Occasional Digest

Thursday 2 July National Anthem and Flag Day in Curaçao

Located in the south Caribbean Sea, Curaçao is a constituent country of the Kingdom of the Netherlands.

Designed by Martin Den Dulk, the country’s flag was adopted on July 2nd 1984,.

The blue symbolizes the sky and sea, and the yellow stripe, the sunshine that bathes the island. The two stars represent the islands Curacao and Klein Curacao.

The words of the original ‘Anthem of Curaçao’ were written by Friar Radulphus in 1898. Until a new melody was written for it in 1930, the words were sung to the tune of the Dutch National anthem. In 1978 the lyrics were rewritten, as the original lyrics were seen as a bit ‘colonial’.

Flag Day is celebrated with official ceremonies and cultural events at Plaza Brion and the Village of Barber.

Throuples are solution to cost of living crisis

YOUNG Britons are entering into three-way romantic and sexual relationships because they are a great way to keep rent and bills down.

Gen Z has confessed that going out with two people simultaneously is nothing but hassle, but a third income means a third person to split the cost of hummus with.

Marketing executive Sophie, not her real name, 26, said: “I make out it’s a wild adventure in ethical non-monogamy, but in reality the most arousing part is we can afford three streaming subscriptions.

“Everyone imagines the three of us sharing a bed in endless new erotic configurations. Actually we’re snuggling for warmth. It’s less PornHub fantasy and more the grandparents in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

“Plus two women on one dick means we get more nights off. What makes an ideal third? Mature, employed, solvent. Jayden has Tesco Clubcard points and a car. That’s a man worth going halves on.

“It’s a committed relationship, we’re paying council tax together. And there are never arguments about jealousy or trust issues, only about who used the last of the milk.”

Married man Martin, not his real name, aged 40, said: “I’ve been trying to persuade my wife to include a third in our relationship. But tragically, our earnings are high enough to comfortably pay the mortgage.”

Wednesday 1 July Sir Seretse Khama Day in Botswana

Seretse Khama was born on July 1st 1921 at Serowe, the Protectorate of Bechuanaland (now Botswana).  Seretse Khama was the grandson and heir of King Khama III, who died in 1923. The Bangwato family of which Seretse Khama was the heir were hereditary rulers of the Protectorate. In 1925 Seretse Khama was made King, his uncle acting as regent.

Khama was training as a barrister in London after the Second World War, where he met and married Ruth Williams, a white English commoner. The story of Seretse Khama and Ruth Williams was depicted in the 2016 film, ‘A United Kingdom’.

His marriage caused great difficulties for him at home and he was exiled in 1951.

The apartheid government of South Africa put pressure on Britain to remove Khama’s chieftainship. A judicial inquiry declared him to be perfectly fit for the job, but this was hushed up to appease the South Africans.

Kahama returned to Bechuanaland in 1956 as a private citizen. Free to enter politics, he formed the Bechuanaland Democratic Party, won the elections and led the way to independence, becoming his country’s first President. He remained in the post until his death, aged only 59, in 1980. He created a multiracial democratic society and is considered as one of the great successes of this era of African politics.

His son, Ian Khama, became Botswana’s fourth president in 2008, serving for two terms.

Tuesday 30 June Commemoration of the Freedom in British Virgin Islands

The holiday marks the commemoration of the 250th Anniversary of Freedom at Nottingham Estate, Long Look.

The Long Look Estate in East End, Tortola, British Virgin Islands, claims to be the oldest free black community in the Western world.

In 1776 Samuel Nottingham, a Quaker, manumitted 25 slaves and gave them 50 acres (200,000 m2) of land in Long Look in Tortola, directing them to cultivate it for the common good. 

Quakers were prominent in the abolition movement; Nottingham’s action pre-dates the foundation of the Society for Effecting the Abolition of the Slave Trade by more than a decade.

Monday 29 June Saint Peter and Saint Paul around the world

Peter was the leader of the apostles and the first pope. Paul was born Saul, but converted to Christianity on the road to Damascus.

They had been imprisoned in the infamous Mamertine Prison of Rome and both had foreseen their approaching death. It is said that they were martyred at the command of Emperor Nero.

Even though they were killed on the same day, their method of execution would have differed.

Saint Peter was crucified, whereas Saint Paul would have been beheaded with a sword as he was a Roman citizen and afforded a quicker execution.

It is said of Peter that he was crucified head downward as he didn’t feel worthy of being crucified in the same way as Jesus.

On June 29th, coastal and island communities may decorate their boats and wharves to give praise to St. Peter, who was the patron saint of fishermen. St. Paul was known for his handcraft.

This is probably one of the oldest feast days celebrated in the Christian calendar. In 2010, images of Peter and Paul were found on the wall of catacombs dating back to the 4th Century AD.

The feast of St Peter and St Paul is known as a ‘Solemnity’. For Catholics, this means they can eat meat on the day, even if it falls on Friday when normally fish would be eaten.

Only well-off people spontaneous

SPONTANEITY is limited to people who have the financial means to go on exciting adventures at the last minute, it has emerged.

Research has confirmed that visiting a trendy restaurant on a whim or booking an impromptu skiing holiday to La Bresse is the preserve of high-earners and those with a sickening amount of inherited wealth.

Professor Frost, not her real name, of the Institute for Studies said: “The last time a poor person was spontaneous was in 2006. And they died shortly afterwards from the stress of having no money left.

“Unlike the wealthy, everyone else has to carefully ration their pennies for big expenses like a train journey in six months’ time, or for that matter a big bar of Dairy Milk. Even an unscheduled half could leave them struggling to afford shoes.

“If you can afford to impulsively swing by the cinema or have a weekend break in Madrid you’re in the top one per cent. Why not spontaneously donate some money to charity, or isn’t that fun enough for you?

“Going to Japan should be a once-in-a-lifetime experience, not something you randomly do next week because you’re bored. For normal people, being spontaneous is buying apple-scented washing-up liquid instead of their usual lemon. Provided it’s just as cheap.”

Well-off person Francesca Johnson said: “Have poor people considered owning a large property portfolio or being the privately-educated child of a celebrity? Then they could do whatever they want whenever they like.”

Sunday 28 June St. Vitus’ Day around the world

Saint Vitus was a Christian saint from Sicily. He died as a martyr during the persecution of Christians by co-ruling Roman Emperors Diocletian and Maximian in 303. 

In the late Middle Ages, people in Germany celebrated the feast of Vitus by dancing before his statue. This dancing became popular and the name “Saint Vitus Dance” was given to the neurological disorder Sydenham’s chorea.

The Battle of Kosovo took place on St. Vitus’ Day (June 15th in the Julian calendar) 1389 between an army led by the Serbian Prince Lazar Hrebeljanović and an invading army of the Ottoman Empire. 

While the Ottomans suffered huge losses, they eliminated all of Prince Lazar’s forces. This led to Ottoman control in the region which lasted for several centuries.

How to share someone else’s bad news without looking too excited about it

WHEN events such as divorce, redundancy and disastrous tweakments befall other people it’s natural to be excited. Here’s how to yap about it without sounding too pleased.

Choose your audience

Personal problems should be handled with sensitivity, so make sure you only tell people who are as desperate as you for all the gory details and therefore won’t notice your glee as much. It could be a mutual friend, family member, or, with the juiciest bad news, the whole of a train carriage while you’re telling your partner over the phone.

Talk about something else first

Barrelling in with news of misfortune is tempting, but could make you look too enthusiastic, bordering on callous. Ideally, open a conversation with harmless chat about something unrelated like holiday plans or the big woodlouse you spotted in your bathroom this morning. Then you can launch into The Big News without looking like a bastard.

Give the impression this is hard to say

You can also faff around a bit before you deliver the news to build anticipation. Say things like ‘I don’t know how to say this…’ or ‘I’m not sure I should be telling you this…’. Your gossip-based edging will have the audience desperate for joyful relief.

Express your own deep shock

While discussing the delicious trauma of someone else, establish that you were knocked sideways by the news. Emphasise how shocked/appalled/saddened (delete as inapplicable) you were to hear about this absolute banger of a bombshell involving an affair or holiday disaster. This will make you seem like a decent human being capable of empathy. Which of course you are; empathy makes the whole tale of woe more gripping.

Check that people want to hear the details

Of course they want to know every grimy, tragic detail of the gossip, but if you ask people if they ‘really want to hear this’ that makes them the sick one for ghoulishly wanting to know.

Stop to breathe between sentences

If the news is as thrilling as a perfect couple splitting up or a friend’s teen being arrested for arson, it can be hard to take a breath. Try not to garble your words, shriek with excitement, or talk so fast your body enters a state of anaerobic respiration. Calmness will convey that you are merely a reluctant vessel for this news, rather than its greatest cheerleader.

Ask people to keep it quiet

Discretion is expected in sensitive matters like these. When asking people not to spread the news further, try channeling the air of a diplomat handling a delicate political issue, or simply imagine you aren’t a horrible gossip. In truth it doesn’t matter, because you both know the listener will soon be revelling in someone’s husband turning out to be a regular at gay clubs in exactly the same way you are.

Saturday 27 June Independence Day in Djibouti

Djibouti had been under French colonial control since 1888. In 1946 it was made an overseas territory within the French Union with its own legislature and representation in the French parliament.

It was known as French Somaliland until 1967 when it was renamed French Territory of the Afars and the Issas.

In 1958, as independence for Somalia neared, a referendum was held to decide whether the territory should remain with France or join the Somali Republic. The outcome was a vote in favour of staying as part of France.

In 1967, a second referendum was held and again results indicated that the majority wanted to continue with ties to France.

In both the 1958 and 1967 referendums there have been accusations that the outcome of the voting was rigged in favour of remaining with France.

On May 8th 1977, a third referendum took place. This time, an overwhelming 98.8% of the electorate voted for independence from France and thus, on June 27th 1977, Djibouti became the last of France’s African colonies to gain independence.

Hassan Gouled Aptidon, who had played a leading role in the campaign for the yes vote in the referendum of 1958, eventually became Djibouti’s first president.

The origin of the name Djibouti is unclear. One proposed theory is that it comes from “gabouti”, a type of doormat made of palm fibres. Other theories are that it is named for the killing of a legendary terrifying beast, or that it was named after the Egyptian god of the moon.

Independence Day is marked with a military parade in the country’s capital, Djibouti City. The national army, led by a colourful marching band, puts new units and equipment on display to the public. After the parade, political leaders give speeches in front of the Presidential Palace.

Other celebrations include fireworks, fairs and music performances in cities and towns across Djibouti. It is a custom to eat traditional meals like Skudahkhrais (Djiboutian lamb stew) served with a delicious, crispy Sabaayad flatbread.

Toddler allowed screen time if it’s prestige dramas

A SMALL child is allowed as much TV and tablet time as they like if they are watching an iconic BAFTA or Emmy-winning drama.

Caden’s, not his real name,  middle-class parents introduced the rule after noticing that content made for children lacked the challenging themes and overarching storylines that would set their child apart from the herd.

Mum Inge, not her real name, said: “The advice is to limit how many cartoons children watch in a day, but they didn’t say anything about acclaimed live-action series such as Succession.

“Shows like Bluey and Paw Patrol are just empty calories. To truly appreciate television as an art form he needs to see the greatest series of the last 20 years – The WireThe West WingMad Men. Don’t worry, we’ll circle back to Edge of Darkness and The Singing Detective.

“It’s slow-going, as he often doesn’t have the attention span to sit through the hour-long episodes, but so far he’s watched all of Breaking Bad and The Sopranos. I’ve promised him that if he’s good he can watch 3 Body Problem next.”

Caden, three, is now becoming an expert on key dramatic principles such as foreshadowing and making characters morally ambiguous rather than two-dimensional.

He said: “Tony Soprano is a bad man but he likes ducks. That means me hitting my sister is fine because I like our neighbour’s dog.”

Friday 26 June Armed Forces Day in Azerbaijan

In May 1918 Azerbaijan had declared its independence from the Transcaucasian Democratic Federative Republic after the collapse of the Russian Empire, forming the Azerbaijan Democratic Republic.

To protect the new nation, on June 26th 1918, a Muslim Corps, established by a decision of the Special Transcaucasian Committee, was renamed to the Detached Corps of Azerbaijan. 

The Military Ministry was established in August 1918, but the renaming of the soldiers is seen as the birth of the Azerbaijani Armed Forces.

Around 25,000 soldiers were recruited and the government allocated 24% of the state budget for military purposes. By August 1 of the same year, the newly established Military Ministry took over the armed forces. The first solemn parade of the national army took place in 1919.

In April 1920, the ADR was occupied by the Bolshevik forces, and Azerbaijan was later incorporated into the Soviet Union. After the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991, Azerbaijan formed its independent national army once again.

With the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991, the Armed Forces of Azerbaijan were re-established according to the Law of the Republic of Azerbaijan and this day was recognised when the Supreme Soviet of Azerbaijan passed a law “On the Establishment of the Armed Forces of Azerbaijan”.

In May 1998 according to Decree No. 707 issued by Heydar Aliyev, the President of the Republic of Azerbaijan, June 26th was declared a non-working holiday, the Day of the Armed Forces of Azerbaijan.

The modern armed forces of the Republic of Azerbaijan comprise the Land Forces, the Air and Air Defense Forces, and the Navy. The National Guard, the State Border Service, and the Internal Troops of Azerbaijan are considered associated forces.

Thursday 25 June Ashura around the world

A’ashura was an ancient Judaic feast day of celebration and atonement. It is traditionally the day when the prophet Musa (Moses) freed the Israelites from Egyptian slavery and a day associated with Jesus’ ascension to heaven. It is believed that God saved the prophet Nuh (Noah) and his companions from the genesis flood on this day.

It is better known these days for mourning the martyrdom of Hussain ibn Ali, the grandson of the Islamic Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) at the Battle of Karbala in the year 61 AH (AD 680).

Sunni Muslims believe that Moses fasted on this day to demonstrate his gratitude to God for the deliverance of the Israelites from Egypt. According to Sunni traditions, the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) fasted on this day and encouraged others to fast.

While the word ashura means ‘tenth’ in Arabic and literally translated, means “the tenth day”; Islamic scholars differ on the reason for the naming.

Asure or Noah’s pudding is a dessert of Turkish origin composed of cereals and dried fruits. It is a tradition served on the day of Ashura.

The Turkish legends say that this dish was made by prophet Noah himself when the ark landed on the mountains of Ararat in the Armenian highlands on the 10th day of Muharram. As the ark was stuck in the Biblical flood for days, the food supplies were getting scarce. To prevent people from starving, Noah made a mixed porridge with all the leftover ingredients in the ark and fed his people.

As mentioned, many people fast during the day of Ashura, so it makes sense to have such a flavorful and nutritious packed dish to break the fast.

Asure is prepared in large pots and distributed amongst neighbours. According to Islamic scholars, 40 houses in each direction is comprises of a neighbuorhood.

Parents of pretentious teen wish he’d get into beer and football

THE parents of a teenager who opines on Bertolt Brecht and Brutalist buildings wish he would drink cider and vomit at bus stops like his peers.

Inge and Dave, not their real names, hoped their 15-year-old son Julian, who refuses to be referred to as ‘Jules’, was only going through a phase when he began blasting Shostakovich’s 7th through his speakers while ostentatiously flicking through books about Kandinsky.

Sue said: “We were prepared for vaping. We weren’t prepared for him wearing a black – sorry, charcoal – turtleneck while lecturing us on power structures in colonialist literature.

“When we worried about him mixing with the wrong crowd, we didn’t think it would be the attendees at a seminar on Composing Sonic Futures at the Barbican. We blame ourselves for calling him Julian.

“He downs a double espresso before school. He calls football ‘bread and circuses to pacify the proletariat’. He’s 15. He should be unconscious in a hedge, not telling the neighbours that their hedge is an outdated expression of English class anxiety.

“He scoffed at a man wearing Stone Island on the bus for ‘performing masculinity through consumer branding’ which is risky when he’s built like a bookmark.

“I was cleaning his room when I felt something under the mattress. It was Susan Sontag’s Against Interpretation.Annotated. Colour-coded tabs. I sat on the bed and wept. You hear about this stuff as a parent, but never think it’ll happen to you.”

Jules said: “Mum and Dad have suggested a lads’ holiday with my friends. A Bauhaus walking tour in Berlin beckons.”

Wednesday 24 June St. John’s Day around the world

Usually, a saint’s feast day is celebrated on the day that the saint died. St. John along with the Virgin Mary are the only two saints whose birthdays are celebrated.

St. John’s death (August 29th) is also marked by Roman Catholic and Orthodox churches.

The feast day of Saint John the Baptist was a popular feast day in many European countries. One reason for this was that its timing coincided nicely with much older pagan holidays that celebrated the summer solstice. It is still celebrated as a religious feast day in several countries, such as Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Finland, Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania and has echos in other holidays such as the Swiss National Day – a central theme in the celebrations is the lighting of bonfires.

It was thought that the Summer solstice was a time when spirits roamed freely, so bonfires were lit to ward off and protect from the evil spirits. Later on, the solstice was seen as a time when witches or even dragons needed to be kept at bay with a bonfire.

John the Baptist is described in the Gospel of Luke as a relative of Jesus who led a movement of baptism at the Jordan River. Most scholars agree that John baptized Jesus by wading into the water with Jesus from the eastern bank of the river.

John is probably best known for foretelling of the Messiah, which in the New Testament predicted the coming of Jesus.

According to the Gospel of Mark, John is imprisoned by Herod for denouncing Herod’s incestuous marriage. John condemned Herod for marrying Herodias (his niece) in violation of Old Testament Law. After Herodias’s daughter Salome has danced before Herod, he grants her a favour. Herodias tells her to ask for the head of John the Baptist, which is delivered to her on a plate.

St. John the Baptist is the patron Saint of Turin.

His feast day is also celebrated in Quebec as the Fete Nationale du Quebec.

Monday 22 June June Day in Newfoundland and Labrador

John Cabot (Giovanni Caboto) was a Venetian explorer and navigator. Inspired by Columbus’ recent voyages to the west, Cabot received funding from Henry VII of England to explore for new lands in 1496. Cabot made his first expedition in the summer of 1496, leaving from Bristol, England, but he ran into bad weather and short of supplies, he turned back to England.

The second expedition left Bristol on 2 May 1497 in a ship called ‘Matthew’ and made landfall somewhere on the coast of North America on 24 June 1497 (St. John’s Day). This discovery marked the first Europeans to set foot on the North American continent since the Vikings in the 11th century.

Though historians have argued where exactly Cabot made landfall, in 1997 the Canadian and UK governments designated Cape Bonavista in Newfoundland as the official place of Cabot’s landing.

Discovery Day had been a statutory holiday from 1962 until 1992, when it was removed from the Shops Closing Act.

Since 1997, Discovery Day has also been known as Cabot 500 Day marking the 500th anniversary of the discovery.

Flight attendants, and other women your boyfriend saves a creepy little smile for

THAT sickly, ingratiating grin isn’t for everyone. It isn’t for you. It seems to specifically be for women employed to serve him, like these:

Waitresses

Over she comes, asking if you’d like more drinks, and there his face goes. His voice drops an octave, his mouth contorts into a strange shape and his eyes meet hers with full force. He knows you’re sitting there but can’t help simper about how wonderful the Aperol spritz he was just whinging about is. She doesn’t react. She sees this every day.

Flight attendants

Children are less needy for attention than boyfriends on long-haul flights. She’s forced to endure his requests for pillows and flight information and has to remind him to fasten his seatbelt every time because it means she looks at his crotch. He spends eight hours with an insincere smirk screwed to his face, swapping it for a face like a slapped arse the moment he disembarks.

Nurses

Nursing staff are under enough pressure without having to deal with a man with an unnatural beam fixating on them. You can’t visit an elderly relative without him flashing a sordid smile at every one that passes and boasting of his own good health which, given the circumstances, is pretty f**king tasteless.

Police officers

There’s a little back-and-forth going here: his soulless smile is acknowledging her power over him but finding it sexy, while she’d love to club him unconscious but isn’t allowed. You’re the witness to this unsavoury interaction and keep being glanced at as if the nauseating expression on his face is your fault, rather than a borderline sex crime.

Barmaid

The woman pulling pints is the female worker your boyfriend saves his creepiest smile for. Because he’s in a pub, he thinks there’s an extra level of sickly behaviour allowable. Fortunately an in-built resistance to pervy boyfriends is part of the job and she ignores his fixed grim becoming a little more grotesque with each pint. She isn’t paid enough.

Sunday 21 June Andean New Year in Bolivia

In the Southern Hemisphere, the longest night of the year takes place on June 21st, the winter solstice. Since ancient times, knowledge of the changing seasons was vital to farmers in the region. No more so, than in the harsh highlands of the Andes. The winter solstice marked a welcome end to Winter and also the start of the new agricultural season.

The word Solstice comes from the Latin ‘solstitium’ meaning ‘Sun stands still’ because the movement of the Sun’s path north or south appears to stop before changing direction

At key places such as Tiwanaku, the imposing megalithic structures are said to have been designed with astronomical dates in mind, such as the Gate of the Sun, whose markings are meant to represent the solstices and equinoxes. Even today, the ruins at Tiwanaku is the main venue for marking the solstice with thousands of Bolivians and tourists coming to see the early morning sunrise on June 21st.

The new declaration of the new holiday has not been without its opponents. Only 20% of the population of Bolivia would be considered ethnically Aymaran, so it has been questioned as to why the whole country, consisting of over 30 ethnic groups, gets a holiday to mark this regional cultural event. Others have pointed out that there is little evidence that the Aymarans celebrated the winter solstice.

As Aymara New Year a national holiday, all public and private institutions, companies and schools will be closed on this day.

45-year-old who says girls in their 20s are mature asked how many men in their 20s he hangs out with

A 45-YEAR-OLD who exclusively dates women in their 20s while claiming they are ‘emotionally mature’ does not seem to have any male friends of that age.

Marketing consultant Anthony, not his real name,  was explaining the 20-something women he dates provide ‘fresh perspectives’, ‘wisdom beyond their years’ and ‘a refreshing lack of emotional baggage and cellulite’ when asked why all his male friends are his age.

He said: “Young women are fascinating. Goddesses who introduce me to new music, new ideas and it’s so cute that they don’t remember 2004.

“But young men? They mature later. They’re still filming themselves falling off things. What would we even talk about? Football? I prefer more intellectual pursuits, like telling 22-year-olds about my Porsche while staring at their cleavage.

“A 27-year-old woman is an old soul but still refreshingly carefree and not weighed down by the cynicism of age. That won’t happen for another three years. But a 27-year-old bloke is a f**king moron.

“His brain won’t even finish developing for another eight years. A 25-year-old woman, meanwhile, has an original outlook on life and incredibly firm…opinions. Firm opinions.”

“Any young girl – sorry, woman – who dates me recognises that she’s too sophisticated for guys her own age. Though if she turns me down she’s too immature to realise what’s good for her.”

Saturday 20 June National Flag Day in Argentina

The national flag of Argentina dates from 1812. It is a triband, with three equally wide horizontal bands of light blue, white and light blue. In 1818, a ‘ Sun of May’ was added to the center.

The flag with the sun is the Official Ceremonial Flag. The flag without the sun is considered to be the Ornamental Flag. While both versions can be said to be the national flag, the ornamental version must always be hoisted below the Official Ceremony Flag.

During the Argentine War of Independence General Belgrano was leading a battle near Rosario. He noticed that both the Crown’s forces and the independence forces were using the same colors (Spain’s yellow and red).

After realizing this, Belgrano created a new flag using the colors that were used by the Criollos during the May Revolution in 1810.

Though Argentina has one of the most recognizable national flags, the original flag was quite different from the current one: it had two vertical stripes, one blue and the other one white.

The flag was first flown, on February 27th 1812, on the Batería Libertad, by the Paraná River.

How to smoothly move on from a failed attempt at sexting to discussing the weather

TRIED to spice things up with dirty texts and been rebuffed? Here’s how to move onto a much safer topic: the British weather.

Tell your partner they misunderstood

When you asked if she was wet, what you meant was ‘due to the downpour we just had’. If you requested shower pics, you meant her in a charming mac caught in an April shower. Sadly you have now condemned yourself to receiving and commenting on ‘adorable’ pictures of her whenever she gets caught in the rain. Get ready with those ‘likes’.

Show concern

You only wanted to know what he was wearing to make sure it was climate-appropriate. The same with telling him he was ‘hot’. You just were trying to persuade him to wear a sun hat and cooling lightweight clothing. How could you worrying about heatstroke and dehydration be misconstrued as sexual? Shore up this gaslighting by asking if he’s ever been treated for sex addiction.

Blame the seasons and your allergies

Alright, you were a bit forward, but it’s the weather. The warmer temperatures have caused the flowers to bloom and release pollen and it’s made you delirious with hayfever. So let’s talk about that and not that dick pic you sent. Admitted this is the first case of hayfever to have the same effects as malaria, but you don’t have many options. Maybe you can convince her you accidentally dropped your phone down your trousers? No, that’s just as bad.

Turn your dirty talk into a weather report

For example: ‘After a warm front, things have turned rather chilly. There’s been a sharp drop in enthusiasm and earlier projections of heavy activity have now been downgraded to light drizzle at best. Conditions are tense but stable. Expect a long dry spell ahead.’ See, this is like a spoof weather report on a comedy show! Ha ha ha! Is he laughing? No, he’s thinking about dating someone less weird.

Never speak of what happened again

Like a sunny spell, your attempt at being sexy came and went and now you’re back to gloom and small talk. Both of you should bury this awkward memory and only talk about the weather from now on. It’s the British way.

Friday 19 June Juneteenth around the world

On January 1st 1863, Abraham Lincoln declared the end of slavery with the Emancipation Proclamation. Two and half years later, and two months after the end of the Civil War, Union troops arrived in Galveston on June 19th 1865 to find that news of the proclamation had not yet reached Galveston and that people were still being held as slaves in Texas.

The leader of the Union Troops, General Gordon Granger then formally announced the emancipation from the balcony of the former Confederate Army headquarters.

Granger’s order was based loosely on Abraham Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation. (The Thirteenth Amendment, which made slavery unconstitutional, wasn’t ratified until December 6, 1865.) The order first declared that the formerly enslaved were free based on “absolute equality of personal rights and rights of property” between Black people and those who had presumed legal ownership of them.

The reason why the news about the emancipation took so long to reach Texas is subject to speculation. One theory is that the messenger who was originally sent with the news had been killed before he reached Texas. A more likely scenario is that the local slave owners simply held onto the information, ignoring the emancipation order.

Thursday 18 June Hijri New Year in Oman

This day is a public holiday in most Islamic countries and this year’s date for New Year in each country along with the name of the day in that country is shown in the table of countries to the right.

Islamic New Year represents the starting point of the Muslim era as it coincides with the Hijrah, the Prophet’s journey from Mecca to Medina on the first of Muharram in 622 CE.

Prophet Mohammed needed to relocate because somebody had intentions to execute him. Consequently, the Prophet chose to go to a town known as Yathrib, some 320 km north of Mecca. Yathrib is known today as Medina, in modern-day Saudi Arabia, which translates to ‘the city’.

Hijrah gave freedom from suffering for the Muslims in Mecca. When the Prophet emigrated to Medina, Muslims there were indirectly saved from further persecution by the Meccan pagans. 

After the Hijrah, it was then declared by the Prophet in the Constitution of Medina that Muslims are a universal brotherhood with a unique identity in faith and ideology.

Umar ibn Al-Khattab, a close companion of Prophet Muhammad and the second caliph, subsequently adopted Hijrah as the reference point for the Islamic calendar, either in 638 CE or 639 CE. 

The customs of Awal Muharram vary from country to country, though they generally involve attending various religious activities, spiritual singing and religious meetings. The traditions and customs for Muharram also vary between Shia and Sunni Muslims.

For both, the marking of the beginning of the new year is usually quiet, unlike New Year’s celebrations associated with other calendars. It is a time for Muslims to reflect on the passing of time and their own mortality.