DEAR DEIDRE: OTHER women my age keep themselves busy with walking clubs or book groups, but I’m having wild one-night stands with men I meet on adult websites.
I’m 61 and will continue to do this for as long as I can. But am I unusual?
My beloved husband died unexpectedly ten years ago. After I had grieved losing my soulmate, I realised what I was missing most was the sex.
I have always had a strong libido. It didn’t die down after the menopause. If anything, it blossomed.
I didn’t want to raise any eyebrows by having flings with men in my small, gossipy village, so I signed up to an adult dating site.
The first man I met was 65. Although I expected to feel self-conscious when he undressed me, I only noticed how good it felt to be touched again.
His hands explored my whole body and we brought each other to a climax within minutes.
We spent the whole afternoon together, and even shared a bath before he left to drive home. Since then, I have been besieged by willing partners.
Even though I’m silver-haired, short-sighted and slightly dumpy, men regularly drive hours to meet me for a passionate session in a local hotel or guest house.
Because my partners are usually younger than me — between 54 and 60 — they have the stamina to pleasure me two or three times in the same day.
There’s nobody I can talk to about this.
My friends seem to have given up on sex. They are happy to potter around the garden and look after their grandchildren.
The only thing raising their heart rate is aqua aerobics.
Meanwhile, I’m having the best sex of my life and I can’t imagine ever giving it up.
DEIDRE SAYS: Many people find their sex drive stays strong throughout their life.
It’s no one else’s business if you enjoy casual sex as you get older, but you do need to consider how to stay safe.
Sex has many benefits – it’s good for your heart, circulation, blood pressure, mental health and even your immune system – so regular sessions probably keep you feeling younger than wrestling with a crossword does.
But I would urge you to take care of your sexual health. Even though pregnancy is no longer a possibility, you could still contract a serious sexually transmitted infection unless you practise safe sex and get regular checks.
The Brook website (brook.org.uk) has details on how to get a free, at-home STI testing kit.
I’m also concerned that you are having sex with strangers you meet on the internet.
I’m sending you my support pack, Staying Safe Online, to help you protect yourself from men who might not have your best interests at heart.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
HE’D RATHER FOOTIE THAN SCORE IN BED
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM tempted to call time on my football-obsessed boyfriend.
I’m 43 and he’s 52. We don’t live together but I see him nearly every evening. We get on well, except that he would rather stay up late to watch a match than come to bed with me.
Even out of season, he puts no effort into intimacy. He would rather just cuddle. It’s been this way since we met in the pub eight years ago.
At first I thought he was just shy, but things never got better.
Several times I have explained that I feel unfulfilled. He always promises to try harder, but nothing changes.
For Valentine’s Day I bought myself a sex toy and opened it in front of him.
I thought that might jolt him into a reaction, but he just shrugged and went back to watching the football. So now I’m often upstairs playing by myself, listening to him cheering his team on downstairs.
I can’t force him to have sex, and I love him so I stay, but I’m not getting any younger. I’m sick of being a football widow – what can I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: While the stereotype is that men want sex much more than women, I regularly hear from couples in the opposite situation.
As your partner has had this issue since you met, there are a few possible explanations.
He might have low testosterone so doesn’t get the urge to have sex. A simple blood test from the GP would reveal if that’s the case, and he could take testosterone treatment to regain his oomph.
He might suffer from erectile dysfunction and be too embarrassed to talk about it. It is very common in men over 50 and can be a side effect of an unhealthy lifestyle or a medication.
It can also be a symptom of a health issue, so he should have a medical check-up to rule out anything serious. The doctor can prescribe a pill (like Viagra) to help.
Depression and stress can also affect a person’s libido. Men can find it hard to talk about things like this, so it may take you a few attempts to get to the bottom of the issue.
But one thing’s for sure, until you can both talk this issue through there won’t be any improvement.
My support pack, Reviving A Man’s Sex Drive, explains more.
WORRIED FOR DEPRESSED GUY
DEAR DEIDRE: HAVING dumped the depressed guy I was in an on/off situationship with, I am now worried he might have hurt himself.
I’m 22 and he’s 26. Things were great at the start, but he cooled off after we had sex.
He admitted he was suffering from depression so I helped him as much as I could. We went on a few more dates, even exchanging declarations of love.
Then he pulled away again. This time, he said he couldn’t decide if he was ready for a relationship so I ended it.
Since then, he hasn’t responded to any of my calls or messages, and I’m worried he might have done something stupid.
DEIDRE SAYS: He is not your responsibility, and it didn’t sound like he was totally on board with getting into a relationship.
Staying in a friendship would keep you locked in and would effectively put your life on hold.
If you are really worried, could you ask a mutual friend to check on his welfare? I am sending you my support pack, Finding The Right Partner For You.
TRAPPED IN SEXLESS MARRIAGE
DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife wants to throw a party for our 25th wedding anniversary – but our relationship is sexless and I’ve never felt less like celebrating.
I’m 55, she is 51 and we have grown-up children.
After years of dwindling, lifeless lovemaking, my wife finally admitted she never wanted sex again. I’m waking up to the realisation that I’ve wasted 25 years loving someone who never had any interest in me at all.
While she wants a big bash and a holiday abroad, I am ready to call it a day.
DEIDRE SAYS: You have a lot to think about, and some potentially big decisions to make.
Maybe if you tell your wife how you feel unloved, worthless, sad and disillusioned – and are even considering leaving her – she will understand how much sex means to you.
Counselling could help give you more clarity. I’m attaching my support pack, How Counselling Works, which explains the process.
Counselling can be done in person or online and it would be a safe space for you to explore your feelings.
FAMILY FORUM
DEAR DEIDRE: IT feels so unfair, but my daughter seems to prefer being with my cheating ex-wife than with me.
I’m 34 and my daughter is six. When she was born, my ex and I were happily married and we doted on her.
But when my daughter was three, a mutual friend revealed my wife had been having a long-term affair.
Heartbroken, I stayed for as long as I could. But eventually I realised it was damaging my self-esteem, so I moved out into a flat.
I decorated a bedroom for my daughter and agreed with my ex that I’d have custody every other weekend.
I expected my daughter to be happy to spend time with me and arranged loads of fun things for us to do.
Sadly, she never seems to want to be here. From the moment she arrives. she looks anxious and unsettled.
She’s always asking when her mum will pick her up, and rarely seems excited about the activities I’ve planned.
I don’t know what to do to make her happy.
The only explanation I can think of is that her mother is making me out to be the bad person for leaving home.
DEIDRE SAYS: From your daughter’s perspective there is no “bad person”. You are both her parents and she loves you equally.
It’s likely that your daughter picked up on the tension at home even if she didn’t say anything. What she needs the most is to know she is loved and none of what happened is her fault.
Children can often blame themselves. She also needs a regular routine and to see you consistently throughout this time.
It is very common that children of recently separated parents struggle to adapt and can become clingy to one parent in particular. Reassure your daughter that she will see Mummy soon.
I’m sending you my support pack, When Parents Fall Out, which explains how you can support her feelings and needs.
Children benefit from both loving parents being actively involved in their lives so don’t give up.