jazz

AS a veteran showbiz reporter, I’m used to free- flowing champagne, egomaniacal celebrities and all-round general excess.

So who knew a Caribbean cruise could beat any A-lister party?

Drawing back the curtains every morning, before me was a beautiful new backdrop. Different every day, and every day seemingly more stunning. No need for Instagram filters.

Not even Paul Daniels in his prime could have mustered up such magic.
Stepping aboard the 5,200-guest Arvia as a cruise virgin, I really did not know what to expect.

Yet absolutely everything on board this P&O Cruises ship — don’t, whatever you do, call it a “big boat” as I did — confounded all expectations.

I had thought, wrongly, I’d be the youngest onboard. How foolish of me.

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From singletons enjoying rum-tasting at 11am to older couples, married 55 years and still finding conversational titbits over the lunch table, my gang included a 22-year-old influencer and a 57-year-old rocker in the shape of Blur’s Alex James (who played a stunning sundowner set one evening).

Also on board were more than 2,000 crew. Which goes some way to explaining the pristine levels of both cleanliness and hospitality.

Each cabin is serviced with a personal “butler” who caters for any whim.

With 30 bars and restaurants on board, endless shops, a gym, spin studio, spa, cinema, four pools and an uber-cool jazz club, you could spend a year on board and yet not repeat the same day twice.

Arvia is also utterly vast.

My Garmin watch tells me I average 15,000 steps a day simply from milling around, getting lost and exploring. On the days we moored up, this rocketed to well over 20,000

The whole mooring bit, naturally, being the very point of a cruise. So after landing in Barbados, we sailed overnight and I awoke in Martinique.

Here, we jumped in a taxi and drove 50 minutes to a Club Med hotel for a day of sunbathing at the picturesque beach club.

Surrounded by turquoise seas and an Insta-worthy backdrop — certainly the influencers among us including ex-Towie star Lydia Bright and MIC’s Ollie Locke were very happy — we enjoyed a rosé-fuelled lunch.

That evening we had dinner at one of the speciality restaurants, Keel and Cow.

The elevated gastro-pub diner may cost a little extra but it is just a little — from £3.50 for a starter of potted chicken and bacon rillette to a melt-in-the-mouth fillet steak for £15.50 that came with chunky chips, onion rings, grilled mushroom and tomato, roasted garlic and an iceberg lettuce wedge with sour cream and bacon crumb — and was well worth the extra cost.

The next morning, I rise early to check the gym. With machines overlooking the gently rolling Caribbean seas, treadmill running, for once, becomes a pleasure, not a pain.

It has everything one might need, plus a full timetable of classes ranging from stretching and Pilates to spin and weights.

As anyone who knows me knows, breakfast is very important to me. I judge places by their fast-breaking offerings. Thankfully, breakfast thrilled.

The Horizon buffet had all the options for a quick brekkie and you could enjoy table service in the main Meridian and Zenith dining rooms.

But it was the 6th Street Diner, an American-themed eatery, that nailed the breakfast brief (think waffles, over-easy eggs, bacon and maple syrup, washed down with endless coffee.)

While there are plenty of included options for dining, it was great to have such a choice if you wanted to spend a little extra. There’s even an extensive room service menu that offers a club sandwich for about £4.

Another joy was sailing around the Caribbean but still only paying in pounds onboard for everything from a beauty must-have in the shops to a drink at the bar.

The biggest jolt of the week, however, came as I went to log on to the wi-fi for the week — £150! Apparently it’s something to do with satellites and lots of other technical jargon, but with my day job kicking off — thank you, Brooklyn Beckham — I had no option but to log in.

Thankfully, P&O offers some great options to buy all-inclusive packages in advance that cost from £49 a day. The Classic includes alcoholic and soft drinks as well as essential wi-fi for browsing and credit towards speciality dining depending on the length of your cruise.

The Deluxe includes a wider range of posh spirits, craft beers and cocktails as well as fast wi-fi for streaming and video calls plus enhanced dining credit.

I’ll know better on my next cruise.

Our next port of call was St Kitts and after we sailed in admiring its verdant hills, off I trotted on a catamaran excursion.

What a day. The pinnacle to the most incredible day’s sailing — one accompanied by a banging Nineties soundtrack and copious amounts of champagne — was a spot of snorkelling before a lobster salad lunch.

That evening we had an incredible dinner at Epicurean, the ship’s fine-dining eatery.

After another day at sea, it was time for another highlight: a speedboat to private island White Bay, off the British Virgin Islands – the stuff of Robinson Crusoe dreams. I really did feel like I’d stepped out on to a movie set.

The Sunset bar proved my favourite way to unwind after another busy-busy day of sunbathing, eating, drinking and experiencing all the tropical delights of the Caribbean.

Forget those red carpets — you can give me a blue sea all day long.