A MAN has opted for agonising sunburn after concluding that a male friend applying sun cream would be gay.
Jon, 27, not his real name, was on holiday in Torremolinos when he realised he could not apply sun cream to the whole of his back himself, necessitating a shameful homoerotic experience with one of his mates.
He said: “We’re lads, I can’t let one of them give me an intimate rub-down. I just had to suck it up and get painful burns that increase my risk of skin cancer. There was no other option.
“It’s not just about looking gay, although that’s bad enough. What if I actually enjoyed it? Frankly that’s a door I don’t want to open.
“You think you’re normal, then a man touches you and before you know it you’re having promiscuous gay sex on Hampstead Heath and joining Stonewall. It happens all the time.”
Friend Martin, not his real name, said he would have reluctantly applied the cream, on the condition that Jon allowed him to buy him a pint afterwards, thus rendering the act fully heterosexual.
Jon’s lads’ holiday also included comparing penises in a hotel room, streaking through the lobby and a full-contact wrestling match that ended with him pinned naked to a sun lounger squealing with excitement.
However Jon maintained all of this was “just a laugh”.