Loud sneezers told to get a f**king grip
LETTING rip with the deafening roar of a shotgun blast impresses absolutely no-one, loud sneezers have been informed. Professor Frost, of the Institute for Studies,…
Fact-checkers flummoxed by mate’s anecdote about epic night out
THE nation’s fact checkers are still attempting to verify thousands of claims related to an apparently legendary night out your mate has told you about. …
Man who handed in notice definitely won’t be dicking around for a month
A MAN who has just handed in notice will definitely be giving his employer 100 percent for the next month. Tom Logan formally quit the…
Man discovering wife’s affair finally able to admit he broke missing mug
A HUSBAND who discovered his wife had been having a year-long affair was relieved to finally admit he broke a mug while unloading the dishwasher.…
Wife veers into you every six steps out of love
YOUR wife's inability to walk alongside you without barging into you every few seconds is actually an act of love, according to experts. Scientists believe…
44-year-old thinks he deserves birthday party
A MAN is so full of himself he believes he deserves a party to celebrate his 45th birthday. Anthony, not his real name, from Bush…
Five utterly pointless debates you can’t help getting sucked into
DO you sometimes get drawn into mindless ‘debates’ then bitterly regret wasting your time? Here are some classics to avoid. Does God exist? You can…
How to justify your long-haul holiday to your socially conscious friends
SPENDING thousands on a fancy summer holiday but worried about being looked down on by your sanctimonious friends? Here’s how to get away with it.…
Everyone on stag do wants to go to bed
EVERY single man on a stag night is claiming to be ready to keep partying into the early hours while secretly desperate to go to…
Houseguest paralysed by indecision over flushing toilet in middle of night
A MAN who is staying with friends has found himself paralysed by indecision after using the lavatory in the middle of the night. Tom, not…
Office worker having lovely day off in office
AN office worker has taken a much needed day off for rest and relaxation within the confines of his office. Communications manager Guido, not his…
Husband can’t wait to hear latest thrilling twists and turns in saga of wife’s office
A MAN cannot wait for his wife to update him on the latest gripping events in the ongoing saga of what’s happened in her office.…
Woman who says ‘You’ll either love me or you’ll hate me’ is universally hated
A WOMAN who claims to have a divisive personality unites everyone who meets her in hatred, it has emerged. Emma, not her real name, aged…
Woman believes social media best place to cry and discuss personal problems
A WOMAN is convinced social media is a suitable forum for her to cry and discuss her most intimate personal problems. Sophie, not her real…
Why you shouldn’t buy that thing you’re sure you want. By your parents
WHAT are you doing? Don’t buy that. Your frivolous purchase will be frowned upon, and your parents will sensibly explain why: Designer dress Why on…
Six excuses to text your ex and tell them you’re with someone else
THE break-up was tough. Working on yourself, ie wanking furiously, was even harder. But now you’re shagging someone new, better and you need your ex to know.…
Sunday 28 July Olav’s Eve in Faroe Islands
Olaf II Haraldsson (Ólavur Halgi in Faroese) was King of Norway from 1015 to 1028. Olaf died on July 29th 1030 in the battle at…
25-year-old who says she feels ‘ancient’ told to shut the f**k up
A 25-YEAR-OLD who spent her birthday complaining about being ‘basically middle-aged’ has been advised by older friends to shut the f**k up. Sian, not her…
Man in hotel missing underlying passive-aggressive tone of an Airbnb stay
A MAN staying in a regular hotel is longing for the underlying hostility of booking a night in an Airbnb, it has emerged. Julian, not…
Mum still typing
A MOTHER is still typing a text messages several hours after the three dots indicating she was composing her reply first appeared. Yvonne, not her…