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DEAR DEIDRE: WHENEVER I check into a hotel with my lover for sex, I feel judged by the staff and guilty about cheating on my husband.
I can see them glancing at each other, whispering that I’m a cheat, and laughing at me when they think I’m not looking at them.
But I’m not a bad person. I just want to be loved and wanted, and my husband doesn’t appreciate me.
I’m in my mid-thirties and have been married for five years. My husband is ten years older. He is a nice guy and I love him, but our sex life is rubbish and he bores me.
Last year, I was so frustrated and unhappy that I started browsing hook-up sites. I didn’t want a relationship, just sex and excitement.
I found a guy there who, like me, was unhappily married.
We agreed to meet in a seedy hotel on the outskirts of town for sex. The first time, it was thrilling. I felt like I was playing a role in a film. The sex was rough and energetic, and I really enjoyed it.
But afterwards, my lover — who is my age — cuddled me for about 30 seconds. Then he jumped up to shower, as he had to go back to his wife.
I felt grubby. But the feeling soon passed, and it wasn’t long before we then repeated the experience.
Now we meet whenever it’s convenient. We don’t have meals out or dates — it’s purely sex.
But I’ve started feeling increasingly used and guilty.
When you walk into a hotel in the middle of the day and check out an hour or so later, everyone knows why you’re there. It’s humiliating.
I’ve realised cheating isn’t making me any happier. But I also need to feel wanted.
What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve tried to fill the big void in your marriage with no-strings sex.
But sex with your lover is empty, and so it can’t fill anything. Instead, it’s making you feel more unhappy, and worse about yourself.
Perhaps it’s time to put an end to your affair before you and your lover get discovered by one of your spouses.
If you love your husband, it’s worth putting your energies into improving your relationship. My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, should help.
Seeing a couple therapist will give you a safe space to talk about the problems in your marriage and sex life.
You can set up an appointment with Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1975).
If this doesn’t work, or isn’t an option, perhaps you need to think about ending your marriage.
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I found myself in a toxic situation with a male friend who had sexually assaulted me several times, I didn’t know what to do.
I was confused because we’d stayed close after he did it the first time, and I felt I’d encouraged him by getting drunk, dancing and flirting.
He’d touch my breasts and private parts, force me to kiss him and take his clothes off uninvited. We’d been pals since we were students. I’m 32, he’s 33.
After the assaults, he’d always apologise and promise it wouldn’t happen again. You were so understanding and made me see it wasn’t my fault.
You advised me to contact Rape Crisis (rapecrisis.org.uk, 0808 500 2222) for support and to think about reporting him to the police.
You also acknowledged how ending my friendship would be hard, and helped me think about how I could make my life better, improve my self-esteem so I was less vulnerable and stop feeling lonely.
And you followed up to see if I was OK. I did go to the police and learned I wasn’t the only woman he’d assaulted.
Although I’m still struggling, I am now getting help.
I know it will take a long time to deal with what I’ve been through.
Thank you for being there, Deidre.
DEIDRE SAYS: Hopefully he won’t now be able to do this to another woman. It will take time for the pain to ease, but you are brave and strong.
DEAR DEIDRE: I’M so embarrassed that my colleagues at work gossip about my self-harm scars.
I’ve been trying really hard to stop, but knowing people are talking about me makes me want to do it more.
I’m an 18-year-old girl who works in a supermarket. Since I was 15, I’ve suffered from anxiety and have cut myself.
I feel I can’t wear short-sleeved tops due to the scars, even when it’s really hot, and people have noticed.
It’s upsetting me so much.
DEIDRE SAYS: Being gossiped about is horrible. It’s worse when it’s affecting your mental health.
Perhaps you should confide in your manager so they can help to support you.
Self-harming is a way of dealing with emotional pain. Talking to someone can help.
For confidential counselling for under-25s, contact The Mix (themix.org.uk).
DEAR DEIDRE: MY relationship is in trouble – although so far we have only chatted online, and he is too shy to even show his face.
He is an influencer and I’ve become super-jealous of all his female fans.
We connected on Instagram six months ago. We’re both in our late twenties and live hundreds of miles apart.
We soon moved on from DMs to WhatsApp and quickly realised we were falling for each other.
So, we agreed to be in an exclusive long-distance relationship.
We message back and forth all day, every day and talk about everything. I feel like we know each other inside out – he’s my soulmate.
But even though I’d quite like to do a video call some time, he says he’s too shy, and he always chickens out at the last minute.
That really bugs me because he’s not too shy to make content for his fans – most of whom are other girls.
We argue about it a lot and I can’t help feeling jealous. He says he doesn’t know them, and that I’m the one he loves.
He talks a lot about the future and how we’re going to get married – even though we haven’t set a date to meet.
But I worry he’s going to fall for one of his thousands of fans.
What can I do to cope with this better?
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s strange that your boyfriend is confident enough to make video content for his fans, but too shy to show his face to the woman he professes to love.
I’m afraid to say, that’s ringing alarm bells for me. I wonder if he’s not the person you think he is and doesn’t want you to find out.
Long-distance relationships can work, but you do need to meet up at some point, or there’s no future.
Perhaps you need to ask him to be really honest with you about why he refuses to show you his face.
My support pack, Love Online, has more information about this which may be of help to you.
DEAR DEIDRE: I’VE fallen for a colleague – but I’m worried if I tell her, she’ll reject me or even report me for sexual harassment.
She has no idea how I feel. But I know she’s my perfect woman. I’m a 40-year-old man and she’s 34, and part of the same team.
We’ve worked together for a year, and although I noticed her cracking figure and pretty face from the off, I’ve fallen for her personality too. She’s funny, kind and patient.
I know she’s single as she recently broke up with her boyfriend. However, if I do or say anything, it could make her feel really uneasy. Not to mention that other people might gossip about us.
So how can I get the message across to her without causing any issues?
DEIDRE SAYS: In the days before dating apps, a high percentage of people met their partners at work.
It’s not surprising feelings develop, given how much time we spend with our colleagues. But some workplaces frown on romances between employees. Before you do or say anything, check out your company’s policy.
As for what to say to her, you could suggest an afterwork coffee or drink, so you can get an idea of whether she is interested in you.
Don’t be overtly flirty, just be friendly. She may already have picked up vibes that you’re interested.
If she agrees to go, and it goes well, ask her again. Let things develop slowly.
If she says no, at least you’ll know where you stand. At the very worst, you’ll still have a friendship.
My support pack, How To Date Successfully, may help.
DEAR DEIDRE: THE inappropriately close relationship I had with my brother is now ruining my experience of motherhood.
I’m so scared that history will repeat itself that I can’t leave my young children alone together, and I panic when they touch each other.
When I was 17 and my brother was 18, we had a secret relationship — which I instigated.
What started as naive, teenage experimentation turned into an incestuously sexual relationship, which lasted until I left home.
I’ve never told a soul about it, and neither has he.
It wasn’t abusive but we are both aware it was socially unacceptable and against the law, and feel ashamed of what happened.
I can’t explain it, except to say that we were brought up in a strictly religious household where sex was considered to be a sin.
Neither of us was allowed to date or go out to parties and the like.
We were also exceptionally close, perhaps because we were so near to each other in age, without many friends.
I’m now 39 and married with two young children — a boy and a girl who are six and four.
He’s still single. We’re still in touch but we don’t talk about the past.
I didn’t dwell on it until my daughter became a toddler, and began to interact with her brother.
Suddenly, I felt terrified of what might occur if I didn’t prevent it.
I started keeping my kids apart, making them play alone in their rooms.
If I see them play-fighting, I pull them apart.
My husband is starting to notice. I know this isn’t normal, and I worry it’s harming their development.
Please help. All I want is for my children to have a happy, ordinary childhood.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’re brave to admit what happened and to ask for help. You’re not a bad person.
Clearly you love your children and don’t want to damage them.
But, as you’re aware, it’s important they are allowed to interact normally.
What occurred between you and your brother was unusual – though not unheard of – and it’s very unlikely history will repeat itself, especially if your children aren’t brought up in the strictly religious way you were.
It sounds like you may be more traumatised by what happened – and more guilty about it – than you’d allowed yourself to believe.
Speaking about this to people who understand and won’t judge will help you. You can talk in confidence to nspcc.org.uk (0808 800 5000).
You would also benefit from counselling. Read my support pack, How Counselling Can Help.
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend never liked how close I was to my male mate, but I told him it was platonic.
Now I’m worried his fear was well-founded, after my friend crossed a line.
I’m 29, my partner is 30 and we’ve been together two years. My pal and I have known each other since uni. We’d meet for drinks or text about music and life – nothing flirty.
My boyfriend didn’t love it but I told him there he had nothing to fear.
Yet a few nights ago, when my friend walked me home after a gig, without warning he grabbed me and kissed me on the mouth.
I pushed him away and told him he was out of order. He just shrugged and said he “had to try”.
I told my boyfriend immediately – but instead of supporting me, he called me a cheat and stormed out.
I’m upset at how they’ve both behaved. How can I get life back on track?
DEIDRE SAYS: What your friend did was a serious violation of your trust and consent.
You can contact victimsupport.org.uk (0808 168 9111), who can offer free, confidential help.
You did the right thing by being honest with your boyfriend, but his reaction isn’t fair or helpful.
Jealousy can be painful, but it shouldn’t lead to unfair accusations.
Consider having a calm conversation when he’s ready, explaining how his response to this situation has made you feel.
DEAR DEIDRE: MY addiction to inter-racial porn is stopping me from developing relationships. I think I need help but I don’t know what sort.
I am a 25-year-old man. I have dated women but I have never had a sex life. The first few times I attempted sex were a complete failure and an embarrassment so I stopped trying.
I then discovered porn and I find it suits me best to watch it.
I am a white guy but I especially like watching white women with black men.
It literally makes me stop in my tracks if I am out in the street and I see a white woman and a black man together.
I know full well that my addiction is preventing me from developing relationships.
I am worried that I might be bisexual too, as I can be turned on by both men and women. I am so confused.
DEIDRE SAYS: Online porn is designed to be addictive and it is brave of you to admit to having a problem.
My support packs Internet Pornography Worry? and Addicted To Sex have lots of information about this and on where you can turn for help.
The best way to try to understand more about your sexuality is to talk through your feelings with someone who understands.
Contact switchboard.lgbt (0300 330 0630) for confidential advice and my support pack, Bisexual Questions, will help you, too.
DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife has just bought another dog after we had to have two rehomed a year ago because the neighbours complained about the noise they made.
They wouldn’t stop barking if we left them on their own and were still pretty noisy even when one of us was there.
I am 44 and my wife is 39. We have been together for ten years.
We both work full time and are often out in the evening, so the dogs were left alone for quite long periods on our work days.
One of our neighbours became very aggressive when he complained about the noise.
He swore at me and my wife and threatened us.
It was a very stressful time and in the end it really got to me – the constant barking of the dogs, the rows I was having with my wife about it and then this neighbour having a go at me every time I went outside.
One day I ended up in a fight with this guy when he saw me in the nearby pub – all because of the dogs. The police were called to break it up.
After that, the only option I could see was that the dogs had to be rehomed.
My wife was very much against it and still resents me for making it happen. I thought that was the end of it, but she has now spent money which we can’t afford on a puppy.
She didn’t even ask my opinion. I arrived home one evening to find the dog in our kitchen.
Worse still, even though it cries all night she is talking about getting another one.
I wish she could see what it’s doing to me.
DEIDRE SAYS: She is disregarding your feelings. You need to talk to her and explain how hurtful her behaviour is.
Things can be different this time but your wife needs to understand the puppy needs proper training.
You can talk to the vet for advice on classes. Your puppy also needs plenty of exercise once it is old enough.
The result will be a happier, more settled dog and your neighbours will benefit, too.
THINKING about opening up your relationship to another person can bring a mix of excitement, curiosity and nerves.
Taking time to discuss what you want – and don’t want – can help make the experience more enjoyable and reduce misunderstandings.
A Superdrug survey found 95 per cent of men and 87 per cent of women said they fantasised about sex with multiple partners.
My support pack Thinking Of A Threesome? can guide you through.
DEAR DEIDRE: IF my best pal finds out that I’m having an affair with his mum, it will ruin our friendship and tear his family apart.
I’m 20, the same age as my mate. He has two siblings, aged 17 and 15.
I’ve known his mum, who is 49, since I was a kid. She used to pick me up from school sometimes when my mum was working late.
She was our biggest supporter when we played football for our local team, always ready with encouragement and snacks.
When we were in our early teens, her husband cheated on her.
My mate told me how she didn’t cope well, but within the year she’d moved on with another guy, who she was with for three years.
But that relationship also ended when he moved abroad for work.
Soon after, I bumped into her in a new cafe in town.
I helped her carry her shopping home, chatting all the way.
When we got there, she asked me to do a little DIY job while I was there.
My mate is away at training college so isn’t around to help her.
She also asked me if I could do a few other repairs for her and I agreed to do them.
The next time I went round, though, we began flirting.
Before I knew it, we were kissing and cuddling. We went to her bedroom — she led me there by the hand.
We ended up having the most awesome sex. Afterwards, she said it was a one-off not to be repeated.
However, we have had sex many times since then.
She is really worried that my mate will find out, but we are very careful — and so far our secret is safe.
I love her, but she says I need to find a woman my own age. I worry that someone will get hurt and it’s likely to be me.
DEIDRE SAYS: This relationship won’t ever work. She’s running a home with no partner to give her support, but she should know better than to seduce her son’s friend.
Your mate would be devastated if he knew what his mother is doing, and you stand to lose his friendship if he ever finds out.
You don’t have to give in to temptation. Don’t go round to her house again.
Get out with friends your own age and give yourself the chance of a more equal relationship.
You’ve had a lucky escape and got away with it.
Put it down to experience and get on with enjoying your life.
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
DEAR DEIDRE: I CANNOT stop feeling angry with my ex-wife – who I broke up with after coming home early one day and seeing her in bed with another guy.
I am 36. I thought we had a great relationship, but clearly I was wrong.
We had been married for five years and were talking about starting a family.
But she began going out regularly, getting drunk and not coming home until the early hours.
After I caught her cheating, we divorced. She has remarried and has a baby. I have moved on, too, and am now with a wonderful woman.
Our mutual friends have accepted my ex’s new husband, yet they don’t seem to want to know my partner, who has done nothing wrong. It feels like I am being punished for her affair when I am completely innocent.
My ex’s life seems to be going so smoothly. She hasn’t suffered in the way I did and I sometimes wish she had. Why can’t I just move on?
DEIDRE SAYS: The fact you are still hurt and angry over the loss of your marriage is understandable. You were betrayed in the worst way possible.
Counselling could help you to find peace and contentment with your new partner and leave the past behind. My support pack, How Counselling Helps, explains more.
Unfortunately, many people feel pressured to choose sides when a couple divorce.
Building up new friendships will help shift your focus from this pain.
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER my ex gave me genital herpes, I worry my chances of dating someone new are ruined. I am devastated.
I am a 24-year-old single woman. I was with my boyfriend for two years, but I discovered through a mutual friend that he had been cheating on me all the time we were together.
And he gave me herpes. I am so ashamed because I know the stigma around this condition. The thought of telling someone new is so daunting, but saying nothing is putting them at risk of going through the same nightmare.
It is all I think about from the minute I wake up until I go to sleep at night.
It is really knocking my confidence as I’m scared about what any guy’s reaction will be. I think they are likely to run a mile.
I feel very alone and it’s never off my mind. My mum keeps telling me not to worry about it as it’s very common.
It is stopping me from even attempting to date and getting close to someone.
DEIDRE SAYS: There is no reason to avoid meeting new partners. You can have a safe sex life without passing on the virus.
Don’t feel ashamed about what has happened, herpes is a common virus.
You can get detailed advice from the Herpes Viruses Association (herpes.org.uk, 0845 123 2305), who can help you get on with your life.
My support pack, Raising Self-Esteem, will give you a confidence boost.
DEAR DEIDRE: A DRUNKEN game of truth or dare went disastrously wrong when I admitted to my husband that my ex had a bigger penis than him.
I bitterly regret blurting this out and, since then, our once regular, amazing sex life has virtually died out completely.
I am 33 and my husband is 35. We have been married for eight years.
He was so hurt and admitted that something inside him just switched off and destroyed his sex drive.
Apart from the lack of sex, we have a wonderful relationship.
We are very tactile and always have lots of kisses and cuddles.
He is my best friend and always calls me every day when he is at work to say that he loves me. I know that I have let him down terribly.
Since that night, sex has dwindled to a couple of times a year at best.
And it’s always me who initiates it when my husband has had a few drinks. He admits he probably needs help, but he never does anything about it.
It is so frustrating. I feel like I am being punished even though I have apologised for my mistake many times.
I am missing the sensual closeness and intimacy of sex. My friends all say we are lucky to be so in love and happy. If they knew the truth, they would be shocked.
DEIDRE SAYS: If your husband already had insecure feelings about his size, then your confession would intensify that.
You have apologised and I assume that you have never complained about your sex life before this.
Reassure your husband that being a great lover is about skill, not penis size, and you are more than happy.
Tell him how much you miss being intimate and want to get your sex life back to normal. My support pack on Penis Size will reassure him.
Watch what you drink in future, to avoid being insensitive.
1
DEAR DEIDRE: OPENING up our relationship has been thrilling and better than I expected, until my boyfriend’s latest suggestion – that he sleeps with my childhood best friend.
Non-monogamy made our sex life far more exciting as we shared our adventures with each other. I’ve had three different partners, he’s had two and we always talk about our experiences after. It’s such a thrill.
But now he’s been making a move on a friend of mine and it feels too close to home. And instead of just talking about their adventures after, he wants to record it and ‘enjoy the footage together’.
His request feels like he’s overstepping the mark. I almost thought we didn’t need to say it but surely we shouldn’t be bringing in people we know already – let alone people we are close to.
And it’s one thing talking about our escapades and another thing being confronted with the evidence.
My boyfriend and I met three years ago in London, after I moved from the south coast. I’m 27 and he’s 28.
We’ve been living together for just over two years and everything has been great.
It was my suggestion to try polyamory. Although at first he was cautious, after we both researched how to open up your relationship, he agreed to give it a go.
We’ve been non-monagamous for over a year now and make sure that we keep checking in with each other.
Our rules are simple, that we tell each other who we are seeing, and that we let the other person know our relationship status.
People warned me it would wreck our relationship but I’d say it’s done the opposite – up until now anyway. Our sex life is so much better and we talk about our sexual exploits with others which is so erotic.
I look at friends in long term relationships and can see they are getting bored staying in together night after night.
There is always so much going on in London, and I’ve loved exploring all the different areas when I’ve been on different dates.
I’ve seen three different guys regularly and my boyfriend has two regular women he hooks up with.
I’ve never felt a twinge of jealousy before, but I could tell when he came back to my home town with me at Christmas he’d taken a shine to my friend.
Not long after we returned he told me he’s started messaging her and was going to ask her out.
He seemed surprised when I got upset.
He’d be making a big effort to see her as he’d have to travel over an hour and a half to get there.
Am I being over sensitive or does he want to go too far?
There are many types of non-monogamous relationships. All of them allow sex with more than one person but the expectations for things like emotions, priority and lifestyles are very different.
Open Relationship/Monogamish
A committed couple that allows each other to have sex with other people.
Polyamory
Multiple emotional and sexual relationships at the same time, with the consent of everyone involved.
Hierarchical polyamory
A “primary” couple prioritise each other, but each has multiple romantic, sexual relationships too.
Non-Hierarchical Polyamory
Individuals engage in multiple romantic, sexual relationships without assigning priority.
Polyfidelity (also known as Triads, Couples or Quads)
Three or more people involved in an exclusive relationship.
Solo Poly
Having multiple intimate relationships with people while otherwise living a single lifestyle.
Swinging
A couple who have sex with other people, usually simultaneously.
Casual sex, casual dating, friends with benefits
Dating or having sex with multiple people, while remaining uncommitted to anyone.
Relationship Anarchy
Doing away with some or all of the traditional ‘rules’ applied to romantic relationships.
Polygamy
Polygamy is being married to more than one spouse. Polygamy isn’t legal in the UK.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve researched how to make non-monogamy work so will know the first rule is that you both have to be 100% happy with the arrangement.
The moment one of you feels unhappy or even unsure is the time to pause and reevaluate.
Talk to your boyfriend about your reservations. He won’t appreciate your position unless you explain.
This potential liaison isn’t solely about your boyfriend and his extra partner, it’s also about a pre-existing relationship between you and your childhood friend.
While you are totally at ease with your open relationship in London, bringing it closer to home, where you grew up and your family is, understandably feels different.
And as you say, your boyfriend would have to make a big effort to meet your friend, which could mean he’s getting emotionally involved.
Opening up your relationship for sexual relationships is one thing, but multiple romantic relationships can be much harder to navigate.
Again you both need to be clear about what you want from non-monogamy – is this about multiple sexual partners, or are extra emotional relationships okay?
My support pack Non-Monogamy explains more.
Deidre’s mailbag is bursting with open relationship problems. One reader was cut off by her best friend after finding out about her polyamorous relationship; another from a different subscriber who struggled with the reality of telling his family about his throuple, while one man was asked to open his relationship to hide his wife’s true sexuality.
Every problem gets a personal reply from one of our trained counsellors.
Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women’s issues and general features.
Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week.
Sally took over as The Sun’s Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago.
The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes:
Kate Taylor: a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books.
Jane Allton: a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies.
Catherine Thomas: with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues.
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