WISTFULLY staring at manual workers imagining they have it easier than you? Any one of these good, honest careers would cause your underpaid limbs immense pain:
Gardening
Nothing beats leaving the rat race for a job where you literally touch grass. Charlatans like Monty Don has convinced idiots that gardening is a form of mindfulness and artistic expression, overlooking how much of it is digging, sawing, clipping and lugging around literal sacks of shit. A fortnight of it and you’ll hate plants.
Bartending
Ever been an a night out where you’re not drinking and everyone else is? F**king awful, yeah? That’s every night as a bartender. Spending every night with lager-breathed arseholes and pretending to like them is a skillset office workers simply do not have because they are those arseholes, every Friday night.
Farming
Not everyone wants to follow their primal agricultural instincts, though financiers with untaxed nest eggs are powerfully attracted. The romanticism of owning a farm is sullied by the perpetual whinging farmers are legally obliged to do, about foot-and-mouth or milk prices or the bloody weather. But you’ll be enough like Clarkson to be admired by bigots.
Carpentry
Why not do a reverse Harrison Ford and go from six figures to sawing door jambs? Your current job may not be Hollywood but after a few months at a lathe it will f**king feel like it. Dovetail joints look sexy on Instagram but are an absolute bastard in practice. You’ll wish you were back at your desk, ignoring fine examples of woodworking all around you.
Nursing
After watching The Pitt while commuting, you surely know most of what’s covered in a decade of medical studies. And there’s enough cool in being a caregiver to carry you through graveyard shifts as miserable as an annual conference. Where else but A&E would you find sex toys lodged in funny orifices? Annual conferences, actually.
Scaffolding
Inhaling second-hand vape fumes for eight hours straight is not worth it for being four storeys up. Nor is the risk of an early death worth all-chat about which Marvel superhero has the best tits. It’s hard, all-weather, exhausting, labour. You’ll stare in at offices and wish you could be in there with them. And it’s Captain Marvel, definitely.