You choose, says girlfriend who’s already decided
A MAN offered the opportunity to decide what TV show to watch is unaware the outcome has already been decided. Stephen, not his real name,…
New boss wants you to know he likes football
YOUR new boss claims to be an ordinary bloke on the basis that he supports West Ham. The white male in his early 40s, brought…
Dad who was miserable failure with girls forced to give relationship advice
A FATHER who was unable to attract women in his youth is having to advise his son about relationships, it has emerged. The situation is…
Woman clearly villain of her own anecdote
A WOMAN is telling an anecdote which appears, to all listeners if not to the speaker, to be about what an arsehole she is. Sophie,…
How attitudes to gay kisses on screen have changed, according to your dad
USED to be you’d be up until 1am to see a couple of lasses kissing, now it’s on prime time. And the men. Your retired…
Boss taking credit for team’s work only contributed management bullshit
A BOSS has taken all the credit for his team’s work despite mostly just distracting them with management toss. Manager Stephen, not his real name,…
25-year-old woman tells mum about parking fine in hope she’ll pay it
AN ADULT woman has told her mother how upset about an unfair parking fine she is in the hope her parent will step in and…
How to understand today’s youth with the Teen-English Dictionary
HAVING remained a mystery for centuries, a new dictionary has translated the various grunts and noises used by teenagers. Start understanding them with these entries. …
Things you do in your 40s your own parents would never have got away with
MANY activities you do now would have made you a social pariah in your parents’ day, especially in middle-age. So cherish your freedom to do…
Loud sneezers told to get a f**king grip
LETTING rip with the deafening roar of a shotgun blast impresses absolutely no-one, loud sneezers have been informed. Professor Frost, of the Institute for Studies,…
Fact-checkers flummoxed by mate’s anecdote about epic night out
THE nation’s fact checkers are still attempting to verify thousands of claims related to an apparently legendary night out your mate has told you about. …
Man who handed in notice definitely won’t be dicking around for a month
A MAN who has just handed in notice will definitely be giving his employer 100 percent for the next month. Tom Logan formally quit the…
Man discovering wife’s affair finally able to admit he broke missing mug
A HUSBAND who discovered his wife had been having a year-long affair was relieved to finally admit he broke a mug while unloading the dishwasher.…
Wife veers into you every six steps out of love
YOUR wife's inability to walk alongside you without barging into you every few seconds is actually an act of love, according to experts. Scientists believe…
44-year-old thinks he deserves birthday party
A MAN is so full of himself he believes he deserves a party to celebrate his 45th birthday. Anthony, not his real name, from Bush…
Five utterly pointless debates you can’t help getting sucked into
DO you sometimes get drawn into mindless ‘debates’ then bitterly regret wasting your time? Here are some classics to avoid. Does God exist? You can…
How to justify your long-haul holiday to your socially conscious friends
SPENDING thousands on a fancy summer holiday but worried about being looked down on by your sanctimonious friends? Here’s how to get away with it.…
Everyone on stag do wants to go to bed
EVERY single man on a stag night is claiming to be ready to keep partying into the early hours while secretly desperate to go to…
Houseguest paralysed by indecision over flushing toilet in middle of night
A MAN who is staying with friends has found himself paralysed by indecision after using the lavatory in the middle of the night. Tom, not…
Office worker having lovely day off in office
AN office worker has taken a much needed day off for rest and relaxation within the confines of his office. Communications manager Guido, not his…