A 28-YEAR-OLD man is delighted to be diagnosed as having ‘anxious avoidant attachment’ by the enthusiastic amateurs on his girlfriend’s group chat.
Rubin, not his real name, who had previously thought of himself as a straightforward sort of bloke who occasionally has a nap, was happy to learn several women he had met briefly had developed a comprehensive psychological profile of him.
He said: “Apparently these women, none of whom have any qualifications but I’m told Marie is very good at matchmaking, have identified a pattern in my behaviour dating back to childhood.
“Thanks to some Instagram reels and a podcast clip, these layman psychologists believe I am commitment-phobic, emotionally unavailable but inexplicably clingy and suffering from a fear of abandonment. Which seems a perfectly rational thing to fear.
“Apparently saying ‘whatever you want, babe’ to restaurant suggestions is a manifestation of my fear of losing control. And I stand accused of ‘weaponised incompetence’ because I forgot our anniversary. I didn’t know we had one. We’re not married.
“Yet for all their expertise regarding the male psyche, they still can’t explain why I get irritated when she asks what I’m thinking and then becomes upset when I tell her it’s football. Sometimes it’s not about her. Very often it’s about Everton.
“Sophie says I need therapy. But I’m already getting it for free against my will in a group chat full of women who claim 20 minutes of silence is a ‘quiet plea for help’.”