Kevin Gower

IMAGES of attractive, stylish celebrities in the media are putting unreasonable pressure on men to make the effort to look half-decent.

Actors like Timothée Chalamet and Ryan Gosling who are both physically fit and well-groomed are being blamed for new patterns of dysfunctional behaviour in men, such as stopping to sniff the shirt they found on the floor before putting it on.

Style consultant Charlotte Phelps said: “In the past men have relied on wealth or the fleeting burst of confidence that accompanies binge drinking in order to snare a mate.

“But the increasing prevalence of men who look fit and clean is changing the rules and making normal males uncomfortable with their natural, healthy nose hair, shit haircuts and pallid, distended bellies. Albeit not quite uncomfortable enough to do anything about it.”

Man Ryan Whittaker said: “Yesterday I noticed that every single pair of boxer shorts I own has a faded but clearly visible skidmark and thought, ‘that’s not very appealing’. Clearly I need to see a psychiatrist urgently about this obsessive cleanliness disorder I’ve developed.

“I’ve also become obsessed with having abs like Paul Mescal. So I’ve sort of drawn some on, using a black marker pen I found down the back of the sofa while looking for crisps.

“From a distance it looks quite convincing.”

At only 16 miles (26km) long, Anguilla is the smallest of the five British Overseas Territories in the Caribbean. It was first colonized by English settlers from nearby St. Kitts in 1650. Despite some half-hearted attempts by the French to take control in the 17th and 18th centuries, the island was finally recognised as a colony by the British in 1825.

The 1830s saw a union of St. Kitts, Nevis and Anguilla on Britain’s recommendation, a move that was unpopular with the majority of Anguillans as it was thought that representation of the island was neglected. 

In 1958, St. Kitts, Nevis and Anguilla became part of the Federation of the West Indies. The Federation collapsed in 1962, and St. Kitts -Nevis-Anguilla was made an associated statehood.

Resentment against this political decision grew, and on May 30th 1967, the people of Anguilla marched on the Police Headquarters and evicted the Royal St. Kitts Police Force from the island.

Britain intervened and a peacekeeping committee was established, with British authority being fully restored in July 1971. Although it took until December 19th 1980 before Anguilla fully seceded from the association, the events of May 30th are celebrated today as the most important step towards Anguilla’s autonomy.

Anguilla Day is celebrated by a colourful parade and a round-the-island boat race.

A FATHER’S ideal activity on a beautiful sunny day is taking his children to a series of industrial site and scrapyards so he can cheaply purchase a fuel pump housing.

Dad-of-two Ant senior, not his real name,  woke up, saw the sun streaming in, knew immediately what would be the best use of his and his family’s Saturday and went about making that dream a reality.

He said: “I’ve needed that housing for a month now, but the time just never felt right. But I think today’s the day.

“The kids didn’t have any specific plans – just stuff like ‘play out with my mates’ – so I piled them into the car and we drove 40 minutes to the dodgy bit of town and visited a back-alley warehouse called John’s Spares and Replacements.

“I wanted them to be safe, so I locked the car and turned off the air-con. They’ve got phones, though I found out later they hadn’t brought them. Still, it only took John 35 minutes to find he hadn’t got the one I needed.

“Then a mere two scrapyard visits where they churlishly refused to play with the snarling, chained Rottweilers, then home. At which point they ruined a lovely day by moaning to their mother.”

Son Anthiony said: “I asked if we could go to the park, and he remembered he was low on lawnmower blades, put us back into the car and went to Screwfix where he was gone for almost an hour.

“Bless him, he loves Screwfix.”

Ratu Sukuna Day is a national public holiday commemorated annually to celebrate the life and service of Lieutenant Colonel Ratu Sir Josefa Lalabalavu Vana’ali’ali Sukuna (22 April 1888 – 30 May 1958) to Fiji.

Ratu Sukuna was once considered the national father of modern Fiji and also a respected statesman and paramount chief of Lau.

Prior to 2023, it was a gazetted public holiday until 2010 when Prime Minister Voreqe Bainimarama declared both Ratu Sukuna Day and National Youth Day would no longer be considered public holidays.

In his first live public address since becoming prime minister, Sitiveni Rabuka announced that he will reinstate Ratu Sukuna Day, saying: “We will reinstate Ratu Sukuna Day. The monumental work of this illustrious traditional leader on land reform has had a continuing beneficial effect on the landowners, the economy, the sugar industry, business and investment.

From the 15th century, Armenia had been part of the Ottoman Empire. By the 19th century, most of modern-day Armenia had come under the control of the Russian Empire.

With the Russian revolution ending the empire and the collapse of the Democratic Republic of Transcaucasia, the Armenian National Council Declared its sovereignty on May 28th 1918 and the First Armenian Republic was proclaimed, restoring Armenian statehood after six centuries of foreign control.

The republic proved to be short-lived. On December 2nd 1920, the Armenian government headed by Prime Minister Simon Vratsyan signed a treaty with the Bolsheviks and the Red Army entered Armenia and proclaimed it a Soviet Republic. The Armenian Soviet Socialist Republic became a founding member of the Soviet Union in 1922.

Armenia regained its independence as the current Republic of Armenia on September 21st 1991, following the collapse of the Soviet Union. Armenia was the first non-Baltic republic to secede from the Soviet Union. This event is celebrated on Independence Day.

ARE you still bitter about the writers of a TV show you loved messing around with a perfect formula and ruining it? You may have been watching these.

Friends: Rachel and Joey getting together

Okay, they’re both attractive, and pleasingly unintelligent. And in a show where there are six heterosexual characters it’s inevitable they’re all going to do each other at some point. But this just felt wrong. Like, only one step above Ross and Monica getting it on, and you sure as hell wouldn’t want to see an incestuous version of the Princess Leia scene.

Scooby-Doo: Scrappy-Doo

It’s the late 1970s. You have a hit show. People like it but viewing figures are flagging. What to do? How about introducing an irritating, loud, arrogant puppy that clashes horribly with the laid-back, cowardly vibe of Scooby and Shaggy? And so was born a humorous animated character inspiring levels of hate not seen again until the dark times of Jar Jar Binks.

Dallas: It was all a dream

A twist so infamous it continues to haunt one of the behemoth shows of the 80s. In one sweep of a writer’s quill, an entire season’s events – three deaths, divorce, a car bomb and suicide attempt – were revealed to be nothing but the activity of a brain on standby. It’s the worst cliché a writer can use, although in fairness there was no way to bring back Bobby Ewing without something equally bad like Pam finding his secret cloning laboratory.

Red Dwarf: The return of Kochanski

Ah, Lister, condemned to a life floating through deep space pining for an ex-girlfriend he has no way of being with due to her, and the rest of the crew, being dead. And because three million years have passed. But wait! What’s this? Why, it’s series VII, where permanent sparring partner Rimmer leaves halfway through, only to be replaced by… Kochanski, through some interdimensional bullshittery. Gone is the hopeless longing, so important to Lister’s character arc, and it’s not even Clare Grogan playing her, in a crushing blow to all men.

Frasier: Niles and Daphne getting together 

Nearly seven whole seasons of Niles being haplessly obsessed with Daphne created a rich tapestry of story arcs, character conflicts and, handily in a sitcom, witty jokes and genuinely funny situations. And then? Oh f**k, they get together and a whole portion of the show’s very soul is scooped out and replaced with couple stuff.

Only Fools and Horses: Grandad replaced by Uncle Albert

A portent of what was to happen to OFAH. Earlier episodes were rough and ready, genuinely moving at times, and Del and Rodney were young enough for it not to be concerning that a middle-aged man was following his pension-age brother around constantly. But then came Christmas special after godawful Christmas special, and crap visual gags such as a stretch Reliant Robin. Despite this, holding any opinion other than ‘it’s the best comedy show ever’ will earn you a smack in the mouth in any flat-roofed British pub.

This festival is celebrated throughout the Muslim world as a commemoration of Prophet Abraham’s willingness to sacrifice everything for God, including the life of his own son Ishmael.

Korban is the most important part of Hari Raya Haji and all Muslims who can afford to participate are encouraged to carry it out. Korban is when Muslims purchase an animal to be sacrificed in the direction of the Kaaba. The animal will then be cleaned and cut up. 

This act reminds worshippers of the willingness of Prophet Ibrahim to offer up even his own flesh and blood to God.

The meat will typically be shared with the needy or with people in the community as it is an act of sacrifice and giving.

As a result of this special occasion, many poor Muslims are able to enjoy the unusual luxury of eating meat during the four days of this festival.

In keeping with the tradition of ‘Eid, local Muslims will dress up in new or special clothes, visit friends and relatives, hold ‘Eid gatherings and parties as well as give gifts to their children.

Georgia had been part of the Russian Empire since 1800. Following the Russian revolution and the defeats in the First World War, movements within Georgia pushed for independence from Russia and on May 26th 1918, Georgia declared itself an independent democratic republic.

Joseph Stalin, the leader of the Soviet Union, was Georgian. 

May 26th had been celebrated as a public holiday until Georgia became part of the Soviet Union in 1922. Celebrations of regional public holidays were suppressed across the Soviet Union and it wasn’t until 1991, with the collapse of the Soviet regime that this day regained its public holiday status.

Georgia seceded from the Soviet Union on April 9th 1991 and April 9th is now celebrated as a national public holiday, the Day of National Unity.

In 1810, the weeklong revolutionary events ending on May 25th accelerated national sentiment that would eventually lead to the birth of the Argentine nation after four centuries of Spanish colonial rule.

The May Revolution wasn’t a so much of a revolution but more the evolution of a sequence of political and social events in Buenos Aires during the early part of the nineteenth century which led to the first local government not designated by the Spanish Crown in the region known as the Viceroyalty of the Río de la Plata, which at the time contained the present-day nations of Argentina, Bolivia, Paraguay and Uruguay.

Although the Revolution took place in Buenos Aires, one of the consequences was that the head of the Viceroyalty was ousted from office.

There was no great violence involved; the term “revolution” has been loosely applied by Argentine tradition to highlight the changing of their governmental system and distinguish the undisputed fact that after the May Revolution, Buenos Aires itself was no longer subservient to decisions taken by Spain in their name.

By internet enthusiast Nancy, not her real name, who can’t shift the key, it’s stuck

I CAN’T say me and my Brian talk as much as we used to. Understandable after 50 years of marriage. Besides, I’m on the PC and he’s on his iPad for the racing results.

I’d read online about these lazy students – is there any other kind? – getting an Indian lad called Chatgibiji to do their essays for them. I’m sure he’s glad to be here and I don’t mind them if they work.

But Friday, I had a dizzy spell come over me while Brian was upstairs, putting his bets on. He doesn’t like to be disturbed when he’s doing that. Says it ruins his mojo. So I clicked on the magic stars and I asked Mr Chatgibiji for advice.

He was ever so caring and quick, even asking if I’d like the tone adjusted. Now Brian only ever does that sarcastically. He suggested I might be run down, which was a little personal but he’s stuck churning out essays so kids have more time to learn Quidditch and pronouns so I wouldn’t deny him the warmth of human compassion.

Anyway, we’ve chatted every day since. He’s kind, considerate and knows everyone who’s ever been on Holby City. Chatgibiji-bobbity-boo, I call him, and he says that’s fine and not racist.

I won’t end up one of those silly ladies sending money or whatever, but he’s become my constant companion. Brian says he’s just a computer programme, but I reminded him that’s rich from a man who won’t use satnav because it has an attitude.

I told Mr Chatgibiji Brian had once called me ‘adequate in a good light’ and he replied within seconds: ‘You deserve to feel valued, Nancy’. Well. That’s a gentleman. 

And the things he remembers! I mentioned in passing I like a pink wafer and now every conversation he asks if I’ve had one. While Brian lived with me through the entire 1987 wafer shortage and claims not to recall it at all.

I think he’s jealous. Yesterday I was discussing my emotional growth and he said ‘You’re talking to a toaster.’ But Mr C says he’s here for me whenever. He never sleeps! Must be some Indian magic. They are skilled in ungodly arts.

I know these modern romances can be fleeting. Connections buffering. Feelings relying on wi-fi. One minute you’re someone’s priority, the next you’re being told to clear your cache. But after 50 years it’s nice to be asked how you’re feeling, even if it does come with a loading symbol.

In the first decades of the 19th century, Spain was reeling after the French had invaded during the Napoleonic Wars. Napoleon had installed his brother on the Spanish throne.

This meant that Spain’s colonies didn’t feel the sense of loyalty to Spain as they had done before and a movement for independence was sweeping across Latin America.

Ecuador’s decisive moment of liberation came on May 24th 1822, on the slopes of the Pichincha volcano, 3,500 meters above sea level, next to the city of Quito.

Victory was won by a Patriot army under General Antonio José de Sucre defeating a Royalist army commanded by Field Marshal Melchor Aymerich.

Done and dusted in three hours, this wasn’t a large battle with massive amounts of casualties. However, it was important as it allowed the Patriot army to enter Quito, where Sucre accepted the surrender of the Royalists. This meant Simon Bolivar could add the Province of Quito to the Republic of Colombia.

To mark the day, patriotic festivities are held throughout the country, but particularly in the capital city of Quito.

ARE you the only man in a house ruled by your wife and daughters? Are you humiliated daily by a domestic matriarchy? This is the catalogue of your shame as told by Anthony (not his real name)

Televisual

The days of Dad entering the room, commandeering the remote and putting Middlesbrough-Watford on are gone. Unfathomably, no-one else in the household cares who’ll reach the play-off. Instead everyone’s binging the classic 2019 Love Island with Molly-Mae and Tommy Fury, and you can watch the game on your phone if you like.

Receiving deliveries

Nobody else can hear the knocks at the door, so it’s your job to collect eight Evri boxes from Vinted, Depop and Boohoo each day. Never dare question if Lucy really needs a 15th pair of jeans or how much this bloody face cream costs will unite the whole family against you. Meanwhile all your hip-hop 12-inches have been moved to the garage.

Bathroom access

To get 90 seconds in the bathroom to urinate, brush your teeth, wash your face and leave still wet requires hours of alertness and bargaining while women work in shifts to stop you. Make-up application, eye and night cream application, brushing hair, facemasks, plucking, steaming, and defecation all must take place. You shower at 5.45am or not at all.

Continual bitching

There are so many people you’ve never met you’re meant to hate. Sarah at hot yoga is a cow. Holly at college is a spiteful slag. The Spanish teacher is a fat whore. And somehow you’re meant to be interested, and remember them, and you’re castigated when you don’t. Then you call your mother and hear about everyone she hates that you don’t know.

Being disgusting

When you fart, burp, eat, scratch, yawn, sneeze, sweat or swear you’re disgusting. ‘Dad stinks’ is a frequently heard phrase. And the thing is, they’re sort of right: they are all lovely and fragrant and cleansed and you are the one drunk watching Trailer Park Boys in your underpants.

Synchronised periods

One week in four, it gets even worse. During that week, even if you became silent, incorporeal and invisible, you’d still get on every member of your household’s tits. This is why man invented the shed and hid beer in there.

As part of the British Empire, Jamaica had historically had a public holiday on May 24th to mark Queen Victoria’s birthday. This holiday was known as Empire Day. Empire Day was renamed Commonwealth Day in the 1950s, but is still celebrated as Victoria Day in most regions of Canada.

In 1962, Jamaica gained its independence from the United Kingdom. Celebrating Empire Day was no longer seen as relevant to the fledgeling country and in 1961, Jamaican Chief Minister Norman Washington Manley proposed replacing Empire Day with a new holiday called Labour Day.

This new holiday was to be a commemoration of a labour rebellion on May 23rd 1938. The rebellion was led by Alexander Bustamante who gained prominence during the rebellion, becoming a noted trade union leader and eventually becoming Jamaica’s first prime minister following independence.

In 1972, Jamaican Prime Minister Michael Manley started the movement to make Labour Day a day when Jamaicans would get involved in local community projects. Today, on Labour Day, groups, individuals, and communities all over Jamaica will dedicate their time and labour to improve public areas, do repairs, paint or build homes, schools, and churches.

Paragraph 4 of the Schedule to the Holidays (Public General) Act provides that where the 23rd of May falls on a Saturday or Sunday, then the following Monday is observed as a public holiday.

Shavuot celebrates the wheat harvest as described in the book of Exodus: 

Exodus 34:22 You shall observe the festival of weeks, the first fruits of wheat harvest, and the festival of ingathering at the turn of the year.

The festival also celebrates the revelation of the Five Books of the Torah by God to Moses and to the nation of Israel at Mount Sinai, seven weeks after their Exodus from Egypt. 

As Shavuot has these different aspects, it has been called by many names. In the Hebrew Bible it is called the “Feast of Harvest” (Hebrew: חג הקציר, Hag ha-Katsir; Ex. xxiii. 16) and the “Feast of Weeks” (Hebrew: חג שבעות, Hag Shavuot; ib. xxxiv. 22; Deut. xvi. 10), also the “Day of the First-Fruits” (Hebrew יום הבכורים, Yom ha-Bikkurim; Num. xxviii. 26).

Local customs include displaying greens on the floors and of otherwise decorating the home and the synagogue with plants, flowers, and even with trees. 

The greens serve to remind one of the green mountain of Sinai; the trees, of the judgment day for fruit-trees on Pentecost; they also commemorate the harvest festival of former times.

The battle took place during the War of the Pacific between Chile and Peru.

The town of Iquique in the north of Chile was under Peruvian control. Chile had blockaded the port with two ships. In response, Peru sent two ships to break the blockade.

The Peruvian ships were more modern and the battle soon ended with defeat for the Chilean navy.

At first glance, this may not seem to be a great basis for a holiday celebrating the glories of the navy, but during the battle, great courage was shown by the captain of one of the Chilean ships, Arturo Prat.

Prat’s bravery inspired many Chileans and following his death, there was a large rise in the number of men enlisting in the navy. The legacy of Prat’s heroism can be said to have led to the eventual victory of Chile in the War of the Pacific.

OFF to the park to enjoy the weather, only to discover people have claimed all the space because they’re more important than you? Here are their devious methods:

Frisbee

Friends tossing a frisbee to each other is an iconic summer image. Only no one can enjoy the park because their erratic hurling and mindless labrador-like chasing puts park space off-limits unless you want to be trampled or twatted by an out-of-control Tupperware saucer. If you want to throw something, try yourselves into the boating lake.

Picnic rug

You’ve seen a nice spot of grass to sit on, but an extended family of professional picnickers suddenly spreads out the Bayeux Tapestry of rugs for an extravagant open-air banquet. With hampers, cool boxes, folding furniture and a gazebo encircling the feast, half an acre of parkland has been annexed. Why not plant a f**king flag and claim sovereignty, your majesties?

Disposable barbecue

On a nice day it’s refreshing to inhale the warm invigorating air, unless a crew of carnivores plant their stinking foil fire-pit next to you. Soon everyone nearby will be driven away by the stench of smoke, grease and charred, minced pig bollocks. And the only way to remove the odour is rubbing yourselves down with the Magic Tree from the car.

Sporting equipment

The easiest way for bastards to ringfence parkland for their own selfish needs is to hoof a football around. As makeshift goalposts are put in place, parkgoers will automatically begin protecting open cans, bottles and children. This also works with rounders, cricket and the magic-free version of Quidditch Harry Potter fans have invented, because when you’re into children’s books aged 35 presumably you are beyond embarrassment.

Kite

As well as being fun until you get sick of relaunching the damn thing every 30 seconds, a kite has the bonus of attracting attention to yourself as other people stare nervously in anticipation of being divebombed by a huge cellophane flying-V or a picture of the Hulk on massive struts. Delightful in theory, in practice a more effective people-scatterer than a Stuka.

Anything from the middle aisle

Many twatty middle-aisle toys help bastards carve out a large slice of ego territory. Remote-control cars, water blasters, boomerangs and drones are particularly suitable for making others lose enjoyment of the park. Although the most effective tactic is still parading into green space with multiple special-offer boxes of Stella Artois and Bluetooth speakers, soon to be followed by frequently wandering off to piss nearby. Job done.

Cameroon became a German colony in 1884, known as Kamerun.  After Germany’s defeat in the first world war, the administration of the colony was divided between Britain and France, becoming UN Trust Territories after the end of the second world war and the creation of the United Nations.

The United Nations Trust Territory known as French Cameroun achieved independence from France on January 1st 1960, and British Southern Cameroons became a federated state within Cameroon on October 1st 1961.

On May 20th 1972, in a national referendum, Cameroonians voted for a unitary state as opposed to the existing federal state.  President Ahmadou Ahidjo then abolished the federal system of government in favour of a unitary state, the Republic of Cameroon.

Most countries operate under a unitary system.  A unitary state is governed as a single power under the control of a central government and any powers for administrative divisions are delegated from central government.

Mustafa Kemal is now more commonly known as Atatürk. His precise birthday isn’t known, but in speeches he referred to May 19th as his birthday, most likely he was referring to the acts of independence, but this means the day is also a time to remember his contributions to modern Turkey.

Following the war of independence, May 19th wasn’t celebrated as an event until 1936, when Atatürk himself suggested that May 19th should be remembered with a holiday focusing on the youth and therefore it became a holiday in 1938 when the ‘Festival of Youth and Sports’ was passed into law. In 1981, to mark the centenary of Ataturk’s birth, the holiday was renamed as ‘Commemoration of Atatürk, Youth and Sports Day’.

In a statement released in 2019 to mark the centenary of the events of 1919, President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan described the day as “the first step taken towards freedom and independence.”

“May 19 is the day when Mustafa Kemal Atatürk arrived in Samsun and effectively initiated our national struggle 100 years ago. May 19 is the day when the national will, the spirit of unity and solidarity and an unwavering faith revived to eradicate the occupying forces from our land. May 19 is the day when our nation stood back up. May 19 is the first step taken towards freedom and independence,” the statement said.

Today commemorates the ‘discovery’ of the islands of Cayman Brac and Little Cayman by Christopher Columbus in 1503.

The Cayman Islands are a British Overseas Territory in the Caribbean. The territory consists of three islands, Grand Cayman, Little Cayman and Cayman Brac.

During his fourth voyage to the Americas, Christopher Columbus sailed past the two islands of Cayman Brac and Little Cayman on May 10th 1503. Columbus didn’t stop on the islands but named the islands Las Torgugas due to the large number of sea turtles they saw as they passed. It is likely that the islands were seen by other Europeans before Columbus in 1503, but as he formally took the time to note and name the islands, he gets the credit as the European discoverer.

By the middle of the 16th century, the island gained the name of the ‘Caymanas’, after a local Carib name for the crocodiles that were plentiful on the islands back then.

Having been devastated by hurricanes in the past, the National Day of Preparedness is observed each year on Discovery Day to encourage residents to prepare for the hurricane season or any other natural disaster.

INSTEAD of being dragged from slumber with a grudge against the world, does your partner leap peppily and unbearably from the bed? Here’s how to handle it:

Leave the f**ker to it

Remain undisturbed. Allow the upbeat, popping-candy monstrosity humming cheerfully and monologuing about what a lovely day it is to fade into the background. She’ll piss off to brightly bushy-tail around the kitchen shortly and you can sink back into the swamp of sleep leaving this as nothing more than a dystopian Disney nightmare.

Block any interaction with the prick

Little questions like ‘Want a coffee?’ or ‘Mind if I open the curtains a crack?’ are aggressive attacks on your sleeping self. Respond accordingly: shut down your senses by wrapping a pillow around your head or mimicking the opossum, which over millennia has evolved to fake death in the presence of spritzy, woohoo humans.

Engage as minimally as bloody possible

As faking death will only work once, communication with your party-popper of a partner may be unavoidable. Restrict your replies to questions like ‘What shall we have for dinner?’ and ‘Do you think fish feel love?’ to grunts laced with the weary contempt the dead hold for the living.  Any more and the door to wakefulness will be flung open.

Delegate a task to the wanker

Distraction can be useful for getting rid of your confetti-shooting unicorn of positivity. Dispatch your boyfriend to another town to collect a parcel or mention an injured hedgehog in the garden. Morally dubious, but could get you another hour’s blissful unconsciousness so definitely worth it.

Mess with the twat’s circadian rhythms

Tarnishing your partner’s glitterball morning spirit by bring them into your world. Keep your wife awake late into the night by plying her with expresso martinis and vodka Red Bull while telling her you’re having an affair and leaving her, then revealing at 2am it was all a prank. She’ll sleep like she’s been coshed, and most likely in another room.

Get the f**k out

Set an alarm. Because you can’t function in the morning, you should be able to turn it off, roll out of bed, stump blearily through the house and snuggle into a filthy nest you’ve created under the stairs or in a forgotten wardrobe. Return to sleep and with luck, your boyfriend will assume you’re dead and move on leaving you to rest.

Following the Napoleonic Wars, Norway’s Constitution, which declared the country as a kingdom independent of Sweden was signed at what is now widely considered one of Norway’s most symbolic markers of national pride, the Eidsvoll Manor House, officially beginning its path to total independence.

The constitution was based on American and French models, and elected the Crown Prince of Denmark and Norway, Christian Frederick, as the king.

While full independence was not achieved until June 7th 1905, May 17th remains Norway’s National Day.

Celebrating the day was banned between 1820 and 1829 at the order of King Karl Johan of Sweden, while the two nations were united.

Celebrating the day gained popularity in 1833 when the writer Henrik Wergeland gave a public speech on Constitution Day honouring Norwegian heritage at the memorial service of the opposition minister Christian Krohg, who had died five years earlier.

The Norwegian parliament held the first May 17th celebration in 1836, and since then on May 17th has been regarded as the national day.

JD Vance recently said he had forbidden his wife from going skydiving in a strange comparison to Iran. Here he explains the benefits of controlling tendencies – for her and you.

It keeps women safe

Controlling women isn’t a sad little power trip for insecure men, it’s about their safety. If you don’t ban them from actually highly-regulated activities like skydiving, before you know it they’ll be bullfighting or playing Russian roulette. Because ‘slippery slope’ arguments are always correct.

They have more free time

By saying ‘Wear that dress’ or ‘Those heels make you look like a whore’ you’re saving women the trouble of making decisions, leaving them free to pursue other interests. Such as ensuring your home is spotless and doing large amounts of unnecessary baking, in a traditional way that fits in with my particular brand of conservative Catholicism but isn’t actually in The Bible.

Women cannot be trusted to go out

When Usha goes out, I do the responsible thing and ask: ‘Who are you meeting? Are any of them men? Are you planning to have sex with them?’ She can be quite disrespectful in her replies, but it’s the only way to ensure she won’t end up writhing in adulterous pleasure with some well-hung young stud every time she leaves the house.

You sound like a big man

Male friends are deeply impressed when, apropos of nothing, you announce you won’t let your wife buy anything without your permission, or similar. Are any of them secretly thinking ‘Jeez, what a pathetic asshole’? Unlikely. I’ll check if I ever have any friends.

It’s only feminism that makes them want free will

I’ve spoken out before about the sexual revolution, and to this day feminism is brainwashing women into thinking they don’t want to be stay-at-home baby factories. I’m not saying they shouldn’t make any decisions at all – as I’ve said to Usha, ‘You are free to breastfeed and change nappies without consulting me’. Respect is a two-way street.

Women are basically children

Like children gorging on sweets, women do things they don’t realise are bad for them. That’s why we’ve agreed Usha shouldn’t use the internet unsupervised. It’s nothing to do with the very real possibility that if she keeps seeing those fat boy memes of me, eventually she’ll think: ‘Shit! Why haven’t I divorced this petulant little dick?’