MEETING an old pal you haven’t seen in years only to find he’s not only sober, but proud of it? Here’s how the long, long evening will inevitably pan out:
Awkward conversation
The talking used to take care of itself as the pints went down. Now it’s just you on the Stella because he’s moved on as, it seems, has any spark of interest he once held. Nod sagely as he waffles about work, his kids’ educational prospects, and how much better off he is physically and financially now he’s off the booze. Take frequent sips.
Time crawling by
It feels like he’s been detailing how his garden office is set up for hours. How can it only be minutes? Why did you arrange to meet so early? To give you more drinking time. At least three hours lie ahead and it’s only going to get harder. Finally you understand how women feel on dates.
Making a pint last an hour
Not drinking isn’t an option, but nor will getting drunk help. Nothing worse than being hammered while a man who used to party explains how he trained for a charity bike ride. And he’s judging you for every pint, so you’ve got to draw it out. It’s been an hour, you’re only halfway down it and you’re actually getting thirstier.
Try and remember something to tell him
What have you done since 2019? Well, there was… lockdown… you got an air-fryer… Christ, your life can’t be this uneventful. If you were both drunk incidents would be flying out, but now he’s given up the sauce and, coincidentally, become unbearably dull you can’t think of anything he would consider news. ‘We’re thinking of getting solar panels,’ you slur.
Think of excuses to leave
Got work in the morning? No, it’s a Friday night. Feeling ill? He may question why you’re already on your fifth pint. Need to relieve the babysitter? No, you already told him your wife’s looking after the kids in return for a good bottle of Merlot. You can’t think of anything. Maybe another drink will help.
Get dragged for a curry
‘Pubs bore me,’ says the man who’s failed to understand the reason they exist, and so he suggests a curry. And now you’re in an environment where most people are sober it becomes apparent how smashed you are. Beating yourself to death with the poppadum tray will be a long and difficult process but you’re out of options.