Dear Deidre on Sex

DEAR DEIDRE: WHENEVER I check into a hotel with my lover for sex, I feel judged by the staff and guilty about cheating on my husband.

I can see them glancing at each other, whispering that I’m a cheat, and laughing at me when they think I’m not looking at them.

But I’m not a bad person. I just want to be loved and wanted, and my husband doesn’t appreciate me.

I’m in my mid-thirties and have been married for five years. My husband is ten years older. He is a nice guy and I love him, but our sex life is rubbish and he bores me.

Last year, I was so frustrated and unhappy that I started browsing hook-up sites. I didn’t want a relationship, just sex and excitement.

I found a guy there who, like me, was unhappily married.

We agreed to meet in a seedy hotel on the outskirts of town for sex. The first time, it was thrilling. I felt like I was playing a role in a film. The sex was rough and energetic, and I really enjoyed it.

But afterwards, my lover — who is my age — cuddled me for about 30 seconds. Then he jumped up to shower, as he had to go back to his wife.

I felt grubby. But the feeling soon passed, and it wasn’t long before we then repeated the experience.

Now we meet whenever it’s convenient. We don’t have meals out or dates — it’s purely sex.

But I’ve started feeling increasingly used and guilty.

When you walk into a hotel in the middle of the day and check out an hour or so later, everyone knows why you’re there. It’s humiliating.

I’ve realised cheating isn’t making me any happier. But I also need to feel wanted.

What should I do?

DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve tried to fill the big void in your marriage with no-strings sex.

But sex with your lover is empty, and so it can’t fill anything. Instead, it’s making you feel more unhappy, and worse about yourself.

Perhaps it’s time to put an end to your affair before you and your lover get discovered by one of your spouses.

If you love your husband, it’s worth putting your energies into improving your relationship. My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, should help.

Seeing a couple therapist will give you a safe space to talk about the problems in your marriage and sex life.

You can set up an appointment with Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1975).

If this doesn’t work, or isn’t an option, perhaps you need to think about ending your marriage.

THANK YOU FOR HELP ESCAPING MY ABUSIVE MALE PAL

DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I found myself in a toxic situation with a male friend who had sexually assaulted me several times, I didn’t know what to do.

I was confused because we’d stayed close after he did it the first time, and I felt I’d encouraged him by getting drunk, dancing and flirting.

He’d touch my breasts and private parts, force me to kiss him and take his clothes off uninvited. We’d been pals since we were students. I’m 32, he’s 33.

After the assaults, he’d always apologise and promise it wouldn’t happen again. You were so understanding and made me see it wasn’t my fault.

You advised me to contact Rape Crisis (rapecrisis.org.uk, 0808 500 2222) for support and to think about reporting him to the police.

You also acknowledged how ending my friendship would be hard, and helped me think about how I could make my life better, improve my self-esteem so I was less vulnerable and stop feeling lonely.

And you followed up to see if I was OK. I did go to the police and learned I wasn’t the only woman he’d assaulted.

Although I’m still struggling, I am now getting help.

I know it will take a long time to deal with what I’ve been through.

Thank you for being there, Deidre.

DEIDRE SAYS: Hopefully he won’t now be able to do this to another woman. It will take time for the pain to ease, but you are brave and strong.

ONLINE BOYFRIEND WILL NOT SHOW ME HIS FACE

DEAR DEIDRE: MY relationship is in trouble – although so far we have only chatted online, and he is too shy to even show his face.

He is an influencer and I’ve become super-jealous of all his female fans.

We connected on Instagram six months ago. We’re both in our late twenties and live hundreds of miles apart.

We soon moved on from DMs to WhatsApp and quickly realised we were falling for each other.

So, we agreed to be in an exclusive long-distance relationship.

We message back and forth all day, every day and talk about everything. I feel like we know each other inside out – he’s my soulmate.

But even though I’d quite like to do a video call some time, he says he’s too shy, and he always chickens out at the last minute.

That really bugs me because he’s not too shy to make content for his fans – most of whom are other girls.

We argue about it a lot and I can’t help feeling jealous. He says he doesn’t know them, and that I’m the one he loves.

He talks a lot about the future and how we’re going to get married – even though we haven’t set a date to meet.

But I worry he’s going to fall for one of his thousands of fans.

What can I do to cope with this better?

DEIDRE SAYS: It’s strange that your boyfriend is confident enough to make video content for his fans, but too shy to show his face to the woman he professes to love.

I’m afraid to say, that’s ringing alarm bells for me. I wonder if he’s not the person you think he is and doesn’t want you to find out.

Long-distance relationships can work, but you do need to meet up at some point, or there’s no future.

Perhaps you need to ask him to be really honest with you about why he refuses to show you his face.

My support pack, Love Online, has more information about this which may be of help to you.

DEAR DEIDRE: EVEN though my married lover wants to be with me full time, she is terrified about how her husband will react if she leaves him. He is a violent bully.

Her husband is domineering and abusive.

He treats her and her eight-year-old son like dirt. He controls everything.

She has given up seeing her friends, he constantly checks her phone and she has lost contact with all of her family.

I am 33, she is 31 and I can’t tell you how upset I get when she tells me about how he shouts, shoves and lashes out at her.

She works for my sister’s catering business and from the moment I was introduced to her I liked her.

We’d always spend our lunchtime together and I would feel so excited about seeing her.

Recently I bought her a small gift when I went on holiday.

I was taken aback when she dissolved into tears explaining it was the loveliest thing a man had done for her. We ended up kissing and she started coming around to my house whenever she could.

She can’t ever stay for long enough but we have the most wonderful sex.

My sister warned me to stay away because her husband has a bad reputation, she said he was capable of anything, but I refused to listen, and the affair has continued.

I am desperate for my lover to leave this awful man. While she wants to be with me too, she is so frightened that he will become physically violent towards her.

I worry I am being weak because I haven’t stood up to him, even though I know that her safety has to come first

DEIDRE SAYS: Stay away from him. Getting involved will only create more problems and place your lover in danger.

She needs to make leaving him a priority for herself and her son, but it has to come from her.

It’s so damaging for her son to see his mum being treated so badly.

Stress this to her and suggest she talks to the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (nationaldahelpline.org.uk, 0800 2000 247).

While you can be there to support her, she has a better chance of leaving safely if she doesn’t rush straight into a relationship with you.

Even a marriage she is desperate to be out of is a loss and she’ll need to adjust before she can begin to contemplate a future with you.

PARTNER PREFERS HIMSELF

DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend has admitted he pleasures himself three or four times a week, and now I feel he doesn’t fancy me as we rarely have sex.

He blames his low sex drive on being stressed but he has always been like this.

I’m 35 and he’s 36. We’ve been together for eight months. Everything else in our relationship is great.

We only see each other on weekends, which could be part of the problem. We’re both so busy with our jobs, fitness and friends. For example, I go to the gym twice a week and go out with my girlfriends regularly.

My boyfriend insists his low sex drive is because of his new job. It’s very stressful but he’s no different to how he was when I first met him.

Now I realise he masturbates so much, I’m convinced he doesn’t fancy me, rather than there being a problem with his sex drive.

DEIDRE SAYS: There’s not much wrong with his sex drive. It sounds like he has got into the habit of finding sexual satisfaction alone, which is lazy and selfish.

He needs to face up to what is happening rather than using stress as an excuse. Tell him how damaging his behaviour is to your relationship.

Suggest setting aside an evening together each week for chat, kisses and cuddles with no pressure to have full sex, even though that could be the likely result.

My support pack Different Sex Drives will help.

DREAM TO WED BUT BOYFRIEND’S SO CRUEL TO ME

DEAR DEIDRE: ALL I want is to get married and have a family. I constantly fantasise about my boyfriend proposing but deep down I know he won’t – ever.

Years ago, I was told that I would have difficulty getting pregnant.

I am 32 and my boyfriend is 36. We’ve been together for almost three years. He says he doesn’t want to marry or have children.

Recently, he has twice tried to break up with me. I’m sure it’s because I have gained weight – something I am not proud of – but I am dieting and have started running and going to the gym.

He knows I am making an effort but he also says that I don’t keep the house as tidy as he’d like. I work full-time and often do overtime so there isn’t a lot of time for housework.

Most days I only have enough energy to come home, eat and get a decent night’s sleep.

I feel as though I walk on eggshells around him and it is beginning to get me down.

A few weeks ago, I met a man at work who is so kind and makes me feel lovely. I know it is early days, and we are still getting to know each other, but ultimately I am going to have to choose. Which way should I go?

DEIDRE SAYS: After three years together, it is only natural you are thinking about the future, but marriage and children are not the main issue here.

To be blunt, he is being cruel. These are not the actions of a loving and respectful partner. There are serious issues that need to be discussed honestly if you’re going to build a future.

Let him know how his behaviour leaves you feeling, but don’t stay in a relationship where you’re permanently on edge.

Do decide what you really want before involving yourself with another man.

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DEAR DEIDRE: OPENING up our relationship has been thrilling and better than I expected, until my boyfriend’s latest suggestion – that he sleeps with my childhood best friend.

Non-monogamy made our sex life far more exciting as we shared our adventures with each other. I’ve had three different partners, he’s had two and we always talk about our experiences after. It’s such a thrill.

But now he’s been making a move on a friend of mine and it feels too close to home. And instead of just talking about their adventures after, he wants to record it and ‘enjoy the footage together’.

His request feels like he’s overstepping the mark. I almost thought we didn’t need to say it but surely we shouldn’t be bringing in people we know already – let alone people we are close to.

And it’s one thing talking about our escapades and another thing being confronted with the evidence.

My boyfriend and I met three years ago in London, after I moved from the south coast. I’m 27 and he’s 28.

We’ve been living together for just over two years and everything has been great.

It was my suggestion to try polyamory. Although at first he was cautious, after we both researched how to open up your relationship, he agreed to give it a go.

We’ve been non-monagamous for over a year now and make sure that we keep checking in with each other. 

Our rules are simple, that we tell each other who we are seeing, and that we let the other person know our relationship status.

People warned me it would wreck our relationship but I’d say it’s done the opposite – up until now anyway. Our sex life is so much better and we talk about our sexual exploits with others which is so erotic.

I look at friends in long term relationships and can see they are getting bored staying in together night after night.

There is always so much going on in London, and I’ve loved exploring all the different areas when I’ve been on different dates.

I’ve seen three different guys regularly and my boyfriend has two regular women he hooks up with.

I’ve never felt a twinge of jealousy before, but I could tell when he came back to my home town with me at Christmas he’d taken a shine to my friend.

Not long after we returned he told me he’s started messaging her and was going to ask her out.

He seemed surprised when I got upset. 

He’d be making a big effort to see her as he’d have to travel over an hour and a half to get there. 

Am I being over sensitive or does he want to go too far?

DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve researched how to make non-monogamy work so will know the first rule is that you both have to be 100% happy with the arrangement.

The moment one of you feels unhappy or even unsure is the time to pause and reevaluate.

Talk to your boyfriend about your reservations. He won’t appreciate your position unless you explain.

This potential liaison isn’t solely about your boyfriend and his extra partner, it’s also about a pre-existing relationship between you and your childhood friend.

While you are totally at ease with your open relationship in London, bringing it closer to home, where you grew up and your family is, understandably feels different.

And as you say, your boyfriend would have to make a big effort to meet your friend, which could mean he’s getting emotionally involved. 

Opening up your relationship for sexual relationships is one thing, but multiple romantic relationships can be much harder to navigate.

Again you both need to be clear about what you want from non-monogamy – is this about multiple sexual partners, or are extra emotional relationships okay?

My support pack Non-Monogamy explains more.

Dear Deidre’s Non-Monogamy Files

Deidre’s mailbag is bursting with open relationship problems. One reader was cut off by her best friend after finding out about her polyamorous relationship; another from a different subscriber who struggled with the reality of telling his family about his throuple, while one man was asked to open his relationship to hide his wife’s true sexuality.

Get in touch with the Dear Deidre team

Every problem gets a personal reply from one of our trained counsellors.

Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women’s issues and general features.

Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week. 

Sally took over as The Sun’s Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago.

The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes:

Kate Taylor: a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books.

Jane Allton: a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies.

Catherine Thomas: with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues.

Fill out and submit our easy-to-use and confidential form and the Dear Deidre team will get back to you.

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