HUMOUR

SURE, the consequences of an affair can be bad, but loads of people seem to be doing it and you’ve got a bad case of FOMO. Here is a beginner’s guide if you’re naturally the monogamous type.

Be more sleazy

Any potential lover needs to be probed with preliminary flirting. You’ll find this embarrassing at first, but it will become second nature. Soon you’ll be able to strike up a conversation with a woman in the queue at Pret and make a conversational leap from ‘Bit of a queue today!’ to ‘Have you got a boyfriend?’ without feeling like an utter dick.

Size up your coworkers

The obvious source of extra-relationship prey is your colleagues, but they have a habit of being happily married or f**king weird. Carry out a risk assessment of each, discarding anyone with a boyfriend in the Royal Marines or so mentally unstable it will be impossible to break it off without finding next door’s cat nailed to your front door.

Cast your net wide

Romantics think an affair is two people being attracted and, while wrestling with their consciences, having secret trysts. It’s great if you have a true soulmate itching to hop into bed with you, but that’s not usually the case and you’ll have to pull someone from scratch with limited free time due to your actual relationship. This may mean lowering your standards a bit. Obesity, Warhammer t-shirts and Wiccan beliefs should no longer be factors in your sexual decisions.

Hit the apps

There are loads of apps for people seeking affairs. Obviously users deliberately seeking out extramarital affairs are not the most trustworthy, reliable people in the world, but who wouldn’t want a romantic encounter that is like Tinder but much worse?

Practise lying

An affair requires a godawful amount of lying, often about things you’d need psychic powers to predict, such as where that Premier Inn biro came from. Start with small things like telling your partner you found a tenner in the street and work your way up. If they genuinely believe you were taken on board a UFO and a glowing alien called Aziah warned you that mankind must stop destroying the environment, your lies about cheating may not need to be too convincing.

Deduct five years from your life

The aforementioned sources of stress, plus always checking for faint traces of perfume, constantly adminning illicit shags and generally living in a state of mild fear, will be playing havoc with your blood pressure. If you want to feel on-trend, maybe just buy some stressed denim.

A FAMILY has been left terrified after a taxi driver joined in their conversation, revealing that he had been listening all along.

Mother Joanna, not her real name, thought that, although he could technically hear, taxi drivers were bound by a code of honour based around switching their ears off to passenger conversation.

She said: “I honestly thought he stopped listening as soon as we gave him the location, with all our other speech just degenerating into white noise unless we issued any further directions. Like our Alexa.

“Imagine my horror when I mentioned the local Co-op being renovated and he suddenly started talking about what he’d read in the paper. Joining in! As though he’s part of the family!

“I was as astonished as a duchess whose gamekeeper had put his muddy boots up on the dining table and started discussing Sheffield Wednesday! Is he expecting to come home with us and help himself to some hot buttered toast and me sexually as well?

“I’m now mentally replaying all the things I said about Clara struggling with her clarinet lessons in case he turns it into vicious gossip and spreads it around the town. I still can’t believe how boldly he replied. Out loud. Using words. Driverless vehicles can’t come soon enough.”

Taxi driver Steve, not his real name, said: “I was hoping we’d get onto the affair her husband was discussing last Thursday, but I couldn’t stop her droning on about the Co-op. She’s pretty boring.”

A MAN is blissfully oblivious to the fact that his wife married him because he was the least worst option at the time.

Jon, not his real name, aged 38, has failed to realise that his wife Hannah only said yes when he popped the question after every other reasonable alternative had been exhausted.

He said: “It’s a romantic story, really. I’d fancied her since school and she’d constantly refused my advances until, after her long-term boyfriend ditched her when she was 34, she suddenly saw how special I was and we started dating.

“She’s since said that I was ‘just in the right place at the right time’. Which I’ve taken to mean she’s glad I was still persistently badgering her when she magically fell head over heels for me. That’s what she meant. Definitely.”

Han said: “I’d moved out of my ex-boyfriend’s place and gone home to my parents for a couple of weeks when this dweeb from school came up to me at the pub and asked me out. In my distress and despair at being alone forever I said yes.

“Fast-forward four years and we’re married with a mortgage and a dog. Will I leave him? No. I’m aware that if I had to start dating again now a safe pair of hands like Joe would look like an absolute catch.”

A MAN has admitted that, although his evenings are the most precious moments of his day, he just cannot be f**ked doing anything with them.

Stephen, not his real name, spends every night from 6pm to midnight plagued by the sense that he ought to be enjoying himself while pissing about on his phone and vaping.

He explained: “I am aware that this is my leisure time and I should spend it doing something I really want to do. Some nights I muster up the energy for a wank.

“But largely my evenings just slip by, bringing me one step closer to the grave and six episodes closer to completing all 32 series of The Simpsons. So swings and roundabouts.

“I could play a videogame. I could read a book. I could teach myself to cook, using all that chef shit I bought at the beginning of lockdown. But mostly I find my greatest satisfaction is found in doing absolutely f**k all.”

Psychologist Dr Hannah, not her real name, said: “Free time can be a terrible burden. Some people suffer it so badly they have no option but to take up some kind of hobby, or even worse make plans.

“Mr Stephen is doing the sensible thing by simply lying still and waiting for it to pass. What would be the point of doing anything else?”

AN uncle has decided the entire family should be enslaved in his tedious quest to research their family history.

Retired accountant Martin, not his real name, feels he is creating a valuable historical record despite all his relatives secretly wishing he would die rather than tell them about discovering another 19th century stranger who worked as a farmer.

He said: “Family history is fascinating. I’ve uncovered some amazing stuff, like there were 17 Bishops related to us living in the Melton Mowbray area in 1850. Although I’m not sure what you can do with that information.

“The great thing is nowadays with the internet I can let everyone share in my research. Just today I asked my sister-in-law Julia if she remembers any older members of the family telling her about relatives living in Todmorden. She hasn’t replied yet.

“Admittedly all the ancestors so far have turned out to be something unremarkable like roofers and maids, but there’s always the chance you’re related to the aristocracy.

“That’s really why people research their family tree, but we don’t admit it because we’d look like forelock-tugging creeps.”

Niece Kell, not her real name, said: “F**k, he’s on WhatsApp again asking me if I’ve done my DNA testing yet. I suppose I’d better find the kit and hope no one makes an evil clone of me.

“Maybe Uncle Martin should just accept that hundreds of years ago some branch of our family decided to set up shop in Swansea. That’s their problem. Plus they’re skeletons.”

A MAN who wasted half an hour looking at wine eventually chose the bottle with the nicest label, he has confirmed.

Jon, not his real name, from Southampton loitered in the wine aisle at his local Waitrose reading the back of several bottles even though he really wanted to buy a six-pack of Carling and ‘a lot of Monster Munch’.

He said: “I’ve got this vague bullshit notion that as a modern man I should have some knowledge about wine that goes beyond the fact that mixing red and white does not make rosé.

“I thought that if I stood around in the wine aisle some of the sophistication would rub off on me and I would meet a clever, sexy woman, but neither of those things happened.

“I just read a load of complete shit about woody undertones that made me feel both strangely inadequate and incredibly irritated.”

He added: “All there really is to know is that white wine tastes like piss and red wine tastes like vinegar. But everyone is impressed if it there’s an old fashioned drawing of a fancy French house on the label.”

A MAN who wasted half an hour looking at wine eventually chose the bottle with the nicest label, he has confirmed.

Jon, not his real name, from Southampton loitered in the wine aisle at his local Waitrose reading the back of several bottles even though he really wanted to buy a six-pack of Carling and ‘a lot of Monster Munch’.

He said: “I’ve got this vague bullshit notion that as a modern man I should have some knowledge about wine that goes beyond the fact that mixing red and white does not make rosé.

“I thought that if I stood around in the wine aisle some of the sophistication would rub off on me and I would meet a clever, sexy woman, but neither of those things happened.

“I just read a load of complete shit about woody undertones that made me feel both strangely inadequate and incredibly irritated.”

He added: “All there really is to know is that white wine tastes like piss and red wine tastes like vinegar. But everyone is impressed if it there’s an old fashioned drawing of a fancy French house on the label.”

A MAN has cultivated an enigmatic cult of personality by dialling into a Zoom call with his mic and camera off, it has emerged.

Sales manager Martin, not his real name, sent his co-workers into a frenzy of gossip and erotic longing after attending a weekly catch-up meeting without sharing his face and remaining shrouded in digital silence.

Colleague Joanna, not her real name, said: “It’s like having James Bond or Carlos Santana on the call. Even though they’d never be the sorts to give a f**k about Q2 revenue updates.

“Who are they? What do they look like? Are they single? I might have to turn my own mic and camera off as my mind runs rampant with sexual speculation.

“Perhaps he’s a brooding Heathcliff type, or maybe he’s a Banksy-esque figure whose cachet thrives on anonymity. Either way, it’s working. Nobody better tell him he’s on mute and shatter the steamy illusion.

“Even when he was asked to share his feedback he remained stubbornly silent, like a sexy dissident intellectual in 60s Prague. I’m ready to shitcan my husband and kids over him.”

Martin said: “My laptop’s knackered. So I just sat in my pants eating Doritos and watching videos of dogs riding skateboards on my phone.”

A WOMAN’S friend has once again infuriated her by providing useful advice instead of listening to her complaints in a supportive manner.

Hannah, not her real name, rage is building after hanging out with her friend Karen, not her real name, , who had the nerve to provide constructive insights into her petty gripes rather than appropriately indulging in her misery by having a moan.

Han said: “If I wanted advice I’d ask for it. Otherwise Ellie’s supposed to nod along and say ‘that’s so f**king annoying’ or ‘what a twat’ when I catch my breath.

“Instead though she’s breaking down my problems into easily fixable steps and guiding me through how I can prevent them from happening again in the future. The helpful bitch.

“She’s always been like this. When I got dumped she was all kind and sympathetic, and when I got passed over for promotion she pointed out that the role would have been more stress than it’s worth. Can’t she be a bitter hag like me for a second?

“It’s got to the point where I want to scream in her face, but even then she’d probably be really understanding and offer useful feedback. I’m starting to question why I’m even friends with her.”

Shaw said: “That vein on Karen’s temple is really starting to throb. I better advise her to drink some herbal tea, that’ll calm her down.”

A PAMPERED office worker is daydreaming of ditching his desk job for manual labour that would immediately destroy him.

IT worker Joseph, not his real name, whose most strenuous daily task involves adjusting his ergonomic chair, is idly fantasising about ruining his fragile body by becoming something more manly like a welder, bricklayer or hod carrier.

He said: “Working in a role that won’t wreck me by the time I’m 40 is fine enough. But there’s something truly noble about lugging around sacks of concrete while being shouted at by a guy called Gaz.

“Slowly responding to tickets in a condescending manner while putting minimal strain on my joints doesn’t command the same respect as toiling away on a construction site. Plus the banter is just memes sent over Slack, and none of it’s delightfully problematic.

“Admittedly, I don’t own a toolbox and my soft, delicate hands have never even changed a lightbulb, but how punishing can bone-grinding manual labour actually be? I did the first week of Couch to 5K a couple of years ago which shows I’m physically capable.

“Oh, who am I kidding, I just want to be paid to read the Sunday Sport in a van.”

Plasterer Wayne, not his real name, said: “Joseph’s welcome to swap with me. I’ve always fantasised about earning shitloads for telling people to restart their computers.”

A GROUP of office workers is genuinely puzzled by the relationship success of a total dickwad they work with, it has emerged. 

Colleagues cannot comprehend how sales executive Tom, not his real name, consistently attracts girlfriends despite his seemingly female-unfriendly interests of cars, Maxim magazine and fart-related humour.

Co-worker Emma, not her real name, said: “He once talked to me for 15 minutes about his new tyres without noticing I’d put my earphones in.

“Weirdly though I quite like him, even though I hate myself for it. Maybe it’s a masochistic thing.”

Fellow colleague Martin, not his real name, said: “My theory was that Tom behaves totally differently in front of women he wants to impress, but I’ve seen him trying to chat someone up by asking ‘What’s your best Top Gear episode?’.

“Also his sense of humour exclusively involves farts. If you find the expressions ‘silent but violent’ or ‘letting off an eggy one’ completely hilarious he’s your dream date.

“I guess his appeal is one of those unsolved mysteries of life, like the Bermuda Triangle or how they built those Inca temples.”

A WORKER who made a mistake did not then try to bullshit her way out of the situation, it has emerged.

Accounts executive Hannah, not her real name, left a document containing confidential client information on a photocopier. When questioned by her boss, she admitted it was a careless mistake on her part and then got a bollocking.

Colleague Roy, not his real name, said: “I don’t understand why she didn’t try to shift the blame, pretend she did it deliberately for some obscure reason or simply deny it ever happened.

“You don’t admit to doing things wrong, even things that are undeniably your fault, because that is not how the world works. She’s just thrown away her career and, by extension, her chance of a meaningful life.

“Perhaps she is mentally ill.”

Team leader Nikki, not her real name, said: “I can only think Mary is playing some sort of a long game. I bet she read a business book that says revealing your weaknesses can be a smart strategic move because it makes people want to tell you their secrets, or something.

“Nobody at work does anything without a devious, self-serving hidden motive. I’m going to be watching that bitch like a hawk.”

DO you feel a minor conviction might give you some much-need street cred? Get yourself nabbed for one of these misdemeanours:

Fishing without a licence

Fishing is a pretty nerdy hobby, but you can up your stats as a dangerous rebel a notch by doing it illegally. Why should you pay for a rod licence anyway? You don’t need a jam-jar licence for catching a spider. Being collared by a bailiff will prove you’re a devil-may-care rebel who’s really sticking it to the system. But mainly the fish.

Protesting

Being hassled by the pigs for opposing social injustice will increase your coolness and probably your sex appeal. You’ll probably only end up with a caution, and your story can grow bigger with every telling. Just be sure to pick a worthy cause like Gaza or a counter-fascist demo. A Stop The Boats rally will mark you down as a weird racist, and Just Stop Oil has a very middle-class image. Plus you might be a victim of Starmer’s fascist anti-protest tendencies and get 12 years for chucking soup on perspex.

Low-level cannabis possession

Being arrested for having a nominal quantity of weed for personal use will prove you’re down with the kids. Except your thumbnail-sized piece of black is something they’ll think only old people smoke as they inhale proper Lemon Haze skunk. Still, you’ll feel like a rock star – they’re mostly old and past-it now too – although that’s scant compensation for all the pinhole burns in your favourite top.

Streaking at a cricket match

Cricket is boring as f**k, so liven the occasion up a bit by getting pissed, stripping off and running around the pitch to cheers from similarly inebriated spectators. Just be careful not to get too close to the actual players, unless you want your adventure to end with a bat-shaped bruise across your arse. A moderate fine is the most likely outcome, but the real punishment will be sobering up and realising you’re on every TV news bulletin. Tits are always a crowd-pleaser, but men run the risk of the whole nation knowing what an unimpressive penis you have.

Illegal street art

Banksy would be up to his eyeballs in muff if groupies knew who he was. Improve on his badly thought-out strategy by spray-painting a crude mural on a wall then signing with your name. You’ll become an instant aerosol-wielding anti-hero, so you might get a shag before your inevitable public humiliation as the magistrates give you a community order and make you scrub off your graffiti like a naughty child.

Knocking out pirate DVDs

Hollywood actors make a shitting fortune, so stick it to the capitalist regime by copying loads of movies to sell, then realising no one watches DVDs anymore. You might be able to target the market niche of people who like a shelf of actual physical DVDs, but then you’ll have to copy special edition extras like a book of HR Giger art which is a huge faff. It doesn’t help that all the popular franchises are looking spent at the moment, and the courts are unlikely to waste their time on someone with 30 unsold copies of The Mandalorian & Grogu.

A MAN who has spent 16 years in London has moved back to Wolverhampton so he can be closer to those who do not earn nearly as much money as he does.

Highly paid strategy manager Will, not his real name, has ostensibly returned to the West Midlands city to be near his elderly parents, where he can also afford a four-bedroom house and has an income in the top three per cent.

He said: “I’ve fitted mum’s bathroom with handrails. Now which of my old school pals who never made it anywhere wants to go for a drink?

“I moved here out of necessity, obviously, not because I was in a one-bedroom flat in a shithole area which was miraculously worth £350k. But it really is good to reconnect with people and see how they’ve turned out. I’ll buy the drinks! They cost basically nothing!

“It seems most of my peers are working in retail or as hairdressers, which makes me chuckle as it’s exactly what I would have expected. But it’s much more relaxing than hanging out with people who pay £35 for a negroni without f**king blinking.

“‘I’m just like you,’ I tell my old friends. ‘I still work, albeit only three days a week, and take my old dad to football once in a while. Now is there anyone else I’ve not touched base with? Ideally who’s even more of a loser than you?’”

Former classmate Mary, not her real name, said: “Hey, you’ll never guess who’s back in Wolves. Willy Pissypants? Remember, who weed himself in Year Nine maths?”

WANT to feel better about life without having to repeat wafty nonsense to yourself on a regular basis? Try these instead…

“I acknowledge that other people are fucking stupid, not me.”

Acknowledgement is important in affirmations, but you should affirm something that will help you get through the day without punching some idiot in the face.

“Happiness is a choice. Which is easier to make after two bottles of Shiraz.”

Whether happiness is a choice or not will never be definitively answered, but it’s an actual fact that you’ll feel better about life when you’re a bit pissed.

“I am blessed with incredible children but it doesn’t mean they aren’t little shits sometimes.”

It’s very important to count your blessings, but it’s equally as important to be in touch with reality and not so desperate to think positive thoughts that you let your kids act like bellends in public.

“I radiate an aura of hostility so leave me alone, dickheads.”

People who like affirmations believe your thoughts create your life, so enjoy living in an oasis of calm by repelling twats before they can even get near you.

“I wake up every day and wish I could spend the whole day in bed.”

Affirmations work best if you repeat them immediately after you wake up, so do this one enough and your office will probably burn down sooner or later.

A MAN is under the impression it is cool to pretend his husband is the boss of him.
Kevin, not his real name, frequently says things like “I’ll have to check with my manager” and “I’ll see if I’m allowed” even though his husband does not really care what he gets up to.
Kevin, 53, said: “I’ve been given permission to go for a drink with my mate Martin, not his real name, on Friday. Looks like I’m off the leash!”
However Kevin’s’ husband Kah Heng, not his real name, said: “I’ve overheard Kev saying he needs to ask me before going out for a drink. No, he doesn’t. He’s a grown man and after 20 years I still have no idea where he gets this from.”
Friends verified that Kev’s actions make him seem immensely feeble and somehow chauvinistic at the same time. They went on to say that, after asking him, it turned out he had never not been allowed to do things.
Kevin added: “It’s cool to seem like you’re henpecked and in fear of your husband. I’ve seen it on classic American sitcoms so it must be true.”

TELEPHONE calls are rarely made by anyone except annoying twerps these days, and for good reason. Here’s why.

Messaging exists

Why phone someone when you could text them? Or send them a WhatsApp message? Or hit them up on Snapchat? Or contact them via Facebook Messenger? There’s a dizzying array of messaging options. Alternatively you can bellow at full volume in a train carriage to prove you’re a big swinging dick in the business world, when actually you’re a middle-management nobody from Swansea.

The signal is always crap

Smartphones are incredible pieces of technology which sadly have yet to crack the ability to make a clear call that does not drop out every 30 seconds. Even the briefest of chats involves you straining to listen to a muffled voice while you shout at the caller to speak up and say that again. Hopefully the next iPhone will do away with the useless calling feature altogether, much like the headphone jack. Haha, remember how you used to have wires coming out of your head like a 1970s sci-fi android?

They’re really inconvenient

Messages respect your time. They pop up on your phone and let you reply at your leisure, or not at all if you feel like ghosting your ex. Meanwhile phone calls are the equivalent of someone dropping in unannounced and barging into your living room to grill you about something you’re unprepared for. And if you don’t pick up somehow you’re the rude one.

There’s barely anything worth talking about

Most telephone conversations could easily be boiled down to a swift exchange of information. Not even the most salacious bit of gossip merits hours of yapping, and don’t let your conversation-starved partner try to convince you otherwise. And if a work task is that complicated, like building a suspension bridge, maybe it merits meeting in person? Emergency 999 calls are the obvious exception, but even then you could shave off a couple of minutes by not banging on about the victim not breathing.

Everyone’s riddled with anxiety

Mainly due to dickheads bombarding them with telephone calls. Are they going to get fired or dumped if they pick up? Nobody knows. And it’s not until they’ve sat through a rambling conversation about sales figures or what to pick up from Sainsbury’s for dinner and hung up that they know they’re in the clear. Alexander Graham Bell has a lot to answer for, and not just his eugenicist leanings.

IT’S Monday morning and your inbox is full of treasures. Here are five emails to make you grateful you opened Outlook:

URGENT MUST BE DONE BEFORE EOP FRIDAY

There’s nothing more energising than an email that came in two minutes after you pissed off on Friday, signalling that you’re going to get a bollocking from your manager for not anticipating that you needed to stay late… for something some shitbrain had forgotten.

Annual leave request – denied

Everything’s automated nowadays, to the extent that HR now just sends out blanket emails telling you that no, you can’t go to your sister’s wedding in August because it might be ‘a busy time in the office’. Meaning more important people haven’t booked their holidays yet.

Re: re: Project that never ends

Sorry, could you take one last look at this spreadsheet? Have another run at this PowerPoint? Send a kiss-arse email to the client again? Shall we all go back to first principles on this one? This work nightmare won’t f**k off no matter how what. The best you can do it pass it to someone you hate before you leave.

Not what I asked for

Incidentally, that thing you were working on for five days straight? Yeah, it’s not what your project manager wanted at all and there are 531 comments on the document to that effect. He’s keen to stress that there might be something salvageable in it, though. Maybe a whole sentence.

Book your casual meeting with downsizing consultant

The rumours of restructuring have been flying and lo and behold, they’ve got some corporate genius in to sort the wheat from the chaff. Time to spend days preparing for an ostensibly friendly chat that will decide if you have a job or not in six weeks time.

EVERY man in a heterosexual relationship is by default punching above his weight, research has shown.

An eight-year project by the Institute for Studies shows that men routinely break wind, scratch inappropriately and engage in futile fantasy football competitions, while women radiate charm, pleasantness and a nice floral scent.

Professor Frost, not her real name, said: “In every heterosexual pairing, there is one individual who moisturises, listens and has soft, wonderful bosoms. The other is a man.

“The discrepancy is staggering. While women are serene goddesses running entire households, comforting distressed pets and remembering their partner’s blood type, they are shackled to porn-addicted, Xbox-obsessed troglodytes.

FEELING like a worthless, pathetic weakling after ordering half a pint? Start rebuilding your dignity with these tips.

Say it was a joke

Ha! A big strapping burly bloke like you ordering a mere half! Imagine! This is clearly a hilarious prank that you’re pulling on somebody, although it’s unclear who. Ride out the confusion by loudly laughing to yourself and slapping your knee, then swagger off to the bathroom for a massive slash. That’ll underline the irony of that measly half.

Explain that you’re driving

The barman didn’t ask you to explain anything, but you feel compelled to do so for the sake of your reputation. Without context the half is a disgraceful affront to your identity, however once you make it clear that you shortly need to drive home your name will be saved. You’re just squeezing in the most alcohol you can legally consume before then, which is perfectly respectable.

Pretend it’s for someone else

Make your scapegoat someone believable, like a young child or a woman. They’re notoriously incapable of necking a whole pint. If neither of them are to hand, say it’s for your mate who’s popped out for a fag then secretly drink it while the barman isn’t looking. Then wait 20 minutes before getting another round in to avoid suspicion.

Down it like a shot

Half pints are only embarrassing if sipped on like a regular pint. If you down it in one swift gulp like a shot, you’ll not only retain your dignity, you’ll likely impress everyone in the bar at the same time. They’ll probably carry you down the street on their shoulders while chanting your name, such is their level of admiration for your drinking prowess.

Order a pint

Making up the shortfall by ordering another half won’t fix things. You need to completely undo the wrong by ordering a proper quantity of alcohol. Once there’s room in the pint, tip the half in and shamefully drop the little empty glass off at the bar. Unfortunately this won’t stop the regulars calling you something stupid like ‘Half-pint Harry’ for the rest of your life.