a limit, and you really don’t want your partner to suddenly discover a deep interest in wine production or local history. If they’re that interested in the Moorish conquest of the Iberian Peninsula they should have gone on holiday with David Starkey.

Personal habits

Snorting, making a clicking sound with your tongue, picking your nose and other such habits are tolerable occasionally. However on holiday you’re with your beloved constantly so those little irritations are magnified to the size of Jupiter. Has a boyfriend ever been beaten to death with an espadrille because he kept sniffing? It’s likely. The Spanish courts probably don’t even consider it an offence.