Welcome to A Polyamorous Perspective, an advice column where I, Leanne Yau – polyamory educator and trainee sex therapist – answer your burning questions on navigating all things non-monogamy. I’ve been in various forms of open relationships since 2016, and have been publicly sharing tips, personal stories, and resources on how to practise healthy, sustainable polyamory since 2020 on my page, @polyphiliablog.
Hi Leanne
Hope you’re good! Me and my boyfriend have been in an open relationship for nine months or so. We’d always maintained that we were monogamish and would be free to kiss and flirt and potentially sleep with other people if the circumstance was right. However, when I started sleeping with someone else regularly, he really started freaking out.
Eventually, we were able to patch things up, but he has been really sad and despondent in recent months. He sleeps all the time, has been drinking heavily and I’m not sure what to do. While he has started going to therapy and taking medication, he still has plenty of bad days. I can’t help but wonder, am I the cause of his depression? How do I bring this up without sounding totally self-absorbed?
Regards,
Anxious gf
Personally, I don’t think it’s self-absorbed to be concerned about what emotional impact you have on your partner, someone who you presumably spend a lot of time with and whose mood you have a high potential of affecting. Given that you opened up your relationship less than a year ago and have recently been struggling, it’s not such a wild leap of logic to presume that introducing a big change to your relationship like non-monogamy might be a contributing factor to your partner’s mental health.
If we were having a dialogue, I would have asked in what ways he was “freaking out” when you started seeing someone on a regular basis, and what you meant by being “able to patch things up”, but I can only work with the limited information you’ve given me. While I can’t fully say whether opening up your relationship is the whole reason why your partner is depressed, I would say it is unlikely. I won’t waste time speculating on what other reasons there might be – only you, your partner, and his therapist/doctors will be able to sort that out – so let’s focus on the non-monogamy part, and what can potentially be done about that.
What does “monogamish” mean in practice?
As you said, you and your partner agree on a “monogamish” relationship – i.e. a relationship that is sexually and romantically monogamous as a baseline standard, with occasional allowances for other (usually sexual) connections that are (usually) one-offs and considered an exception to the norm.
For most monogamish couples, examples of this could include hooking up with a stranger on a night out with friends, or a brief dalliance with someone you’ll probably never see again while travelling somewhere foreign. Monogamish relationships are popular for couples who don’t want to be confined by strict monogamy and potentially miss out on exciting opportunities, but who also don’t necessarily want to commit to the time and energy it takes to maintain multiple connections so they can keep their focus on their primary relationship.
However, as can sometimes happen when people actually put non-monogamous theory into practice, what you ended up doing looks quite different to what you set out to do. This is relatively common, from my experience – for example, I’ve worked with many people who initially started out only wanting a sexually non-monogamous relationship, but later realised that they didn’t enjoy casual sex and one-night stands, so transitioned to polyamory to make room for more consistent connections and romance to happen.
While making changes can be scary and cause conflict, you’re allowed to change your mind on what you want out of a relationship if what you initially agreed on ended up not being such a good fit – and this applies to many things, not just non-monogamy. Some partners end up settling comfortably into the changes, and others acknowledge incompatible desires and break up; either option is perfectly valid. Knowing what you want, and having the flexibility to stay open-minded on what your partner(s) might want while also being aware of your boundaries, is key for healthy non-monogamy (and relationships in general)!
The transition from monogamish to non-monogamy
But back to you. By sleeping with someone on a regular basis, you’d now be in what I would consider an “open relationship”, which is a much broader term for a relationship that is (usually) romantically monogamous but sexually non-monogamous, where connections outside of your relationship are no longer considered to be exceptions, but an accepted part of your daily lives.
Now, I’m not privy to the exact discussions you had with your partner on the parameters of your non-monogamy, but if I had to guess, it was probably that which freaked him out. Monogamish relationships typically see the “open” side of their relationship as something relatively contained – it’s a part of your relationship you play with every now and again, but it can just as easily be put away, and the lack of sustained connections means it doesn’t really affect your day-to-day life.
Open relationships, on the other hand, involve consistent connections that, while still casual, mean you are more likely to actively make time for them and factor them into your schedule and decision-making, and they tend to have a more significant “presence” in your relationship in general, which can be emotionally difficult to deal with for some. Not to mention, sleeping with someone on a regular basis means you are building a connection with them, and the idea of that can be threatening to a lot of people, especially if they are worried that romantic feelings will develop as a result of having regular sex – which is a valid concern, as it can and does happen!
The importance of clarifying your relationship agreements and desires
Regardless of what else is going on with your partner that might be affecting his mental health, it sounds like some clarification of your relationship agreements and desires is in order.
Here are some questions for you to reflect on and potentially discuss together:
- Are you still on the same page about what you want? Does your partner just need some time to adjust to you seeing someone on a regular basis – and if so, what support does he need from you, and what concerns might he have that you can address? Or, does he strongly prefer a monogamish relationship – and if so, is that something you can go back to, or do you fundamentally want different things?
- If you were to develop a deeper connection with this new partner (which is always possible), would that be something you were interested in pursuing, or would you want to keep things casual – and if so, how would you go about that?
- Are there practical concerns that are leading to his low mood – for example, could he be feeling neglected in the relationship now that you’re seeing this other person regularly, and is there a discussion to be had about your scheduling to ensure everyone’s needs for quality time are met?
- What else might he need from you while he is going through this difficult period, and how are you going to balance your own energy and capacity to achieve this?
As a final note, the way you’ve phrased your concern as “self-absorbed” implies to me that perhaps a part of you feels wrong or guilty for having a fun time with a new person while your partner is struggling, or maybe even that you feel being non-monogamous is hurting him.
While I see where this thought is coming from, I feel I need to nip this mononormative thought in the bud. It is never selfish to maintain other connections and have a life outside of the relationship, whether with friends, family, or other partners. Even if it does turn out that non-monogamy (or perhaps this particular style of non-monogamy) isn’t for him and is leading to poor mental health on his end, that still doesn’t mean you are wrong for desiring non-monogamy, or that non-monogamy is inherently hurtful or incompatible with a partner going through mental health issues.
A big part of responsible non-monogamy is time and energy management, so as long as you are able to meet your partner’s needs and maintain your existing commitments to each other, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being who you are and doing things that bring you joy.
Everyone deserves time for themselves to recharge, and who knows – maybe engaging in this new connection will help to give you the energy you need to support your partner while he navigates his depression, so it may actually be a benefit rather than a drawback.
Ultimately, it’s up to you two to decide whether a relationship, monogamous or not, is viable going forward and what you need from each other to make it happen, but it’s important to honour the needs of everyone involved, not just the person who is going through a hard time.