FORTY years after it started darkening the nation’s mood, the weight of EastEnders’ misery finally got to a suicidal Phil Mitchell last week, when he started talking to a pile of clothes.
Whether he thought they were mum Peggy, brother Grant or the agent he probably hasn’t spoken to since 1995, I don’t know.
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But there was decades of despair in the tormented old slaphead’s voice when he screamed: “Enough! Enough! Enough!”
An echo of my own thoughts as the soap celebrates its landmark birthday in characteristically cheerful mood with Phil having a mental breakdown, Nigel confronting his Alzheimer’s diagnosis and Alfie no longer able to get it up on account of prostate cancer.
Or at least, that’s what he’s telling Kat.
The show’s obsessively PC agenda also remains so carved in stone that we recently discovered Elaine’s dead husband John was a closeted gay man (tick) who was in love with a drag queen (tick tick) who’s HIV+, (tick tick tick).
A combination that may well represent the most EastEnders back story of all time.
If it still looks and sounds depressingly smug and similar to the 1980s version, one thing has changed beyond all recognition.
Whereas EastEnders could once command an audience of up to 30million viewers, as the show did on Christmas Day 1986, it now survives on about a tenth of that number.
In due course, I’m sure, the BBC News Verify unit will blame this astonishing rate of attrition on Donald Trump, Brexit and global warming.
However, I’m sticking with the theory it’s largely down to competition, market forces and the bone-brained 2001 decision to broadcast the show four times a week which led to a catastrophic over-supply of everything from blackmail stories and infidelities to members of the living dead (Den, Cindy, Kathy) and ghosts like Jaime Winstone who is currently haunting the Square as a youngish version of “Peggy Mitchell”.
These are the obvious signs of a desperate show that knows it’s in a bit of trouble.
The subtler one is that EastEnders no longer has storylines, as such — it has sagas that are stretched out over months and years rather than weeks, as they used to be.
These have recently included: the saga of Linda’s alcoholism, the saga of Tommy turning into a little turd, the saga of Phil’s mental breakdown, the saga of Bianca’s abduction and the ongoing saga of Sonia’s fertility and reproductive organs which has produced some of the most gynaecological dialogue in EastEnders’ history.
“It’s good news,” she exclaimed recently, with what seemed like genuine excitement.
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“The drugs have stimulated my ovary production efficiency and the doctors are really happy with my follicle growth.”
Little wonder then that an astonishing 27million viewers have thought “sod that” and turned instead to the more carefree charms of Towie and the internet.
SELF-DESTRUCTIVE WOKE WILL
A pattern that, if it were to continue, would mean it’s 50/50 whether EastEnders will still be around to celebrate its 50th birthday.
If it was axed next week, though, the BBC1 soap would still have won the most pyrrhic TV victory of all time because, over the course of those 40 years, it’s not just bent Coronation Street to its grim, self-destructive woke will, it’s done the same thing to almost every mainstream drama on television which, just like EastEnders, mostly now start from the assumption that all men are either weak or evil and women are long-suffering.
As a result, you can forget any idea it’ll cut back the number of episodes or hope for a mass cull of misery guts in the Queen Vic inferno during next week’s live episode.
The only character it’s scheduled to lose, in fact, is pregnant Sonia who’ll probably be thrilled to leave after this week’s update from a midwife: “You’ve suffered a premature rupture of your membranes. We need to be on the look-out for any flu like symptoms, any nasty discharges and . . . ”
Enough. Enough. Enough.
Random TV irritations
THE Last Leg imagining there’s anything edgy about repeatedly calling Donald Trump a “c***”.
BBC1’s Virdee getting lost in its diversity lectures and cop show cliches. Mel B confusing being a tactless old boot with “just being honest”.
And 50-year-old outward bounds bore Bear Grylls announcing he wants to live to the age of 200.
So why not just watch all eight episodes of Celebrity Bear Hunt and feel like you have? It’d spare the world an awful lot of bad telly.
Great sporting insights
MIRON MUSLIC: “We have to perform day in, day out, every weekend.”
Vicky Gomersall: “The games keep coming thick and thin.”
Sam Matterface: “Tottenham’s Dane Scarlett makes his debut for the first time.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
THE Chase, Bradley Walsh: “What letter is silent in the word fracas?”
Alys: “Q.”
Impossible, Rick Edwards: “After which famous artist was the winning horse at the 2019 Epsom Derby named? A) Anthony Van Dyck, B) Vincent van Gogh . . . ”
Oli: “C) Hertz Van Rental.”
And Impossible contestant Debbie, who was offered “A) Joe McFadden” or “C) Joe Sugg” as possible answers to the question, “Which Strictly Come Dancing finalist began appearing in the West End musical Waitress in September 2019?” but opted for “B) Joe Strummer.”
Lookalike of the week
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THIS week’s winner is Sanjeev Bhaskar as the entirely surplus-to-requirements DI Sunil Khan on Unforgotten, and Grandpa Munster.
TV gold
SKY Atlantic trailers for series three of TV’s best drama, The White Lotus, which starts on Monday at 9pm.
Brilliant Victoria Hamilton stealing most of the acting honours as Juliet Cooper in ITV’s vaguely intriguing sixth run of Unforgotten.
Daniel Delaney absolutely nailing the young, throwback version of Phil Mitchell on last night’s EastEnders.
And episode three of BBC2’s Life And Death Row, about Ramiro Gonzales, which avoided the usual bias traps and, like every great documentary about executions, forced viewers to question their own views on the death penalty.