Woman on date pretending she can’t finish pizza
A WOMAN on a first date is maintaining a pretence that eating an entire pizza is far too much for a delicate girl like her. …
Clock ticking on when shiny new laptop will be used to look at absolute filth
IT is only a matter of hours until a man’s gleaming new laptop will be used to view the most high definition pornography imaginable, he…
Man eating lunch at desk to show off
A COLLEAGUE is eating lunch at his desk for the sole purpose of making everyone he works with look bad, he has confirmed. Anthony, not…
Conniving office bastards have already stolen the best holiday dates
THREE weeks into 2024 all the best holiday dates have already been booked up by the scheming bastards you work with, it has emerged. …
Five reasons school night hangovers are worse than weekend hangovers
WEEKEND hangovers are bad enough, but they’ve got nothing on ones during the working week. Here’s why you’ll regret getting shitfaced on a school night. …
Mum advises son’s girlfriend she could do a lot better
THE mother of a 23-year-old is worried that his wonderful new girlfriend is punching well below her weight. After being introduced to Lucy, Loraine, not…
Date night cruel parody of love there once was
A MARRIED couple have regular monthly date nights as a painful reminder they once loved each other enough to enjoy them. Dave and Inga, not…
Lame, crazy and other words desperately offensive to your Gen Z teen
THE vocabulary you use around your teenager must be interpreted as ungenerously as possible because you personally are the patriarchy and racism, mum. Avoid these: …
Kids preferred it when dad cooked that one time
A MUM was furious to learn her kids preferred the unhealthy concoctions her husband came up with to her lovingly prepared meals when she was…
Canadian colleague has patronising anecdotes about how cold it gets back home
A CANADIAN co-worker has been sharing annoying stories about how much colder it is in his home country. Large, upbeat colleague Craig, not his real name,…
Man who arranged third date for Saturday night thinks he’s being sneaky
A MAN who has casually arranged his third date on a Saturday night when the previous two were midweek genuinely believes he will never suspect. …
‘Mate’ and four other infuriating things bosses call you
WE’RE not their pal, buddy or anything else, but bosses still insist on being massively overfamiliar. Here are some of the most annoying workplace nicknames. …
Dads looking for new foods to air fry
FATHERS have confirmed that they are excitedly searching for new things to air fry. Having initially experimented with air frying in a bid to cook…
Woman listening to friend’s problems interrupts to explain how she would have handled them better
A WOMAN listening to her friend’s woes has stopped her to explain how she would have dealt with the situation far more effectively. Sophie, not…
‘I didn’t know you existed’: How to avoid getting your colleagues anything from the shops
YOU need something from the shops, but you’re surrounded by hungry, bored colleagues waiting to put in detailed requests. Here’s how to avoid being their…
‘It’s only a cold so piss off,’ says GP’s answerphone
THE pre-recorded message on a GP’s answerphone has advised anyone who has symptoms of a seasonal cold to put the phone down and piss off. …
Northern man almost added kisses to text message
A MAN from Leeds came within a split second of putting a row of Xs at the bottom of a text message to a woman he likes. …
How to guiltily explain to your millennial friends that your parents are buying you a house
HAVE you spent years moaning about being part of ‘generation rent’ but now your parents are bunging you some cash for a house? Here’s how…
A month ago you were drunk by now
JUST one month ago you had already downed several glasses of Prosecco by this time, it has been confirmed. Exactly 31 days, or ‘sleeps’, have passed since…
Necessary to put on little show when late
EXPERTS have confirmed it is necessary to put on a little show when arriving late for work. Despite it making no difference to actual lateness,…