POMPOUS business bullshit is vital for maintaining the self-esteem of people who are crap at everything else, research has found.

A new study has discovered that if unable to make statements like ‘action that vision document for a quick win’, most businesspeople will find themselves feeling unimportant and worthless.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Self-esteem is derived from being good at something. But those who can’t do anything well are drawn to the business world, where you are respected rather than laughed at for using expressions like ‘paradigm shift’ and ‘bleeding edge’.

“Suddenly they can give Powerpoint presentations and nobody is allowed to look away. The world hangs on their every word of regurgitated jargon. They can be proud.”

Strategic marketing manager Roy Hobbs said: “Not many people can proactively amplify core marketing messages in a dynamic business ecosystem like I do.

“I’ve been nominated as Marketing Professional of the Year (Shelving) by Materials Handling World magazine two years running. There’s nothing wrong with my self-esteem.”