DEAR DEIDRE: WHENEVER I go to a swingers’ party with my girlfriend, I find myself staring at the other men and just wishing I could be like them.
They are so manly and confident that it puts me off taking part. How can I stop thinking like this and learn to enjoy myself too?
I’m 40 and have been with my girlfriend for three years. She’s 36 and very sexually adventurous.
When we met she told me two things that were non-negotiable: she didn’t want kids, and she wanted to sleep with other men. We agreed that rather than having an open relationship or affairs, we would go to sex parties.
That way, no emotions would get involved.
The first time I saw her having sex with another man, I found myself unable to take my eyes off him.
He had a much better body than me and he was much better endowed.
But worse, he seemed to know exactly how to pleasure my girlfriend.
I felt puny and inexperienced in comparison, so much so that I didn’t have sex with anyone that night. I told my girlfriend I didn’t feel well.
Since then, it’s been the same at every party. When I see the other guys there, I lose my desire to have sex.
I’ve started lying to my girlfriend, telling her I’ve had a great time.
I’ve even made up sexual encounters with women.
But it’s starting to affect my performance in bed at home, too. I feel like she must be comparing me to the party guys, and I don’t measure up.
What can I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: There’s nothing wrong with your body or your sexual prowess.
The problem is you’ve been cajoled into going to sex parties when you don’t really want to, to keep your girlfriend happy.
You have no desire to sleep with other women, and seeing her have sex with other men is making you miserable.
Not everyone enjoys swinging. See my support pack, Swapping And Swinging for more about this.
However much you love and care about your girlfriend, you can’t change the way you’re wired sexually. You need to be honest with her – and yourself.
If she loves you, she’ll want to find a compromise.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
PEN PAL ’S SPARKING JEALOUSY
DEAR DEIDRE: MY pen-pal friendship is causing ructions in my marriage.
I’m a woman of 58 and have no intention of ever meeting my male friend, who lives in Australia, but my husband doesn’t believe me.
I have felt lonely since my kids left home. I don’t have many local friends.
I used to have pen-pals but they don’t seem to exist any more, so I thought I’d go on a dating site.
A few weeks ago, I got chatting to a man in Australia. He told me he was 38, lived with his girlfriend and, like me, was just looking for mates.
We’ve really hit it off. He’s never asked for money and we just chat about our lives and families.
As I have nothing to hide, I told my husband. He told me I’m a fool.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’re lonely, not foolish. But dating sites aren’t the best places to form friendships.
You can’t be sure who you’re talking to or what their intentions are. Read my support pack, Staying Safe Online, for help with this.
Tell your husband how lonely you feel. Perhaps you could do more together, and go out locally to meet new people.
My support pack, Widening Your Social Scene, should help you to do this.
I FEEL SURE HE CHEATED WITH HIS EX
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I saw an incriminating message flash up on my boyfriend’s tablet, I knew he’d lied to me about not having slept with his ex, and don’t know what to do.
We’ve been together for a year. We’re both guy, as his ex.
A few weekends ago, we went to a party together. His ex was there.
I got very tired and decided to go home early but he wanted to stay.
Later, he rang to say he was too drunk to get home, so would stay on his best mate’s sofa instead.
But while I was home a message appeared on his tablet from his best mate, saying he’d keep his secret and not tell me he was with his ex.
Now I can’t forget what I saw. He keeps asking what’s wrong.
We are both in our twenties, and how can I trust him again?
DEIDRE SAYS: Keeping this to yourself is eating you up.
You need to tell your boyfriend what you know, and explain how you found out. You can’t be certain he had sex with his ex.
Give him the chance to tell the truth. Only then can you decide if you want to rebuild the trust you’ve lost, or end your relationship.
My support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It?, should help you.
WITH A HARIBO, I’D THEE LOVE
DEAR DEIDRE: I DON’T understand why my boyfriend won’t propose, when he says I’m the love of his life.
It’s not like I’m asking for a big diamond ring – I’d be happy with a Haribo.
We’ve been together for three years and are in our late thirties.
We’ve both been married before, and each have a child from previous relationships.
We met online and quickly fell in love. He really is my soulmate – kind, funny, great in bed – and we have so much in common.
A year ago, we moved in together with our kids, and life has been perfect.
Except for one thing: I desperately want to be his wife. But he’s always said he never wants to get married again, after being badly burned by his first marriage, and a horrible divorce.
He says weddings are expensive, and we don’t need a piece of paper to show we’re committed, whereas I have told him how important it is to me.
He then fobs me off by saying it will happen one day, just not yet.
But I can’t see what he’s waiting for?
Now, whenever we go out on a date, or sit by the sea on holiday, I can’t help wondering if he’s about to propose, then I feel disappointed when he doesn’t. I just want to feel he loves and wants me fully, for ever.
DEIDRE SAYS: There’s no reason to doubt his love for you. You simply have different attitudes to marriage.
But you do need to make him see how much this is upsetting you, and show him you under-stand why he’s reticent.
It’s worth pointing out that marriage isn’t just about commitment.
Legally, it offers important protections to you and your kids – especially if something were to happen to one of you.
Why not suggest a low-key register office ceremony, so it’s not expensive.
My support pack, When Your Man Won’t Commit, might be helpful to read.