A COUPLE have created their own version of date night where they do not go out in favour of drinking alcohol then having sex.

Lucy and Jack, not their real names of course, had previously spent date nights trailing to restaurants or theatres before they decided to trim the fat, cut the formalities and skip straight to the good bit where they f**k.

She said: “Everyone knows what date night’s about, yeah? Underneath all the bullshit?

“One night we had tickets for Pretty Woman: The Musicalwhich got cancelled but we were already dressed up, so we drank two bottles of champagne by candlelight then spent the rest of the evening rutting like beasts up against the furniture.

“It was one of the best nights of our relationship, and not just because we didn’t have to watch Pretty Woman: The Musical. So next date night we did it again.”

He said: “By allowing the most important elements of the evening – intoxication, fornication, and the combination thereof – room to breathe you’re saving money, time and the wearying pretence this is about anything other than banging away until mutual orgasm.

“Why would we want to go out and do paid-for activities together? We’ve got mates for that.”