NEED to apologise to get the situation over with? Here’s how to insinuate that you’re not really to blame.
‘I’m sorry you feel that way’
The classic. Technically an apology, but one which cleverly places responsibility for the entire situation on the other person’s misguided feelings. All you said was that Clare is a ‘big fat cow with personal hygiene problems’. She shouldn’t be so oversensitive in meetings.
‘I’m sorry if I upset you’
The word ‘if’ does the heavy lifting here. You’re not admitting you upset them. You’re merely expressing regret that they have somehow become upset in circumstances that remain completely mysterious to you. Strangely, you don’t get off scot-free in court by simply stating: ‘If I didn’t murder him I’m not guilty.’
‘I’m sorry. I thought you understood’
Brilliant, pure genius. Especially effective because it begins as an apology and ends as an accusation. It’s not your fault he didn’t check your relationship wasn’t one of those monogamous ones. Oh we’re arguing about the definition of ‘being engaged’ now, are we? Typical mansplaining.
‘I apologise for my part in what happened’
Perfect if you want to suggest there were multiple parties involved and your contribution was approximately four per cent. It also strongly suggests that other people’s roles were considerably larger. It’s just so true. Angela White keeps making these interesting videos and your wife shouldn’t creep into the house like a f**king ninja. And nor should her mother.
‘I’m sorry, but…’
Followed by anything that makes the first two words completely meaningless. ‘I’m sorry, but you were being incredibly annoying’; ‘I’m sorry, but what did you expect me to do?’; ‘I’m sorry, but birthdays for ordinary people were only invented by the Romans, so as an Anglo-Saxon by heritage I had no understanding of this supposed concept.’
‘Fine. Sorry’
This is the most honest apology because it communicates three things. One, you are apologising. Two, you do not mean it. Three, you’re fully aware this is a tactical masterstroke because once you’ve technically apologised there’s nowhere for the conversation to go. Don’t hate the playa, hate the game, fuming girlfriend.