Premature baldness, and other features you’re secretly delighted your mates have got
IT’S unfortunate when a friend suffers from one of these unattractive characteristics. But it’s also excellent that you look stunning by comparison, so don’t feel…
We choose candidates based on their Religious Studies GCSE grade, admit employers
EMPLOYERS have confirmed they only consider giving the top roles to candidates with top grades in their religious studies GCSEs. A survey of more than…
Lanyard powerless outside corporate realm
A CORPORATE worker is beginning to realise that her lanyard wields no power in the outside world. While the length of ribbon with an access…
Woman fearful husband on verge of sleeping naked
A WOMAN is apprehensively waiting for the moment her husband decides to go to bed without wearing any pyjamas, it has emerged. As the hot…
Couple who ‘only smoke when drinking’ drinking a lot
A COUPLE who claim to only to have the occasional cigarette with a glass of wine appear to be drinking six nights a week, friends…
Get back in the office or you’re fired and fill in your satisfaction survey positively: five contradictory statements from human resources
HUMAN resources want to fully exploit their humans as a resource and for them to be happy about it. These are the contradictory messages you…
Your guide to giving a bullshit business presentation
CALLED upon to give a presentation at work? Here’s how to hit the right note of business bullshit to drive the company drones wild. Kick…
Princess, Chief, and other popular annoying nicknames for children
YOU gave your kid a perfectly good name, so why the unimaginative nickname that makes you sound like you’re off Eastenders? Here are some more to…
How to make meetings absolute hell for everyone else
IF you’re forced to attend dull meetings, why not vent your frustration by making them utterly unbearable for others? Here’s how. Say things for the…
Looks not everything but they are about 95 per cent, scientists confirm
BEING handsome or beautiful is not the be-all-and-end-all of being attractive but it does account for 95 per cent, scientists have confirmed. The discovery has…
Indecisive true crime fan still has no idea how she’d get rid of a body
A FAN of true crime podcasts has yet to decide on what is definitively the best way for her to dispose of human remains. Ellie…
Mum sets new record for losing her shit on school run
A MOTHER has set a new British record for totally losing her shit on the morning school run. Linga, not her real name, from Staffordshire,…
How to replace the Millennial slang you didn’t understand with Gen Z slang you don’t understand
MILLENNIAL slang is out of date and should be replaced by Gen Z slang, apparently. Here’s how to look ‘with it’ even if no one…
Mansplaining man actually correct
ONLOOKERS are uncertain how to respond after realising that a man mansplaining to a woman is in fact correct and entirely right to do so.…
‘Stay hungry. Stay foolish’: Six patently bollocks quotes that morons live their lives by
THERE’S no one, single way to live your life, but there are plenty of stupid quotes you shouldn’t listen to. Sadly, idiots swear by all…
Driver generously allows humble pedestrians to cross road with regal hand gesture
A BENEVOLENT motorist has permitted a group of pedestrians to cross the road with a noble flourish of his wrist. Ron, not his real name,…
London friend wants to know if you’re free in 10 weeks’ time
A FRIEND from London has asked you to let her know by this afternoon if you are free for a drink in two-and-a-half months. Hannah,…
I’d like you all to f**k off, says dad when asked what he wants for Father’s day
A FATHER of young children has said what he would really like for Father’s Day is some f**king peace in an empty house. Dave, not…
The six real criteria for choosing a university, by every 18-year-old
DELUDED parents think a choice of university is based on the courses and quality of tuition. As if. These are the real reasons: Nightlife University…
Middle-aged women delighted by ugly modern fashions
MIDDLE-AGED women seeing 20-something girls dressed in cargo pants, faux fur gilets and bandanas have confirmed they are delighted by how ugly modern fashions are.…