THE government’s ‘Be Ready’ campaign is advising Britons on how to prepare for threats like extreme weather and cyber-attacks. Here girlfriend Nikki Hollis interprets that advice.
Stockpile scented candles
The last thing you want if food supplies are cut off is to run out of scented candles. And other people will be stockpiling them too so I’ve ordered 200. Can humans even survive without scented candles? I wouldn’t like to try it.
Don’t forget treats
A national emergency is going to be really depressing so you’ll need regular treats: Maltesers, Percy Pigs, Cadbury Flakes. There was plenty of space in our stockpile once I’d thrown out all the toilet paper and toothpaste my boyfriend bought. I even found room for Lindt chocolate truffles by binning all those matches. They’re dangerous anyway.
Buy conditioner
On the ‘Be Ready’ website it says to buy bathroom products, and guess what, I’d already bought 20 bottles of conditioner! Clearly I’m good at emergency planning because my boyfriend just bought some silly retro wind-up radio. Now is not the time for impulse purchases, sweetie.
Get a pet
If we’re stuck indoors for weeks or months because of a virus or radiation, a pet will cheer us up. My boyfriend says unnecessarily adding an extra mouth to feed is the antithesis of emergency planning, but I disagree. A dog will keep our morale up and if society breaks down we can use him to hunt and fight off intruders. I think a cockapoo is ideal for that.
Make a good playlist
When Britain’s infrastructure has been devastated by a cyber-attack, listening to your favourite songs will keep your spirits up. My boyfriend said: ‘Er, Nikki, you’re not planning to listen to that on Spotify on your phone which needs to be charged, are you?’ But then he’s never appreciated Taylor Swift.
Prioritise healthy food options
I understand we need to stock up on food, but what did my idiot boyfriend buy? Loads of instant noodles and baked beans! That’s just pure carbohydrate! Luckily some of us are a bit more health-conscious, so I replaced it all with lettuce, low-calorie ready meals and some apples. A nuclear war is going to be bad enough without fat thighs.
Have birthday cards
I just know that the moment society starts to collapse I’ll need to send a birthday card. Obviously I don’t know whose birthday it will be, so I bought loads of different ones to avoid giving my dad one with unicorns on. Unfortunately we were running out of space in the stockpile by then, so I threw out all the condoms my boyfriend had bought. I’m sure he’ll understand.