Lightweight drinkers unveil plans to humiliate themselves
PEOPLE with a low alcohol tolerance have outlined the ways in which they plan to humiliate themselves over Christmas. Office manager Owen, not his rea name,…
Woman not going out until March
A WOMAN has confirmed that she is not leaving her home until March and that nothing and nobody can stop her. Hannah, aged 29, not…
Woman doesn’t understand film despite talking all the way through it
A WOMAN has no idea what happened in the film she watched with a friend, despite asking questions throughout. When not searching on her phone…
Boss asking ‘Where do you see yourself in five years?’ hoping to hear ‘doing more work for less money’
A BOSS is hoping that his employee’s five year plan aligns with his own vision of an increased workload for decreased compensation. Managing director Neil,…
Business bullshit ‘vital’ for people who are bad at everything else
POMPOUS business bullshit is vital for maintaining the self-esteem of people who are crap at everything else, research has found. A new study has discovered…
Man takes massive pay cut for dream job that’s still better paid than yours
A MAN has willingly slashed his income in order to pursue his dream job which still boasts a far better salary than yours, it has…
How to harshly judge a new friend based entirely on their Christmas tree
BEEN invited for a Christmas drink at a new friend’s house? Here’s how to make sweeping judgements about their class and taste based entirely on…
Dickhead who is always late acting like it’s somehow beyond their control
AN idiot who is habitually late acts as if it is completely out of her control even when she has been lying in bed watching…
Consumers demand much less information about food
FOOD shoppers have demanded the removal of nutritional information, the country of origin and all extraneous adjectives from their food packaging. New research has found…
The middle-aged person’s guide to losing friends
IS your life cluttered with friends you’d prefer didn’t exist? Or require a minor effort to occasionally meet? Learn how to lose them like a…
Woman sets healthy boundaries of only doing what she wants to
A WOMAN has informed friends she is prioritising her mental wellbeing by setting boundaries of only doing what she enjoys. Charlotte, not her real name,…
Spreadsheet Steve, and five other nicknames which mean your life has gone horribly awry
PICKED up a nickname? Proud of it, even though it’s a glaring sign your life has taken a wrong turn somewhere? Any of these is…
A handful of cheddar makes all Italian dishes better: How to piss off a foodie with facts
KNOW an idiot who believes pizza is better with just bland, boring mozzarella? Here are some food facts they need to stop being in denial…
Not sitting next to the boss: Office Christmas party options you wish were on offer
THE time has come to select your flavour of forced festivity with workmates. But you’re offered bone-dry turkey or pan-roasted hake when these are the…
City trader who works 18 hours a day thinks he’s ‘a winner’
A MAN who works in a high level city job and gets four hours sleep a night considers his life a success. Kevin 30, not…
Idiot spent his 20s being sensible
A FOOL threw away his 20s predominantly sober while holding down a stable job and adult relationship, it has emerged. Well-adjusted cretin Tom, not his…
Office full of weird cliques no one would ever want to join
AN office is full of cliques formed by people no one would ever want to hang out with, it has emerged. Administrator Nikki, not her real…
Beloved dog would be annoying, needy attention-seeker if it was human
A DOG whose quirks are uncritically adored by its owners would be an absolute nightmare if it was a human being. Spaniel Toby, aged three,…
Massive labrador claims it’s just puppy fat
A FAT labrador claims his excessive size is just puppy fat despite being nine years old and finishing every meal with a trifle. Taunton-based dog…
What if being present in the office is all you have to offer? A shite employee asks
EXPERTS are disparaging the need to be physically in the office you work in as mere ‘presenteeism’. But what if that’s the only bit you’re…