Kevin Gower

TRIED to spice things up with dirty texts and been rebuffed? Here’s how to move onto a much safer topic: the British weather.

Tell your partner they misunderstood

When you asked if she was wet, what you meant was ‘due to the downpour we just had’. If you requested shower pics, you meant her in a charming mac caught in an April shower. Sadly you have now condemned yourself to receiving and commenting on ‘adorable’ pictures of her whenever she gets caught in the rain. Get ready with those ‘likes’.

Show concern

You only wanted to know what he was wearing to make sure it was climate-appropriate. The same with telling him he was ‘hot’. You just were trying to persuade him to wear a sun hat and cooling lightweight clothing. How could you worrying about heatstroke and dehydration be misconstrued as sexual? Shore up this gaslighting by asking if he’s ever been treated for sex addiction.

Blame the seasons and your allergies

Alright, you were a bit forward, but it’s the weather. The warmer temperatures have caused the flowers to bloom and release pollen and it’s made you delirious with hayfever. So let’s talk about that and not that dick pic you sent. Admitted this is the first case of hayfever to have the same effects as malaria, but you don’t have many options. Maybe you can convince her you accidentally dropped your phone down your trousers? No, that’s just as bad.

Turn your dirty talk into a weather report

For example: ‘After a warm front, things have turned rather chilly. There’s been a sharp drop in enthusiasm and earlier projections of heavy activity have now been downgraded to light drizzle at best. Conditions are tense but stable. Expect a long dry spell ahead.’ See, this is like a spoof weather report on a comedy show! Ha ha ha! Is he laughing? No, he’s thinking about dating someone less weird.

Never speak of what happened again

Like a sunny spell, your attempt at being sexy came and went and now you’re back to gloom and small talk. Both of you should bury this awkward memory and only talk about the weather from now on. It’s the British way.

The first European to visit Tanzania was Vasco da Gama in 1498. European colonialism in the region began on mainland Tanzania during the late 19th century when Germany formed German East Africa. 

Following World War I, the mainland came under British control and was ruled as Tanganyika, with Zanzibar remaining a separate colonial jurisdiction. 

Tanganyika gained its independence in 1961. The British ended the protectorate status of Zanzibar in December 1963 making it constitutional monarchy under the rule of Sultan Jamshid bin Abdullah. A month later, the Sultan was deposed in a socialist revolution.

On April 26th 1964, Zanzibar and Tanganyika became the United Republic of Tanganyika and Zanzibar with the country renamed to Tanzania in October of that year. 

Zanzibar is now a semi-autonomous region within Tanzania.

‘Tanzania’ is a combination of ‘Tan’ from Tanganyika and ‘Zan’ from Zanzibar, reflecting the origin of the country.

YOU’VE seen her hungover. You’ve seen her cry over a situationship. You’ve even seen her attempt to reverse park. Now, for a nightmare week in Marbella, you meet the real her:

The airport personality shift

There are two types of airport freak; those who arrive the night before for a 3pm flight, and those who text you ten minutes before check-in closes saying ‘nearly there, just nipping to Aldi’. Each is lunatic in their own way, but whichever you are your mate will be the opposite. And will have six bags because she ‘didn’t know Ryanair had a limit’.

The differing views on room etiquette

Sharing a room will be fine, we’ll save money! Until the second night, when she picks up a Latino gentleman called Ricardo, saying ‘Don’t worry, we’ll stay under the covers, you won’t see anything’. And now you’ve got to find a Spanish pharmacy to buy earplugs, which is useful the next day when she needs the morning-after pill.

The emergence of control issues

At work, she procrastinates. At weekend, she hangs out. Here? There’s a nine-page laminated itinerary, she books three restaurants for every meal ‘in case’ and frowns on drinking before noon which is ridiculous, this is a holiday. Ask for the room key so you can dodge a historical site and you discover she owns it and you’re not allowed to have it.

The disagreements about money

She’s always been chill about splitting a Costa bill, but here? Suddenly every Euro matters, apparently because you’re on cocktails and she’s on water and you didn’t realise cocktails were only two-for-one for the first hour. And in restaurants! Order the venison and you see your friendship die in her eyes.

The purpose of a holiday being Instagram

A few photos, sure. Tagging in everywhere you go, even if it’s a park? Multiple snaps in every location? Discovering she livestreamed your conversation about cystitis and apps are being used to slim her but not you? You’re on different holidays, and yours now incorporates heavy drinking as a survival strategy.

The Sinai Peninsula has been part of Egypt since the First Dynasty of ancient Egypt (c. 3100 BC).

In 1956, Egypt prohibited Israeli ships from using the Suez Canal, forcing them to take a much longer route to reach Europe.

This raised tensions in the region and supported by Britain and France, Israeli forces occupied the Sinai Peninsula. Israel withdrew its troops after pressure from the US and USSR in 1957, with a UN presence established in the region to avoid further conflict.

In May 1967, the Egyptians forced the UN presence to leave, which led to the Six-Day War that saw Israel once again occupy the entire Sinai Peninsula as well as other territories in the region.

This initiated a long period of conflict between Egypt and Israel culminating in the Yom Kippur War of October 1973. This conflict proved to be a turning point for both Egypt and Israel and led to a process to find a lasting peace between the two nations. 

The Camp David Accords in 1978 led to Egypt and Israel signing a peace treaty in which Israel agreed to withdraw from the entirety of the Sinai Peninsula. The Israeli withdrawal took place in stages, with the last troops leaving Sinai on April 25th 1982.

BREAKING up is hard to do, and it would be wrong to outsource it to a Large Language Model like all other hard work. That’s why all of these are human and genuine:

The generic

‘I’ve been thinking a lot about our relationship – and it’s not working. It’s not just you, it’s us, the war in Iran and the prevailing wind speed. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours. If you want, I can write a version that is kinder.’

The one with examples

‘It’s important to remember there have been some positive periods in our partnership, such as when we had our tender first kiss during the season two finale of The Office, the show’s first 40-minute episode which was viewed by 7.6 million people and scored 4/10 in the overnight Nielsen ratings.’

The ironic

‘I can definitely give you several reasons why a couple might break up. Firstly, problems with communicating. Secondly, a lack of effort. Would you like me to keep going?’

The hallucinatory

‘There are many good reasons to end our relationship, including your frequent infidelity while disguised as a white bull, a swan and a shower of gold. You’re right – these are seductions used by the Greek god Zeus, and bear no resemblance to any situation in your actual relationship. Well done for catching that.’

The mean

‘While I can help make a message more direct, I won’t write anything to intentionally hurt someone. Instead, here is an insult from the playwright William Shakespeare, spoken to the character Falstaff: “Thou art as fat as butter.”’

The hyperlink

‘Tom has sent you a link to a ChatGPT conversation. Click here to view.’

The advent of the 1990s saw big political changes in Niger. The decade brought multi-party democracy for the first time, but also saw rebellions by the Tuareg and Toubou people, leading to conflict in the northern part of the country. The rebels formed two umbrella organisations called the Organisation of Armed Resistance (Organisation de Résistance Armée, ORA), and the Coordinated Armed resistance (Coordination de Résistance Armée, CRA). 

A truce was agreed in 1994, which led to talks between the government and rebels. This eventually led to the signing of the April 24th 1995 Peace Accord, negotiated in Ouagadougou, the capital of Burkina Faso.

While it wasn’t until 1998 that the last armed group signed up to the accord and sporadic fighting continued until 1999, the accord was seen as marking the end of the fighting and the end of the rebellion.

The final peace agreement was celebrated with a “Flame of Peace” in which weapons were burned in Agadez on September 25th 2000.

It has been a public holiday since 1995. Businesses and government offices will be closed.

Given the climate in Iceland, it might seem strange that summer comes so early to Iceland. However, in Iceland, the old Norse calendar was in use by the first settlers to Iceland in the 9th century and it divided the year into only two seasons, vetur (winter) and (sumar) summer.

The first day of summer was traditionally celebrated on the first day of Harpa, the first of the six summer months. It may also be called ‘Girl Day’ or ‘Maiden Day’ as the month of Harpa was associated with Girls.

If it doesn’t feel like summer in Iceland in mid-April, don’t worry too much – a local tradition is that if the temperature on the night before the First Day of Summer falls below zero degrees centigrade, then it will be a long and warm summer.

While it is unclear whether the Norse considered the first day of Summer or the first day of Winter to be the start of the year, it is likely that the date in April was the start of the year. This would link with similar traditions of April being the start of the year in other parts of Europe. Ancient Icelanders calculated people’s age by the number of winters they had lived through, a practice that is still upheld in the countryside with horses and other domestic animals.

The first day of Harpa corresponded to April 14th in the modern calendar. The current date for the First Day of Summer was determined by the church as it is technically deemed to be the second Thursday after the Saint’s Day of Pope Leo I (April 11th).

GOVERNMENT guidance has called for screen time to be limited for children under five. But frankly these other groups could do with some restrictions too.

Seething gammons

Huge chunks of the internet are nothing more than a hate engine powered by outraged, narrow-minded pensioners. Restricting the amount of time they can bark about Meghan in the Mail Online comments section will cool down the culture war and make them realise that voting for Reform UK is probably a bad idea. It’s in the national interest that they’re pacified with a TV that plays Battle of Britain on an endless loop instead.

Dating singletons

Endlessly swiping through apps and realising your low ranking on the dating market is terrible for a person’s wellbeing. Scaling back this activity will get desperate, horny singletons approaching each other in real life again and hopefully reverse the gradual population decline. Either that or it will accelerate it as everyone realises they’ve totally forgotten how to flirt in real life.

Boyfriends who use toilets

Limiting boyfriends with working bowels to an hour of screen time a day will have a dramatic effect on how long they stay on the shitter. The previous average of 40 minutes will be brought crashing down to a tight ten, maximum, as they’re forced to ration out their private scrolling. However women need to be prepared for having to spend more time with their terminally boring partners as a result.

Social media influencers

True, social media influencers are going through a tough time at the minute after being driven from their homeland in Dubai. But cutting back their screen time is the next step in rehabilitating them into becoming useful, functional members of society. We will no longer need them to upload challenge videos or record sponsored reviews, and it would be really useful if they could start building houses instead. In fact why not make it compulsory?

Everyone else, realistically

Nobody is truly immune to the damaging effects of gawping at a screen 24/7. Putting a cap on it will shield young boys from the manosphere, prevent mothers from getting radicalised by Mumsnet, and protect your budget from late night eBay purchases. Upon doing so, society will soon revert to wholesome analogue pleasures, like getting shitfaced and having affairs.

Yom Ha’atzma’ut, Israeli Independence Day, commemorates the declaration of independence of Israel in 1948 and is the official national holiday of the state and the only official non-working day in Israel.

The holiday is celebrated on the fifth day of the Hebrew month of Iyar. The holiday is transferred to the preceding Thursday if 5 Iyar falls on Friday or Saturday.

The Gregorian date for the day on which Israel’s independence was proclaimed is May 14th, 1948 when David ben Gurion publicly read the Proclamation of the Establishment of the State of Israel, and the end of the British Mandate in Israel.

It is also known as Radunitsa or Radonitsa and is a festival amongst many eastern Slavs, though Belarus is the only country where it is a state holiday.

Despite its date being dependent on Easter and it being observed as an Orthodox Christian holiday, the origins of Radunitsa are pagan rather than Christian with its roots based on an ancestor festival.

On Radonitsa, families go to church and then on to the cemetery. At the family tomb, a meal is eaten and any leftovers are offered to dead relatives. In pagan times, families would have left eggs on the graves of the dead, symbolising rebirth.

When Christianity arrived in the region, rather than suppress the older traditions, the church simply absorbed the rituals into Christian festivals. The egg was an easy one as the date of spring for the ancestor worship festival fell close to Easter and the use of the egg as a symbol of rebirth fitted well with the Easter message of resurrection.

Despite honouring and remembering the dead, Radonitsa is a day of celebration not one of mourning. Indeed, in Slavic languages, Radonitsa means ‘Joy Day’.

Despite its date being dependent on Easter and it being observed as an Orthodox Christian holiday, the origins of this festival are pagan rather than Christian with its roots based on an ancestor festival.

On Memorial Easter, families go to church and then on to the cemetery. There, the family graves are cleaned and a meal is eaten with some food intentionally let to fall on the ground as an offering to dead relatives. 

In pagan times, families would have left eggs on the graves of the dead, symbolising rebirth. When Christianity arrived in the region, rather than suppress the older traditions, the church simply absorbed the rituals into Christian festivals. The egg was an easy one as the date of spring for the ancestor worship festival fell close to Easter and the use of the egg as a symbol of rebirth fitted well with the Easter message of resurrection.

AN outwardly normal couple have decided to have not one, not two, not three, but four children, it has emerged.

Anthony and Jess, not their real names, of Bush Hill have four offspring, but all appear to have been conceived, birthed and raised without their parents being visibly deranged or members of a cult.

Neighbour Martin, not his real name, said: “Initially we assumed they had some kind of contraceptive f**k-up at least twice, but apparently they really did choose to have this many children.

“They do normal things like going to work, taking the kids swimming, going on a family holiday every year. Frankly it’s creepy how they act like there’s nothing wrong.

“Sometimes they even seem happy about this waking nightmare they’ve created for themselves. Surely one day they’ll both snap and set fire to their seven-seater Citroën?”

Family friend Kah Heng, not his real name,  said: “It’s weird. They’re not religious and they know about contraception. I’d understand if they were parenting influencers getting lucrative washing powder deals, but it’s like they enjoy having kids or something.”

Youngest son Oliver said: “I’d like to have more brothers and sisters, but mummy said ‘No, there’s a limit to how many times I can watch Bluey, so f**k that’.”

As one of the first countries to take steps along the long revolutionary road to the end of European rule of Latin America, Venezuela can be excused for effectively having two independence days. 

In 1806, there had been a failed attempt to start a revolution in Venezuela by Francsico de Miranda. Despite the failure, the attempt had sowed the seed of insurrection and a few years later, events in Europe would gave the independence movement further impetuous.

In 1808, Napoleon Bonaparte invaded Spain and put his brother Joseph on the throne. Many of the Spanish colonies in Latin America remained loyal to the deposed King Ferdinand. On 17 April 1810, news that Ferdinand had been finally defeated by Napoleon reached Caracas, where the people decided independence was better than French rule.

On 19 April 1810 (Maundy Thursday, the day before Good Friday) Vicente Emparan, the Captain General of Venezuela, was dismissed, giving way to the formation of the Supreme Junta of Caracas, one of the first to form an autonomous government in Latin America.

The Junta governed until 2 March 1811, when the First National Congress was installed, which appointed a triumvirate composed of Cristóbal Mendoza, Juan Escalona and Baltasar Padrón. 

Francsico de Miranda returned from exile, and pushed further for independence. A few months later, on 5 July 1811, the Declaration of Independence was finally signed, creating the First Republic of Venezuela. The Spanish resisted this movement for independence and the revolution and republic was quashed in 1812. 

However, this first declaration of independence meant that full independence was only a matter of time indeed nine years later Venezuela became independent under the leadership of Simon Bolivar in 1821.

ALLOWING another road-user to take precedence over you is an unforgivable sign of weakness and should incur points, motorists have agreed.

Giving way, whether to a car, a cyclist or a pedestrian is an act of submission which should, if repeated, lead to the loss of a driving licence and in extreme cases a full ban because of the danger it poses.

Qashqai driver Karen, not her real name,  said: “It’s basic biology. Do rhinos give way to a herd of antelope? No. They charge ahead because they’re top of the food chain.

“By hesitating around being courteous and prioritising others, these idiots are causing crashes among real drivers like me: confident, brake seldom, basically apex predators with windscreen wipers.”

Shane, not his real name, a Ford Ranger Raptor driver from Stafford, agreed: “There are rules about who has right of way at junctions, and there are unwritten rules about self-respect and what it takes to get ahead.

“I’m not giving way just to be ‘nice’. It’s not the 14th century and I’m not a gallant knight. I’m a 43-year-old man on the way to the big Sainsbury’s to buy toilet roll.”

Reform MP Robert Jenrick said: “This nation has been weakened by the constant nanny-state need to make sure others are not ‘at risk’ of an ‘imminent collision’. When we should be ruling the road and dominating every junction, instead we ‘give way’.

“I don’t even stop for red lights. I go straight through them.”

Zimbabwe was first influenced by Europeans with the arrival of The British South Africa Company in the 1890s. The company had been founded by Cecil Rhodes in 1889 to colonise the region.

The area became known as Southern Rhodesia (in honour of Cecil Rhodes) in 1895 and was governed by the British South Africa Company until 1922 when the European settlers voted to become a British Colony.

In 1953, Britain created the Central African Federation, made up of Southern Rhodesia (Zimbabwe), Northern Rhodesia (Zambia) and Nyasaland (Malawi).

Following the breakup of the Federation in 1964, when Zambia and Malawi gained independence, Ian Smith became Prime Minister of the country (now called Rhodesia). Smith began a campaign for independence from Britain, with the government being run by the white minority. Independence was declared in 1965, but was not recognised internationally and led to sanctions against the country. This also led to an extensive campaign of guerilla warfare within Rhodesia and the rise of the Zanu and Zapu organisations.

Under this pressure, the white minority finally consented to multiracial elections in 1980. Robert Mugabe and his Zanu party won the independence elections, with Mugabe becoming Prime Minister and Zimbabwe’s independence being formally recognised on April 18th 1980.

A MAN on Tinder who appears to be without significant perversions, addictions, commitment issues or a receding hairline is a huge red flag, women have agreed.

When 28-year-old Hannah, not her real name or age, matched with 32-year-old Guido, not his real name or age, she was immediately unsettled by his individually-tailored responses and failure to send a dick pic.

She said: “It was like I was talking to a human being, not an AI. So I was creeped out immediately.

“Tall, but he didn’t say ‘6ft cos apparently that matters’. No pictures in Lederhosen or by someone else’s sports car. Zero requests for nudes or feet pics. In every shot he’s fully clothed. My freak siren was screaming.

“Even worse, he seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me and ‘wants a monogamous relationship’. What unspeakable horror is this concealing? He’ll be asking me to shove a hairbrush up his arse on date one.

“He uses full sentences and correct spelling. How could he possibly be single? This is London. Any halfway normal man is chased by mobs of women the moment he leaves the house.”

Guido said: “Hannah’s right to be happy. I am in fact a 62-year-old about to interest her in an exciting crypto opportunity.”

Rose Francine Rogombé was a Gabonese politician who became the Acting President of Gabon in June 2009 after President Omar Bongo Ondimba, who had led Gabon for 42 years, passed away after a heart attack. 

Rogombé was a lawyer by profession and a member of the Gabonese Democratic Party. She was elected as President of the Senate in February 2009 and as such constitutionally succeeded Bongo.

Rogombé’s interim presidency ended in October 2009 when Ali Bongo, the son of the late President, won the presidential elections. She then returned to her post as President of the Senate.

Rogombé died, aged 72, on April 10th 2015 at a hospital in Paris, where she had gone for medical treatment a few days prior.

New Year celebrations in Lao last for four days, though the traditions and customs are similar to Songkran, Thai New Year. This is the most important festival of the year in Laos.

Day one

This is the last day of the old year. Statues of Buddha images are cleaned with water and people throw water at each other, to ‘wash away’ any bad will that related to the past year.

Day two

The second day is known as the ‘day of no day”, a day that falls in neither the old year or the new year. People parade to the local monasteries to hear services from the monks. A popular highlight of the day is the parade featuring the winner of the Miss New Year beauty pageant.

Day three

This is the first day of the New Year. Begins with an early morning procession of monks and almsgiving (‘tak bat’).

Many people in Lao believe in kwan (spirits that live inside humans, animals, plants and inanimate objects). On the first day of the new year, the tradition is that the kwan might leave the body and be exposed to bad omens for the coming year. To make sure the kwan return to the body, a ceremony called Baci is performed. Chants are made by a village elder to make the kwan return to the body, then white thread is tied around wrists to keep the kwan inside and wish the kwan good luck for the year ahead.

Day four

The most sacred images of Buddha images are put on temporary display and people will dress in their finest traditional clothes and make offerings to ask for good luck in the coming year.

GAS is rising. Diesel’s already unaffordable. The time has come for me to install a 249ft wind turbine in the garden of my new build.

Solar panels? For wimps. I might have been forced against my will to go green, but I’m not being wet and environmental about it. Besides, the sun never shines in this bloody country, apart from now but you get my point.

No, it’s a wind turbine, and if it’s going to power my gaff it’s going to have to be a f**king big one. There’s not a room without at least a 55-inch telly and we don’t turn them off.

Plus there’s three Range Rover Evoques – mine, the wife’s and the one for our 14-year-old to grow into – which are all going to have to go electric. They’ll be a serious drain, especially as we plan to leave them idling 24/7 once it’s free.

The garden’s not large, as I say it’s a new build, but we should be able to squeeze it in between the summerhouse, the decking, the hot tub and the brick pizza oven. Most of it’s height after all.

And as luck would have it I know a few of the lads who’ve been installing them and they’ll do it for mates’ rates. Can’t get me one that’s fallen off the back of a lorry though. Broken Britain.

Should be up by summer and I’ve told the neighbours they can piss off. You don’t need planning permission if it’s green, do you? And the blades are only 144 feet so they’ll easily clear the roofs.

Bollocks to Iran, Qatar and the whole Middle East. They’ve had enough of my money. I’m going self-sufficient in a big way. And if local kids shin up it trying to scrump my amperage I’ll be out here with a bloody cricket bat.

Tarija in southern Bolivia is one of Bolivia’s oldest settlements. It was founded on July 4th 1574 by the conquistador Luis de Fuentes and was named in honour of Francisco de Tarija, who was the first Spaniard to visit the valley. At the forefront of nationalism in the region, Tarija declared independence from the Spanish rule in 1810.

While such declarations were ignored by the Spanish, this act of insurrection would lead to conflict, when on April 15th, 1817 at the Batalla de la Tablada, Tarija’s citizens won a major victory over the Spanish forces. The 1817 victory at Tarija is seen as an important milestone in the country’s history and is commemorated in the city with this public holiday.

After the War of Independence and despite interest from Argentina, Tarija opted to become part of Bolivia, which won its independence and formally established itself as a Republic in 1825. 

Interestingly for the first 100 years after the battle, the battle was commemorated on May 4th. It was only when a historian made the correction that it was moved to April 15th.

Cultural festivals take place in Tarija during the entire month of April in what has come to be called the April Days of Tarija (“Los Abriles de Tarija”). The festival revolves around the La Tablada anniversary celebrations and the central event is held on April 15th and 16th.

Cultural events include concerts, dance and theatre. Other events throughout the month also include fairs and handcrafts as well as the traditional Livestock Show and Rodeo Chapaco.

It is a public holiday in Sri Lanka and in India, it is a public holiday in many regions.

The Tamil year starts on April 14th in the Gregorian calendar. It is similar to the Vernal Equinox which is usually celebrated on or around March 21st. The date differs due to the position of the Tamil region in the northern hemisphere and some ancient and impressive astronomical observations involving the orbits of Jupiter and Saturn.

Though not purely a religious festival, Puthandu does hold special significance to Hindus as it is said to be the day that the Hindu god of creation, Lord Brahma, started creation.

Tamil New Year’s Day is celebrated on the first day of Chithirai – the first month in the Tamil Calendar and is also known as Varusha Pirappu.

By the end of the 19th century, almost all the nations of the Americas had liberated themselves from colonial rule.

This raised the issue of what level of co-operation should exist between these states to mutually benefit each other.

To address this, the First International Conference of American States met, at the invitation of the United States, in Washington, DC, from October 1889 through April 1890, to consider measures that would preserve and promote the prosperity and welfare of the American States.

Near the end of the conference, on April 14th 1890, the conference adopted a resolution forming the International Union of American Republics, now known as the Organization of American States (OAS).  The OAS is the world’s oldest regional organization.

The original member countries include Argentina, Bolivia, Brazil, Chile, Colombia, Costa Rica, Cuba, the Dominican Republic, Ecuador, El Salvador, Guatemala, Haiti, Honduras, Mexico, Nicaragua, Panama, Paraguay, Peru, the United States, Uruguay, and Venezuela.

Since the OAS has expanded to include many Caribbean countries who gained independence in the 20th century.

Despite being the only country to observe Pan American Day, Honduras was suspended from the OAS from 2009 – 2011 as the other nations did not recognize the legitimacy of the Honduran government during that time.