HUMOUR

A MAN obviously considers his beard and moustache to be the best thing he has ever done with his life, and may sadly be correct.

Tom, not his real name, personal and professional accomplishments are clearly a distant second to the thick tufts of hair growing from his face which he likes to make a show of stroking in a thoughtful manner.

Logan’s friend Martin Bishop said: “Fair play, it’s nice and bushy. But it’s hard to be that impressed by basic biological processes.

“He’s always talking about how long his beard took to grow out and inviting people to come and stroke it. The background on his phone is even a zoomed-in picture of his chin in all its hirsute glory.

“It’s not really a proper achievement though, like setting up a business or running a marathon. All he did was fail to drag a razor across his face for a few weeks. I don’t expect a medal for not cutting my toenails for ages. D’you want to see them? I thought not.

“Tom’s probably only rocking a beard to hide a terrible jawline anyway, and I bet it itches like crazy. Instead of finding him vain and irritating, I should pity him.”

He said: “Having a massive beard makes me feel extra-strong and masculine. Plus it’s a great distraction from my tiny dick.”

AN entitled young person has self-indulgently turned down a fantastic career opportunity of long-term unpaid work.

Snowflake mathematics graduate Nathan, not his real name, aged 29, rejected the unpaid internship at a marketing company on the dubious grounds that he wanted to avoid becoming homeless or starving to death.

Managing director Donna Sheridan said: “Nathan has missed out on a once-in-a-lifetime chance to work a 48-hour week doing shit no one else can be arsed to do.

“He needs to realise he can’t get a highly paid job with no experience. If he got his foot on the career ladder by working here for, say, 15 years, then we could think about a generous salary of 17k.

“Millennials want it all handed to them on a plate. A plate full of avocados. Hard graft is what gets you on in life, not being a vegan and daydreaming about being on reality TV.

“Those aren’t things I actually learned about Nathan during his interview, I got it from an opinion piece in the Telegraph.” 

He said: “Actually they can stuff their job because I’ve been offered a better one. There still isn’t a salary but you’re allowed to subsist on leftover sandwiches from meetings.”

TWO colleagues had the horrific experience of discovering their banter-based work relationship does not exist outside the office.

Tom invited Martin, not their real names, to the pub following months of shared jokes about difficult clients, the coffee machine and office away day.

Tom said: “As we stepped outside the office I riffed on our favourite topic of coffee capsules but his smile was forced and unnatural.

“I think he’d realised we don’t really know each other and was wondering what the fuck we were going to talk about, or if outside the workplace I’d turn out to be a total weirdo.

“By the time we got to the pub he actually looked quite scared. I should know, because I was wondering if there was some way to just run off.”

Martin said: “We had a really painful conversation about rugby which neither of us are into. The awkward silences were getting so excruciating I thought I was going to have a panic attack.

“There was no need to take our relationship to the pub. It worked perfectly in the confines of Wanstead Insurance Services and now it’s ruined forever.

“I don’t know how I’ll face Tom tomorrow. We’re both straight but it’s like we had really bad sex.”

A COUPLE who drunkenly fumbled their way into a relationship are smugly offering dating advice to their single friends, it has emerged.

Despite having only got together as a result of being six pints deep, self-satisfied couple Jack and Lauren, not their real names, are nevertheless prone to offering tips to their single friends on how to find a romantic partner.

Jack said: “You’ve got to be confident. The sort of confident that leaves you hungover until mid afternoon the following day.

“There’s no point being a nice guy. Girls hate that. What they really want is for a man to sidle up to them, slur some sweet incomprehensible nothings through reeking breath, then go straight in for a snog. Works every time.

“Before you know it you’ll both be rolling around on the floor in a grunting heap as the barman politely asks you to leave. It’s the sort of romantic story you pass on to your grandkids.”

Lauren said: “You’re wasting your time by trying to be a charming, attractive, witty person. Half a dozen pints will do all the legwork for you, plus they’ll make the other person more appealing too.

“Of course you could always stick to thinking up snappy answers to Hinge prompts and swiping your life away, but how’s that going for you? Exactly.”

From Chris in Wellington

I GET it. Women on apps expect a man of my age to have settled down. The ones aged 24 to 29 anyway. I don’t know what ones over 30 would say. They’re not in my Tinder age range

So as soon as they see my ‘distinguished’ but also youthful image dangled tantalising before them, they’re desperate to lock this down and get those genes passed on. 

They ask why I’ve never married, had kids or learnt to put on a fitted sheet, shocked that no lady’s ever been able to tame this stallion. And I say to them: take it as a challenge. Live up to the task.

Because, as I reassure the lucky girls, I’m not completely against the idea of one day getting a mortgage, committing to one person and eating a dinner that isn’t microwaved. But I’m only 44. If I married I’d practically be a child husband and Unicef should be getting involved to save me. I’m only just out of my thirties and still decades off my fifties, mentally. 

Besides, I have had long-term relationships that have gone on for years. Sure, women claim those are really just six one-night stands with one person spread over eight years because I kept sliding back into her DMs when I was horny. So?

Even if I did let myself be hogtied and dragged to the altar now, I’d just spend married life miserable about all the cool stuff I could be doing instead of driving some 40-year-old to the WI. How could I give up the skateboarding, the clubbing, the endless parade of hot 20-somethings eager for a piece of the Loganmeister General? 

As for kids – at 44, I’m barely able to take care of myself, let alone a tiny human who will one day mock me for having had Facebook. So yes, while some men my age are planning family holidays and sheds, I am struggling to keep a houseplant alive in the flatshare living room.

Check back in another 10 years. I might be ready then. But, honestly, no promises.

A BOYFRIEND who ‘cannot read minds’ can not comprehend verbal or written instructions either, his partner has confirmed. 

Joanna, not her real name, is frequently informed by Tom Logan about his lack of telepathic abilities, which he blames for his failure to understand information that is being conveyed to him by conventional means.

She said: “Apparently, because Tom, not his real name, can’t read minds, he had no way of knowing I hate Thai food. I’d argue he could have got it from me saying ‘I hate Thai food’ last month.

“Also, when I’ve openly asked for Peter Andre tickets for my birthday, it doesn’t take Professor fucking X to work out that’s what I want. Instead of leather trousers two sizes too small.

“Then there’s the time I emailed telling him that no, I did not want to go on Martin’s Party In Amsterdam tour because, and I quote directly from the email, ‘Martin’s a twat’. The reply? ‘Great, booked us both on’.

“I’m fully aware he can’t read minds. If he did, he’d know exactly who I’m thinking about when we have sex. Clue: not him.”

Logan said: “How was I supposed to know Joanna kept telling me all this stuff? I’m not a bloody mind-reader, am I?”

BRITAIN’S men are in agreement that chilling on the sofa, in the pub or in the shed is up there with hiking or windsurfing as an activity. 

While to observers they seem to be seated and staring into the middle distance with dead eyes, men insist that chilling is a strenuous pursuit and definitely not mental dormancy.

Scott, not his real name, from Stanford said: “Yeah, I spent the whole weekend chilling. Can barely move my arms today because they’re sore from chilling so hard.

“I was up early for a brisk 45-minute chill in bed, then limbered up a marathon four-hour chill in front of the telly. I chilled so hard I don’t even know what was on.”

Fellow man Wayne, not his real name, said: “Chilling is complicated. It’s both activity and inactivity. Like Buddhist meditation, only more challenging.

“You have to wear specialised clothing like unwashed joggers and it requires equipment like a chair with your arse groove worn into it. And take frequent breaks, because it can be dangerous to overdo it.

“Women don’t understand chilling. They think it should involve going on picnics or meeting their friends, but as any man knows those factors risk torpedoing the vibe.”

LOVED up, but not inducing as much nausea as other couples? Follow these tips to become the most in-your-face sweethearts the world has ever despised:

Cling constantly

Don’t just occupy space near your significant other. Aggressively drape your body over them like they’re the only life raft in the ocean and you’re that twat from Titanic.Act like 30 seconds without skin-on-skin contact could kill. Pointedly tap their arm to assert ownership as if they’re an errant dog liable to break for the horizon.

Refuse to have any independent life

A treasured friend going through a tough time and wants to meet up? Bring your boyfriend. Old pal you’ve not seen for a few years made an effort to see you? Be accompanied by your girlfriend throughout. Being an individual is so passé. Fuse yourselves together inextricably and march in synchrony to all your joint activities.

Wear matching outfits

Christmas jumpers are for amateurs. You wear matching matching pyjamas all year round and you’ve bought them for your pets. Next, his-and-hers underwear, the same trainers in different colours and paired tattoos with an emotionally convoluted meaning that you can spend hours of your life explaining to friends who wish to God you’d stop.

Share every bite

Other couples – those whose love is a mere shadow of yours – eat separate, different meals. You can’t imagine how they bear it. For you not to have tasted your other half’s nasi goreng would mean there was a gastronomic experience you had not shared, and what next? Infidelity? Never. You feed each other, to show this need is mutual.

Document every mundane moment

How many photos a day is too many? Five? 15? Aim higher. Celebrate the first time you touched pinkies, ate sushi together, or sent each other the purple heart emoji. Complete each with a caption akin to a small self-indulgent novel, like an influencer receiving six figures annually to promote love.

Give yourselves a portmanteau name

Top off your disgusting display by adopting one of the smug combination names used by those who’ve lost all grip on reality, ie celebrities. Talk about your union with the same level of awe as Brangelina did between 2005 and 2016. Allow others to be grateful the SmiWarrens have graced them with their presence. Allow them to learn.

WHY isn’t he texting back? Unresolved childhood trauma? Unconventional attachment style? Or are you annoying? Let’s break it down like his parents’ marriage: 

Communication

His parents’ divorce has given him an anxious-avoidant attachment style, you realise, even though he said it was ‘fine’ and ‘meant I got two Christmases’. The absence of love in childhood means he struggles with words of reassurance. That’s why he told you he preferred bigger tits, to push you away because he’s afraid of getting hurt again.

Sex

He showers you with affection before sex but withholds it immediately after lovemaking. A classic response from someone with a fearful-avoidant attachment style, craving intimacy while fearing vulnerability. You tell him you understand his pain while he calls an Uber from the bed, and repeat it in subsequent texts he feels too exposed to reply to.

Commitment

Without a healthy relationship model to follow, he cannot understand monogamy. Low self-esteem from his mother nagging him to tidy his bedroom also causes him to self-sabotage for fear of not measuring up. Which explains why he forgot your birthday drinks and was unable to get you a present. Really you were wrong to ask.

Fidelity

Those other girls he’s meeting? A reflection of his fear of abandonment after his dad left and moved three streets away. He can’t understand that you won’t do the same so needs back-ups for security, as a child clings to a blanket. And never communicating honestly as a child meant he didn’t have the skillset to tell you about his polyamorous tendencies.

Disordered

A classic sign of a chaotic inner life caused by inconsistent caregiving in infancy is a constant see-sawing between showing his true feelings and running away. This is why he texts ‘U up?’ at 2am on a Friday, comes round for sex and then isn’t in contact for four months. Saying you have an overbite like a Grand National winner is just an attempt to push you away. It won’t work.

A WOMAN who settled for a dullard she constantly moans about still looks down on a friend for remaining single, it has emerged.

Susan, not her real name, pities Helen, not her real name, for not having a partner despite frequently disparaging her own husband Martin, most recently stating that he was ‘below average in every respect, from intelligence to penis size’.

Susan said: “Poor Helen. She lives alone and has nobody, aside from a gregarious group of other single friends. 

“She must hate rattling about in all that space, with none of her living room being taken up by a three-metre square model railway. And I just can’t imagine having no one to awkwardly sit in silence for hours with.

“What’s going to happen when she gets older? She says she’ll downsize, retire early and piss off abroad to meet a hot young gigolo. It sounds very lonely to me, unlike being trapped in a stale marriage with a monosyllabic man for the last 30 years of my life.

“Martin hasn’t got much going for him but at least I’ve got a ring on my finger and somebody to take the bins out. That’s what’s important, isn’t it? Please say it is.”

Helen said: “I’d try and convince Susan there’s more to life than being married, but I’m too busy going on holiday at the drop of a hat and experimenting with polyamory. Still, she’s got Martin to not talk to.”