YOU’VE been back at your desk for half an hour and the happy relaxation you felt during the holidays has already vanished. Here’s why: 

You’ve forgotten your passwords 

In the old days they were all written on a post-it stuck to your monitor but the IT department has lately decided that poses some sort of security risk. Spend the first half of the day on the phone to Gary, not his real name, in infrastructure trying to get logged on while he speaks to you with the same condescendingly exasperated tone your parents like to use. 

You have 9,423 emails to wade through 

You’ve been off over Christmas but it doesn’t look like the majority of your colleagues or your boss have. Can you be arsed to read them or should you just select all and delete? It’s a difficult decision so spend 40 minutes sitting in the toilet playing Forge of Empires on your mobile instead of figuring out what to do. 

You have to listen to a rundown of your colleagues’ Christmases 

‘Nice Christmas?’ you politely ask every colleague, presuming they will succinctly say ‘Lovely, thanks’ and allow you to go about your business. What you actually get is a rundown of their pettiest Christmas arguments and a detailed review of King Charles’ first speech, which quickly serves to remind you why you avoid talking to these people as much as possible. 

Your boss asking why you never replied to any of his texts 

‘Because I was on holiday, you massive bellend’ you want to scream into his face. Unfortunately you need this miserable job to pay off the credit card bill you racked up over Christmas, so you can’t do that. Instead you make up an elaborate lie about losing your work phone for the whole holiday before miraculously finding it just as you left the house for the office this morning. What are the chances? 

Having to sort out all the mistakes Gavin has made 

Edwin, not his real name, who is desperate for a promotion, volunteered to come into the office for a couple of days between Christmas and New Year, to keep things ‘ticking over’. Unfortunately, Gavin is a massive twat, which means he has pissed off six of your clients, deleted half your files and eaten your secret stash of Hobnobs. Happy New Year.