Occasional Digest

SHE is so lovely and she has captured your soul. But as you’ve never exchanged a single word, how to tell her? Would staring like a pervert do it? Let’s hope so:

Show stamina

Ladies love two things – commitment and six-hour tantric sex sessions. Show her you stay the distance like Sting by maintaining fixed, prolonged eye contact. It’s sending a message that you can engage in unpleasant tasks like cunnilingus or marriage for long periods and will not blink in the face of fear or dry eyes. Watch her swoon!

Ignore everything she says

Unused to the new love soaring in her heart, afraid of being overwhelmed with euphoria, she may push it away with cruel words. Remarks like ‘Is that man staring at me?’ or ‘Why is his face twitching like that?’ or ‘Can we move tables?’ are only to test your devotion. Do not allow your eyes to flicker while she falls beneath their spell.

Never speak

Whenever you speak to women, you say the wrong thing. Apparently. They say so, anyway. So best to remain silent, mysterious and intense as if you were in a Bond film or a Netflix true crime documentary. Women love bad boys, like Heathcliff or a 46-year-old single man holding a carrier bag of his possessions at the bus stop.

And never smile

If you smile and she doesn’t return it? That’s awkward. Because then you can’t stop smiling and have to maintain a rictus grin and you begin to resemble the Joker, and not in a sexy way. Maintain an impassive expression open to interpretation. It will make her wonder what deep and meaningful thoughts you are having. She’ll soon just have to ask.

Move your stare with her

Show her that you would make such a dedicated partner that you go wherever she leads, like a tango. But only at a discreet distance of 30 feet or so, acting like it was where you were going anyway. If she phones a boyfriend who then holds you up against a wall, that is a sign that perhaps she’s not ready for the depth of your mutual passion. For now.

Saint Peter de Regalado is a local public holiday in Valladolid, the capital of the Spanish autonomous community of Castile and León on May 13th each year.

San Pedro Regalado was a Franciscan monk who lived in the 15th century and was canonised for his charitable actions, his dedication to the poor and his miraculous works. 

He was born in 1390 and was baptised in the current church of San Salvador, which at that time was called the church of Santa Elena.

He was beatified by Pope Innocent XI on March 11th 1684 and canonized by Pope Benedict XIV on June 29th 1746.

Castile and León is an autonomous community in north-western Spain. It is Spain’s largest region and was created in 1983.

In Samoa, the value and importance of raising a family and honouring your parents is shown by making the Mondays after Mother’s Day and Father’s Day public holidays.

The date of Mother’s Day is the same as the day popularised in the USA by Miss Anna Jarvis.

In 1907, Miss Jarvis began a movement to set up a national Mother’s Day in honour of her mother. Anna’s mother, Mrs Anna M. Jarvis, had been instrumental in developing “Mothers Friendship Day” which was set up to assist in the healing process after the Civil War. Miss Jarvis wanted to set aside a day to honour all mothers, living and dead.

The first Mother’s Day observance was a church service favourite the second anniversary of her mother’s death, the second Sunday of May. By 1911, Mother’s Day had spread nationwide and was being celebrated in almost every state in the Union.

A WOMAN spring cleaning the flat she shares with her partner has decided that means chucking out all his stuff she does not see the point of.

Emma, not her real name, felt her clean and declutter should not involve getting rid of any of her own possessions, and she would instead do partner Tom, not his real name, a huge favour by binning most of his ‘old rubbish’.

She said: “The flat’s turning into a tip so I decided to have a sort-out while Tom was at work.

“Obviously my old psychology textbooks from uni are staying, plus childhood storybooks which hold so many memories, and a few other essentials. Is having four make-up bags excessive? Does he want me to stay young-looking and attractive? There’s your answer.

“Tom, on the other hand, really doesn’t need three guitars – he can only ever play one at a time – and he’s surely outgrown that bloody PlayStation now he’s 35. Ditto all those CDs and DVDs of his.

“I hope he’ll be pleased when he gets home from work and sees I’ve transformed the place. Although there’ll still be no space in the wardrobe for his clothes.”

He said: “Emma said she’s having a spring clean on her day off today, bless her. She’ll have fun swishing a duster round and hoovering under the bed.

“She can finally get round to chucking out some of her shit that’s cluttering the place up. So long as she’s careful cleaning around my Gibson Custom 1957 Les Paul and doesn’t rearrange my Grand Theft Auto games in the wrong order that will be great.”

Around the world, Father’s Day is celebrated on different dates, though the day is celebrated in a similar manner, usually involving giving gifts to fathers and family activities.

The Father’s Day initiative in Romania seems to come from the tireless energy of a semi-obscure NGO called TATA, translated as the “Alliance Fighting Discrimination Against Fathers,” who, according to a journalist at an English-language Romanian newspaper I contacted, “convinced a group of MPs in 2010 about the importance of this law, and then had the MPs pass the law.” But she then reassured me the holiday is “not a big thing here.” Another Romanian journalist I asked told me, “I’ve heard about it, but honestly I don’t know anybody celebrating it.” This was not the big groundswell of support I was expecting.

THE hellscape of modern society is the result of decades of dickheads beavering away. But here are six awful aspects your mum blames on you personally.

Spam emails

Your father got an email inviting him to purchase some penis enlargement pills. Your generation’s obsession with sex is what led to him clicking on a dodgy link and divulging his bank details to some foreigner with internet access. Which, incidentally, is another awful thing that’s your fault.

Petrol prices

Back in the old days, petrol was far cheaper. Now, because of inflation and various oil crises, prices at the pump have skyrocketed. You weren’t alive back then, but you are now. Coincidence? Your mum thinks not, and she won’t stop driving or complaining until you finally put your philosophy degree to good use and bring them down.

Litter

The streets are filthy, especially in cities where the young live. As an important figure within the under-60 age bracket, why, exactly, haven’t you urged today’s youth to clean up their act? And get those kids to pull up their trousers, while you’re at it.

AI chatbots

Nowadays it’s impossible to get hold of someone on the phone and shout at them when you have a problem. Instead, you’re forced to converse with a stupid AI chatbot that can’t even flinch from your bellowing. It’s young people like you with your woke sensibilities who have turned complaining into a chore rather than a pleasure.

People playing videos on public transport

Your mum is happy to endlessly swipe through knitting patterns on Instagram, but she would never play them out loud on the train. And in the quiet carriage, no less! How could you be so selfish as to invent the endless scroll and make the volume button so small and fiddly?

Hospital waiting times

According to the way your parents tell it, in the 70s you could turn up at the (white, male) doctor’s house any time of day or night and he’d sort you out. Now you have to go to A&E and wait for hours to see a so-called ‘physician’ who might have long hair or even a nose ring. Assisted dying can’t come soon enough.

At a speech in Paris in 1950, Robert Schuman, the then French foreign minister, set out his idea for a new form of political cooperation in Europe, which would benefit the participating countries economically and reduce the chance of any future war between Europe’s nations.

His vision was to create a European institution that would pool and manage coal and steel production. 

The idea of the community was that its founding members – France, Germany, Italy, the Netherlands, Belgium and Luxembourg – would pool their coal and steel resources and create a common market for them by lifting import and export duties.

A treaty creating such a body was signed in Paris just under a year later. Schuman’s proposal is considered to be the beginning of what is now the European Union.

The first recognition of a “Europe Day” was introduced by the Council of Europe in 1964. The “Europe Day” on 9th May was introduced in 1985 by the European Communities.

A MAN has forgotten how to be an underperforming drone after the four-day Easter weekend, it has emerged.

A long weekend of lying on the sofa and eating chocolate has resulted in Martin, not his real name, not remembering how to fall short of his ‘key performance indicators’ and risk being laid off during the next round of redundancies.

He said: “I knew something was off when I confidently walked into the office early. That’s so unlike me.

“My suspicions grew as I promptly replied to emails, organised my to-do list, and whipped up a presentation of budget-saving measures the company could easily implement. Usually it takes me all morning to turn my computer on.

“I tried to get back into the swing of things by sending emails without the necessary attachments and taking lengthy toilet breaks, but it’s no use. I stupidly got a raise after coming up with profitable ideas during this morning’s team meeting.

“Am I ever going to remember how to fill in a spreadsheet incorrectly or miss a deadline? Or am I doomed to a successful career of spouting corporate jargon and being respected by my awful colleagues? Christ I hope not.”

Marttin’s boss Kah Pau said: “I understand Martin’s concern. But once he’s burnt out he’ll go back to being an unproductive husk.”

Pope Leo XIV is the 267th Pope and replaced Pope Francis, who had been Pope since 2013 until he died in 2025.

He is the first American to fill the role of Pope, although he is considered as much a cardinal from Latin America because of the many years he spent as a missionary in Peru, before becoming a bishop there.

Born in Chicago in 1955 to parents of Spanish and Franco-Italian descent, Prevost served as an altar boy and was ordained as a priest in 1982. Although he moved to Peru three years later, he returned regularly to the US to serve as a pastor and a prior in his home city.

He has Peruvian nationality and is fondly remembered as a figure who worked with marginalised communities and helped build bridges.

He spent 10 years as a local parish pastor and as a teacher at a seminary in Trujillo in northwestern Peru.

Following the collapse of the Soviet Union, Kazakhstan gained its independence in December 1991.

The new-found independence meant the need for Kazakhstan to protect itself and on May 7th 1992, President Nursultan Nazarbayev signed the Decree that established the Armed Forces of Kazakhstan. On the same day, the President enacted the transformation of the State Committee of Defence of the Republic of Kazakhstan into the Ministry of Defence, giving Sagadat Nurmagambetov the military rank of Colonel-General, and the appointment of the General-Colonel Nurmagambetov as Defence Minister of Kazakhstan.

From the 1990s Defender’s Day had been a holiday only for military personnel. In 2012, marking the 20th anniversary, the law was amended to declare it a national holiday for all Kazakhs.

Despite being called Defender of the ‘Fatherland’ Day, thousands of women serve in the Kazakh Armed Forces, so this is not a purely ‘male’ holiday in Kazakhstan.

The holiday is celebrated with military parades, demonstrations, concerts, shows and festive events across the country. It has become an annual tradition that on this day the Supreme Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces of Kazakhstan issues a decree on awarding new military ranks and presents awards to distinguished military men.

This holiday is followed two days later with Victory Day, which celebrates the Soviet victory over Nazi Germany and the end of the Second World War, making this a very patriotic time of year.

THE sight of a single takeout pizza van has caused villagers to think their town is now on a par with London, it has emerged.

Having grown accustomed to their Nisa and a chippie that takes half an hour to drive to, residents of a Gloucestershire village believe they are about to become the new Shoreditch thanks to a van that sells overpriced pizzas.

Local Donna, not her real name, said: “I thought food trucks were something MasterChef made up for the telly. Yet there it is, in all its dazzling, gentrified glory for a pleb like me to enjoy.

“I phoned my kids who live in Camden to tell them I tried something called fior de latte on my margherita. They already knew what it was thanks to their swanky university education, and suggested I try an anchovy topping next. It’s all very cosmopolitan.

“The young lad who runs it says you can’t move for food trucks like this in the big city. Apparently they even sell Asian-fusion tacos and curried lentil dishes. Sounds a bit extravagant for our tastes but each to their own.

“Maybe if the novelty of pizza served out of a van catches on we’ll be treated to other London perks like a Gail’s and unaffordable housing. We can only dream.”

Pizza cook Jack, not his real name, said: “A place like this is perfect for entrepreneurs. I could serve these hicks reheated Pizza Express ready meals and they’d never know.”

Bulgaria became part of the Ottoman Empire in 1396. In the late nineteenth century, a growing tide of nationalism had been spreading across Europe, which had been threatening the break up of the western parts of the Ottoman Empire.

In April 1876, uprisings in other parts of the Ottoman Empire spread to Bulgaria. The suppression of the revolts by the Ottomans was horrific and when the atrocities were made public to the West and Russia, international condemnation was widespread. In April 1877, Russia formally declared war on the Ottoman Empire. The war ended in March 1878 with the signing of the San Stefano peace treaty which created the independent state of Bulgaria.

On July 22nd 1878, 12 battalions of volunteer units who had participated in the war, formed the Bulgarian armed forces.

May 6th was officially pronounced as the Day of the Bulgarian Army in 1880, though it has only been marked with a national holiday since 1998.

At the outbreak of the second world war, the Netherlands had declared its neutrality from the conflict. However, this did not stop the country being invaded by Nazi Germany on May 10th 1940.

After landing in Normandy in June 1944, the allied forces advanced across Europe with key engagements taking place in the south of the Netherlands by September of that year.

The Netherlands was liberated in a large part by the Canadians, British and Polish armies.

On May 5th 1945, General Foulkes of the Canadian forces and the German Commander Blaskowitz reached an agreement on the surrender of the German forces in the Netherlands in Hotel de Wereld in Wageningen.

Even though some German troops remained on Dutch soil until May 8th, the date of the surrender of the German forces is celebrated on Liberation Day.

Historically the economy of Dominica has been agriculture-based. In recent years it has become a major international financial hub and is aiming to be one of the largest banking centres in the world. Its offshore services are also becoming its main source of income.

Celebrating the efforts and achievements of workers has been observed at the start of May since the beginning of the 20th century.

The date was chosen due to events that happened in America. In 1884 the American Federation of Organized Trades and Labor Unions demanded an eight-hour workday, to come in effect as of May 1st 1886. This resulted in the general strike and the Haymarket (in Chicago) Riot of 1886, but eventually also in the official sanction of the eight-hour workday.

The custom spread to Europe and on to the Soviet Union. Its association with communism and socialism is why even though it marks events in America, America celebrates Labor Day on a different date.

Poland’s constitution was the first constitution to be adopted in Europe and second only in the world – the American constitution of 1789, being the oldest. The first draft of the Polish constitution dates back to 1788.

The Polish constitution was based on principles influenced by the French revolution and introduced a constitutional monarchy. 

The constitution itself applied to the Polish-Lithuanian commonwealth and the implementation of the constitution led to the ‘War of the defense of the constitution’ between the commonwealth and conservative nobility backed by the Russia empire.

This led to the annulment of the constitution just 19 months later, but the 3 May constitution is still regarded as a key event in the history of Poland.

After gaining independence in 1918, this day became a holiday, but like many national holidays it was not celebrated during the the time of the communist government.

Following the collapse of the Soviet Union, the holiday was restored by the Act of 6 April 1990 and the first gala celebration took place in Warsaw’s Castle Square on 3 May 1990 in the presence of President Wojciech Jaruzelski.

SPOTTED a colleague on the train or bus? Commute ruined. Unless you follow this guide to hide from them in a mature way.

Check your phone

Oh dear god, according to the news there’s a rainstorm in Patagonia, this requires immediate attention. Stop, stare down at the screen, brow furrowed. Or check your stocks and shares. Never mind that you don’t have any, you could and they would require regular urgent attention. You’re just practising for that.

Take a call

Admittedly, your voice might attract the target’s attention, but sometimes a bold strategy is needed. Say either ‘Those numbers are unacceptable, Simon’ or ‘Dad, you’ve fallen?’ whilst walking purposefully away from your colleague. In the unlikely event that they follow you, get off at the next stop or hide in the toilet.

Inspect some building work

Angry letters to the council about potholes won’t have the required bite unless you know what you’re talking about. Go and stick your face close to that crater in the road. Take out a measuring tape if necessary. Or find a wall and start counting the bricks. Your dad’s right, things aren’t made as well today. If it’s a low wall, you can duck down behind it too.

Have an emergency shoe inspection

Bend down and make sure laces are tied, even if they’re slip-ons. You never know. Or just give them a good hard look to see how shiny they are, as if that’s something you’ve ever given a toss about before. You may become less invisible if someone trips over you, though.

Put on headphones

Now you’re wearing chunky noise-cancelling headphones, you can’t be seen. That’s a scientific fact. It’s like there’s a force field around you. No one can hear you or talk to you. If your colleague gestures at you to slip the headphones off, pretend to have no idea what they could possibly mean. Besides, that would be impossible, they are now welded to your ears.

Find a newspaper

Most newspapers on public transport are used by drunks as vomit receptacles, toilet paper or trousers. If you manage to find a clean one, don’t pretend to read it as that leaves you vulnerable to interruption. Instead, craft it into an impenetrable disguise by poking out a couple of eye holes and holding it over your face. For the finishing touch, keep it in place then run away.

A MAN has wisely asked his girlfriend’s cat for permission to marry her.

Nathan consulted Nikki, not their real names,’ grey tabby cat Mr Wiggles because he felt he could not go against the wishes of such an important authority figure in her life.

He said: ‘Nikki looks up to Mr Wiggles in a weird paternalistic way. She asks him questions and takes any meow as an affirmation or rejection.

“The cat rules her life to the extent that Nikki consults him on everything from politics to savings plans. She asked him if I should be clean-shaven instead of sporting a beard. Mr Wiggles appeared to meow in favour of the first, so now my face is naked and cold.

“But I totally understand why she wanted me to do the traditional thing of asking the cat for her hand in marriage. When the time came I was quite nervous, and I had to wait for Mr Wiggles to wake from one of his many naps and give his balls a good lick.

“I’d bought him a catnip-infused cloth mouse, but Nikki said that was going too far. Mr Wiggles might think I was creeping and lose respect.”

She said: “Unfortunately Mr Wiggles had doubts about Nathan marrying me and living with us, and when Nathan asked him I was forced to interpret the answer as ‘no’.”

With its northern latitude leading to cold. dark winters, the arrival of spring has always been a welcome event in Finland and a tradition of a festival to mark the turning of the seasons dates back to pagan times. 

The Finnish name ‘Vappu’ originates from an 8th-century German saint called Walpurgis, who was canonised on May 1st 870 AD.

A Finnish twist on the May Day celebrations developed in the nineteenth century when engineering students would celebrate and party at midnight on April 30th, while sporting their traditional white caps. This custom has now become widespread across Finland, leading to almost a carnival-like partying in towns and cities with large student populations. 

Festivities begin in Helsinki at 6pm on April 30th, when students will gather at the Market Square to wash the statue of a nude female called Havis Amanda, before putting a white cap on her head. 

On May 1st, students and graduates will then lead a procession through Helsinki, ending in large open-air picnics in the parks across the city. Mead and doughnuts are traditional treats on this day.

It always precedes the next day’s subsequent celebrations of Israel Independence Day, the Yom Haatzmaut of the 5th of Iyar for the annual holiday of the Public Proclamation of the State of Israel of 1948.

Memorial Day honours veterans and fallen soldiers of the State of Israel and the Israel Defense Force who died in the modern Arab Israeli conflict. 

Nowadays, Memorial Day also commemorates fallen civilians, slain by acts of hostile terrorism.

Memorial Day is a statutory holiday; by law, all places of entertainment are closed on the eve of Yom Hazikaron. Broadcasting and educational bodies will mark the sombre of the day.

Restaurants reopen in the evening – partly because the Independence Day festivities begin at sunset, but also because some people may have travelled far to visit the grave of a fallen soldier friend or family member and may require refreshments.

Commemoration ceremonies are held across the country and TV and radio are devoted to the commemoration of those who have fallen. Flags throughout the country are lowered to half-mast. Public transport for those going to military cemeteries is free of charge.

How to party like accountants this financial New Year’s Eve

EXCITED about the new tax year? Here’s how to party like an accountant before a thrilling new fiscal year begins in April. Don’t forget the Alka-Seltzer!

Choose the venue prudently

Hiring a party venue can be costly, and the company office has overheads, so show fiscal prudence and reduce outlay by partying at someone’s home. If everyone rocks up with their laptop and logs in, the host can claim on their tax return for using the house as an office. Talk about starting the party with a bang!

Estimate outgoings for food and drink

Base your figures on the previous financial year’s consumption and forecast an average spend. Historic data patterns reveal one of the party will be pregnant and abstain from drinking, but will consume double the snacks, and your fat bastard colleague Gareth will appreciate to two persons with food and three for drink.

Dress to bill

Accountancy party clothes vary only slightly from work clothes. For men, it’s a novelty tie, for women, it’s brighter shoes and smaller bag. Aftershaves and perfumes never fluctuate, only percentage application increases. Now you’re ready to paint the town the colour of a worrying deficit in a ledger.

Harvest attendance data

As with company accounts, there’s no room for ambiguity. Collect signed and witnessed confirmations from all potential attendees. Last year’s figures indicate that approximately 12 per cent of attendees will bale out, and a further seven per cent will get lost en route. All figures must be quantifiable to one decimal place and rounded down. ‘Who needs booze when you’re having this much fun?’ you joke.

Have quantified fun

Now the party can begin in earnest. Having calculated you will take 1.25 hours to consume each of your four 330ml cans of moderately pissy IPA, you can index-link letting your hair down accordingly. Start with some accountancy games to break the ice, such as ‘Pin the upturn on the flowchart’. As the alcohol flows at join in the karaoke with a rendition of Pocket Calculator by Kraftwerk. By the fourth can your probability copping off with someone feels statistically high. Sadly this was the booze talking, and a further audit of the figures reveals you will sing Auld Lang Syne and go home alone.

The morning after

Despite your last drink being a Horlicks, you wake up with a thumping hangover next to your laptop and a crusty taxi receipt you will sponge clean and file. You hang up a new calendar and begin your Financial New Year’s resolution to format a new spreadsheet for the coming year. It’s been a party that will go down in accountancy legend!

The Showa Era is the longest and most dramatic reign of an emperor in Japan’s history. Emperor Showa was the longest-living emperor. He died at age 87 after reigning for 63 years. In fact, the Showa Era literally covers some of modern Japan’s brightest and darkest hours. After his death in 1989, he was renamed Emperor Showa.

Traditionally the Emperor’s birthday was a national holiday, and after the death of Emperor Hirohito in January 1989, April 29th was subsequently no longer celebrated as The Emperor’s Birthday but instead as Greenery Day, part of Japan’s Golden Week.

After many attempts since 2000, Greenery Day finally won approval to be renamed Shōwa Day in May 2005, and the decision to move the date of Greenery Day from April 29th to May 4th was taken.

The official purpose of the holiday is to reflect on Japan’s Showa period when the nation recovered after the turbulent times and to think about the country’s future.

In 1978 Afghanistan’s prime minister, Mohammed Daoud Khan, was assassinated during a coup led by the socialist People’s Democratic Party of Afghanistan (PDPA). The PDPA then seized power. But as more and more groups emerged in opposition to the communist leanings of the leadership, the PDPA government sought help from the Soviet Union. Soviet troops invaded in 1979, staring their conflict with local insurgent groups known as the mujahideen. The nine-year Soviet-Afghan War ended in 1989 with victory for the Mujahideen and the withdrawal of Soviet forces.

After the Soviets left, the PDPA remained in power supported by Pakistan and Russian financial aid; and war with the mujahideen continued with the Afghan Civil War.

The war led to another victory for the Mujahideen on April 28th 1992, when the rebel forces overthrew Mohammad Najibullah’s Democratic Republic of Afghanistan.

Known locally as “Hashte Saur,” this is a day in when former Mujahideen fighters and present-day soldiers and supporters march on bases or streets and the national songs traditionally sung by the “holy warriors” in the trenches are revived. Mosque prayers are dedicated to those who lost their lives and iconic green Mujahedeen flags are flown.