THE time has come to select your flavour of forced festivity with workmates. But you’re offered bone-dry turkey or pan-roasted hake when these are the options you want:
Not sitting next to the boss
Free wine gets you through most painful small talk. Not an option if you’re engaged in what is effectively a three-hour job interview with the man or woman who holds your future in their hands. While wearing an orange paper crown. One tipsy misstep could give away that you don’t know what you’re doing or why the company exists.
No f**king Christmas music
Nothing ruins the festive mood more. Except those who love it, demand everyone name their favourite Christmas song and you ruin the mood by choosing Steeleye Span’s version of Gaudete. Ideally, the event would take place in complete silence or be soundtracked by something everyone likes, such as 70s prog rockers Van der Graaf Generator.
Opting out of Secret Santa
It’s hard enough to buy thoughtful presents for those you love, let alone those you speak to once a month in the office kitchen. All you know about Tom is that he’s an HR Manager who drinks coffee and goes to the toilet. Those might not be his main interests, but he’s getting a novelty toilet-shaped jar of coffee regardless.
Donna shouldn’t be allowed to drink
You like Donna, which is why you spend every works do keeping her sober. Terrible things happen when she isn’t – snogging interns, vomiting in fish tanks, trying to score coke off bus drivers. Who could forget those eight hours in A&E after Donna broke her nose attempting to flush the toilet in All Bar One? Donna, apparently.
A 5pm curfew
Work socials are still work. Continuing after your allotted hours is unpaid overtime. You’d rather be at home but you’re forced to get smashed, go to a karaoke bar to perform Gimme Gimme Gimme, stagger home at 2am and piss in the garden. Then explain to your partner how you resented every second while nursing a massive hangover.
Everyone gets £50 to go to the pub on their own
The ultimate Christmas party option would be for everyone to piss off. Fifty notes stuck behind the bar of an old-man local to sink pints alone and happy. None of those bastards from the office around and nothing to do but get hammered. But that’s not what Christmas is all about, is it?