A MAN in his mid-40s has been hospitalised after mistakenly listening to a song released in 2025.
Audit manager Shane, aged 46, not his real name or age, was rushed to A&E after hearing almost two minutes of an empowering and provocative Chappell Roan track whilst popping to the Co-op to pick up some milk.
First responder Emma Bradford said: “Poor guy. His aging immune system was completely unprepared for a suggestive country-pop song backed with electronic hooks.
“Based purely on age, new music that isn’t into the revived shoegaze genre or on heavy rotation on Radio 6 will automatically send his body into shock. Thankfully he wasn’t exposed to Harry Styles’s gender nonconformity, but next time he might not be so lucky.
“Doctors have got him hooked up to a steady drip of Crash Test Dummies and The Longpigs to bring his vitals under control. It’s too early to say if he’ll ever be able to listen to anything this side of Franz Ferdinand’s debut.
“The shop was irresponsible. It was obvious Martin wasn’t ready for provocative lesbian pop hits by his grey temples and the amount of wine he was buying on a Tuesday. They should be like pubs, which haven’t spooked their clientele with new music since 2016.”
Shane said: “It’s not that I’m afraid of new music. I just need to listen to Surfer Rosa 2,000 more times before I’m ready to move on.”