YOUR new boss claims to be an ordinary bloke on the basis that he supports West Ham. 

The white male in his early 40s, brought in to restructure your department which means firing people, mentioned his love of ‘the Hammers’ several times in his ominous opening speech. 

Members of your team are already planning to include your boss in Friday afternoon discussions about football in the mistaken belief that will make their jobs safer. 

Marketing designer Joseph Turner said: “He believes that liking football makes him less of a terrifyingly powerful bastard. 

“After he’d told me about the across-the-board budget cuts for the next financial year, I asked when he last went to a football match. 

“He said that he doesn’t get there as often as he’d like to but the company’s new £20,000 corporate hospitality box at the London Stadium should change that. 

“I don’t know anything about football. I don’t know if that makes him less likely to fire me, or more.” 

In a conversation already scheduled, your new boss will soften the blow of your impending redundancy by comparing it to Harry Redknapp selling Julian Dicks to Liverpool.