DEAR DEIDRE: I CAN’T stop fantasising about having sex with my stepsister.
As children, we would lock ourselves in the bathroom, take off our clothes and touch each other’s private parts.
It was only when I got older that I realised why it had felt so good.
I’m 28 and she’s 29. I’ve been thinking about what happened a lot recently, and my feelings worry me.
My mum married her dad when I was seven. She never felt like a sister to me, more like an older friend.
The sexual experimentation started when I was around eight or nine.
It only went on for about six months, until we both grew out of it.
It was all very innocent and we were both just curious.
But lately, I can’t stop thinking about what happened. And, I’m ashamed to admit, I now realise I have developed adult sexual feelings for her.
At night, I lie in bed, fantasising about having sex with her.
I imagine us, as adults, back in our parents’ house, locking ourselves in that bathroom again. These fantasies make me feel excited, but also guilty and ashamed.
I’m worried they are not normal.
I know it can never, and will never, happen. For one thing, she has a partner and a child.
I did once send her a message, asking if she remembered what we used to get up to.
She didn’t reply. I guess she was embarrassed.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s natural for children to be curious about each other’s bodies, and most children play exploratory sexual games.
They are a normal part of development and, if between children of a similar age and if they are restricted to looking and touching, they are generally not harmful.
Even though you aren’t blood-related, you are close family and so your relatives would be very likely to struggle with any relationship between yourself and your stepsister.
Perhaps the fact that sex with your stepsister is forbidden is what makes your fantasies so exciting. See my support pack, Sexual Fantasies And You, for more about this.
It might help to talk to a sex therapist in confidence. Visit cosrt.org.uk (020 8106 9635) for more details on this.
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HUBBY’S BORING NOW HE’S OLDER
DEAR DEIDRE: THE thought of being stuck with my boring, grumpy husband until one of us dies makes me miserable.
I always looked forward to retirement, but he doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. He’s already got one foot in the grave and I’m at the end of my tether.
We’re both approaching 70 and have been married for more than 40 years. Our children left home decades ago and have children of their own.
After working extremely hard as a nurse during my career, and saving carefully, I thought retirement would be my reward – the chance to travel, have fun and spend time doing interesting things together.
I was wrong. My husband has turned into a curmudgeonly old bore. Now we’re both retired, all he wants to do is sit in his armchair watching TV or tend to the garden.
He grunts at me instead of talking, doesn’t want to socialise with friends, and poo-poos any suggestion of far-flung holidays.
We’re lucky to still be healthy and fit. If we don’t do this stuff now, we never will.
I’ve realised I no longer want to be with him, but I can’t face the expense and stress of a divorce.
What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s easy, and common, for couples to grow apart without realising it. The fact you’ve written in suggests you aren’t quite ready to give up on your husband.
Given the way he’s acting, I do wonder if he might be depressed
Retirement can have a profound effect on some men, making them feel they’ve lost their purpose and identity.
See my support pack, Help For Your Depression. Another pack, Looking After Your Relationship, should help you to talk to him.
Couples counselling might also be a very good idea. Go online at tavistockrelationships.org to arrange an appointment.
In the meantime, consider enjoying your hobbies and going travelling with friends, so you don’t feel so resentful.
HE PREFERS PHONE TO HAVING SEX
DEAR DEIDRE: AS my boyfriend chooses going to bed with his phone over having sex with me, I feel totally rejected.
He’s become addicted to his mobile but he denies he has a problem. I can’t take much more.
I’m 27 and he’s 29. We’ve been together for five years. We used to have great sex. Now we barely even cuddle. Instead, he lies there scrolling through social media.
He says he doesn’t feel like sex because he’s stressed. I’m sure his phone use is making this worse.
I suggested we set time boundaries for using our devices, and he got really angry. It’s clear to me he has a big problem.
DEIDRE SAYS: Smartphone addiction is a growing problem. What starts as a distraction can soon become a compulsion.
And, as with any addiction, it can leave partners feeling isolated. My support pack, Addicted To Screens, provides sources of help.
Explain how worried and unhappy you are and say you want to help him with his stress. Perhaps suggest a weekend away together, where you can try reconnecting.
But he needs to accept he has a problem if anything is to change.
PARTNER INSULTS MY LOOKS
DEAR DEIDRE: BECAUSE my partner is so mean to me, I have sex with him just to keep the peace.
When I have my period and don’t want to be intimate, he insults my body, calling me “old saggy breasts”.
We’ve been together for nine years and are in our mid-thirties. We have two young children. He started mentally abusing me once our first child was born.
He’d criticise my weight and put me down, making me feel I was useless and that nobody else would want me.
I did pluck up the courage to leave him but he begged me to come back, promising he’d changed.
He was lovely for a few months until I got pregnant with our second, and then the abuse started again.
Since then I’ve felt trapped. I don’t have the confidence or energy to walk away.
DEIDRE SAYS: This relationship is toxic, and you deserve so much better.
Your partner puts you down in order to control you.
You’ve left once, and you can do it again – not just for your sake, but for your children’s.
They must be aware of his behaviour and he may start on them one day.
Please get help to leave. My support pack, Abusive Partner, has lots of information.