DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my long-term lover finally left his wife, I was thrilled. But I’m still his sexy secret 12 months on and I’m losing patience.

We began our affair at work five years ago.

At first it was strictly fun. We would go for lunch on company time and end up in a hotel, or stay late at the office and have exciting, passionate sex under his desk.

I would accompany him on work trips, sunbathing in a bikini next to him while he took long, unhappy phone calls from his wife who was stuck at home with their toddler.

It was fun and sexy.

I’m 28 and he’s 39, so I never expected us to last.

But we fell properly in love and now I feel like we’re soulmates. He finally left his wife a year ago and moved back home to his parents.

After that, I expected us to come out as an official couple but there’s still been no action.

He refuses to stay the night at my house in case his parents wonder where he is, and he spends most evenings during the week with his son.

He hasn’t introduced me to his friends, or told anyone at work about us. I feel like we spend less time together now than before he left.

Whenever I talk about our future, he repeats vague promises like, “We’ll figure it out,” or “Let’s not waste time arguing”.

I keep telling him “figuring it out” isn’t the same as sorting things out. Nothing is happening! I feel like I’m being fobbed off.

I’ve been a secret for five years and I’m sick of it.

DEIDRE SAYS:  Either your lover isn’t being honest with you, or he struggles to communicate well.

Whichever the answer, it’s safe to assume he is being equally vague with everyone else.

He is probably keeping you a secret because he doesn’t want family and friends to know he cheated on his wife for so long.

And he may be worried his wife will stop him seeing their son when she finds out about you. It does happen.

Have a calm talk with him. Tell him that his behaviour makes you question his feelings for you and your future.

Ask him to explain his reasons for keeping you a secret even now.

If you’re stuck on how to have this conversation, I suggest you read my support pack Looking After Your Relationship, which deals with handling tough talks.

If after this chat he is still full of words but no action, it might be time to focus on your own future. End this secret relationship and look for someone who can’t wait to show you off to the world.

FAMILY FORUM

DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife and I are both retired. Our son is 42 and addicted to heroin. He’s living with us after losing his job again.

Even when he was employed, his wages never covered his drug habit.

His dealers let him rack up a huge amount of debt. When he couldn’t repay it, dangerous-looking people began turning up at our door demanding money. It was terrifying.

I paid off all the debts to make them go away but the cycle started again. My son even tried gambling, but ended up owing much more.

Citizens Advice told me to stop bailing him out, but things got so bad, we felt we had to step in.

He promises the debts are all gone, then suddenly “remembers” another £500 he owes someone else.

We’ve worked hard all our lives, and now our pensions are being drained away by his choices.

He’s refused counselling. He’ll only attend Narcotics Anonymous if I drive him.

We kicked him out once, but the police found him sleeping on the street and sent him home.

It’s a painful, endless cycle.

Whenever we confront him, all we get are lies and excuses. We don’t know what to do for the best.

DEIDRE SAYS: I understand you want the best for your son. But the strain his behaviour is putting on you and your wife is immense.

If you can’t tolerate him being at home, you might want to consider setting a time limit – three months, six months, or whatever you feel is appropriate – for him to find a job, seek support for his addiction, and get somewhere to live.

Agree this time limit together, as a family.

It can be very difficult to know what is appropriate. To provide food, shelter, meals and laundry for a young person may be normal, but it’s another matter when they are a 42-year-old man.

Helping out in a time of crisis can quickly become a way of life. Even though you care about your son and you love him, you must ask yourself when is enough enough.

I suggest you get in touch with Adfam (adfam.org.uk), a charity supporting families affected by addiction.

SIS-IN-LAW WON’T STOP FLIRTY TEXTS

DEAR DEIDRE: MY sister-in-law keeps texting me late at night. I’ve tried everything I can to discourage her, but nothing works. It’s starting to drive a wedge between me and my wife.

My wife and I are both 32. We’ve been happily married for two years.

She has a younger sister. I didn’t meet her until the wedding because she had been living away, but she was flirty straight away.

At the reception she came strutting up to me, all blonde and pretty, and grabbed me for a slow dance.

She ran her hands all over my chest, and whispered into my ear that I’d “married the wrong sister”. I just put it down to the open bar.

But then she moved back home and began manoeuvring herself into my personal space at every family gathering – sitting on my lap, squeezing past me in the kitchen.

My wife didn’t seem to notice so I wondered if I was imagining it. Then the sister-in-law started texting me.

At first it was just when the football was on (we support the same team), but she quickly moved on to asking me for dating advice.

She regularly shares selfies all glammed up to go on dates.

I love my in-laws so I don’t want to be rude to their daughter, but I also don’t want to encourage her.

I have tried writing brief replies or just using the thumbs-up emoji but she hasn’t been put off. If anything, she texts more.

DEIDRE SAYS: Is your sister-in-law close to your wife?

The fact that she is flirting with you, a happily married man, suggests to me she might have low self-esteem. It certainly hints at her feeling inferior to your wife.

Whatever the reason, all you can do is kindly, but firmly, shut these interactions down.

Stop replying to her messages altogether.

You’re not duty-bound to reply, and I doubt she will complain to her parents that her brother-in-law ignored her late-night selfie.

Keep a record of the messages.

If she persists in getting too close to you at family meetings, avoid being near her and ensure you are not left alone with her.

If she still refuses to get the message, be blunt. Tell her that her behaviour is inappropriate, and you want it to stop.

I’m sending you my support pack Standing Up For Yourself to help you get your point across assertively.

BOYFRIEND’S DRAWN TO MY SNACKS

DEAR DEIDRE: ALTHOUGH I am happy to give my boyfriend all my love and attention, I draw the line at my cereal.

He is 25 and lives with his mum. I’m 26 and I rent a flat.

We’ve been dating for 18 months. He stays at my place most weekends.

Everything is great, except he helps himself to anything from my food cupboards every time he’s here – and regularly cleans me out.

He seems especially drawn to my cereal and snacks. Within minutes of arriving, he’s elbow-deep in my Frosties and peanuts like he hasn’t eaten in years.

He has a long drive to visit me so I feel it’s only fair to feed him, but then I’m all out of breakfast for the week.

DEIDRE SAYS: Grocery bills have rocketed in the UK and his habit must be costing you a lot.

Couples often love cooking for each other, but you’re not obliged to provide free treats just because he travels to you.

Talk to him about your limited food budget and discuss what you can afford and what he can contribute.

WANT TO END IT ALL

DEAR DEIDRE: WATCHING my friend try on expensive clothes made me see what a mess I’ve made of my life.

I’m a 39-year-old woman.

From a young age I was ambitious and planned to run my own business. My ultimate goal was to buy a house before I was 40.

Nothing has worked out. Instead, I have lost my ­minimum-wage job and might be kicked out of my rented flat.

A friend took me shopping to cheer me up. She tried on £400 dresses ­without batting an eye. While I’m wondering how I’ll afford the bus home. I’m contemplating ending it all.

DEIDRE SAYS: One in 15 people will consider suicide at some point in their lives, and losing a job is a common trigger. You’re not a failure, you’re having a tough time.

Talking about your feelings to friends and family will help you.

If you don’t know who to talk to, contact suicide-prevention charity The Campaign Against Living Miserably (0808 585 858, thecalmzone.net).