HUMOUR

HELLO, I’m Miss Traherne. I’ve written it on the whiteboard for you. Today we’ll be learning about the inevitable downfall of the ruling class, like Mr Farage says.

Now Kayden, can you tell me who owns that table in front of you? Is it yours? No, it isn’t is it, otherwise you’d have to take it home with you every night. Could you carry that? No.

Is it Elsa’s table? No, it isn’t. It isn’t any of yours. It’s shared by all of you because it belongs to the state, which provides it for the greater good. It’s everyone’s table!

Just like it’s everyone’s chairs, and everyone’s whiteboard, and everyone’s crayons. No that doesn’t mean you can take crayons home, Kaylee. You’ve misunderstood and are acting like a capitalist needing re-education in a gulag.

Now, wouldn’t it be better if the state provided everything? Everything would be free to play like Fortnite but other players wouldn’t be able to buy all the K-Pop Demon Hunters skins while you’ve only got an outdated Neymar one. Wouldn’t that be fairer?

That’s what a wonderful man called Karl Marx taught: fairness. And that’s what we all strive for here because in a fair world, everyone can do what they like. No you can’t go to the toilet whenever you want Ruby, that’s anarchism and completely different.

Now not everyone is a Marxist. One of those men is Mister Farage, who you must never vote for. I shall be assigning homework about that to make sure it goes in. Colour in this picture in a way that shows you hate him.

There we are, that’s our lesson all about Marxism! This afternoon is maths, in which we’ll learn that Reform’s figures don’t add up but nice Green Mister Polanski’s don’t have to.

Okay, playtime! Remember, play equipment is assigned from each according to his ability and to each according to his needs! No pushing Willow. We don’t want to give you another show trial.

EXPERTS have warned that a new financial crisis which you did nothing to contribute to but will f**k you right up is coming, so bad luck.

The predicted crash due to Trump’s policies and overinvestment in AI – both of which you vocally opposed but it isn’t up to you, is it? – means that from next year you cannot afford to run a car.

Market analyst Anthony, not his real name, said: “Oh dear. Hard times ahead because of this AI bubble. What do you mean it’s nothing to do with you? It’s your money we invested.

“The good news is we in the City made a great deal out of it, commission and suchlike, so we’re protected from its worst effects. The bad news is that you won’t be. Redundancies are expected. Belt-tightening, all that. Hope you’ve set three years of salary aside!

“You haven’t? You’re still reeling from the credit crunch? Yes well you should have known better than to allow your pension fund to go large on subprime investments. Actions have consequences. We take the actions, you suffer the consequences.”

Martin, not his real name, of Macquery, a gay Scottish Bank said: “I know capitalism’s good because iPhones, but we seem locked into a boom-and-bust cycle where the boom happens to others and the bust happens to me.

“You do know I’m still shopping at Aldi? That I never made the step back up to Tesco? Is anybody interested in that? Hello?”

ANYONE with a job is likely to have witnessed managers gushing about AI then quietly ditching the idea. See where your employer is in the cycle of AI hype.

1. Insane enthusiasm

Every aspect of our lives will be transformed by AI and you’re going to be on the cutting edge, your boss assures you. This is based on seeing some moderately realistic pictures of kittens having a birthday party.

2. The first bold steps

You attend meetings about how AI will ‘supercharge’ your business. Enthusiasm is high, and you feel a bit Silicon Valley. You start taking an interest in AI generally and read articles by credulous journalists who don’t appear to realise Elon Musk is a pathological liar. There are undertones of being in a cult, but people forget cults give you a lovely sense of belonging. You love AI.

3. No one can think of anything for AI to actually do

It turns out AI doesn’t have any obvious uses for your company. Apparently a kitchen worktop supplier in Reading doesn’t need a real-time global translation service like Microsoft. Your boss responds by finding unnecessary projects for AI to do in a classic case of ‘technology looking for an application’. At least your clients will be getting video Christmas cards this year with Avatar-standard graphics.

4. Doubts creep in

Heretical thoughts begin. Are companies just pumping their share price with AI? Did anyone ever decide what AI was actually going to be for? Are tech bros full of shit? You note that Zuckerberg thinks we’re going to wear AI glasses bombarding us with trivia that wankers will just use to try to chat up women, eg. ‘Did you know we’re 365.55 million kilometres from Mars, Emma? Makes you think, eh?’

5. AI plans get downscaled

Eventually your company decides to use AI to process invoices a bit faster, so you won’t be conversing with Deep Thought every day or getting a cool robot buddy like K-2SO. It’s good that AI will be helping the company, but it’s a kick in the nuts when you thought Joi from Blade Runner 2049 would be waiting for you lovingly at your desk every morning.

6. You grow to hate AI

Your new AI tools have teething troubles, requiring endless tweaks and forcing you to redo things. Combined with incessant AI bullshit in the media you start to hate the whole thing. You long to work in a low-tech office of the 1950s where the only technology you’re expected to engage with is a pencil sharpener and it’s fine to have lurid yellow teeth from smoking.

7. AI is quietly dropped

Suddenly AI is never spoken of, like a deformed child in the basement, and your company gets on with doing things the way you’ve always done them, on Windows Vista. That’s not to say AI hasn’t profoundly affected your business; you’re still spending countless man hours asking ChatGPT ‘Write me funny jokes about cocks’ and making hilarious images of your colleague Gavin as a xenomorph.

NOBEL Prizes are being given out, but do not impress Britain’s many idiots who believe anything they fail to understand is simple. Wayne Hayes explains why they’re bollocks:

The Nobel Prize for Physiology and Medicine

This year some egghead won it for ‘immune tolerance’ research. Looking for the next lucrative scam after Covid, aren’t they? When it comes to medicine, you need to do your own research. I’d suggest you start at www.thegreatcovidhoax.com. It’s totally legit because the guy running the site cured his Covid with pencil shavings and Play-Doh.

The Nobel Prize for Physics

Apparently made a quantum computer, or whatever. The games were just as addictive on a ZX Spectrum. People go on about how confusing quantum mechanics is, but all it means is there’s really tiny particles and in other universes, dinosaurs are in charge. What’s hard to understand about that? I’d vote for a dinosaur if he had the right policies on tax.

The Nobel Prize for Literature

How difficult is it to write a book? Think of a story then put in a load of flowery language. Look: ‘The fields was burnished all beautiful green the colour of lovely traffic lights. “I wish I wasn’t fighting in World War One tomorrow,” uttered Pete.’ Took me 20 seconds. Sure, a whole book is bigger, but it’s just a matter of putting the hours in, like knitting.

The Nobel Prize for Chemistry

Did it in school, it’s just dicking about with Bunsen burners. Thatcher invented soft-serve ice-cream and didn’t win it, which shows it’s political and a scam. Same with all these qualifications like PhDs – they sound impressive but you build up gradually from one to the next one, like Couch to 5K. Even that fat bastard Jeff next door managed that.

The Nobel Peace Prize

How can you have a prize for peace? If you win it for not starting wars, it could go to anyone: Amanda Holden, Alan Shearer, 1970s pianist Bobby Crush. None of them have standing armies. President Trump’s asked for it and be fair to him, he’s been in for nine months and not one invasion. Good lad.

The Nobel Prize for Economic Science

Economics is simple: spend less than you earn and you’ll be alright. My mate Gav f**ked up with his credit cards and I wouldn’t want that happening to Britain. That’s why we’ve got to stop spending on stuff that doesn’t make money, like benefits, and focus on stuff that does like the Strictly format. Do I deserve a Nobel Prize for that? Honestly, why not?

A MOTHER recounting an incident to her adult daughter ingeniously included not just the race or religion of each character, but made it a key feature.

Carolyn, not her real name, was telling daughter Hayley about an incident at work and interwove these important biographical details without it seeming in the least gratuitous.

She said: “You see Mo, who’s Muslim and had been off for Eid, came back and Rosa had taken over his project. And he isn’t happy because he thinks Rosa is lazy.

“She isn’t, it’s just being from Equatorial Guinea where sunset and sunrise is the same all year round she finds it hard to adjust to the nights drawing in.

“Luckily Luis the manager stepped in and nipped it in the bud. He’s a former diplomat from Colombia, also near the equator, and raised in the Islamic faith so could understand both perspectives and solve everything with a few calming words.

“You accuse me of bringing up race when it’s not relevant, but in this case it was actually incredibly pertinent to what transpired. Also Luis is gay.”

Hayley said: “Yes, but not in a camp way, you said. And I know Rosa’s from Equatorial Guinea but she is also born and raised in Walsall.”

A MAN has noticed that everything in his shopping basket is cheese, has cheese on it or will have cheese somehow added to it.

Ercan, not his rea name, was at the check out of his local supermarket when he noticed the cheese-centric nature of his shopping.

Ercan also known. as Bagel Boy said: “First we have a four cheese margarita pizza, nothing wrong there.

“Then there are some cheese dips things for work this week, again fairly standard.

“And a big block of cheese, so big you could use it as a weapon. Then we have the bread, crackers, bagels – basically vehicles for cheese.

“Luckily I’ve added some bananas to the basket for diversity. Although I put cheese on my bananas, it’s weird but I like it.”

He added: “I’ve never even thought of myself as a person who especially likes cheese, but I’m definitely a person who eats it.”

#originalbagel

https://originalbagel.co.uk

A COUPLE is in agreement that there is nothing suspicious about covertly typing texts with your phone screen angled away from your partner.

James and Emma, not their real names, who both regularly receive and answer texts they do not explain to each other, believe keeping their screens private shows their relationship is built on trust.

He said: “I’m doing it out of love. The harsh light from a phone screen can be really distracting when Kelly’s trying to watch TV or ask me about my day.

“She has enough content to look at on her own phone, without being burdened by even more messages on mine. So I politely read them in privacy right there next to her.”

Howard agreed: “If James peered over my shoulder and read every word I’m sending to people, there would be something seriously wrong between us. He doesn’t need to, and I angle my phone to reflect that.

“Innocent people like us have nothing to hide. However we do also freak out when even gently asked who we’re talking to.”

James then received a text which he explained from work, and they unexpectedly needed him in even though it was 7pm, to which Emma replied: ‘How long for? Exactly three hours? Fine with me,’ before retiring to the bathroom to make a short call.

A WITHERING, up-and-down glance from another woman is more validating than any spoken compliment, women have confirmed.

While remarks such as ‘you look nice’ or ‘I love your outfit’ may sound flattering, women have admitted that no praise is higher than the narrowing of the eyes which suggests her presence is being perceived as a genuine threat.

Hannah, not her real name, said: “Last week a woman in Pret glowered at me like I’d just shagged her boyfriend. I’ve never felt hotter.

“Whereas yesterday my friend said my hair looked great, which was sweet but made me feel nothing. But then a girl shot me a sour look when she overheard how expensive my highlights were. I nearly wept from the rush of euphoria.

“Men don’t understand it. Their simple brains wrongfully think we love words of enouragement. In reality, what we crave are micro-expressions of simmering envy from the sisterhood. And diamonds. Preferably together.”

Sophie Rodriguez concurred: “A bitchy glance is a woman’s equivalent of a knighthood. It confers immediate status on whichever jumped-up cow it has been bestowed upon.

“It’s also connected to our other highest honour: mercilessly dissecting that bitch’s every flaw in a private WhatsApp group.”

A MIDDLE manager is experimenting with being pleasant to his staff in a bid to improve their productivity, it has emerged.

Having noticed a connection between shouting at his staff and poor performance, middle manager Nathan, not his real name, has decided to test the radical idea of being nice to them and complimenting their work.

He said: “I know, being in a good mood sounds like a counterproductive tactic for business development. But Google had some unorthodox approaches in the 90s and look at them now.

“I started by A/B testing a cheerful ‘good morning’ and ‘how are you’ to my colleagues as they slouched to their desks. Backs stiffened in terror plummeted by 12 per cent.

“Then at lunch I popped out to get a Colin the Caterpillar cake because it was probably one of their birthdays. After asking if this was some kind of trick and examining it for traces of poison, they greedily tucked in.

“Sadly though the results have been inconclusive. Now they waste as much time cheerfully dicking about in the kitchen as they used to spend crying in the bathroom, plus their work isn’t any better. From tomorrow it’s back to instilling terror.”

Accounts clerk Susan Traherne said: “I’m relieved Nathan’s reverting to abject misery. The whole team’s shattered from the paranoia of working under his clearly insincere positivity.”

IS A man in your life gazing at Wayne Rooney and Rob Brydon with naked envy? Always on websites with a particular follicular bent? These are the stages to watch for:

Aggressive combing

First comes mild subterfuge, as the remaining frontmost strands creep longer and longer and begin to be styled dramatically in patterns similar to weather reports of a hurricane. He’s growing it out, he’ll say, it’s no big deal, while carefully gauging wind speed to see if it’s safe to leave the office and hiding from rain as if he owes it money.

Big hat era

Whether a beanies, a baseball caps, or a dubious fedora that makes him look like a Bugsy Malone extra, no headwear is left untried in his attempt to convince himself that yeah, all he has to do is wear this for the rest of his life and nobody will know. Before long, gatherings of guys in their late 30s start to look like the Innocent smoothie fridge in winter.

Off-season trip to Turkey

A fortnight in Turkey, in October? Suspicious. You later find his girlfriend didn’t go? Even more so. It can only mean he’s taken the plunge for the low, low price of hoping the clinic meets minimal medical standards and allows him to make eye contact with his reflection again. Sees nobody on flying home. Posts no photos.

Pub avoidance

As the scars fade and the new hairs bed in, you’ll be able to tell because you won’t see him. Whether Friday pub, Saturday pub, watching football in the pub on Sunday or a cheeky Wednesday pub visit, he’ll let you down because he’s shunning society to scab and shed like an emo snake. The transplanted hair is taking root. Where did it come from? Best not to ask.

Soft launch

The presence of extra hair begins to be teased like a new partner or bougie doughnut, as strands start to poke out. Hats may even be removed when indoors. He’s sprouting like the cress head you grew at primary school, and he’s got the shit-eating grin to match. The payoff is here, and it’s spectacular.

Cock of the walk

His forehead is now an impenetrable shield wall of lustrous locks, which he shake like a show pony at every opportunity. The physical results are positive but his personality has taken a hit as he obsessively lords it over the baldies who were once his kin. Instagram pics multiply at an exponential rate. His Tinder bio removes ten years from his age, no actually 15.

A WOMAN who claims she is happy to watch any TV show or film is only open to doing so until offered options, it has emerged.

Sophie and Tom, not their real names, settled down for an evening together as a couple, which means watching television for two hours, when Booker courteously asked if she had a preference.

He said: “I was, after all, holding the remote. However Sophie’s generosity outweighed my own as she handed me carte blanche to put on anything I chose.

“So I put on a six-hour documentary about the pyramids, but she wanted something a bit less educational as she’d been in work all day, which is fair enough. So I found a good South Park where Cartman’s a cop but she said she doesn’t like cartoons.

“I thought TOWIE would do it, but she said it was too trashy and reminded her of her colleague Jessica, who to be fair is a slag. So I suggested Andor on Disney Plus but she didn’t want to start something new and anyway aliens aren’t people, which is inarguable.

“I found this Sherlock movie with Jude Law in that’s easy, mindless entertainment which would be all wrapped up in two hours. Apparently that would be past her bedtime.

“By this time I was getting pretty narked as she ruled out quiz shows, soaps, reality, any nature documentary and anything to do with death. I tossed her the remote and told her to pick something. She went off in a huff so, in a foul mood, I put the footy on.”

Sophie said: “Tom was really stressy about it. When I came back in he had football on, so I said if that’s what he wanted to watch all he had to do was say. I’ll watch anything.”

TRUMP has told Kate she is ‘beautiful, so beautiful’. Making uncomfortable comments to younger, uninterested women is a popular pastime for older men, so here’s how to go about it.

‘Have you got a boyfriend?’

Ambiguously creepy, as it might just be nosiness or could be a prelude to offering to step in. It also implies you can stop wasting your time on them if they are already the property of another male, a view women strangely find offensive.

‘Older men are more experienced’

Often just a bit of mindless sauciness, but unpacked it means: ‘Older men are better at sex, which would be a benefit of doing it with me.’ Whether this is true is highly debatable, but it doesn’t matter because no 25-year-old woman has ever thought: ‘Hmm, fractionally better sex definitely outweighs the paunch, bald patch, lower libido and wife and two kids.’

‘You look great in that dress’

Firmly in the creepiness grey area. It could just be a casual flattering comment on a woman’s overall appearance, or it could mean that an older male colleague or acquaintance takes a close interest in their tits and arse. Hopefully not with the aid of hundreds of surreptitious photos on their phone.

‘If I was 20 years younger I’d go out with you myself’ 

This suggests that a younger woman would automatically date the older man when he was in his 20s, which misses out the ‘consent’ and ‘attraction’ elements that are good to have in a relationship. It also implies he was able to simply order women to go out with him in his youth, which is a lie unless you’re talking to Kim Jong Un.

‘You’re very beautiful’

This is the sort of bold compliment made by men who fancy themselves to be distinguished appreciators of beautiful women, ie. twats. But the main problem is that once you’ve explicitly said you find someone incredibly beautiful, from now on you may as well be wearing a t-shirt that says ‘Wanking over you frequently’.

‘Has anyone ever told you you look like [insert actress]?’

Being compared to Scarlett Johansson or whoever is flattering, but it’s not as if men fantasise about a chaste evening of Monopoly with her. So it’s problematic once you think about it, but you get extra creepiness points for using a dated example like Raquel Welch then mansplaining who she is.

‘You’re younger than my daughter’

Could be said in all innocence, but it’s a phrase that usually refers to banging someone much younger. So you’ve not only highlighted the fact that you’re way too old to go out with whoever you’re talking to, you’ve also made it incredibly creepy by mentioning your daughter. What woman could resist your suave older charms?

A WOMAN who is patently the cause of every major problem in her beleaguered life, career and relationship has asked if it is her. 

Lilly, not he real name, has confronted her best friend with the question when discussing the written warning she got from work, whether her boyfriend knows she cheated and her forthcoming eviction, and wondering as to the common factor in events. 

She continued: “My boss knows I can’t stand Emily because she caught me going through her bag once, but he sits me opposite her? But then I end up pulling her hair out and it’s like I’m the problem. 

“Then James is closing in on my still shagging Macca while my coke dealer I banged keeps calling and I’m like why me? Is it my fault? Is it something I’m doing? 

“When a landlord says you can’t have pets he means dogs, right? But suddenly ‘I’m evicted’ because the chinchilla that escaped chewed through wiring and also I took a wall out. How can it all this happen to the same person?

“Is it me? Am I the problem? Am I doing all this to myself? Please, be honest with me, it’s better I know, is it me?” 

Friend Hannah, not her real name, said: “Oh God no it’s not you, no way, no don’t blame yourself at all.” 

A MILLENNIAL has accepted his age after attempts to talk about drugs with younger colleagues left him sounding like a police officer.

Steven Malley, 37, tried to bond with Gen Z coworkers by asking if they had ever “done a line of Meow Meow”, immediately killing the conversation. 

In separate incident he referred to a “tenner bag” of cannabis, causing him to later admit his drug knowledge was “tragically outdated”.

Malley said: “Apparently nobody calls them Es anymore. It’s MDMA, and it’s not a pill, it’s a bag of dust. Also, laughing gas is now something you do at clubs, not the dentist’s.

“I thought I’d seem cool dropping a few drug references, but I just sounded like a government information campaign about to warn them of the dangers of sharing needles.”

Colleague Ellie Shaw, 23, said: “Steve’s drug chat has big narc energy. I always have the urge to check if he’s wearing a wire.

“He kept saying these words like ‘gear’, ‘dope’ and ‘Charlie’, and nobody had a f**king clue what he was on about. It’s like he read Trainspotting as a teenager and thinks that’s still enough to get him by.”

Malley has now decided to avoid the subject of drugs and bond with colleagues over new streaming shows such as Better Call Saul and Dexter.

A FATHER cannot wait until his children are back at school so he can love them just the way he used to do.

48-year-old Joe, not his real name, a homeworking architect, has taken to mistily recalling how much he once adored his two children whenever he gets a moment’s peace from them being around all the f**king time.

He said: “I never realised how important the six-hour school day was to my love. And clubs. And evening activities like scouts.

“It turns out when they’re sharing a living and working space with me for six weeks, alternating whinging about how bored they are with demanding stuff, my affection becomes a deep, abiding irritation at every aspect of their presence. Especially their voices.

“I’ve been on a fortnight’s holiday with them, I’ve been on days out to the seaside and museums and walks in the hills, I’ve got an absolute shitload of treasured memories I’m ready to sort through whenever I get a bloody break.

“Can they not just piss off? Go and play in a park or on waste ground or in a fenced-off, condemned building like I used to? What did the Famous Five do in their summer holidays? Got kidnapped by smugglers? Works for me.”

He added: “Oh Christ, they want to bake a cake. The little bastards.”

MEN who insincerely adopt female-friendly behaviours to attract women have been labelled ‘performative males’. However these far better terms exist:

Dickheads

Why dress up men with shallow feminine interests in flowery language? You wouldn’t call a cheater an ‘amorous adventurer’, so why give inauthentic blokes pretending to like feminist bands a clever-sounding title? The most direct description is often the best, and in the case of men who pretend to be cultured and sensitive to try to get into your pants, the appropriate word is ‘dickhead’.

Toxic twats

There’s nothing inherently wrong with a man carrying a tote bag and proudly reading feminist literature. Other men may think he’s a bit of a ponce, but so long as he’s doing it of his own accord it’s not exactly pure evil. The problem with performative males is that they’re only doing these things in order to do very unprogressive things in the bedroom, making them twats of the toxic persuasion.

Sneaky shits

Performative males may be dickheads, but it shouldn’t be overlooked that they’re also devious. Instead of trying to bluster their way into a woman’s bed with male bravado, they’ve studied the dating landscape and opted for an underhanded strategy. One that a worrying number of men might be tempted to try if they weren’t too embarrassed to buy a Labubu doll.

Fake beta bastards

Phoney performative males have ruined being a thoughtful, sensitive man for all of the genuine beta cucks out there. Baggy knitwear and owning a cat was all these mild-mannered blokes had in their sexual armoury, and now that’s been forever trashed by youthful trendy knobheads who drink matcha tea and pretend to understand Mary Wollstonecraft.

Regrettably attractive

For women, one of the worst things about performative males is that they can bypass their better judgement and come across as regrettably attractive. Yes, everything they do is superficial, but some of them look a bit like Timothée Chalamet. And compared to the other oddballs and would-be pick-up artists on the dating market they’re among the most harmless. So long as you ignore that weird sense of fakeness you can’t quite put your finger on.

THERE is no better motivation to get promoted, change career or finally start your own business than having an utter arsehole as your manager, experts have confirmed.

While workers who are praised and encouraged will remain at the same level for years, being unfairly criticised while the underling of a no-holds-barred credit-stealing obnoxious wanker is a sure route to working success.

Career psychologist Dr Neil, not his real name, said: “A kind line manager who takes the time and effort to understand and assist their charges? Only holds you back.

“A vicious tosspot? Not only enhances team cohesion by giving everyone a hate figure, but also provides much needed impetus to seek promotion. They’re the vital oil in the wheels of success.

“So many vital career moves are provoked not by a ‘desire to lead a team and leverage my skills’ as liars claim at interview, but to ‘never see that strutting narcissistic prick again in my life’.

“Employees will put in hours of unpaid labour just to rack up the achievements needed to achieve escape velocity. We can only imagine how much technological progress will be engendered by those fleeing Elon Musk.”

Manager Edwin, not his real name, said: “I have to be a dick to them, but I hate it. At night, I knit socks for the poor, look at team photos with a tear in my eye and reassure myself it’s for their own good.”

THE phrase ‘I couldn’t have done it without you’ is a lie in every circumstance in which it is used without exception, research has found.

A lexicological investigation has revealed that whether the statement is being made by a CEO, a charitable organiser, a headteacher, the leader of an SAS squad operating behind enemy lines or the Pope, it is demonstrably untrue.

Researcher Jo, not her real name, said: “When, as a bridesmaid, I was told the wedding simply could not have been organised without me, my suspicions were aroused. Because I did piss all.

“Nikki was desperate to get hitched. Does she honestly expect us to believe that without a WhatApp group saying ‘oh those flowers are lovely’ she would have been unable to book a venue, choose a dress and persuade Craig that he couldn’t do any better?

“Based on this, we looked into other occasions and found they were no better suited to the phrase’s use. On around 90 per cent it’s being used by the person who’s done all the work, is fully aware it’s untrue and is actually pretty resentful about it.

“Oddly it’s rarely used in situations where it’s appropriate, like after sex, to the other drivers in a multi-car pile-up or when being a complete freeloader at work who nonetheless expects credit.”

Head of research Professor Frost, not her real name, said: “Thanks for all your hard work, Jo. We couldn’t have done this without you.”

A NUMBER of schools have given teenagers conversation lessons to overcome their anxiety about speaking to an actual person about Clearing. Here are some extra tips.

Try not to have a panic attack when you hear words

We understand it’s frightening when words are noises and not letters. It may sound like they’ve escaped from your phone and are flying around in the air, but they can’t hurt you, like a wasp. Well, words can hurt you, but let’s focus on making a simple f**king phone call to UCAS for now.

Try not to get bored

Yes, it’s incredibly boring listening to someone saying words on their own without a TikTok video. Do your best to pay attention, but if you can’t, don’t feel bad. It’s the other person’s fault for not being a ‘cake personality test’ or an eight-second video of Dua Lipa with the caption ‘She’s hot!’ or something equally perceptive.

You can’t use emojis

Sadly, vibrating air molecules do not support emojis. If you feel you must include an emoji, say to the other person: ‘Imagine a sad, round, yellow cartoon face with two massive tears coming out of its eyes. That is my emotions now I am having to go to London Metropolitan University.’

Remember the person is not inside the phone

Words coming out of your phone is baffling, but if you unscrew it you won’t find an adorable little person inside. Or a ‘smol’ person, as you would say in Gen Z slang, unaware that it will soon all be as painfully dated as saying ’Dig the dolly with the classy chassis, Daddy-O’.

Don’t say all your words at once

Don’t gabble ‘IneedaplaceatuniIgotaDinEnglishI’mLucycanInotgotoHull…’ for five solid minutes before ending the call. The aim is to pass on information in digestible chunks, listen to the other person, then respond in a logical way. Actually there’s no way your social media-addled attention span can cope with this. Get your mum to do it.

Be aware you don’t get likes

The person you are speaking to will not be tapping a button to register their approval of the conversation. If you have a pleasant chat they may quite like you as a person in the literal sense, but we appreciate this is a poor substitute for a counter that spuriously rates you according to the fleeting whims of random morons.

Practise on your parents

Before you make the actual call to UCAS, practise by placing a large sheet of cardboard between you and your parents to simulate them being disembodied voices and talk to them. If you can’t think of what to say, try: ‘Sure enough, I have once again only deigned to talk to you when I need something. So while we’re practising my UCAS phone call, can I have a lift to Katie’s and some money?’

HAVE you been working from home and slobbing out in a state of undress due to the warm spell? Prepare to panic when a surprise visit or an Zoom call exposes one of these outfits.

Armless sports vest

Purchased during your ‘I’m definitely going to go to the gym and get in shape this year’ phase and disinterred for the humid weather. You never went to the gym and reaped the benefits in the form of a beer belly and muscle-free arms. Now you’ve got an urgent Zoom meeting and you’re hoping none of your colleagues is quick-witted enough to make a snarky comment like: ‘Looks like NSYNC have been letting themselves go!’

Your baggiest t-shirt

Your Arcade Fire t-shirt is the last word in cool. Okay it’s older than your kids, but you’re not throwing it out. It has good ventilation due to the holes and reminds you of the early 2000s when you had youth, hair, hope and not an hour-long meeting about ‘building a market strategy via increased social media reach’ you’ll start zoning out of after four minutes.

Shorts

You’re not a shorts kind of guy. You haven’t actually worn shorts since you last did PE, and you think men who wear them in public look ridiculous. This is obviously transference of your self-loathing of your spindly ‘pipe cleaner man’ legs. You’re sure the Tesco delivery woman is glancing at them with sexual disgust.

Your underwear

Or rather, just your underwear. If you aren’t making the most of the warm weather by working remotely in just your underwear, can you truly call it homeworking? Our ancestors fought for our freedom, and that includes the freedom to look weird and a bit dodgy. That’s what you tell your colleagues on a video call anyway, although it’s not cutting much ice and they’ve clearly decided you are hopelessly addicted to internet porn.

Flip-flops

A super-cheap pair of old-skool pieces of foam with an uncomfortable plastic strap to go between your toes. You wish you’d invested in the designer kind with a logo and comfortable fabric when someone pops round and looks at them with amusement. Still, at least that didn’t cause you extreme physical pain, unlike the four times you’ve stubbed your toe today.