Dickhead who is always late acting like it’s somehow beyond their control
AN idiot who is habitually late acts as if it is completely out of her control even when she has been lying in bed watching…
Consumers demand much less information about food
FOOD shoppers have demanded the removal of nutritional information, the country of origin and all extraneous adjectives from their food packaging. New research has found…
The middle-aged person’s guide to losing friends
IS your life cluttered with friends you’d prefer didn’t exist? Or require a minor effort to occasionally meet? Learn how to lose them like a…
Woman sets healthy boundaries of only doing what she wants to
A WOMAN has informed friends she is prioritising her mental wellbeing by setting boundaries of only doing what she enjoys. Charlotte, not her real name,…
Spreadsheet Steve, and five other nicknames which mean your life has gone horribly awry
PICKED up a nickname? Proud of it, even though it’s a glaring sign your life has taken a wrong turn somewhere? Any of these is…
A handful of cheddar makes all Italian dishes better: How to piss off a foodie with facts
KNOW an idiot who believes pizza is better with just bland, boring mozzarella? Here are some food facts they need to stop being in denial…
Not sitting next to the boss: Office Christmas party options you wish were on offer
THE time has come to select your flavour of forced festivity with workmates. But you’re offered bone-dry turkey or pan-roasted hake when these are the…
City trader who works 18 hours a day thinks he’s ‘a winner’
A MAN who works in a high level city job and gets four hours sleep a night considers his life a success. Kevin 30, not…
Idiot spent his 20s being sensible
A FOOL threw away his 20s predominantly sober while holding down a stable job and adult relationship, it has emerged. Well-adjusted cretin Tom, not his…
Office full of weird cliques no one would ever want to join
AN office is full of cliques formed by people no one would ever want to hang out with, it has emerged. Administrator Nikki, not her real…
Beloved dog would be annoying, needy attention-seeker if it was human
A DOG whose quirks are uncritically adored by its owners would be an absolute nightmare if it was a human being. Spaniel Toby, aged three,…
Massive labrador claims it’s just puppy fat
A FAT labrador claims his excessive size is just puppy fat despite being nine years old and finishing every meal with a trifle. Taunton-based dog…
What if being present in the office is all you have to offer? A shite employee asks
EXPERTS are disparaging the need to be physically in the office you work in as mere ‘presenteeism’. But what if that’s the only bit you’re…
Middle class students excited to ‘do weed’ for first time
A GROUP of middle class students are terribly excited to ‘do’ some weed, it has been confirmed. Megan, not her real name, 19, said: “I’ve…
Gen Z teen confused by strong male character
A MALE teenager has been left confused by a film in which a man faces challenges like fist fights that are traditionally left to female…
Vegan spends 90 per cent of time trying to catch out other vegans
A VEGAN spends 90 per cent of his waking hours policing other vegans for dietary infractions, he has confirmed. Dean, not hos real name, who…
Company’s culture is alcoholism and being called John
A CONSULTANCY firm is proud of its distinctive workplace culture of drinking too much while employing multiple staff members with the same name. Consultancy firm…
Existence of entire male friendship group hinges on one vaguely organised bloke
A GROUP of men who have been friends for two decades only remain so because of one man. The six friends, who met at university,…
Retired parents exhausted after day of completely unnecessary tasks
A MAN’S retired parents are looking forward to a rest after a punishing day of finding things to do that did not need doing. While…
Seven highly effective ways of f**king candidates over, by a recruitment consultant
HI, [INSERT NAME HERE], I came across your LinkedIn profile and thought you would be a great fit to make me look like I’ve got…