Indecisive true crime fan still has no idea how she’d get rid of a body
A FAN of true crime podcasts has yet to decide on what is definitively the best way for her to dispose of human remains. Ellie…
Mum sets new record for losing her shit on school run
A MOTHER has set a new British record for totally losing her shit on the morning school run. Linga, not her real name, from Staffordshire,…
How to replace the Millennial slang you didn’t understand with Gen Z slang you don’t understand
MILLENNIAL slang is out of date and should be replaced by Gen Z slang, apparently. Here’s how to look ‘with it’ even if no one…
Mansplaining man actually correct
ONLOOKERS are uncertain how to respond after realising that a man mansplaining to a woman is in fact correct and entirely right to do so.…
‘Stay hungry. Stay foolish’: Six patently bollocks quotes that morons live their lives by
THERE’S no one, single way to live your life, but there are plenty of stupid quotes you shouldn’t listen to. Sadly, idiots swear by all…
Driver generously allows humble pedestrians to cross road with regal hand gesture
A BENEVOLENT motorist has permitted a group of pedestrians to cross the road with a noble flourish of his wrist. Ron, not his real name,…
London friend wants to know if you’re free in 10 weeks’ time
A FRIEND from London has asked you to let her know by this afternoon if you are free for a drink in two-and-a-half months. Hannah,…
I’d like you all to f**k off, says dad when asked what he wants for Father’s day
A FATHER of young children has said what he would really like for Father’s Day is some f**king peace in an empty house. Dave, not…
The six real criteria for choosing a university, by every 18-year-old
DELUDED parents think a choice of university is based on the courses and quality of tuition. As if. These are the real reasons: Nightlife University…
Middle-aged women delighted by ugly modern fashions
MIDDLE-AGED women seeing 20-something girls dressed in cargo pants, faux fur gilets and bandanas have confirmed they are delighted by how ugly modern fashions are.…
New teacher unsure if she even wants to inspire the little bastards now
A TEACHER at a comprehensive is starting to doubt whether she even wants to put her dickhead pupils on a path to a brighter future. …
Restaurant couple clearly on a voucher
A COMMON-LOOKING couple in a fancy restaurant were only there because of an internet voucher, according to fellow diners. The overdressed pair were disconcertingly excitable…
Becci, and other stupid ways people spell their names to sound more interesting
SPELLING their name in a bizarre way rarely masks the fact that someone is crashingly dull. Do you know one of these people? Becci, Bekki,…
That twat you used to work with now somehow a boss
A MASSIVE arsehole you used to work with is now quite senior at another company. 31-year-old Tom Logan, who just used to go on football…
Man who works in marketing thinks his skills are transferable
A MARKETING executive wrongly believes his skills will be useful in a variety of situations, including a catastrophe. Tom, not his real name, thinks his…
Six emails to send at 5pm on Friday for maximum damage
ARE you a workplace twat who wants to ruin people’s weekends? These emails will ensure your colleagues return on Monday stressed and unhappy. ‘Can we…
Why France doesn’t count as a foreign holiday, by a 14-year-old whose parents dragged her there last week
HAVING just returned from France, which is shit, Grace Wood-Morris can state definitively that it does not count as a proper holiday abroad. She explains: …
Power to hand out sick notes to be given to specially appointed bastards
THE government is to take the issuing of sick notes from GPs and hand it to a panel of specially selected sadistic bastards. The panel…
Dad trapped in phone conversation with daughter for four and a half hellish minutes
A FATHER has been caught up in a nightmarish telephone conversation with his daughter lasting almost five minutes. Unsuspecting dad Martin, not his real name,…
Two men in forties very much afraid they could become friends
A PAIR of men in their 40s fear they may inexorably move from being comfortable acquaintances to full-blown friendship. Over the past few years, Martin…