LOOKING for love? Struggling to meet people? These are the locations where it will never, ever happen for you:
Nightclubs
True love that will last the ages needs time to flower. It also needs to hear what your paramour is saying without shouting over the bass bin. Neither of these things are going to happen in a nightclub, although you may be able to cop off with someone you’ll hope you weren’t seen with the following morning.
Pubs
In theory, pubs are the perfect place to find love. A cosy atmosphere and alcohol is on hand at all times to give you Dutch courage before approaching the object of your woozy affection. Sadly their clientele consists of established couples out on date night, or old f**kers steadily drinking themselves into an early grave, neither of which are your type.
Work
Crossing the streams of work and love is a bad idea for a reason: if you f**k up one the other will suffer. It’s not worth asking out Nikki from facilities, because in the unlikely chance she’s interested it’s not worth risking the salary that barely covers your studio apartment. Instead, try to fall in love with Excel and your overdue Q3 profit report.
Dating apps
Notice how they’re called ‘dating’ apps and not ‘find the love of your life’ apps. They’re tailored towards user engagement instead of matching you with your soulmate, because if you find a soulmate they lose a user. The developers could easily create an algorithm which instantly pairs you with your perfect partner, but there’s no money for them in that. So they won’t.
The gym
Gyms are filled with toned, athletic people, which is great for shallow twats. However these Adonises and Aphrodites are too busy trying to do one last rep or beat a personal best to listen to your chat-up lines. The only thing they can ever love is their own reflection, so don’t f**king bother.
In the park
Strolling through your local park with an adorable hound is a foolproof way of finding love, so rom-coms claim. In reality you’ll get approached by babes fawning over your pooch while barely giving you a second glance. Perhaps the plastic bag full of shit you’re swinging playfully is putting them off.