Man weirdly passionate about dog keeping its balls
A MAN is under the strange impression that neutering his dog will have a direct and irreversible effect on his own manhood. Anthony and wide…
Woman leading feminist lifestyle not doing so by choice
A WOMAN living her life as a proud, independent feminist who makes her own decisions and does her own DIY would prefer not to, she…
Fisherman’s tranquil day of country drinking ruined by massive f**king fish
AN angler’s quiet day boozing amid the wonders of nature was completely ruined by catching a huge, smelly, slimy fish. Shaun, 32, not his real…
Liking mornings linked to being stupid
PEOPLE who are upbeat in the morning have extremely low intelligence, it has been confirmed. Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that self-styled ‘morning…
Couple’s date night is staying in, getting pissed and shagging
A COUPLE have created their own version of date night where they do not go out in favour of drinking alcohol then having sex. Lucy…
Friends who always cancel don’t like you
FRIENDS who always cancel plans to go out do not like you and are not your friends, research has found. The rise of ‘flaking’ or…
Woman on diet has lost one and a half friends since start of January
A WOMAN on a new diet has already seen her social engagements slimmed down dramatically. Emma, not her real name, has been telling everyone about the…
How to remember what your crappy job is
ARE you back at work but struggling to remember what you’re meant to be doing? Read our guide and find out. What can you see?…
Barista spells your name wrong deliberately because you’re a twat
A STARBUCKS staff member who always writes a terrible misspelling of your forename on your cup does so because the consensus of the staff is…
Tiresome health fanatics pretending they need to lose weight
FITNESS obsessives across the UK are claiming they need to lose weight after Christmas, it has emerged. Thousands of fit, toned self-absorbed individuals are strangely…
This one awful weight loss trick involves eating well and working out
REALLY works! Side effects include exhaustion, hunger, and not having everything you want but scientists confirm the weight will just fall off, within a year…
Woman wakes up to realisation she hates every item of clothing she owns
A WOMAN has sprung out of bed spontaneously filled with a primal disgust for every garment in her wardrobe and the compulsion to replace them. …
The crap teacher’s guide to surviving teaching
TALENTED, hardworking teachers are struggling to cope with long hours and excessive workloads. But what about Britain’s many thousands of crap teachers? Tom Logan, who…
How to keep the passive-aggression alive in your marriage
AS a new year begins, it’s easy for couples to take each other for granted and neglect the incessant sniping that keeps loathing alive. Here’s…
Five reasons nobody except knobheads make telephone calls anymore
TELEPHONE calls are rarely made by anyone except annoying twerps these days, and for good reason. Here’s why. Messaging exists Why phone someone when you…
Seven unpleasant truths you’ll have to confront in Dry January
DRY January lasts just one month, but the things you learn while not drinking will stay with you forever. Prepare yourself for these grim truths…
Mum forcing family to watch old, shit film
A MOTHER is selfishly forcing her entire family to watch a film that was made before 1990 and is therefore a slow, cheap, boring torture.…
A MAN has countered allegations of hair loss by asserting that it only seems that way because his brow is growing by the day
Apparent changes in the hairline of 38-year-old Shane, not his real name or age, were spotted by his husband Ron, not his real name, who…
Man in hotel missing underlying passive-aggressive tone of an Airbnb stay
A MAN staying in a regular hotel is longing for the underlying hostility of booking a night in an Airbnb, it has emerged. Julian, not…
Coffee after 5pm, and five other things you’ll massively regret in your 40s
OVER 40? Keen not to feel like a sack of shit? 44-year-old Martin Bishop details six things that will set you back two days if…