Power to hand out sick notes to be given to specially appointed bastards
THE government is to take the issuing of sick notes from GPs and hand it to a panel of specially selected sadistic bastards. The panel…
Dad trapped in phone conversation with daughter for four and a half hellish minutes
A FATHER has been caught up in a nightmarish telephone conversation with his daughter lasting almost five minutes. Unsuspecting dad Martin, not his real name,…
Two men in forties very much afraid they could become friends
A PAIR of men in their 40s fear they may inexorably move from being comfortable acquaintances to full-blown friendship. Over the past few years, Martin…
Woman breaking under entirely self-imposed work stress
A WOMAN is ready to crack under the weight of work-related stress entirely of her own making, it has emerged. Project manager Hannah, not her…
The sordid details of your sex life: Things you’ll deeply regret telling your mates when pissed
DRINKING sessions are a great way to connect with friends when your inhibitions are down. And also ruin your life by sharing these overly personal…
Five reasons your thirties are better than your twenties, if you’re in denial
ATTEMPTING to convince yourself physical decline, burdensome responsibilities and heightened stress are a good thing? Here’s why you’re so glad to be in your thirties: …
12 phrases you say and then realise you’ve become your parents
ONE moment you’re laughing at the idiotic things your parents say, the next the same phrases are coming out of your own stupid, ageing mouth.…
How to be shit at gossiping, by a man
DOES the minutiae of people’s personal lives somehow fail to grip you? It might be because you’re a man. Here Martin Bishop explains how to…
The middle-aged person’s guide to losing friends
IS your life cluttered with friends you’d prefer didn’t exist? Or require a minor effort to occasionally meet? Learn how to lose them like a…
Hoovers, postmen and oddly-shaped rocks: The terrible dangers I protect you from by barking, by your dog
IT’S a scary world out there for you humans. Luckily I’m always there to protect you with my terrifying barking abilities. Here are the threats…
Couple conceive second child as long-term investment to stop first one hassling them
A COUPLE are having a second child because they are already bored rigid of having to play with their first one, they have confirmed. Stephen…
How to have a really pretentious dinner party
DINNER parties are a great way to prove you’re better than your friends. But how do you pull it off? Eccentric neighbour pop-in Conspire a…
The five and only five emails people send in office jobs
OFFICE jobs look complicated from the outside, but all they really involve is sending these five emails again and again and again forever. ‘Have you…
MILF, and other compliments that aren’t
SHE’S cute, you’re horny; why not throw in a compliment and see what happens? But never one of these: ‘You’re a MILF’ If you wish…
Man shocked to learn his friends are having kids on purpose
A MAN is stunned to discover that his friends are at an age where they are actively having children on purpose, it has emerged. 32-year-old…
Saturday 11 May World Belly Dance Day
Belly dance is a dance that originated in Egypt but is now known around the world. Also known as Raks Baladi or Raqs Sharqi, this form of dance features…
Man unsure if he had nice evening or was just drunk
A MAN is unsure whether he had a great time last night or if he was just pissed, it has emerged. Jack, not his real…
Man who quit drinking and smoking now addicted to judging people
A MAN who adopted a ‘clean living’ lifestyle is now getting ‘high’ on being incredibly sanctimonious. Donatas, not his real name, 32, quit alcohol and…
Secret to success is ability to function with hangover
A NEW study has found that the key to social, financial and romantic success is being able to function while horrendously hungover. The Institute for…
Cool vegetarian still eats meat when pissed
A VEGETARIAN who keeps it real still eats kebabs and burgers after a few pints, he has confirmed. Chill herbivore Tom, not his real name,…