WOMEN have demanded to know when their skin will be sufficiently moisturised so that they can finally relax. 

Failing to constantly apply moisturiser – a problem which strangely does not affect men – could easily cause all females to become shrivelled, leathery husks like Egyptian mummies. 

Sian, not hear real name, from Perth said: “When will it be over? I start the day with a cleansing balm followed by a hydrating cleanser, retinol – whatever the f**k that is – a hydrating serum and then actual moisturiser.  

“And that’s before we turn to my body, which is so slathered in creams to prevent a bout of fatal dry skin I can’t sit down naked on anything without immediately sliding off.  

“Lovemaking is almost impossible unless my boyfriend fixes me in place with duct tape and I didn’t enjoy that much last time. I can’t even grab a coffee for fear it’ll shoot out of my hand. 

“Please let this nightmare be over. I’m having to get passersby to apply cream on hard-to-reach places like my lower back. I’m lucky not to have been put on the sex offenders list.” 

Sian is currently booked into a spa at the weekend where people will put even more moisturising oils on her body, a special treat which she says “fills her with fear and dread”.