HAVE you made the unwise decision to clean your own oven, based purely on it being unacceptably filthy? These are the stages of your unfolding regret: 

It takes all day

Did you naively put aside an hour? Prepare to lose the whole day. You thought doing it yourself would save money, but it takes time you can never buy back. Several hours bent over scrubbing like a Victorian child, dreaming of other, happier lives not wasted scraping away years of burnt crap. Ironically, it’ll have you wanting to stick your head in an oven.

It hurts 

The task is so physically demanding, it’s practically athletic. It’s a pain in the neck, the back, the arms, the knees comparable to forced labour. Hands and face coated in black grease, breathing in ash and decay.  By the end every part of you will hurt. It’s like a spin class where you’re both victim and sadistic instructor.

It’s f**king disgusting

As household chores go, cleaning the oven is top of the vile jobs. It’s an archaeological exploration into all the awful meals of your past. Unidentified chunks of food, splatters of fat and splashes of long-forgotten sauces coat its walls like a grotesque Jackson Pollock. You’re in hell, trying to scour your own tarnished soul.

It’s chemical warfare

If the foul stench of the scummy oven isn’t bad enough, prepare to unleash a cocktail of lethal cleaning chemicals. Despite the oven being a place to cook food, oven cleaner could confidently strip the fur off a cat. After an afternoon breathing in high-intensity bleach, you’ll either pass out, forget your own name, or meet God.

It stays clean for five minutes 

The worst part of cleaning an oven is using the oven again. After a lifetime making the bastard sparkle and shine, suddenly it’s time to cook a lasagne. And within a week you’re back to where you started. Best drape a tea towel over it and pretend it doesn’t exist. Nobody ever had to clean Deliveroo.