A TEXT reply from your crush should show barely-concealed longing and lust. So why are yours bland placeholder messages? Here’s what people text back when they’re just not feeling it. 

Haha 

You spent two hours on that jokey anecdote, crafting it from its beginnings in reality and adding false but believable details hinting at your large bank balance, kindness to children and animals, and highly attractive genitalia. And what do you get back? ‘Haha’. It’s ringing in your ears like mocking laughter, which is odd for a text message. 

The thumbs-up emoji 

Far from being a sign of positivity, this is in fact a conversation ender. And, therefore, a future relationship ender. Although it means the sender may actually give the thumbs-up in real life, and you don’t want to date a bellend who acts like the Fonz. 

I’ll check my diary and get back to you 

You’ve suggested going to a Japanese horror movie marathon based on knowing their interests from some perfectly normal 3am Instagram stalking. However, they have to ‘check their diary’. You have apparently found the only person still using a Filofax in the year 2024, and it’s worse because they’d rather not do an activity they’d definitely enjoy than do it with you. Jesus, you must be a nightmare. 

I’m really busy right now 

Yes, busy shagging someone else. 

Any posts on social media 

They’re too busy to text you back, but they’ve done a 22-tweet thread ranking Doctor Who assistants in the order in which they’d sleep with them. Get back on Tinder and save yourself the heartbreak, because you are irrelevant to them, unlike Clara f**king Oswald. 

Abrupt cessation of texts 

After a short exchange of texts, which you took to mean you were getting along brilliantly and would soon be having passionate sex and planning your wedding, they suddenly stop. You feel sick, betrayed, used. But you were only swapping semi-amusing texts about how shit work is so you can’t confront the heartless swine toying with your emotions like the evil sadist they are.