Tiresome health fanatics pretending they need to lose weight
FITNESS obsessives across the UK are claiming they need to lose weight after Christmas, it has emerged. Thousands of fit, toned self-absorbed individuals are strangely…
This one awful weight loss trick involves eating well and working out
REALLY works! Side effects include exhaustion, hunger, and not having everything you want but scientists confirm the weight will just fall off, within a year…
Woman wakes up to realisation she hates every item of clothing she owns
A WOMAN has sprung out of bed spontaneously filled with a primal disgust for every garment in her wardrobe and the compulsion to replace them. …
The crap teacher’s guide to surviving teaching
TALENTED, hardworking teachers are struggling to cope with long hours and excessive workloads. But what about Britain’s many thousands of crap teachers? Tom Logan, who…
How to keep the passive-aggression alive in your marriage
AS a new year begins, it’s easy for couples to take each other for granted and neglect the incessant sniping that keeps loathing alive. Here’s…
Five reasons nobody except knobheads make telephone calls anymore
TELEPHONE calls are rarely made by anyone except annoying twerps these days, and for good reason. Here’s why. Messaging exists Why phone someone when you…
Seven unpleasant truths you’ll have to confront in Dry January
DRY January lasts just one month, but the things you learn while not drinking will stay with you forever. Prepare yourself for these grim truths…
Mum forcing family to watch old, shit film
A MOTHER is selfishly forcing her entire family to watch a film that was made before 1990 and is therefore a slow, cheap, boring torture.…
A MAN has countered allegations of hair loss by asserting that it only seems that way because his brow is growing by the day
Apparent changes in the hairline of 38-year-old Shane, not his real name or age, were spotted by his husband Ron, not his real name, who…
Man in hotel missing underlying passive-aggressive tone of an Airbnb stay
A MAN staying in a regular hotel is longing for the underlying hostility of booking a night in an Airbnb, it has emerged. Julian, not…
Coffee after 5pm, and five other things you’ll massively regret in your 40s
OVER 40? Keen not to feel like a sack of shit? 44-year-old Martin Bishop details six things that will set you back two days if…
Totally unreasonable bastards expecting man to do his job
A MAN is being unfairly expected to do the job he is paid to do, it has emerged. Edwin, not his real name, an administrator…
Five things your parents follow with ‘not that there’s anything wrong with that’
YOUR parents aren’t as backwards or as phobic as you believe. Here are five things they’re totally cool with through gritted teeth: Sex between consenting…
How to make yourself totally unemployable
DO you feel obliged to get a job but can’t face spending your life in an office surrounded by people you hate? Just make yourself…
Are you stupid enough to think you can clean the oven? A tragedy in five acts
HAVE you made the unwise decision to clean your own oven, based purely on it being unacceptably filthy? These are the stages of your unfolding…
Are you stupid enough to think you can clean the oven? A tragedy in five acts
HAVE you made the unwise decision to clean your own oven, based purely on it being unacceptably filthy? These are the stages of your unfolding…
Hot desking, and other workplace initiatives to guarantee a hostile environment
MODERN jobs like to advertise perks to improve your wellbeing at work. But while they’re appealing in theory, you’ll soon start to feel it’s oppression…
Christmas carols, ranked by how many lines you know before tailing off
WE love them and know them, or at least a few lines before going blank. Here are Christmas carols rated by how many lines you…
How to choose your workplace nemesis
HAVING a sworn enemy to detest and undermine certainly makes slow days at work go faster. But who should you choose as your arch-enemy and…
Homeworker only in office for the biscuits
A HOMEWORKER has begun to come into the office every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday purely for its selection of biscuits, colleagues believe. Brand manager Martin,…