Occasional Digest

Shavuot celebrates the wheat harvest as described in the book of Exodus: 

Exodus 34:22 You shall observe the festival of weeks, the first fruits of wheat harvest, and the festival of ingathering at the turn of the year.

The festival also celebrates the revelation of the Five Books of the Torah by God to Moses and to the nation of Israel at Mount Sinai, seven weeks after their Exodus from Egypt. 

As Shavuot has these different aspects, it has been called by many names. In the Hebrew Bible it is called the “Feast of Harvest” (Hebrew: חג הקציר, Hag ha-Katsir; Ex. xxiii. 16) and the “Feast of Weeks” (Hebrew: חג שבעות, Hag Shavuot; ib. xxxiv. 22; Deut. xvi. 10), also the “Day of the First-Fruits” (Hebrew יום הבכורים, Yom ha-Bikkurim; Num. xxviii. 26).

Local customs include displaying greens on the floors and of otherwise decorating the home and the synagogue with plants, flowers, and even with trees. 

The greens serve to remind one of the green mountain of Sinai; the trees, of the judgment day for fruit-trees on Pentecost; they also commemorate the harvest festival of former times.

The battle took place during the War of the Pacific between Chile and Peru.

The town of Iquique in the north of Chile was under Peruvian control. Chile had blockaded the port with two ships. In response, Peru sent two ships to break the blockade.

The Peruvian ships were more modern and the battle soon ended with defeat for the Chilean navy.

At first glance, this may not seem to be a great basis for a holiday celebrating the glories of the navy, but during the battle, great courage was shown by the captain of one of the Chilean ships, Arturo Prat.

Prat’s bravery inspired many Chileans and following his death, there was a large rise in the number of men enlisting in the navy. The legacy of Prat’s heroism can be said to have led to the eventual victory of Chile in the War of the Pacific.

OFF to the park to enjoy the weather, only to discover people have claimed all the space because they’re more important than you? Here are their devious methods:

Frisbee

Friends tossing a frisbee to each other is an iconic summer image. Only no one can enjoy the park because their erratic hurling and mindless labrador-like chasing puts park space off-limits unless you want to be trampled or twatted by an out-of-control Tupperware saucer. If you want to throw something, try yourselves into the boating lake.

Picnic rug

You’ve seen a nice spot of grass to sit on, but an extended family of professional picnickers suddenly spreads out the Bayeux Tapestry of rugs for an extravagant open-air banquet. With hampers, cool boxes, folding furniture and a gazebo encircling the feast, half an acre of parkland has been annexed. Why not plant a f**king flag and claim sovereignty, your majesties?

Disposable barbecue

On a nice day it’s refreshing to inhale the warm invigorating air, unless a crew of carnivores plant their stinking foil fire-pit next to you. Soon everyone nearby will be driven away by the stench of smoke, grease and charred, minced pig bollocks. And the only way to remove the odour is rubbing yourselves down with the Magic Tree from the car.

Sporting equipment

The easiest way for bastards to ringfence parkland for their own selfish needs is to hoof a football around. As makeshift goalposts are put in place, parkgoers will automatically begin protecting open cans, bottles and children. This also works with rounders, cricket and the magic-free version of Quidditch Harry Potter fans have invented, because when you’re into children’s books aged 35 presumably you are beyond embarrassment.

Kite

As well as being fun until you get sick of relaunching the damn thing every 30 seconds, a kite has the bonus of attracting attention to yourself as other people stare nervously in anticipation of being divebombed by a huge cellophane flying-V or a picture of the Hulk on massive struts. Delightful in theory, in practice a more effective people-scatterer than a Stuka.

Anything from the middle aisle

Many twatty middle-aisle toys help bastards carve out a large slice of ego territory. Remote-control cars, water blasters, boomerangs and drones are particularly suitable for making others lose enjoyment of the park. Although the most effective tactic is still parading into green space with multiple special-offer boxes of Stella Artois and Bluetooth speakers, soon to be followed by frequently wandering off to piss nearby. Job done.

Cameroon became a German colony in 1884, known as Kamerun.  After Germany’s defeat in the first world war, the administration of the colony was divided between Britain and France, becoming UN Trust Territories after the end of the second world war and the creation of the United Nations.

The United Nations Trust Territory known as French Cameroun achieved independence from France on January 1st 1960, and British Southern Cameroons became a federated state within Cameroon on October 1st 1961.

On May 20th 1972, in a national referendum, Cameroonians voted for a unitary state as opposed to the existing federal state.  President Ahmadou Ahidjo then abolished the federal system of government in favour of a unitary state, the Republic of Cameroon.

Most countries operate under a unitary system.  A unitary state is governed as a single power under the control of a central government and any powers for administrative divisions are delegated from central government.

Mustafa Kemal is now more commonly known as Atatürk. His precise birthday isn’t known, but in speeches he referred to May 19th as his birthday, most likely he was referring to the acts of independence, but this means the day is also a time to remember his contributions to modern Turkey.

Following the war of independence, May 19th wasn’t celebrated as an event until 1936, when Atatürk himself suggested that May 19th should be remembered with a holiday focusing on the youth and therefore it became a holiday in 1938 when the ‘Festival of Youth and Sports’ was passed into law. In 1981, to mark the centenary of Ataturk’s birth, the holiday was renamed as ‘Commemoration of Atatürk, Youth and Sports Day’.

In a statement released in 2019 to mark the centenary of the events of 1919, President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan described the day as “the first step taken towards freedom and independence.”

“May 19 is the day when Mustafa Kemal Atatürk arrived in Samsun and effectively initiated our national struggle 100 years ago. May 19 is the day when the national will, the spirit of unity and solidarity and an unwavering faith revived to eradicate the occupying forces from our land. May 19 is the day when our nation stood back up. May 19 is the first step taken towards freedom and independence,” the statement said.

Today commemorates the ‘discovery’ of the islands of Cayman Brac and Little Cayman by Christopher Columbus in 1503.

The Cayman Islands are a British Overseas Territory in the Caribbean. The territory consists of three islands, Grand Cayman, Little Cayman and Cayman Brac.

During his fourth voyage to the Americas, Christopher Columbus sailed past the two islands of Cayman Brac and Little Cayman on May 10th 1503. Columbus didn’t stop on the islands but named the islands Las Torgugas due to the large number of sea turtles they saw as they passed. It is likely that the islands were seen by other Europeans before Columbus in 1503, but as he formally took the time to note and name the islands, he gets the credit as the European discoverer.

By the middle of the 16th century, the island gained the name of the ‘Caymanas’, after a local Carib name for the crocodiles that were plentiful on the islands back then.

Having been devastated by hurricanes in the past, the National Day of Preparedness is observed each year on Discovery Day to encourage residents to prepare for the hurricane season or any other natural disaster.

INSTEAD of being dragged from slumber with a grudge against the world, does your partner leap peppily and unbearably from the bed? Here’s how to handle it:

Leave the f**ker to it

Remain undisturbed. Allow the upbeat, popping-candy monstrosity humming cheerfully and monologuing about what a lovely day it is to fade into the background. She’ll piss off to brightly bushy-tail around the kitchen shortly and you can sink back into the swamp of sleep leaving this as nothing more than a dystopian Disney nightmare.

Block any interaction with the prick

Little questions like ‘Want a coffee?’ or ‘Mind if I open the curtains a crack?’ are aggressive attacks on your sleeping self. Respond accordingly: shut down your senses by wrapping a pillow around your head or mimicking the opossum, which over millennia has evolved to fake death in the presence of spritzy, woohoo humans.

Engage as minimally as bloody possible

As faking death will only work once, communication with your party-popper of a partner may be unavoidable. Restrict your replies to questions like ‘What shall we have for dinner?’ and ‘Do you think fish feel love?’ to grunts laced with the weary contempt the dead hold for the living.  Any more and the door to wakefulness will be flung open.

Delegate a task to the wanker

Distraction can be useful for getting rid of your confetti-shooting unicorn of positivity. Dispatch your boyfriend to another town to collect a parcel or mention an injured hedgehog in the garden. Morally dubious, but could get you another hour’s blissful unconsciousness so definitely worth it.

Mess with the twat’s circadian rhythms

Tarnishing your partner’s glitterball morning spirit by bring them into your world. Keep your wife awake late into the night by plying her with expresso martinis and vodka Red Bull while telling her you’re having an affair and leaving her, then revealing at 2am it was all a prank. She’ll sleep like she’s been coshed, and most likely in another room.

Get the f**k out

Set an alarm. Because you can’t function in the morning, you should be able to turn it off, roll out of bed, stump blearily through the house and snuggle into a filthy nest you’ve created under the stairs or in a forgotten wardrobe. Return to sleep and with luck, your boyfriend will assume you’re dead and move on leaving you to rest.

Following the Napoleonic Wars, Norway’s Constitution, which declared the country as a kingdom independent of Sweden was signed at what is now widely considered one of Norway’s most symbolic markers of national pride, the Eidsvoll Manor House, officially beginning its path to total independence.

The constitution was based on American and French models, and elected the Crown Prince of Denmark and Norway, Christian Frederick, as the king.

While full independence was not achieved until June 7th 1905, May 17th remains Norway’s National Day.

Celebrating the day was banned between 1820 and 1829 at the order of King Karl Johan of Sweden, while the two nations were united.

Celebrating the day gained popularity in 1833 when the writer Henrik Wergeland gave a public speech on Constitution Day honouring Norwegian heritage at the memorial service of the opposition minister Christian Krohg, who had died five years earlier.

The Norwegian parliament held the first May 17th celebration in 1836, and since then on May 17th has been regarded as the national day.

JD Vance recently said he had forbidden his wife from going skydiving in a strange comparison to Iran. Here he explains the benefits of controlling tendencies – for her and you.

It keeps women safe

Controlling women isn’t a sad little power trip for insecure men, it’s about their safety. If you don’t ban them from actually highly-regulated activities like skydiving, before you know it they’ll be bullfighting or playing Russian roulette. Because ‘slippery slope’ arguments are always correct.

They have more free time

By saying ‘Wear that dress’ or ‘Those heels make you look like a whore’ you’re saving women the trouble of making decisions, leaving them free to pursue other interests. Such as ensuring your home is spotless and doing large amounts of unnecessary baking, in a traditional way that fits in with my particular brand of conservative Catholicism but isn’t actually in The Bible.

Women cannot be trusted to go out

When Usha goes out, I do the responsible thing and ask: ‘Who are you meeting? Are any of them men? Are you planning to have sex with them?’ She can be quite disrespectful in her replies, but it’s the only way to ensure she won’t end up writhing in adulterous pleasure with some well-hung young stud every time she leaves the house.

You sound like a big man

Male friends are deeply impressed when, apropos of nothing, you announce you won’t let your wife buy anything without your permission, or similar. Are any of them secretly thinking ‘Jeez, what a pathetic asshole’? Unlikely. I’ll check if I ever have any friends.

It’s only feminism that makes them want free will

I’ve spoken out before about the sexual revolution, and to this day feminism is brainwashing women into thinking they don’t want to be stay-at-home baby factories. I’m not saying they shouldn’t make any decisions at all – as I’ve said to Usha, ‘You are free to breastfeed and change nappies without consulting me’. Respect is a two-way street.

Women are basically children

Like children gorging on sweets, women do things they don’t realise are bad for them. That’s why we’ve agreed Usha shouldn’t use the internet unsupervised. It’s nothing to do with the very real possibility that if she keeps seeing those fat boy memes of me, eventually she’ll think: ‘Shit! Why haven’t I divorced this petulant little dick?’

In the early morning, women take purifying baths, wear new clothes and bangles, and apply red vermilion to their foreheads. Nine types of fruits and nine types of flowers are offered to the Goddess Savitri.

The women fast from sunrise to sunset. During the day they pray for their husbands to have a long life, and listen to the tale of Savitri,  who saved her husband Satyavan from being taken by the death god.

Savitri was the beautiful daughter of King Aswapati of Madra Desa. She had chosen Satyaban as her life partner. Satyaban was a prince in exile who was living in the forest with his blind father. Savitri left her palace to live with her husband and his father in the forest. She was a devoted wife and daughter-in-law, going to great lengths to take care of them.

One day while cutting wood in the forest, Satyaban’s suddenly weak, collapsed and died. As Savitri rushed to the dead body of her husband, Yamraj, the death God, appeared to take away his soul. Savitri pleaded to Yamraj not to be separated from her husband. She implored the god that if he takes her husband’s soul of her husband, hers should be taken too. Yamraj was so moved by the devotion of Savitri, that he returned the life of her husband.

A WOMAN who has split up with her hopeless loser of a boyfriend is searching for a new man who is functionally identical, she has confirmed.

Hannah aged 28, not her real name or age, ended her relationship with Nathan Muir because he was insensitive, emotionally stunted, preferred hanging out with his mates to her and was lazy, then proceeded to outline those same qualities as what she is looking for.

She said: “I like a man’s man, not some emotional melt who clings to me like a limpet and embarrasses me in public.

“I can’t stand all that ‘and how are you feeling?’ and asking if it’s my time of the month like he’s my therapist. My next boyfriend will give me my space, and he’ll have his own friends for football or whatever so I can have nights with my girls.

“I want someone laid-back who doesn’t mind lazy weekends binging telly with me, rather than these active types always pushing to go on hikes or shit like the theatre. And yeah Nathan cheated, but a man who other women aren’t chasing is ugly. Not into that.

“Yes, all of that could describe Nathan. But what I want is that, but different.”

Friend Karen, not her real name,  said: “Han lurches from one crap boyfriend to another like the Conservative Party chooses new leaders. She never learns.

“At least I don’t have to feel guilty any more for shagging Nathan behind her back. Did I mention he’s got a willy like a conger eel?”

In announcing this new holiday, Prime Minister Sitiveni Rabuka said: “They were starting a new life in an unknown land and stayed to become an integral part of our country. I reconfirm my promise to inaugurate a new national holiday in 2023.”

The word girmit represented an Indian pronunciation of the English language word “agreement” – from the indenture “agreement” of the British Government with Indian labourers. The agreements specified the workers’ length of stay in foreign parts and the conditions attached to their return to the British Raj.

The colonial authorities promoted the sugar cane industry, recognising the need to establish a stable economic base for the colony, but were unwilling to exploit indigenous labour and threaten the Fijian way of life. The use of imported labour from the Solomon Islands and what is now Vanuatu generated protests in the United Kingdom, and the Governor Sir Arthur Hamilton-Gordon decided to implement the indentured labour scheme, which had existed in the British Empire since 1837.

The Leonidas, a labour transport vessel, disembarked at Levuka from Calcutta on May 14th 1879. The 498 indentured workers who disembarked were the first of over 61,000 to arrive from South and East Asia in the following 37 years. The majority were from the districts of eastern and southern provinces, followed by labourers from northern and western regions, then later south eastern countries, they originated from different regions, villages, backgrounds and castes that later mingled or intermarried hence the “Fijian Indian” identity was created. The indentured workers originated mostly from rural village backgrounds.

After five years of work in the cane fields, the British freed the girmits from bonded labour but did not offer them a passage back. So, most of them stayed back and by the mid-1980s their descendants through hard work and education have made a mark in Fiji dominating business and professional fields.

By this time Indo-Fijians made up 49% of the population but indigenous Fijians controlled land ownership.  In April 1987, for the first time since independence in 1970, Fiji elected a multi-ethnic Fiji Labour Party to power supported mainly by Indo-Fijian voters but led by indigenous Fijian academic Dr Timoci Bavadra. Most of the Cabinet however were Indo-Fijians.

Paraguay is a landlocked country in South America, bordered by Brazil to the east, Argentina to the south and west, and Bolivia to the northwest. Before the arrival of Europeans, the territory was inhabited by various indigenous peoples, including the Guarani, who still make up a significant portion of the population today.

Paraguay was first colonised by the Spanish in the 16th century. The settlement of Asunción, now the capital of Paraguay, was founded by the Spanish on Ascension Day (August 15th) 1537.

There are two theories about where the name “Paraguay” comes from. One version says it means either “River of the Payaguas”, an Indian tribe, or “crowned river” after the native Indian Guaraní words for palm crown and water. A more colourful versions is that there was a parrot named Frank that the first Jesuit settlers befriended when they arrived in the region. To back up this theory, on old maps, Paraguay was labelled as “Parrot”.

The region had shown dissent against the Spanish for several years and tension had risen in the early years of the nineteenth century due to the growing influence of Argentina in the area.

Some bad decisions by the Governor had weakened Spanish presence, which was already affected by the Napoleonic Wars, enabling the Paraguayans, led by a lawyer, Dr José Gaspar Rodríguez de Francia., to overthrow the Spanish in a fairly bloodless revolution on May 14th 1811.

As a result, Paraguay became the second independent nation in the new world – the United States was the first. Dr Francia became the first President of Paraguay, ruling from 1814 to 1840.

He was influential in the design of the flag of Paraguay, which uniquely is the only national flag in the world that has a different image on each side. In the center of one side is the Paraguayan coat of arms, and on the opposite, the treasury seal with the national motto: “Paz y justicia” (“Peace and Justice”).

SHE is so lovely and she has captured your soul. But as you’ve never exchanged a single word, how to tell her? Would staring like a pervert do it? Let’s hope so:

Show stamina

Ladies love two things – commitment and six-hour tantric sex sessions. Show her you stay the distance like Sting by maintaining fixed, prolonged eye contact. It’s sending a message that you can engage in unpleasant tasks like cunnilingus or marriage for long periods and will not blink in the face of fear or dry eyes. Watch her swoon!

Ignore everything she says

Unused to the new love soaring in her heart, afraid of being overwhelmed with euphoria, she may push it away with cruel words. Remarks like ‘Is that man staring at me?’ or ‘Why is his face twitching like that?’ or ‘Can we move tables?’ are only to test your devotion. Do not allow your eyes to flicker while she falls beneath their spell.

Never speak

Whenever you speak to women, you say the wrong thing. Apparently. They say so, anyway. So best to remain silent, mysterious and intense as if you were in a Bond film or a Netflix true crime documentary. Women love bad boys, like Heathcliff or a 46-year-old single man holding a carrier bag of his possessions at the bus stop.

And never smile

If you smile and she doesn’t return it? That’s awkward. Because then you can’t stop smiling and have to maintain a rictus grin and you begin to resemble the Joker, and not in a sexy way. Maintain an impassive expression open to interpretation. It will make her wonder what deep and meaningful thoughts you are having. She’ll soon just have to ask.

Move your stare with her

Show her that you would make such a dedicated partner that you go wherever she leads, like a tango. But only at a discreet distance of 30 feet or so, acting like it was where you were going anyway. If she phones a boyfriend who then holds you up against a wall, that is a sign that perhaps she’s not ready for the depth of your mutual passion. For now.

Saint Peter de Regalado is a local public holiday in Valladolid, the capital of the Spanish autonomous community of Castile and León on May 13th each year.

San Pedro Regalado was a Franciscan monk who lived in the 15th century and was canonised for his charitable actions, his dedication to the poor and his miraculous works. 

He was born in 1390 and was baptised in the current church of San Salvador, which at that time was called the church of Santa Elena.

He was beatified by Pope Innocent XI on March 11th 1684 and canonized by Pope Benedict XIV on June 29th 1746.

Castile and León is an autonomous community in north-western Spain. It is Spain’s largest region and was created in 1983.

In Samoa, the value and importance of raising a family and honouring your parents is shown by making the Mondays after Mother’s Day and Father’s Day public holidays.

The date of Mother’s Day is the same as the day popularised in the USA by Miss Anna Jarvis.

In 1907, Miss Jarvis began a movement to set up a national Mother’s Day in honour of her mother. Anna’s mother, Mrs Anna M. Jarvis, had been instrumental in developing “Mothers Friendship Day” which was set up to assist in the healing process after the Civil War. Miss Jarvis wanted to set aside a day to honour all mothers, living and dead.

The first Mother’s Day observance was a church service favourite the second anniversary of her mother’s death, the second Sunday of May. By 1911, Mother’s Day had spread nationwide and was being celebrated in almost every state in the Union.

A WOMAN spring cleaning the flat she shares with her partner has decided that means chucking out all his stuff she does not see the point of.

Emma, not her real name, felt her clean and declutter should not involve getting rid of any of her own possessions, and she would instead do partner Tom, not his real name, a huge favour by binning most of his ‘old rubbish’.

She said: “The flat’s turning into a tip so I decided to have a sort-out while Tom was at work.

“Obviously my old psychology textbooks from uni are staying, plus childhood storybooks which hold so many memories, and a few other essentials. Is having four make-up bags excessive? Does he want me to stay young-looking and attractive? There’s your answer.

“Tom, on the other hand, really doesn’t need three guitars – he can only ever play one at a time – and he’s surely outgrown that bloody PlayStation now he’s 35. Ditto all those CDs and DVDs of his.

“I hope he’ll be pleased when he gets home from work and sees I’ve transformed the place. Although there’ll still be no space in the wardrobe for his clothes.”

He said: “Emma said she’s having a spring clean on her day off today, bless her. She’ll have fun swishing a duster round and hoovering under the bed.

“She can finally get round to chucking out some of her shit that’s cluttering the place up. So long as she’s careful cleaning around my Gibson Custom 1957 Les Paul and doesn’t rearrange my Grand Theft Auto games in the wrong order that will be great.”

Around the world, Father’s Day is celebrated on different dates, though the day is celebrated in a similar manner, usually involving giving gifts to fathers and family activities.

The Father’s Day initiative in Romania seems to come from the tireless energy of a semi-obscure NGO called TATA, translated as the “Alliance Fighting Discrimination Against Fathers,” who, according to a journalist at an English-language Romanian newspaper I contacted, “convinced a group of MPs in 2010 about the importance of this law, and then had the MPs pass the law.” But she then reassured me the holiday is “not a big thing here.” Another Romanian journalist I asked told me, “I’ve heard about it, but honestly I don’t know anybody celebrating it.” This was not the big groundswell of support I was expecting.

THE hellscape of modern society is the result of decades of dickheads beavering away. But here are six awful aspects your mum blames on you personally.

Spam emails

Your father got an email inviting him to purchase some penis enlargement pills. Your generation’s obsession with sex is what led to him clicking on a dodgy link and divulging his bank details to some foreigner with internet access. Which, incidentally, is another awful thing that’s your fault.

Petrol prices

Back in the old days, petrol was far cheaper. Now, because of inflation and various oil crises, prices at the pump have skyrocketed. You weren’t alive back then, but you are now. Coincidence? Your mum thinks not, and she won’t stop driving or complaining until you finally put your philosophy degree to good use and bring them down.

Litter

The streets are filthy, especially in cities where the young live. As an important figure within the under-60 age bracket, why, exactly, haven’t you urged today’s youth to clean up their act? And get those kids to pull up their trousers, while you’re at it.

AI chatbots

Nowadays it’s impossible to get hold of someone on the phone and shout at them when you have a problem. Instead, you’re forced to converse with a stupid AI chatbot that can’t even flinch from your bellowing. It’s young people like you with your woke sensibilities who have turned complaining into a chore rather than a pleasure.

People playing videos on public transport

Your mum is happy to endlessly swipe through knitting patterns on Instagram, but she would never play them out loud on the train. And in the quiet carriage, no less! How could you be so selfish as to invent the endless scroll and make the volume button so small and fiddly?

Hospital waiting times

According to the way your parents tell it, in the 70s you could turn up at the (white, male) doctor’s house any time of day or night and he’d sort you out. Now you have to go to A&E and wait for hours to see a so-called ‘physician’ who might have long hair or even a nose ring. Assisted dying can’t come soon enough.

At a speech in Paris in 1950, Robert Schuman, the then French foreign minister, set out his idea for a new form of political cooperation in Europe, which would benefit the participating countries economically and reduce the chance of any future war between Europe’s nations.

His vision was to create a European institution that would pool and manage coal and steel production. 

The idea of the community was that its founding members – France, Germany, Italy, the Netherlands, Belgium and Luxembourg – would pool their coal and steel resources and create a common market for them by lifting import and export duties.

A treaty creating such a body was signed in Paris just under a year later. Schuman’s proposal is considered to be the beginning of what is now the European Union.

The first recognition of a “Europe Day” was introduced by the Council of Europe in 1964. The “Europe Day” on 9th May was introduced in 1985 by the European Communities.

A MAN has forgotten how to be an underperforming drone after the four-day Easter weekend, it has emerged.

A long weekend of lying on the sofa and eating chocolate has resulted in Martin, not his real name, not remembering how to fall short of his ‘key performance indicators’ and risk being laid off during the next round of redundancies.

He said: “I knew something was off when I confidently walked into the office early. That’s so unlike me.

“My suspicions grew as I promptly replied to emails, organised my to-do list, and whipped up a presentation of budget-saving measures the company could easily implement. Usually it takes me all morning to turn my computer on.

“I tried to get back into the swing of things by sending emails without the necessary attachments and taking lengthy toilet breaks, but it’s no use. I stupidly got a raise after coming up with profitable ideas during this morning’s team meeting.

“Am I ever going to remember how to fill in a spreadsheet incorrectly or miss a deadline? Or am I doomed to a successful career of spouting corporate jargon and being respected by my awful colleagues? Christ I hope not.”

Marttin’s boss Kah Pau said: “I understand Martin’s concern. But once he’s burnt out he’ll go back to being an unproductive husk.”

Pope Leo XIV is the 267th Pope and replaced Pope Francis, who had been Pope since 2013 until he died in 2025.

He is the first American to fill the role of Pope, although he is considered as much a cardinal from Latin America because of the many years he spent as a missionary in Peru, before becoming a bishop there.

Born in Chicago in 1955 to parents of Spanish and Franco-Italian descent, Prevost served as an altar boy and was ordained as a priest in 1982. Although he moved to Peru three years later, he returned regularly to the US to serve as a pastor and a prior in his home city.

He has Peruvian nationality and is fondly remembered as a figure who worked with marginalised communities and helped build bridges.

He spent 10 years as a local parish pastor and as a teacher at a seminary in Trujillo in northwestern Peru.