A MAN’S attempts to cure his hangovers are getting increasingly complicated to the point where they may be too difficult to do while hungover.
Martin, 41, not his real name, in the difficult position of loving getting shitfaced, but finding that quick, no-nonsense hangover cures have stopped working as well due to being old.
He said: “When I was younger I used to be able to shake a hangover off by mid-morning with coffee, a shower and maybe a quick vomit. Those happy days are gone.
“Drinking a litre of orange juice with a full English breakfast worked for a bit, but I was forced to move on to wanking and sleeping for ages. Sadly nowadays two wanks just wear me out, and spending most of the day in bed isn’t much use unless you can turn up to work at 5pm.
“So now my preparations start the night before by downing a pint of milk thistle juice while having a cold shower, then sleeping sitting upright so the alcohol doesn’t stay in my brain.
“In the morning I do the local park’s boot camp, which purges jets of toxins through my mouth, then I take an ice bath and sit down to a breakfast of dry sourdough toast with whale song playing in the background.
“The only problem is it’s way too exhausting to do with a hangover. A bloke in the pub swears by Thai massage, but hungover I’m not sure I could cope with the social interaction. Or a wank.”
Friend Cad, not his real name, said: “Martin could just meet us in the pub at lunchtime for an ever-reliable hair of the dog, but he’s going to an acupuncturist once he’s finished his kelp and wheatgrass smoothie.”