Six places not to arrive at pissed
DRINKING heavily, if you’re British, is not so much a vice as an expectation. Nonetheless there are certain locations it’s a mistake to arrive at…
‘Those fishcakes need eating tonight’: 15 romantic texts from your long-term partner
IT’S easy for the spark to go out of a relationship when you’re sick of the sight of them. But don’t despair – here are…
What ‘a couple of pints’ means: A man and woman’s perspective
NOBODY believes it when they say they are only going for ‘a couple of pints’. But this common lie means very different things to men…
Night out with mates disappointingly good in the end
A MAN who had spent all week complaining about a night out he was forced to go on with close friends is deeply annoyed at…
New hire at work acting weirder than any person has ever acted
A NEW employee is showing real promise to be the strangest and most unsettling being ever to have set foot in an office. New starter…
Young people just going to change pension age back later
YOUNG people have announced plans to lower the pension age by several decades once they are in charge. When asked how they felt about working…
Scientists discover couple caught in endless ‘I don’t mind, you decide’ loop
A COUPLE are at risk of starving to death after becoming tangled in an ‘infinite non-decision loop’ over what to have for dinner. Scientists detected…
Only advice women ever give is ‘dump him’
THE only advice ever given by women, no matter what the situation, is now ‘dump him’, it has emerged. Years of repetition mean that whenever…
The five monotonous stages of Monday morning office chat
ONCE again it is Monday, as if you were not already well aware, and you must run the torturous gamut of post-weekend office chat. It…
Size of wine glass linked to how smug you are
PEOPLE who make a point of drinking out of wine glasses the size of fish bowls are the smuggest bastards of all, it has been…
Woman on date pretending she can’t finish pizza
A WOMAN on a first date is maintaining a pretence that eating an entire pizza is far too much for a delicate girl like her. …
Clock ticking on when shiny new laptop will be used to look at absolute filth
IT is only a matter of hours until a man’s gleaming new laptop will be used to view the most high definition pornography imaginable, he…
Man eating lunch at desk to show off
A COLLEAGUE is eating lunch at his desk for the sole purpose of making everyone he works with look bad, he has confirmed. Anthony, not…
Conniving office bastards have already stolen the best holiday dates
THREE weeks into 2024 all the best holiday dates have already been booked up by the scheming bastards you work with, it has emerged. …
Five reasons school night hangovers are worse than weekend hangovers
WEEKEND hangovers are bad enough, but they’ve got nothing on ones during the working week. Here’s why you’ll regret getting shitfaced on a school night. …
Mum advises son’s girlfriend she could do a lot better
THE mother of a 23-year-old is worried that his wonderful new girlfriend is punching well below her weight. After being introduced to Lucy, Loraine, not…
Date night cruel parody of love there once was
A MARRIED couple have regular monthly date nights as a painful reminder they once loved each other enough to enjoy them. Dave and Inga, not…
Lame, crazy and other words desperately offensive to your Gen Z teen
THE vocabulary you use around your teenager must be interpreted as ungenerously as possible because you personally are the patriarchy and racism, mum. Avoid these: …
Kids preferred it when dad cooked that one time
A MUM was furious to learn her kids preferred the unhealthy concoctions her husband came up with to her lovingly prepared meals when she was…
Canadian colleague has patronising anecdotes about how cold it gets back home
A CANADIAN co-worker has been sharing annoying stories about how much colder it is in his home country. Large, upbeat colleague Craig, not his real name,…