A VEGAN spends 90 per cent of his waking hours policing other vegans for dietary infractions, he has confirmed. 

Dean, not hos real name, who has been a vegan longer than anyone else, suspects all other vegans of secretly not being vegans when he is not looking and is determined to expose their hypocrisy once and for all.

He said: “Had some chocolate did you? What brand? What bar? Yeah that one’s alright. For now.

“You’d be surprised how many products there are that vegans, or call themselves that, think are okay but actually contain animal products. Or dairy. Don’t think you can sneak dairy past me.

“No you don’t get ‘cheat days’. If you even once let a Crinkly Veg crisp pass your lips – prepared with whey, murderer – you are not a vegan and have never been a vegan.

“I personally have stopped six people claiming to be vegans who were false vegans lying about being vegans. And I will never rest.”

Mell, not her real name, said: “Dean caught me drinking orange juice fortified with Omega-3 from fish oils. Now I have to have sausages for tea and bacon sandwiches at the weekend.”