CITY dwellers who relocated to the countryside for a quieter life find their friendly, helpful village neighbours an absolute pain in the backside. 

Nigel and Janet, not their real names, who moved to Norfolk after hectic careers in London, were initially touched but then swiftly extremely irritated by the couple next door and their efforts to help them bed into the community. 

Janet said: “Bill and Susan left us a basket of apples from their tree as a housewarming present. Which was a lovely gesture, but they were tiny, sour and disgusting. I put them on the compost, which Susan saw and came round to ask if we were allergic or something. 

“Later we came home and found them in the kitchen. They’d let themselves in with a key they had from the previous owner. Bill was mending a leak under the sink and Susan was making a crumble with fruit she made sure to tell me she’d driven to the Waitrose in Swaffham for. 

“And last week we were getting a bit frisky in the bedroom one afternoon when Bill appeared at the window up a ladder, as he’d taken it upon himself to clean the windows. ‘Don’t mind me!’ he said, as we scrambled to get our underwear on. 

“We’re considering moving back to the city. You can get a bit of peace there.”