Between deadlines, school runs and the constant “what’s for dinner?” chat, even the best relationships can start running on autopilot.
It doesn’t mean the spark has gone or that you’ve stopped loving your partner, but rather that life has got in the way.
Writer Nell Frizzell knows this all too well – after 10 years with her partner and two young children, she admits she doesn’t have as much time or energy for her husband as she once did.
“I know we’re told to focus on quality time, physical touch and gaze into each other’s eyes lovingly but actually I am shouting at my husband to turn the eggs off.”
Frizzell says she’s at a “crunch point” in her life.
Her time, body and attention are being pulled in every direction – she’s raising children, caring for elderly parents, running the home and working all at the same time.
“And within all of that, where do you have the time to look into someone’s eyes and say you’re wonderful?” she asks.
Bring other people in
But Frizzell has discovered something that helps keep her relationship connection alive – something she calls a “third energy”.
Not in the bedroom, she laughs, but at the dinner table.
“If we go away, we go with another family and if we go out to dinner, I love having friends there,” she explains.
It’s a surprisingly simple idea – but Frizzell says having dinner with another couple, friends or family really does work as the presence of other people naturally changes the dynamic.
She says sometimes a so-called date night “where you’re sat across the table with the person you live with and trying to come up with something new to say” can be intense, so another person can help provide a new conversation starter or a fresh perspective.
Frizzell says: “I find him incredibly attractive when we’re with people we don’t see all the time as they ask him questions I wouldn’t think to ask or tell him things I wouldn’t tell him.”
Psychotherapist Susanna Abse says a little space and variety can be vital to a successful relationship.
“Couples can end up moving around each other but avoiding real contact,” she says.
Truly noticing your partner can make a big difference.
“Instead of coming downstairs in the morning and getting on with millions of chores, see what state your partner is in.”
Abse recommends asking them questions like how they are feeling or what their day looks like as “curiosity is key”.
Clinical psychologist Dr Amani Milligan says spending quality time together is also important.
That doesn’t mean a grand gesture and Dr Milligan says it can be as simple as taking a random Thursday off work together or setting rules like no phones before bed so you can catch up on each other’s days.
Relationships can come with endless distractions from emails and notifications on your phone to endless piles of laundry or dishes that need sorting.
Abse says electronic devices can make couples more distant.
“Protest if your partner is on their phone all the time and set some rules you can both agree to.”
Schedule sex
It’s near impossible to talk about keeping love alive without mentioning physical intimacy and Frizzell swears by scheduling it.
“It might feel administrative to say ‘this is when we’ll have sex’ but with small children, it’s absolutely key and it’s something to look forward to.”
Abse agrees with that practical approach and says if you’re not having sex “you have to recognise the risk in that” if you’re both not happy with the arrangement as “affairs often arise from unsatisfied needs”.
When we’re time poor or have a lot on, sex can be one of the first things to go but Abse says you should try to “allow yourself to be persuadable”.
“You don’t get into bed feeling very sexual but maybe with your partner’s attention that might change.”
Focusing more on each other and seeing her partner anew has improved Frizzell’s relationship.
The final lesson she has learnt is that it’s important to keep a little mystery from each other.
“Close the toilet door and have a bit of separation – by all means have a joint project but that shouldn’t be going to the loo,” she laughs.