Occasional Digest

October 24th is a public holiday throughout the Pakistani state of Azad Jammu Kashmir. 

The Founding Day is celebrated in commemoration of the date of establishment of the state and freedom from the Dogra regime on this day in 1947.

Azad Jammu and Kashmir, abbreviated as AJK and colloquially referred to as simply Azad Kashmir, is a region administered by Pakistan as a nominally self-governing entity and constituting the western portion of the larger Kashmir region, which has been the subject of a dispute between India and Pakistan since 1947.

In Muzaffarabad, the day begins with a 21 gun salute. The main function are held at Parade Ground, where the Prime Minister of Azad Jammu and Kashmir hoists the national flag.

Special prayers are offered in mosques for the integrity and prosperity of Pakistan and the early liberation of Indian Illegally Occupied Jammu and Kashmir.

A TWO-HOUR Monday morning meeting has ended with all participants drained, shaken and unable to explain what went on.

Boss Nei, not his real name, sent a calendar invite last week for a ninety minute ‘team huddle’, which was later extended by half an hour for reasons unclear either on the invite or, according to survivors, in the actual meeting.

Dazed facilities manager Emma, not her real name, gulping down a black coffee, said: “What the f**k was that?

“I know there was an agenda at the start, and someone must have been taking notes, but I cannot tell you who or why or what about. All I know is that within 20 minutes up was down, black was white and I was barely clinging to my sanity.

“I went in there with a pretty decent idea of what my role is, I think. Now I can barely remember my own name. Was I fired? Am I meant to be doing something now? Has lunch already happened or not?”

Neil said: “I know my team, and they can’t stand quick one-on-one chats or briefing emails. They really function best in a large group, where we cover a lot of ground and everyone gets a chance to speak, especially me.

“I hope they feel like it was sufficiently detailed. We’ll reconvene late on Friday afternoon to pick up where we left off. I’m sure all of the points from the last meeting will have been actioned. Even if I’m a little vague on what they were.”

Following the end of the Second World War, Hungary had increasingly come under the control of their liberators from Germany, the Soviet Union.

Following democratic changes in Austria, some Hungarians had hoped for similar concessions in their country, but those hopes were quashed with the establishment of the Warsaw Pact in 1955, placing Hungary behind the so-called ‘Iron Curtain’. Demanding democratic changes and the withdrawal of Soviet forces, Hungarian students held a demonstration in Budapest on October 23rd 1956. The demonstration drew popular support and the crowds grew and similar protests broke out across Hungary. This led to the Soviets deploying tanks on the streets of Budapest in an attempt to take back control. Violent rebellion then erupted in all parts of Hungary, with uprisings removing the local government. A new democratic government ousted the ruling communist party.

On October 28th the Soviets called for a cease-fire, withdrew their troops and pledged to re-establish free elections.

However, on November 3rd 1956, the Soviets changed their minds. The new government was arrested and within a week the Soviet military had crushed the rebels and the short-lived revolution was over.

It may be known in some regions as Vijayadashami and in parts of southern India, it is known as Dasara. Other regional spellings include Dashera and Dussera.

As this is a ten day festival based on a lunar date with many important days and also because it has many different names in the various regions on India, it is difficult to determine when each region has a holiday. On this site, we show the date of the tenth day and you can assume that most regions will observe this a public holiday.

In India, the festival of Dussehra symbolizes the triumph of good over evil.

The festival traditionally represents the legend of Rama and Ravana.

Ravana, the demon king, abducted the beloved Princess of India, Sita.

The Lord Rama rescued the Princess, proving victorious over the powerful and evil King Ravana.

A WOMAN has hilariously given her boyfriend the illusion of choice while deciding which restaurant to eat at.

Jessica’s partner, Anthoy, not their real names, was excited to be brought into the discussion, foolishly believing his answer would in any way affect the decision that had already been made hours previously.

Jess said: “It was so funny watching Ant carefully consider the options as if it meant something. I hate to compare him to a dog being trained to press the right button for a treat, but that’s what he is.

“I allowed him to consider the local Chinese restaurant, a steak house he liked the sound of, and a salad place I favoured that was the correct choice. As I gently closed down the options with bullshit reasons like us having steak a month ago he really thought he was choosing. It was adorable.

“It’s not manipulative, we’re just one of those lucky couples with incredibly similar tastes. It’s just that Josh doesn’t always know that at first.”

Ant  said: “It’s strange because initially I wanted a steak but then I completely changed my mind. Which was the right decision because the trendy new salad place was lovely, and honestly a lot more filling than I thought.

“Jess and I always make decisions together, but sometimes I have to put my foot down, like last night when I really wanted salad, not a juicy 12-ounce steak with chips.”

Wednesday 21 October President Ndadaye’s Day in Burundi

Melchoir Ndadaye was the first democratically elected and the first Hutu president of Burundi. 

In 1993, in the first free elections after 26 years of military rule, Ndadaye won, polling around 66% of the vote.  He survived a coup attempt on July 3rd and was sworn in as President of Burundi on July 10th of that year.

Aged just 40, he was assassinated on October 21st 1993 during a failed military coup led by former president Jean-Baptiste Bagaza and Army Chief of Staff Col. Jean Bikomagu.

Ndadaye’s assassination was the spark that led to a decade-long civil war between the Tutsi and Hutu ethnic groups. 

Today Ndadaye is remembered as the founding father of the country’s democracy and remains a symbol of unity and reconciliation.

THE French have a lower retirement age and free universities because they’re not afraid to set a shop on fire. They would riot over any one of these British shit sandwiches:

Southern Rail

The disgrace of Southern Rail’s late-running, extortionate service is so monumental that Britain simply cannot confront it. A Frenchman experiencing its knackered rolling stock would head straight to Whitehall with a can of patrol. Thankfully they’ve been deterred from visiting and witnessing our national disgrace by centuries of simmering hostility.

Meal deals

If you’re confused as to why the paprika crisps shelved right next to the sandwiches aren’t included in your lunchtime meal deal, think of our continental neighbours. If they were told the items in their hands were not part of the deal, the till would be through the window in moments and Boots awash with tear gas before ten minutes had passed.

Porn age-verification checks

Erotic imagery is every Frenchman’s God-given right. Every trip to the boulangerie, patisserie or tabac is enlivened by seeing at least five tits. The thought of scanning your face to gaze upon a fanny?  Their reflex for writing angry signs would kick in. They’d sooner surrender to the Nazis again than give up easy access to female nudity.

Axing the triple lock

Thanks to organised violence, the French people have kept their retirement age down to 64. And that’s after a lifetime of toiling through four-day weeks with two-hour lunches. Threatening the triple lock would be good for at least one head-of-state decapitation and a fortnight of looting, if our shite high streets had anything they’d want to steal.

Oat milk

Our calling the crap we cook ‘food’ has enraged our Gallic neighbours for decades, but at least it came from solid animal-cruel sources. To make milk, milk which masquerades as being from the cow, from oats? Paris would be in flames before the furiously-discarded disposable coffee cup had hit the cobbles.

Comparative lack of riots

Traditionally, the UK holds riots during the summer. This alone would have French people taking to the street to overturn bins. ‘No riots?’ they would cry, ‘But then how can this be called a functioning democracy? We riot… for the riots!’ Not that you’ll understand, because your entire knowledge of French is ‘Hello, my name is John, thank you.’

In 1929 the economic ravages of the Great Depression were being felt worldwide, including Central America. It caused high levels of unemployment and unrest in Guatemala.

To stop the country descending into chaos, the Guatemalan authorities needed someone to take control and give strong leadership. They looked to Jorge Ubico, who had earned a hardman reputation as a provincial governor. Ubico won the 1931 elections, which wasn’t a great shock to the pollsters given he was the only candidate.

Ubico set about his task of improving the country’s economic fortunes and imposed an over-zealous and punitive set of labour laws.

He effectively militarised the country, by making each provincial governor a general and putting military officers in charge of many government posts.

During the second world war, he gave support to the Americans (mainly to annoy Mexico) but that didn’t stop him openly admiring the achievements of European fascists such as Franco in Spain and Mussolini in Italy.

Napoleon Complex

It’s not known what posters if any, the teenage Ubico had on his bedroom wall, but Napoleon would have been a safe bet as he was like a dog with a Bonaparte when it came to Napoleon. Ubico considered himself to be “another Napoleon”. He surrounded himself with statues and paintings of Napoleon, regularly commenting on the similarities between their appearances. Though he wasn’t particularly short – but then neither was Napoleon, despite what British propaganda might have us believe.

While the country was under Spanish rule, a military parade was held whenever a new governor-general took office in Santiago. The First Government Junta’s formal inauguration took place in the city on September 19th 1810, as the first military parade of the new nation.

The National Army of Chile was created on December 2nd 1810, by order of the First National Government Junta.

The Day of the Glories of the Chilean Army was established in 1915. On September 28th 1819, a parade with all the nation’s army units was held to celebrate the victory in the Chilean War of Independence. 

President Joaquin Prieto ordered a military exercise on La Pampilla fields in 1831, and President Manuel Bulnes obtained lands in the Pampilla area for annual military parades in 1842, leading to its transformation into a military installation in 1845. This land became O’Higgins Park in 1873 following the efforts of Luis Cousiño, who was inspired by European parks and decided to infuse a similar design with Chilean features. He commissioned Manuel Arana to design it, and Arana included the Field of Mars that has been used in the annual military parades since.

The purpose of this holiday is to remember all those who have fought in Chilean battles, in which the country has been victorious or defeated; the courage and courage of those who protected the country and its inhabitants are remembered.

The Chilean Army is one of the most technologically advanced and professional armies in the Americas.

Note that the Chilean Navy has its own public holiday. The Day of the Glories of the Chilean Navy is observed on May 21st and marks the date of the battle of Iquique on that day in 1879.

On September 18th 1810, Chile broke from Spanish rule, declaring their independence. The Spanish had ruled Chile since the middle of the 16th Century. The movement to independence had been driven by other South American countries revolting against colonial rule, the French and Spanish warring in Europe and the appointment of an unpopular Governor in 1808.

While Chileans celebrate their independence on September 18th, their declaration in 1810 was the start of a long struggle and the Chilean war of Independence lasted for eight years before Chile could officially proclaim independence on February 12th 1818. Indeed, it wasn’t until 1826 when the last Spanish troops holding out on a remote island finally surrendered to Chilean forces.

At 7,500 feet, (2,286 metres) above sea level, Chile’s Atacama Desert is the driest place on Earth.

With Independence Day being immediately followed by another public holiday (Day of the Glories of the Chilean Army), the whole week around these two days tends to be a period of celebration. Many schools and some companies will declare a week-long holiday.

The events around the struggle for Independence are remembered with the ‘Fiestas Patrias’ (national parties). These fiestas include parades (often including ‘huasos’, the traditional Chilean cowboys), dancing, partying, traditional Chilean food, and displays of national pride.

MANY countries arrogantly claim their cuisine is better than anywhere else. Here are the top six cuisines which are alright but not f**king life-changing.

6. Turkish

It’s a strange claim by Turks that their food surpasses all others, given it’s basically kebabs and chewy flatbreads. Sharma, shish, all just meat of questionable origin on a stick. Baba ganoush? Aubergine slop that looks like it came out of a nappy. And shepherd’s salad is just tomato, onion and parsley. Those shepherds must be f**king starving. Dead, probably.

5. Italian

Italians are so up themselves they forget their supposedly brilliant food is little more than pasta made from flour, bread and sloppy rice. Pizza is claimed to be as revolutionary as Giuseppe Garibaldi, when all it is is cheese and tomato on dough. You’d be better off making a toastie. If rice cooked in slop then laden with cheese to make it taste of something is your thing, risotto has your back. They don’t even do chips, the misguided arrogant twats.

4. Japanese

Raw fish and seaweed is about as far from top-drawer grub as it’s possible to get, but that doesn’t stop the Japanese unfathomably thinking it is unrivalled the world over. Little bits of uncooked Nemo might look pretty, but you’d have to be a f**king psychopath to consider putting it in your mouth. What right-minded human being wants to chow down on the staple diet of a bloody crab?

3. American

The USA thinks it’s the best in the world at everything, when in reality they only excel at pointlessly remaking films and electing incontinent narcissistic loonies. They think a ‘seafood boil’ sounds appetising, and their burgers, hot dogs and shit fries are all swimming in pollutant E numbers, bleach and industrial hormones. Perhaps if they weren’t always off their heads on chemicals they’d think twice about doing mass shootings.

2. French

The British dislike of the French could be regarded as silly, but the Napoleonic Wars were only 211 years ago, which is nothing compared to the dinosaurs. And their arrogant claims about having the greatest cuisine don’t help. Frogs’ legs? Snails? If you’re going to eat stuff from the garden you may as well throw in a sparrow and a plastic plant pot. It’s no wonder all those dinghy people don’t want to stay there and eat shite when they could be in Blighty with chips and a battered saveloy.

1. All that Scandi shit

Norway, Iceland, Sweden, it matters not, the food claims to be healthy and sophisticated when in truth it’s utterly disgusting. Meatballs and cream dwell at opposite ends of the culinary spectrum for a reason, but here they are sharing a plate. Nobody has a clue what a lingonberry is, other than it sounds like something you should check for before a date. And as for pickled herring, what the actual f**k? The one benefit of it being pitch black half the year is at least you can’t see what’s for dinner.

AGED 22? Sad about it? So obsessed with being disadvantaged by previous generations that you need to pay a stranger to listen to you talk? Here’s how:

Find the best

Never mind that you live at home, you’re traumatised and deserve the best, not mum’s friend Jackie who’s training to be a counsellor. Don’t stint and be sure to delve deeply into finding out exactly why it is that you, aged 23 and masturbating quietly so your parents don’t hear, feel depressed. Who understands your tough choices like: Deliveroo or Vinted?

Get careers coaching

Find a provider who’ll group therapy with career coaching, charging £300 an hour for vital self actualisation exercises and AI generated advice on AI job applications. When you get all that, avoid resentfully thinking you could tell strangers to ‘leverage their transferable skills’ and earn £50 a hour by focusing on your debts instead.

Discuss your feelings of failure

Why does someone who can’t afford a pint feel a failure? Clearly you have unresolved childhood trauma and imposter syndrome. That’s a 15-session problem, paid upfront. It’s an investment in your future, as was that highly valuable degree in Art History and Film Studies.

Don’t compare yourself to others

Yes, an influencer on TikTok has bought a flat in Shoreditch at 21 and claims it’s by cutting out McDonalds. But we all know there’s some weird foot pics shit lurking there and that’s too oversaturated a market for you to get into now. Though it is still necessary you sob to a stranger about it.

Explore your relationship with money

Why do you feel anxious every time your banking app opens? Why does seeing ‘£4.62 available’ cause your heart to race? Why have you started treating £10 like an heirloom? Your therapist will encourage you to unpack your ‘scarcity mindset’. You can’t put a price on mental health, you reassure yourself, while subject to exactly that.

Work on your boundaries

Learn to say no to things you can’t afford, such as holidays, weddings, restaurants, festivals, pubs, taxis, house deposits and having children before the age of 41.You’ll also learn to set healthy boundaries with your parents, including asking them to stop mentioning that £30 you borrowed.

Identify your coping mechanisms

You may have developed unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as doomscrolling, drinking supermarket own-brand wine or therapy you can’t afford. Your therapist will encourage healthier alternatives. These include journalling, mindfulness and taking a walk in nature. Instead you tell her you’ve done all that and stay in.

Prince Tupouto’a ‘Ulukalala was born on September 17th 1985. 

The prince became the heir apparent to the throne in 2012 when his father, King Tupou VI, ascended to the throne.

The Crown Prince and Crown Princess Sinaitakala Tuku’aho married in July 2012. The Crown Prince and Crown Princess Sinaitakala Tukuʻaho have four children. A son, Prince Taufaʻahau Manumataongo, born 10 May in 2013; and three daughters Princess Halaevalu Mataʻaho, born on 12 July 2014, Princess Nanasipau’u born 20 March 2018, and Princess Salote Mafile’o Pilolevu, born 25 February 2021.

Tonga is the only sovereign indigenous monarchy in Oceania. 

In Tongan mythology, the Polynesian Sun god, Tangaloa, pulled the islands of Tonga from the sea using a tortoiseshell and a whalebone fishhook. During the god’s expedition, the shell and hook ripped an opening in the islands of Naupapu. This fishing line snapped, causing pieces of the island to fall into the sea, leaving Tonga as it is today.

A MIDDLE-AGED man who wants a girlfriend in her 20s realises it is possible but she is unlikely to be the finest physical specimen.

Tom, not his real name, 48, would ideally like to date a 25-year-old knockout but accepts that her having options would be an obstacle to their relationship.

He said: “The apps let you filter for age but sadly not for beauty. I’ve written ‘young at heart’ on my dating profile because it clearly doesn’t apply to my body, which now makes weird noises both when coming and standing up.

“My youthful partner needs to be fun but not immature, confident but not intimidating, attractive but not vain, independent but still have time for me and, most importantly, have absolutely no interest in men her own age. Also she should insist on paying for herself. But strangely that’s proving hard to find.

“So I’ve accepted that her attractiveness may have to be dialled down. I’m prepared to accept facial features that may not be entirely symmetrical, or maybe even plain. It’s a big concession but I’m decent enough to make it.

“She needn’t be stick-thin either. She can have some fat, maybe even a slightly noticeable tummy. And for the breasts I’m prepared go down to a C-cup. Finding a mate is so much easier when you’re not a superficial guy.

“The main thing is she hasn’t yet reached 30. After that stage they grow opinions and that’s really unattractive.”

It commemorates 16 September 1963, when the former British colony of Singapore and the East Malaysian states of Sabah and Sarawak, joined the Federation of Malaya to create the Malaysian Federation.

Singapore only remained in the federation for two years, leaving on 9 August 1965.

Originally this date was planned for 1 June 1963, but it was delayed twice; once to 31 August to make it coincide with an older national day, and then delayed again to allow referendums to take place in certain regions.

Malaysia Day has only been a national holiday since 2010. On announcing this holiday, Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak said the day would involve activities that would foster the Malaysia spirit and would be celebrated with formal events such as a parade to commemorate the historical moment. He added that it should remind the Malaysian people about their struggle in achieving independence. 

On 31 August, Malaysians celebrate Independence Day (Merdeka Day), so it is unusual for a country to effectively have two independence day holidays.

The territory of modern Guatemala was once the heart of the Maya civilization, which extended across Mesoamerica. 

Most of the country was conquered by the Spanish Conquistador Pedro de Alvarado in the first half of the 16th century, becoming part of the viceroyalty of New Spain.

Guatemala was the original source for potatoes, corn, chili peppers, and avocados.

In the first decade of the nineteenth century, Spain had been weakened by its involvement in the Peninsular War in Europe and local juntas had been created as local Spanish had revolted against the rule of King Joseph, Napoleon’s brother who was installed as ruler of Spain by the French in 1808.

This taste for independent rule persisted after King Ferdinand came to the Spanish throne and on September 15th 1821, the Act of Independence of Central America was declared by the Province of Guatemala.

Following independence and despite opposition from El Salvador, the regions became part of the Mexican Empire, until they ceded to become the Federal Republic of Central America in 1823.

PLAYING a guessing game about them is a great icebreaker with women at parties, probably. But bear these things in mind to avoid being told to f**k off instantly.

Guessing their age

Women are coy about their age, so a complimentary guess is one that’s way too low but not impossible. Try 12 years. And don’t try to be Sherlock Holmes by noting details like her uniformly consistent hair colour and basing a clever guess on that. Really this is just a process of feigning disbelief as she says ‘no’ to your too-low guesses. If you guess her age correctly first time you may find yourself chatting to the wall.

Guessing how many sexual partners they’ve had

Probably best played after a large number of drinks. If you guess high you’re basically calling her a top-drawer slag or a prostitute, and too low sounds like an unflattering assessment of her looks. Guessing ‘seven’ is pretty uncontroversial, even if you don’t believe it for a second, but she may still take umbrage for some reason. Frankly if you’ve initiated this game with a high chance of offence, whatever number you pick won’t be notched up by one tomorrow.

Guessing their dress size

If you’re feeling full of Dutch courage try this. If you don’t guess two sizes below what your actual assumption is, you’re in deep f**king trouble. Never say a number ending in a teen, and if you have to for the sake of basic realism, remember no woman in the UK is larger than a 14. Arguably it’s an unwise subject for a guessing game, but it’s not like you asked her her weight. That would have been rude.

Guessing their nickname at school

Even if they didn’t have a proper nickname, imagining what it would have been is fun, assuming you don’t immediately put your foot in it and suggest ‘ginger minger’. It’s also likely their nickname was based on a physical trait they hated, so don’t say ‘Concorde’ even if it was obviously that. Keep the guesses flattering, because they can guess your nickname as revenge. ‘Specky Bender’ is hurtful, especially if that was your actual nickname until the age of 16.

Guessing the kinkiest place they’ve had sex

Again, this has the potential to be taken as an insult, because what’s daring or kinky to you might be downright disgusting to her. So don’t say: against a pub wheelie bin, in a public toilet or in her parents’ bed when they were downstairs watching The Voice. It’s a fine line between being an entertaining conversationalist and a grubby pervert.

Guessing where they’ll be sleeping tonight

This is pretty obviously trying your luck, so you’d better be sure you’re really hitting it off with her. Unfortunately after being subjected to your guessing game, the correct answer is likely to be ‘Not with you’.

Nowadays the idea that a private individual from another country could turn up and effectively conquer your country seems highly unlikely, but this is what happened in Nicaragua in 1856.

William Walker was an American who organised private military expeditions into Latin America. He wanted to establish English-speaking colonies under his control. Walker and his followers were known as “filibusters”.

The term “filibuster” is Spanish and was used to describe the Pirates who raided the coast of South America in the 18th and 19th centuries. You can see how it fitted what Walker was doing. Its modern use in English means delaying a political process in order to stop it.

Taking advantage of a civil war in Nicaragua, Walker and a modest force of 38 troops, conquered the key city of Granada and took control of the country in April 1956. His rule was even recognised as legitimate by the then U.S. President, Franklin Pierce.

The Battle of San Jacinto took place on the September 14th 1856 in Hacienda San Jacinto, Managua, Nicaragua between 160 soldiers of the Legitimist Septemtrion Army led by Colonel José Dolores Estrada versus 300 of Walker’s filibusters.  The filibusters were defeated by Colone Estrada after four hours of combat.

While the victory did not defeat Walker, it was the first significant victory for the legitimists and would prove to be the beginning of the end of the reign of the usurper.

A coalition of Central American armies finally ousted Walker from power in May 1857. He was arrested and repatriated to the U.S.

Known as Rama IX, he reigned Thailand since June 9th 1946 until his death on October 13th 2016, making him the longest-reigning monarch ever in Thailand’s history.

Despite being a constitutional monarch, and not legally being allowed a role in politics, Bhumibol made several decisive interventions in the Thai political sphere and has been credited with helping facilitate Thailand’s transition to democracy in the 1990s.

The date of Columbus’ arrival in the Americas is also celebrated in Central and South America as the Día de la Raza (“day of the race”), commemorating the first encounters of Europe and Native Americans. It is a celebration of the diversity among Native Americans and Europeans.

Columbus’ voyages across the Atlantic Ocean initiated the European exploration and colonization of the Americas.

While the first voyage in 1492 was immensely significant, Columbus did not actually reach the American mainland until his 3rd voyage in 1498. Instead, while trying to find a sea route to India, he made landfall on an island in the Bahamas that he named San Salvador.

He was also not the earliest European explorer to reach the Americas, with the indisputable evidence of Norsemen having reached the mainland of North America centuries before.

MEETING someone new and middle-class? They may assume, seeing you in your Reiss suit, that you’re just like them when actually you’re better. Drop in these class markers:

Mention your dad was a roofer

It doesn’t matter what you’re discussing: Brexit, sushi, penguins or the novels of Elizabeth Strout, it’s relevant. It’s even better if you say ‘is’, suggesting he cannot afford to give up work even into his 60s. They don’t know he’s got his own firm and sits on his arse all day.

Explain your mum doesn’t get what you do

Unlikely, considering your job isn’t that hard to comprehend. It’s more a reflection of the fact she can’t understand why they pay you for that when you’re always pissing about at home. But it hints at the drama caused by your rise from a terraced house to the heights of digital services advisor.

Call school ‘the comprehensive’

Force it in even if it wasn’t in the school’s name. Act as though your perfectly pleasant state school was rife with guns, gangs and knife attacks. To be fair there was once a fight in the playground. Wait, no, a dog. There was a dog in the playground.

Emphasise your lack of learning

You wish you could understand the world like the well-educated – things like quinoa, financial instruments, the plays of Sarah Kane – but you can’t, because of your schooling. Admittedly that was because you skipped lessons to smoke, but surely that’s society’s fault? To this day, it’s hurtful how little you know about Molière’s comedies.

Exaggerate your accent

Even if your area doesn’t have a particularly charming rural accent, you can put on a general Cockney lilt, like a child in a 1950s film. Your attempt to deploy it at the garage for a lower rate on a new exhaust is unsuccessful. He must have gone to public school.

Punch them hard in the face

None of it working? Resort to violence, then explain that was how people communicated in the harsh cobbled streets where you grew up. A clip round the ear was affection, a punch was an expression of camaraderie and being knocked to the floor and stamped on was a warm embrace from a beloved grandparent. That should get it through to them.

White Sunday is a day when youngsters are especially celebrated by their parents and their communities in Samoan congregations around the world. In nearby Samoa, the day after White Sunday is a public holiday called Lotu a Tamaiti Holiday.

As American Samoa and Samoa are on different sides of the International Dateline, they share similar names but are a day apart. This means White Sunday in American Samoa happens at the same time as White Monday (Lotu a Tamaiti) in Samoa!

In American Samoa, the second Monday in October is already a public holiday for Columbus Day.

The tradition of White Sunday was brought to the islands by Christian missionaries in the 19th century and has become a special holiday, when children are treated from getting new outfits to being allowed their favorite food during family toana’i (Sunday meal).

The majority of children are baptised in designated congregations throughout Samoa on White Sunday.

On White Sunday, Samoan women and children dress completely in white clothing. Some of them trim the clothes with the other two colours of the Samoan flag, red and blue. Men will wear white shirts with either white slacks or the traditional faitaga form of the lavalava. If lavalava is worn then it need not be white on this day.