Beloved dog would be annoying, needy attention-seeker if it was human
A DOG whose quirks are uncritically adored by its owners would be an absolute nightmare if it was a human being. Spaniel Toby, aged three,…
Massive labrador claims it’s just puppy fat
A FAT labrador claims his excessive size is just puppy fat despite being nine years old and finishing every meal with a trifle. Taunton-based dog…
What if being present in the office is all you have to offer? A shite employee asks
EXPERTS are disparaging the need to be physically in the office you work in as mere ‘presenteeism’. But what if that’s the only bit you’re…
Middle class students excited to ‘do weed’ for first time
A GROUP of middle class students are terribly excited to ‘do’ some weed, it has been confirmed. Megan, not her real name, 19, said: “I’ve…
Gen Z teen confused by strong male character
A MALE teenager has been left confused by a film in which a man faces challenges like fist fights that are traditionally left to female…
Vegan spends 90 per cent of time trying to catch out other vegans
A VEGAN spends 90 per cent of his waking hours policing other vegans for dietary infractions, he has confirmed. Dean, not hos real name, who…
Company’s culture is alcoholism and being called John
A CONSULTANCY firm is proud of its distinctive workplace culture of drinking too much while employing multiple staff members with the same name. Consultancy firm…
Existence of entire male friendship group hinges on one vaguely organised bloke
A GROUP of men who have been friends for two decades only remain so because of one man. The six friends, who met at university,…
Retired parents exhausted after day of completely unnecessary tasks
A MAN’S retired parents are looking forward to a rest after a punishing day of finding things to do that did not need doing. While…
Seven highly effective ways of f**king candidates over, by a recruitment consultant
HI, [INSERT NAME HERE], I came across your LinkedIn profile and thought you would be a great fit to make me look like I’ve got…
The six most loathsome people you’ll meet at university
UNIVERSITY is a marvellous place to make friends, learn about the world and experience new things. You will also meet the biggest twats you have…
Non-drinker mortified at all the mundane things he said last night
A MAN who absolutely underdid it on the pints has woken up mortified at the not even slightly embarrassing things he said the night before.…
You have measles because daddy reads bullshit on the internet, child told
A CHILD with measles was told it is because daddy stays up late reading utter bullshit on the internet and bases decisions on that. Lucy,…
A single initial, and other twatty ways to sign off an email
SIGNING off an email is a minefield in which you’re always just one word away from metaphorically losing a foot. Here are some of the…
Heartbroken man greatly cheered by brutal piss-taking from mates
A MAN despondent about losing his girlfriend has felt his sour mood lift after merciless piss-taking from his mates. Sam, no this real name, who…
Do you have strong opinions on things you know jack shit about?
ARE you a tiresome fucker with strong opinions on everything from higher education to pet care, despite knowing nothing about them? Take our quiz and…
How to deal with your boss’s bullshit questions
DOES your boss like to ask ridiculous questions during your catch-ups? Here’s how to answer their tedious, pointless queries: How much revenue will this idea…
Gay man shatters stereotypes by being boring, unfunny and badly-dressed
A GROUND-BREAKING gay man is breaking the mould of well-dressed, hilarious and fascinating gay guys by being absolutely none of those things. Though Martin, not…
‘Wonderfully low-maintenance’: the bullshit phrases an estate agent would use to sell you
ESTATE agents, using the magic of language, can transform even the foulest shithole into a desirable property worth borrowing £300,000 for. Here’s how they would…
Adult bellend still says ‘on a school night’
A GROWN man thinks it is cute for him to refer to weekday evening as ‘school nights’, it has emerged. Jack, not his real name,…