A HOMEWORKER has begun to come into the office every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday purely for its selection of biscuits, colleagues believe.
Brand manager Martin, not his real name, who retreated to remote working during lockdown and has rarely been seen since, is now a regular attendee in his workplace and can demolish a tray of Cadbury’s Fingers in seconds.
He said: “Never interacting in person with anyone and slobbing around in stained jogging pants was good, but it can’t compare to free plain chocolate Hobnobs.
“I swan in, claiming I’m being let down by Virgin’s shitty wifi – a bulletproof excuse – then get stuck in to the Fox’s triple chocolate cookies before 10am. And once I’m chasing that carb dragon I cannot stop.
“Custard creams, bourbons, Jammie Dodgers, doesn’t matter. By the afternoon I’m so high I’d happily throw down a malted milk. And they make me mugs of tea. No wonder I’m still here at 6pm.”
Colleague Nikki, not her real name, said: “It’s painfully obvious what’s motivating him when he’s grabbing shortbread by the fistful. Through a mouthful of ginger nuts he spluttered something about his wife being ‘on a health kick’ and ‘shopping at Aldi’.
“It’s fig rolls and Garibaldis for him next week. Tuesday to Thursday, obviously. Mondays and Fridays we’ll be mainlining Homewheat.”