Gilet wearer admits his arms have been cold for years
A LONG-TERM gilet wearer has admitted that his arms are often very cold. Anthony, not his real name, has been parading around in a green…
Six wankers who always pipe up when the meeting reaches Any Other Business
READY for this tedious, pointless meeting to end, so you can get the f**k out of there? Not so fast, these six arseholes will always…
How bad your friend’s break-up was, measured by her new haircut
THEY split last week. You’re meeting her for lunch after she’s visited the hairdressers. The haircut she gets determines how much of a bastard you…
Haha, the thumbs-up emoji and other texts people send when they don’t fancy you back
A TEXT reply from your crush should show barely-concealed longing and lust. So why are yours bland placeholder messages? Here’s what people text back when…
Gen Z couple break up after realising six-month age gap was problematic
A COUPLE have split after deciding that their six-month age difference created an unequal power balance in their relationship. Calvin, not his real name, 20,…
Woman who has never had to use an app giving dating advice
A WOMAN who has never had to download an app and swipe through awful profiles is daring to give dating advice, it has emerged. Eleanor,…
Six places not to arrive at pissed
DRINKING heavily, if you’re British, is not so much a vice as an expectation. Nonetheless there are certain locations it’s a mistake to arrive at…
‘Those fishcakes need eating tonight’: 15 romantic texts from your long-term partner
IT’S easy for the spark to go out of a relationship when you’re sick of the sight of them. But don’t despair – here are…
What ‘a couple of pints’ means: A man and woman’s perspective
NOBODY believes it when they say they are only going for ‘a couple of pints’. But this common lie means very different things to men…
Night out with mates disappointingly good in the end
A MAN who had spent all week complaining about a night out he was forced to go on with close friends is deeply annoyed at…
New hire at work acting weirder than any person has ever acted
A NEW employee is showing real promise to be the strangest and most unsettling being ever to have set foot in an office. New starter…
Young people just going to change pension age back later
YOUNG people have announced plans to lower the pension age by several decades once they are in charge. When asked how they felt about working…
Scientists discover couple caught in endless ‘I don’t mind, you decide’ loop
A COUPLE are at risk of starving to death after becoming tangled in an ‘infinite non-decision loop’ over what to have for dinner. Scientists detected…
Only advice women ever give is ‘dump him’
THE only advice ever given by women, no matter what the situation, is now ‘dump him’, it has emerged. Years of repetition mean that whenever…
The five monotonous stages of Monday morning office chat
ONCE again it is Monday, as if you were not already well aware, and you must run the torturous gamut of post-weekend office chat. It…
Size of wine glass linked to how smug you are
PEOPLE who make a point of drinking out of wine glasses the size of fish bowls are the smuggest bastards of all, it has been…
Woman on date pretending she can’t finish pizza
A WOMAN on a first date is maintaining a pretence that eating an entire pizza is far too much for a delicate girl like her. …
Clock ticking on when shiny new laptop will be used to look at absolute filth
IT is only a matter of hours until a man’s gleaming new laptop will be used to view the most high definition pornography imaginable, he…
Man eating lunch at desk to show off
A COLLEAGUE is eating lunch at his desk for the sole purpose of making everyone he works with look bad, he has confirmed. Anthony, not…
Conniving office bastards have already stolen the best holiday dates
THREE weeks into 2024 all the best holiday dates have already been booked up by the scheming bastards you work with, it has emerged. …