Hoovers, postmen and oddly-shaped rocks: The terrible dangers I protect you from by barking, by your dog
IT’S a scary world out there for you humans. Luckily I’m always there to protect you with my terrifying barking abilities. Here are the threats…
The middle-aged person’s guide to losing friends
IS your life cluttered with friends you’d prefer didn’t exist? Or require a minor effort to occasionally meet? Learn how to lose them like a…
Couple conceive second child as long-term investment to stop first one hassling them
A COUPLE are having a second child because they are already bored rigid of having to play with their first one, they have confirmed. Stephen…
How to have a really pretentious dinner party
DINNER parties are a great way to prove you’re better than your friends. But how do you pull it off? Eccentric neighbour pop-in Conspire a…
The five and only five emails people send in office jobs
OFFICE jobs look complicated from the outside, but all they really involve is sending these five emails again and again and again forever. ‘Have you…
MILF, and other compliments that aren’t
SHE’S cute, you’re horny; why not throw in a compliment and see what happens? But never one of these: ‘You’re a MILF’ If you wish…
Man shocked to learn his friends are having kids on purpose
A MAN is stunned to discover that his friends are at an age where they are actively having children on purpose, it has emerged. 32-year-old…
Saturday 11 May World Belly Dance Day
Belly dance is a dance that originated in Egypt but is now known around the world. Also known as Raks Baladi or Raqs Sharqi, this form of dance features…
Man unsure if he had nice evening or was just drunk
A MAN is unsure whether he had a great time last night or if he was just pissed, it has emerged. Jack, not his real…
Man who quit drinking and smoking now addicted to judging people
A MAN who adopted a ‘clean living’ lifestyle is now getting ‘high’ on being incredibly sanctimonious. Donatas, not his real name, 32, quit alcohol and…
Secret to success is ability to function with hangover
A NEW study has found that the key to social, financial and romantic success is being able to function while horrendously hungover. The Institute for…
Cool vegetarian still eats meat when pissed
A VEGETARIAN who keeps it real still eats kebabs and burgers after a few pints, he has confirmed. Chill herbivore Tom, not his real name,…
Bald man secretly wishes he still had hair
A BALD man has admitted that, though nobody would ever suspect it, he would actually prefer to have hair. Ronny, aged 39, not his real…
Gen Z teen confused by strong male character
A MALE teenager has been left confused by a film in which a man faces challenges like fist fights that are traditionally left to female…
Experts unable to explain why anyone would buy bottled beer in a pub
EXPERTS cannot work out why anyone would buy a small, expensive bottle of beer in a pub. Researchers at the Institute for Studies found no…
Your friends: Are they worth the effort?
HAVING good friends is meant to be a key part of a happy and healthy life, but are they actually worth the effort? Here are…
How to recover from a devastatingly accurate insult from a seven-year-old
CHILDREN say the cruelest, funniest things, directly to you in front of a roomful of people, like ‘Where’s your hair gone, uncle Simon?’ Here’s how…
Businesswoman’s credibility undermined by partially faded nightclub stamp
A WOMAN’S otherwise convincing presentation has been undermined by the fading nightclub entry stamp on the back of her hand. 27-year-old Hannah, not her real…
Woman going away for two days packs 158 pairs of knickers
A WOMAN taking a shed load of clean underwear for a short break in the Cotswolds is not sure why, she has admitted. Loraine, not…
‘What are you thinking?’ and five other questions boyfriends never ask
DATING a progressive and thoughtful man? Convinced he’s not like all the other pigs? He still won’t ask these questions: ‘What are you thinking?’ Unless…