THE foundations of a father’s identity have been shaken after he decided to put the heating on before November.
Anthony, not his real name, 47, has started to question every aspect of his existence after he apparently voluntarily reached for the central heating controls and made the house a pleasant temperature, even though by any measure it is still only autumn.
He said: “My kids didn’t nag me into submission, and my wife told me to put a jumper on when she saw what I was doing. What the f**k is going on?
“This isn’t who I am. I’m your typical dad who maintains an inhospitable temperature with an iron fist. Or am I? Perhaps I’ve been living a lie all these years and the facade is finally slipping.
“Was I really born in Islington? Do I actually enjoy listening to reggae and cheering on the Gunners, or is that all a sham as well? Maybe I’m actually a 16th century French courtesan lost on the dimensional planes.
“Get your shit together, Ant. There’s only so long you can search for answers in the bathroom mirror you’ve headbutted before people start getting suspicious.”
Anthony’s’ daughter Lucy, not her real name, said: “On the one hand dad is a gibbering shell of his former self, but on the other it’s nice and toasty. I prefer him having a terrifying identity crisis.”