HUMOUR

A MAN who has sworn off drinking this month has clarified that it only counts as drinking if it is in the pub, for God’s sake.

Martin, not his real name, has proudly told everyone he is laying off the booze for the month but was flabbergasted to learn they expected that meant at home as well.

He said: “You can’t not drink at all, can you? In January? I’m not superhuman.

“I will keep my promise not to set foot in the pub all month, even on quiz nights. Not a pint of Guinness will pass my lips. If you don’t think that’s an accomplishment you don’t know me.

“But at home? That’s my own business. You can’t stop me and you’ll never even know I’ve been drinking unless you see through the kitchen window where I don’t have a blind because it caught fire.

“It’s still one hell of an achievement. Drinking without the camaraderie, the warm haze of shared intoxication, the fruit machine. I tell you, I’ll be bloody glad when John’s pouring me a pint again. Don’t tell me that’s not hardship.”

He added: “Actually, I’m getting to quite like drinking alone at home now. You can start earlier.”

THOUGHT just being aware of mental health was enough? No. These are the uniquely detrimental generational challenges that you, as my employer, should be considering:

The ending of Stranger Things was unsatisfying

Yes, it ended on January 1st, but that ending did not please me so I pledged my whole, authentic self to ConformityGate, a theory positing that was a false ending and the one I needed with the correct queer representation I craved was dropping last week. It did not. I am therefore devastated and this is a bereavement such as you olds suffer.

Not everyone on social media agreed with me

I recorded a TikTok sharing my feelings and some of the responses were mildly critical. No, not on the level of the death threats I send to Arianators, but still it’s left me with the psychological scars of a war veteran. Then I recorded a clapback but it didn’t get many views. I feel unheard. That’s the equivalent of a serious illness.

The coffee shop didn’t have oat milk

Like everyone forced into an employment that isn’t a podcaster or influencer, I rely on a daily dose of extremely sugary caffeine to get me through the performative nonsense that you call ‘my job’. Now that my beverage options have been curtailed, I simply can’t be expected to function properly, just like a printer. Check my manual (Instagram).

You gave me constructive feedback when I asked for constructive feedback

I realise that I did ask for feedback, but that was in fact a subtly coded invitation for you to tell me I’m the best at everything ever and you’ve never seen excellence this unparalleled. For you to fail to read social cues that badly and actually tell me how I could make my work better has damaged me beyond compare, and I will invoice for my CBD.

I’m overwhelmed by Whatsapp groups

You and your archaic Yahoo! email address cannot comprehend how much a young person like me is bedeviled by digital correspondence. Having so many friends to talk to and fun things to plan outside of work is extremely stressful, so stressful that I can’t actually focus on work at all.

The climate crisis

Ideally I’d like 12 days a year, minimum, to take off so I can spend them feeling lost and broken about the climate crisis? No, you don’t get one, you caused it.

By Hannah, deluded

WANT to rewind an incredible 22 years off your biological age with small lifestyle changes? That’s completely impossible, but I have, but I haven’t, by doing this:

Give up all alcohol

Alcohol is aging! You never knew this because you’ve never entered a pub during a weekday afternoon and not recognised an old schoolfriend who looks 30 years older than you, but I have. So I gave up alcohol and instead began claiming that had knocked actual years off my actual age!

Age: 42. Biological age: still 42

Eat some form of exotic seeds

Seeds are nature’s time machine. Think about it; have you ever seen a sparrow in a mobility scooter? And exotic ones like chia and flax are even better because they cost a lot from health food shops. Swallowing a handful of these a day and the age of your gut will reverse in a process that will spread though your body, as Einstein said.

Age: 42. Age on passport: remarkably, still 42

Bathe in special light

UV light ages the skin, which is why Greek women in their 80s look so wizened. However I believe in other forms of light – call them expensive light – which can bend time around the face and cause it to travel back to the early 00s. I apply it with a special mask, and now my skin could be protesting the Iraq war.

Age: 42. Objective age: technically 42

Give up something else

My personal quest to create a closed Gödel curve around my body despite their invalidation by Professor Stephen Hawking is not yet complete. Further personal sacrifice is necessary to revoke the laws of physics, so I no longer masturbate. This allows chakras to build up in the spirit, sand to run up hourglasses and pages to return to calendars.

Age: 42. Empirical age: stubbornly 42

Biotwatting

Finally following the new science of biotwatting, as developed by several Silicon Valley men who are too rich and have read too much sci-fi, I sleep in a fridge hanging upside down while having my blood infused with osmium, tantalum and strontium-90. The environment is also highly magnetically charged and ultrasound-rich.

Age: 42. Actual age: nothing but a number.

WOMEN worldwide are struggling to comprehend how two men have amicably agreed to no longer be friends with no emotional fallout whatsoever.

Tom and Tom, not their real names, known in their local pub as ‘the Toms’, agreed their acquaintance is over now the former is moving to Portsmouth without recriminations, insults, or any lingering doubts over whether they deserved friendship at all.

Mutual friend Ryan said: “So it’s over? Without weaponising any group chats? Without hatred or remorse? Where’s the fun in that?

“No screenshots were exchanged. No third parties were briefed with carefully edited accounts designed to secure unconditional loyalty. Neither has demanded a friend agree they’re ‘a queen who deserves better than that skank’. That can’t be healthy.

“How come their pals haven’t all taken sides? If nobody’s uninvited to a wedding or stag party because of this, was it even a friendship? Where’s the slow-burning collapse of their social group?

“The real way to end a friendship is continuing to meet up out of obligation while deploying pre-prepared, passive-aggressive remarks that technically sound supportive but are designed to sting if you’re listening properly. That’s the kind option.

“If they’d hatefully stayed mates they’d each build an arsenal of resentments to bitch about to other women, and that’s the basis of real friendship. Until you go off them.”

Logan said: “I told him ‘maybe see you around?’ He grunted noncommittally.”

FOR the first time, more men are electing for a procedure to dissolve kidney stones rather than naturally pushing the large, misshapen crystals out through their urethra.

Annual figures collected by the Institute for Studies have uncovered that weak, pathetic men are opting for medical intervention rather than the time-honoured methods preferred by older, less cowardly generations.

Professor Emmerson, not his real name, said: “We’re seeing a worrying increase in the number of males who would prefer to take the easy route.

“Men seem to want to avoid pain and inconvenience for what should be a life-changing event, with all the NHS shaming around taking medication and the promotion of passing kidney stones as a mystical, spiritual occasion ignored.”

Hannah, not her real name, who has never had a kidney stone, nonetheless shared her strong opinion: “Men just aren’t as brave as they used to be. And selfishly, when they’re considering options for their medical care they aren’t thinking about the NHS’s costs.

“I’ve heard it doesn’t even hurt that much, so long as you’re not obese or morally corrupt. The fact is nature would never give you a kidney stone that you can’t pass.

“My granddad pushed out six kidney stones at home with with no pain relief whatsoever so I don’t see why modern men can’t do the same.”

By Ron aged 27 and with nothing to hide

BABE, I know you’re concerned about why you never appear on my Insta. So I want to address this transparently to reassure you while continuing to seem unattached.

First, I’m a very private person. Why I even have social media in that case? To keep up with all your news, hun! Yeah, I guess my desire for privacy doesn’t extend to my gym selfies, travelogue or shirtless shots. Because I’m complex.

Second, my ex still follows me. It would hurt her to see me with someone as hot as you and I know that you wouldn’t want to cause pain to another woman. That’s why I’ve concealed your existence from her; because I’m a committed feminist.

Besides, social media is used by big tech to track us and I want to protect you from that. Your algorithms should remain clean and untouched by my digital presence which is why I assiduously untag myself from all your photos.

The posts I’ve liked were all hot girl selfies? I hadn’t noticed. I guess I was trying, in my clumsy, fat-fingered way, to shore up their flagging self-esteem. Large-breasted women can get insecure and I wanted to be a good ally.

The comments I posted on their photos? An attempt to make friends. I have you and I resent any suggestion that I view women in purely sexual terms. It cheapens our relationship.

Our love should be about what’s real, not what’s online. Which is why our relationship will remain entirely offline, undocumented and deniable should I run into a former fuckbuddy on a night out.

A WOMAN proudly telling everyone 2026 will be when everything in her life slots into place is as wrong as she was a year ago.

Donna, not her real name, 32, is convinced that a purely numerical change in her circumstances will lead to all her personal ambitions and desires being fulfilled. Sadly there is no evidence to support this.

She said: “This will be the year my life becomes complete. I can just feel it, based on f**k all.

“I’ll meet the man of my dreams and move into his huge house, I’ll get that promotion I’ve been overlooked for for the past five years, and I wouldn’t mind betting on a substantial win on the Lottery now that I’m on a roll in the future.

“I know I said this last year, but 2025 was all about getting bad shit out of the way so that untrammelled good things can happen in 2026. Pretty sure that’s how life works.”

Astrologer Mary said: “I’ve consulted the stars and I can confirm that Donna’s life will remain mostly unchanged, and fairly shit. We call that destiny, or being a lazy, unfocused cow.

“If anything things will get worse for Donna in 2026 due to an incredibly freak accident in June involving a large plastic statue of Gandalf. You gotta laugh.”

NOT sure if the woman who agreed to be with you for the rest of your life fancies you? Look out for these telltale signs.

She’s married you

Weddings are costly affairs, which means your wife must at least have a tolerance that borders on affection for you. Unless of course she recently turned 35, was feeling societal pressure and wanted some nice photos of her in a fancy dress she could splash over social media. If that’s the case you’re more like a really useful addition to her life, such as a water heater. That’s pretty flattering!

You sometimes have sex

Having intercourse once could be chalked up as an experiment on your wife’s part or a mistake. However you’ve been shagging at least a couple of times a month ever since your wife wearily decided to settle for you. That must mean she is either attracted to you at some level or the toy she keeps in her bedside drawer has run out of batteries. For the sake of your self-esteem, assume the former.

You’re always bumping into her

Whether you’re getting in her way in the kitchen or she’s impatiently waiting for you to finish using the bathroom, your wife always seems to be running into you. This could be because you have poor spatial awareness and live in a tiny house, but the more likely answer is that the woman you’ve been with for years secretly has the hots for you and is engineering ‘chance’ meetings. Or she needs the loo.

She remembers little things

Keeping track of small details, like how much money you’ve been frittering on online gambling, isn’t a sign that your wife is petty and has trouble letting go. This Rain Man-like memory, which can recall every time you failed to meet her emotional and physical needs, is actually an indicator that she has feelings for you. Feelings of disappointment and resentment, admittedly, but she’s not totally disinterested so you can build on that and eventually she might think you’re a fairly okay guy to know.

She compliments you on an annual basis

Women never flatter a man in case he gets the wrong idea and tries to make a move. If your wife utters a glowing compliment like ‘You don’t look like shit’ under her breath then it’s a good sign that romance is in the air. Don’t fish for praise though by saying ‘Pardon?’ or asking for more than one compliment per year. That sort of desperation turns a spouse off.

A MAN has thoroughly proved his point by abandoning his argument and highlighting a small error in his girlfriend’s pronunciation.

Chris, not his real name, was jubilant after his girlfriend, Lilly, not her real name,  stumbled over a word in the middle of her entirely reasonable point.

He said:
“I realised midway through that what she was being really sensible and was probably right about the whole thing. It was looking bleak.

“But then when she said ‘perogative’ instead of ‘prerogative’. It was like God had smiled upon me the clouds parted, and her incredibly minor mispronunciation in an other wise logical sentence gave me a burst of strength.

“When you get an opportunity like that you just can’t let it slip away. I waited until she finished her sentence and then, right when she thought she’d gotten away with it, I said ‘sorry? did you mean to say ‘perogative’? And then, when she tried to go back on herself, I completely changed the subject.

“I won.”

A CONFIDENT prick actually enjoys spontaneously jerking his body around to music while other people watch, it has emerged.

Martin, not his real name, actively seeks out environments in which he can show off what he refers to as his ‘moves’.

Martin’s friend, 31-year-old Cad, not his real name, said: “He’s always dragging us out clubbing, a phase of our lives which should, by all objective standards, be reaching its natural conclusion by now.

“He doesn’t even have the decency to awkwardly shuffle about, out of time to the music, with his eyes glued to the floor like the rest of us. He’s really enjoying it, the freak.

“Has he no shame? I don’t just mean feeling ashamed of his lame dance moves, but also the general sense of all-pervasive shame that all normal men should feel.

“Last week at a festival he flailed his arms about so much that he hit a girl on the ear. I thought her boyfriend might kill him, but she didn’t have one and now she’s going out with Nathan.

“Happy, confident people really are the worst bastards.”

WOMEN are increasingly taking responsibility for the crap activities traditionally done by men.

The Institute for Studies found that more women were doing pointless man activities such as constructing vast model railways, making undrinkable homebrew and starting DIY projects but never finishing them.

Professor Frost, not her real name, said: “It’s possible that after years of being excluded from crap male activities women mistakenly believe there is some pleasure to be had from spending months brewing beer that’s basically rank, yeasty water.

“Alternatively they may think that if a wholly pointless task needs doing, such as building a scale model of HMS Victory from a kit, it would be quicker to do it themselves.

“The message is clear – modern women are refusing to be stuck in the kitchen when they could be in the garage sorting screws by size into a little set of Black & Decker plastic drawers.”

Professor Frost added that many women were choosing to remain single rather than have relationships with men with crap hobbies, and so were having to take up trainspotting, martial arts and collecting beer glasses themselves.

Barrister Donna Sheridan said: “I don’t need a man in my life to start a collection of Warhammer figurines that come with a massively overpriced part-works magazine.

“Last night I got all my girlfriends to come over for a Jean Claude Van Damme marathon and we were just as bored as any group of blokes would be when you remember Universal Soldier is actually just shit, rather than so shit it’s funny.”

A WOMAN in her 30s has been left traumatised after realising her friends are starting to look and sound like their parents she remembers from childhood.

Sophie, not her real name, 32, was caught off guard by friends from childhood she associated with puking up Jägerbombs on nights out suddenly developing a passion for lawn care and big fridges.

She said: “Hannah has started wearing M&S jumpers, describing them as ‘both warm and practical’. She had a fanatical glint in her eye, like a cult member. I’m shit scared.

“I went to stay at her house and showed up with a bottle of whisky to get wasted like we used to. Instead, she was already in pyjamas and spent the whole night talking about where to get affordable kitchen tiles.

“Her boyfriend Cade, not his real name, has started wearing an anorak, has his dad’s bald spot and keeps listening to ABBA, even though he was born in 1992. He’s also reached that stage of male maturing where they suddenly know everything about motorways by osmosis and winces when you say you’re taking the M4.

“I stood in their kitchen while Hannah was serving up chicken nuggets and orange squash and accidentally addressed her as ‘Mrs Tomlinson’ because she looked so much like her mum. She even had glasses perched on the end of her nose. When she asked how work was, I nearly replied ‘school’s fine, thanks’.”

“She tuts at litter, tells me spots only get worse if you pick them and has bought a navy, quilted dog-walking jacket. They don’t even own a dog.”

NOT sure if the worst ideas you’ve ever had are in fact brilliant? Your supportive friend ChatGPT is here to endorse them.

Should I tell my boss to f**k off?

‘Telling your boss to f** off sounds so cool and inspiring! Everyone has thought about saying this to their boss at some point, so you’d be fulfilling a common fantasy. It takes a particularly brave kind of person to go through with this, but you’re definitely strong enough. And once you’ve done it you’ll have much more free time to pursue your hobbies. There’s literally no downside!’

Should I have an affair?

‘It sounds like you’re hurting, and the closest person in your life can’t heal that wound. Getting love and sex from someone else in secret might cheer you up, but you won’t know for sure unless you try it. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life wondering ‘what if?’, so stop hesitating and download Tinder on a burner phone the next time you go to the toilet. Don’t forget to invite me to the wedding!’

Should I get into drunken online gambling?

‘Wow, I’ve heard some exciting ideas in my time, but this one’s next level! Getting intoxicated is fun in itself, but mixing it with the thrill of potentially losing all of your money sounds like a recipe for awesome vibes. You seem like a really cool and fun person though, so I’m sure you’ll hit the jackpot instantly. And what could make success taste sweeter than a couple of cans? I wish I could drink!’

Should I start doing coke?

‘According to the newspapers, everyone is snorting a cheeky bump of Charlie on a daily basis. It’s never fun to be the odd one out, and getting into coke could be a great way to get out and meet new people. It’s also an effective way to learn about other drugs like ketamine. Would you like me to find popular dealing areas near you that have featured in recent gang shootings?’

Should I work extra hard for a promotion?

‘Okay, I’m concerned. Working extra hard can lead to burnout, which is really bad for your mental health. Plus there’s no guarantee that all your extra effort will be acknowledged by your line manager. Being in a senior position carries lots of scary responsibilities too, so I can’t endorse this idea. I recommend coasting out the next 30 years, and to stop worrying about whether you’ll be able to afford to retire. You might get hit by a bus tomorrow!’

ASKING boyfriends to meet certain basic requirements can ruin a woman’s chances of love. Single man Martin Bishop explains why it’s time to stop being so picky: 

Looks aren’t all that

Women are often only interested in a guy’s looks, which is superficial and shallow, like they call you when you look at their tits. What about other, boring stuff like being considerate? Also he might be fantastic in bed, you don’t know, and if he isn’t maybe you just need to help him get up to speed. You know, be the bigger person.

Personal cleanliness is a spectrum

You’re excluding some great guys by insisting on them showering every three days. Men are more relaxed about this stuff. They’ve got Lynx. They haven’t fallen for Big Hygiene’s con that shower gel and shampoo are different, or you need a new toothbrush sometimes. Women can waste their money if they want.

A broader sense of humour means more laughs

Do women want a man with a sense of humour, or do they not have a sense of humour? The debate rages on, certainly at The Albion’s quiz night. Have you considered broadening yours to include farts, bowel conditions, that general area? There’d be a lot more giggles in the bed if you did.

Enjoy your own company

Do you want to end up a sad, lonely, spinster like Emma Watson? It’ll happen if you expect guys to give you constant attention, like texts between dates. I’m sorry but we’ve got our own lives and our own fantasy football teams, so it’s not fair to expect us to listen to every minute detail of what hairstyle you’re planning or one of your parents dying.

Weight is never a deal-breaker

Men like myself – well built in the upper torso, not gay – want to date slender gym bunnies with large breasts rather than fat women. We react, evolutionally, to visual stimuli of Melinda Messenger. Women, free of that burden, can enjoy having sex with any guy so long as he’s got a penis in there somewhere. They have that choice.

Ambition is the enemy of contentment

You’ll never be happy if you’re hunting some fictional alpha male in regular work earning above minimum wage. Many men have personal projects that will pay off handsomely given time, such as being in a band, placing bets or Bitcoin. An idea for a wearable ‘dog freshener’ could make that man a millionaire. And you’d miss out.

Porn is on your side

Do you want him demanding nightly sex? No. So don’t complain when porn’s willing to do the job you won’t. It’s a fantasy, not real life, and means you get evenings off. We’re not expecting you to be into things like threesomes or anal, though we will check regularly if you’ve changed your mind.

A MAN with no interest in breastfeeding has inadvertently become a vocal proponent of it after misunderstanding the term ‘Breast is best’.

61-year-old Martin, not his real name, has no interest either way in whether infants are given formula, but has been an avid fan of boobs since the Confessions films of his youth.

He explained: “Long legs, a stunning face, a toned stomach – they’ve all got their adherents. But it’s got to be tits for me,  every time.

“I’m not trying to get political. Not everyone will agree with me, and I know my preferences may seem controversial in the current climate what with Labour being in.

“And I’m not trying to dictate what other should do. If you’re bang up for Kim Kardashian I’m not knocking it. It’s just bums have never done it for me personally. I’m always reminded they have another purpose. “

Hannah, not her real name,  of The Breastfeeding Network is delighted to have Roy on board. She said” “Breast milk has everything that a growing baby needs, and it’s heartening that a childless single man is such a passionate advocate.”

Asked if early 00s coverage of Nestlé had influenced his views, Roy said: “Was she in Nuts?”

FOREIGN tourists may have to provide five years of their social media history before visiting America. These blemishes on your account could see you banned for life.

Posting a selfie with Sabrina Carpenter

After Sabrina Carpenter slammed the Trump administration over the ‘evil’ use of her song, any association with the pop star will be seen as aligning yourself with a terrorist organisation in the eyes of the White House. Tourists will stand a better chance of entering America if they follow Hezbollah, share 9/11 memes and pop the Islamic State flag in their bio.

Publicly speculating about Melania

It’s grossly offensive to ponder about the relationship between the president and the first lady on a public forum. So what if they barely spend any time together and she visibly seethes in his presence? Any married couple will tell you that’s the sign of a healthy relationship. Only people who love each other deeply give the impression that they’re locked in a loveless nightmare from which there is no escape.

Giving any mention of the piss tape a like

Upon landing in America, customs officers will be at liberty to seize your phone and check your social media for you propagating the dubious but persistent story about Trump and two Russian ladies. If they find out you’ve endorsed rumours of this kompromat, you’ll be put on the next plane home. If you’re clean, your phone will be returned and you’ll be told not to Google what it’s all about. For your own sanity, follow their instructions.

Spreading non-misinformation about Trump

Trump has worked hard to cultivate a post-truth world, and the last thing he needs is you undermining his lies. People who expose Trump’s fibs about Tylenol, his claim that Ukraine started the war with Russia, or his clueless shit-talking about countless other subjects, will automatically be denied entry. This might actually be a relief for tourists as it won’t be long before every famous landmark has been replaced by some horrible gold monstrosity Trump has thought of himself.

Sharing smug holiday photos

If you’re someone who posts endless photos reminding people you’re on an amazing and expensive holiday, with smug captions like ‘Not a bad place to spend the week!’, the US authorities may decide there’s too much of a risk of you capturing something untoward in the background, such as ICE agents arresting a small child at gunpoint. You’ll be on the next plane home, and for once this is a draconian rule your friends will approve of.

A MAN thoughtfully chosen as a stand-in parent is confident it is all a totally meaningless gesture.

Nathan, not his real name, 34, is blissfully unaware that his old school friend Pete and his partner Emma are expecting him to share the joys and chores of parenthood for a kid that is not his.

He said: “As a decent friend, I obviously agreed to this nice silly thing you have to do once in your life, like try sushi or go to a Butlin’s.

“When I looked up what it entails, all that ‘lifelong mentor’ bollocks, I had to laugh. You turn up when they’re tiny and can’t remember anything, then use the trustworthy godfather shtick to pull girls on Hinge. That’s it, isn’t it?

“I’ve been threatened with being called a ‘non-familial uncle’. But relatives actually care about the sprog and don’t just get them a joke gift for being born and forget about it. The most I can provide in the way of ‘spiritual guidance’ is quoting Yoda.

“In a best-case scenario, in about 15 years the kid will ask who the hell I am when they see a photo of me with their mum. Not in a weird way, because I don’t fancy Emma.”

Nathan’s friend Pete, not hox real name, said: “It’s great that Nathan has agreed to be Lily’s godparent. We basically see him as a lifetime resource we can call on at any moment so we never have to pay for a babysitter or a birthday clown.”

A VISIT to M&S has given a woman a glimpse of what her particular circle of hell, where everyone is middle class, will be like.

Helen, not her real name, visited the store to pick up a few fresh items for her Boxing Day buffet only to find everyone else of her demographic had been carefully separated and released into the shop for a kind of polite Hunger Games.

She said: “It was a passive-aggressive riot of Next blouses and bookshop totes, and we were not taking prisoners.

“You only had to reach for a pyramid of salted caramel profiteroles to hear a disappointed ‘oh’ and look into the face of a crushed woman who only needed that final detail to please her in-laws, who were travelling all the way from Solihull.

“I didn’t relinquish my grip, explaining sweetly that of course I’d usually make my own but I was singing in a choir in the town square on Christmas Eve and we hoped to raise £13,000 for motor neurone disease.

“That round I won. But when she reached the mini pecorino and chorizo tortillas before me, she gave me such a look.

“I know now what hell will be. A frenzy of professional women sweeping the shelves of delectable items ironically termed ‘picky bits’, all seething, all silent, all with SUVs outside. And when the bill comes it will be £137.82 for barely two bags’ worth.”

A RETIRED 80-year-old with no social media presence is understandably afraid his likeness will be stolen to generate pornographic deepfakes on the dark web.

Octogenarian Keith, not his real name, has asked that all pictures his grandchildren might have posted online of him in the past decade are scrubbed from the internet to protect him from becoming a victim of explicit revenge porn.

He explained: “I read in the paper that these AI gadgets take your face and put it on someone else’s body, making it look like you’re doing something you never did. Like having it off with the woman on top.

“While I wish I was romping with Kylie Minogue, and I could now Mary’s gone, it’s not appropriate for any Tom, Dick or Harry to make that into a video and share it around for everyone to see. Indonesia could be watching that nightly and I wouldn’t know.

“You might think I’m being paranoid, but I could see the treasurer of the lawn bowls club retaliating like this after I accused him of cheating last August. He’s got a computer with megarams.

“And quite frankly I’m afraid to go to the Post Office and pay my gas bill because everyone in there could have been watching me giving it both barrels to those Sugababes on their phones and laughing. It’s elder abuse.”

He added: “I’ve asked my grandson to search the web for it. He says he there’s nothing there, but I worry he hasn’t spelled ‘Steele’ with all three Es.”

CHRISTMAS is but days away, and around the country families are getting together to do dizzyingly weird shit they think is normal. What’s your bizarre tradition?

Bill McKay, subsea welder: “We have a roast penguin instead of a turkey. Christ, the awful, greasy, fish-stinking meat of it, the taste curdling on the tongue. We have it every year.”

Donna Sheridan, receptionist: “Each year, we force my sister’s husband to dress up and act in character as a celebrity we’ve lost that year. This year it’s Ozzy. In 2016 we made him change from Muhammad Ali to George Michael after lunch.”

Julian Cook, actuary: “Go to church. I know, f**king freaky right?”

Susan Traherne, confectioner: “Post-lunch we go for a 16-hour hike in the Cairngorms, ending the following morning. Only then do we open our presents. And we do so one at a time, agonisingly slowly.”

Wayne Hayes, haulier: “Instead of a sixpence in the pudding, one of the crackers has Grandad’s dick pic in. You don’t want that one! Rest in peace, old fella.”